Hail to thee, blithe spirits! To alleviate some of the anxiety that attends any man’s first year at Oxford, below is a high-level guide to the University’s sartorial life. While we absolutely encourage bold, imaginative, and above all thoughtful forays into the more eccentric or avant-garde realms of style and comportment – currently we are loving the pink ‘welfare’ glasses favoured by Andy Warhol in the sixties and seventies – the advice given here should provide a stylish base from which to begin any such adventures. As follows:
Formal dress: The opportunities for wearing a dinner jacket around Oxford are legion. This is something to be celebrated by every man, gentle or otherwise, for it is hard to imagine any occasion on which it is easier to look almost unbearably handsome. We will have more to say on this in a future column, but for the time being, just remember to insist upon a tennis collar for your pleated shirt (winged collars look best carrying white ties), and if this will be your first black tie purchase, choose a jacket and trousers made from the lightest-weight fabric you can find. This will make you much more comfortable as the night starts to heat-up, which tends to happen for those who look unbearably handsome.
Also bear in mind that a cummerbund is not essential, waistcoats are a bit much (except with white tie), braces are essential (no clip-ons, please), and polished brogues are perfectly acceptable footwear.
Bow ties: You will need at least two, one black (for your formal dress) and one white (for your sub-fusc, and possibly for a ball). If it is not already the editorial policy of the Cherwell, it soon will be that ready-made bow ties are unacceptable under any circumstances. (Rumour has it the Proctors are contemplating making this an offense punishable by rustication.) Insist on the real thing, which you can learn to tie by watching this quaint but effective video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJv4Qh7zR3E.
Trousers: Make a clean break of your juvenile past by forsaking all pairs (or at the very least, all but one pair) of nondescript, pleated, boot-cut or otherwise full-legged trousers. Leave them at home so you are not tempted by the siren call of the Comfort Fit. Trousers should be trim enough that the belt is almost entirely ornamental, and cut narrower than you think through the thigh, calf, and ankle. Turn-ups (cuffs) should be worn only for irony.
Jeans: If you must, make them skinny. There is no need to loose circulation in your legs, but you should have some difficulty pedaling a bicycle or sitting on the floor. Very dark blue and grey look much better than you think.
Socks: Don’t feel obliged to wear these, even with your formal dress, unless it’s snowing, in which case choose a pair that is outrageously colourful. If your neighbours aren’t banging on the wall telling you to turn down your socks, try a different pair.
Footwear: You will look and feel infinitely better with a leather sole between your feet and the pavement. The fact that it rains a lot is no excuse for something so garish as a rubber sole, except on your Wellington boots, which should be diesel powered. Invest in some shoe polish and a proper umbrella and bring as many leather lace-ups as you can fit in your travel case. (Boat shoes are excepted, of course.)
Sportswear: The secret to making all your other clothes look better. Bring at least two sets of kit, and make gym time the only time you disport yourself in running shoes. Resist the urge, under pain of near-universal derision, to wear your kit outside the gym or off the jogging path. Especially if it says ‘Canterbury’ on it.
Shirts: More collars, less bulk, and you can never have enough pink. Don’t be afraid to leave your button-downs unbuttoned, especially with a tie, but do remember to tuck them in, even with jeans. (Especially with skinny jeans.) Polo shirts are like t-shirts, to be worn less-frequently than you think, more fitted than feels comfortable at first, and if not in pink, then black. Dress shirts require their own column: stay tuned.
Outerwear: Included here are sweaters, or jumpers, depending on how many oceans you crossed in getting to Oxford. V-necks look better than crewnecks, and both are improved by a collar. (A fitted cardigan with skinny tie can’t miss.) The thing to remember is that the softer the fabric, the more likely someone else will want to touch it. (Itchy wool nautical sweaters are excepted, of course.)
Consider trading some of your sweaters/jumpers for sport coats. Corduroy is lovely, brushed cotton or wool equally fine, cashmere outstanding, tweed tremendous. Add a scarf for layering warmth, and practice wearing your coat draped over your shoulders, which looks almost as handsome as black tie. (Draping your dinner jacket over your shoulders, with collar undone and tie un-knotted, is devastating.)
Bring at least one coat made of waxed cotton or some other waterproof, non-synthetic fabric. Fleece is illegal in Oxford.
Corkscrew: The essential accessory. Not one of those dual-handle jobs, but a proper, simple, restaurant-style corkscrew. It slips easily into the jacket pocket, and forestalls any inadvertent suffering of the derision of Charles and Careless:
CHARLES. ‘Fore Heaven, ’tis true!–there is the great Degeneracy
of the age–many of our acquaintance have Taste–Spirit, and
Politeness–but plague on’t they won’t drink—-
CARELESS. It is so indeed–Charles–they give into all the
substantial Luxuries of the Table–and abstain from nothing but
wine and wit–Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably–
Watch for In the Closet throughout the term in Cherwell, and please do submit any questions or responses as a comment to this article. We will keep these in mind for future columns.
