Monday 17th November 2025
Blog Page 2022

Valiant Blues take Varsity glory

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Oxford won the 126th Varsity football match on penalties after a pulsating 1-1 draw at the Abbey Stadium on Friday night. A stunning 90th minute free kick from James Kelly forced the shootout in which a brilliant save from Dwayne Whylly, and five flawless shots from the Dark Blues, ensured a famous victory.

Despite the excellent condition of the pitch both sides seemed to struggle early on and the game was scrappy and nervy. It was Oxford who managed to take the early initiative, creating three clear cut chances that really should have been taken. First centre back Elliot Thomas sent a header woefully wide from close range, then just three minutes later the same player had another header cleared off the line and eventually scrambled away by the desperate Cambridge defence. Oxford’s best chance of the half fell to Adam Zagajewski minutes later. Having found himself completely free in the box he failed to connect with his header at all, giving the light blues another huge escape.

Oxford were made to pay for their wastefulness in front of goal on the half hour mark. In one of Cambridge’s first forays forward, Matt Stock cleverly turned Thomas in the box and went to ground. Referee Lee Mason showed no hesitation in pointing to the spot to give what was a clear penalty. Mark Baxter stepped up to calmly slot home and put Cambridge into a lead they barely deserved. Oxford appeared rattled by the goal and nearly conceded again soon after, Whylly having to acrobatically tip Baxter’s swirling corner over the bar.

After the half time break, Oxford continued to dominate, but could not find the breakthrough they needed. Despite plenty of possession they were unable to convert it into any goal scoring chances. As the sides tired both managers brought on substitutes. The energetic Ben Quigley came on for Oxford, offering some solidity in midfield and allowing Julian Austin to move into a more forward thinking position. Despite this good intent every Oxford attack was comfortably dealt with by the impressive Cambridge backline.

Oxford were leaving themselves open at the back and the lightning fast Danny Kerrigan was causing major problems on the break for the dark blue defence. With only a few minutes remaining he appeared to have won his side a second penalty when he went down under a clumsy challenge in the area. Premier League referee Mason waved away the loud appeals however, much to the frustration of the majority inside the stadium.

This frustration was even more keenly felt when Mason awarded the Dark Blues a contentious free kick seconds later after a foul on Quigley. But there were no complaints about what followed. Kelly stepped up to curl an unstoppable effort over the wall and into the bottom corner – sending the Oxford players and supporters into delirium. An extra fifteen minutes was therefore required, but the players were obviously exhausted with several collapsing with cramp during the period. It seemed that both sides were happy to accept the lottery of the penalty shoot out.
Quigley calmly put the Dark Blues into the lead, and then Oxford’s second match winner came to the fore. Keeper Whylly flew to his right to tip Baxter’s effort onto the post, the ball dribbling back across the line and away, agonisingly or beautifully depending on where your loyalties lie. Successful penalties from Austin, Laurence Ball and Kelly meant that Cambridge’s Kerrigan had to score his penalty to keep the light blues in the contest.
Once more Whylly flew across his goal to keep the ball out, cuing the Oxford celebrations.

But the drama was still not over. Mason ordered the kick to be retaken because Whylly had moved off his line to make the save, and the second time around Kerrigan found a way past. So it fell to Thomas to take the kick that would ensure dark blue victory. Showing composure that was absent from his earlier chances he calmly struck the ball into the corner, and sent his teammates into ecstasy. Winning a Varsity match is always sweet, but from these celebrations it appears that winning it in this dramatic fashion in your opponent’s back yard may just make it even sweeter.

 

Captain Farr salutes travelling fans

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Blues captain Leon Farr extended thanks to the travelling support that made Oxford’s football Varsity victory “all the more special.”

The game was being played at the Abbey Stadium, home of Cambridge United, because the usual venue, Fulham’s Craven Cottage, was unavailable. This meant that this year’s Blues not only had to accept a Conference rather than a Premier League ground, they were also faced with a crowd overwhelmingly supporting the Light Blues. A few hardy souls had made the journey from Oxford, but they were very much in the minority.

When asked about the fans after the game Farr told me, “They were brilliant. It was obviously like an away game for us. You had 700 or 800 of them and only 50 or 60 of us, but it was great playing to your own hardcore select band of away fans.” The Oxford fans certainly made themselves heard, especially when James Kelly curled in a fabulous last minute free kick to send the match into extra time. Farr said of his team’s saviour, “He’s a quiet lad, but I don’t think he’ll be quiet about that for much longer. It was an absolutely brilliant strike.”

Farr also had nothing but praise for the blues goalkeeper Dwayne Whylley whose incredible save in the penalty shoot out put his side firmly on course for victory. “Dwayne is one of the most talented footballers I’ve ever played with in my life, and he’s got the character to match. The save he pulled off today was nothing short of sublime. Absolutely incredible.”

Farr worked incredibly hard for his team in centre midfield during the game, putting in a display full of the heart and passion that makes Varsity events so special. This was appreciated by the often fiercely partisan Cambridge support as they applauded Oxford receiving the trophy. Farr believed his side deserved to win due to the amount of chances they created in the first half, but in truth Cambridge will feel hard done by having led for so long. Even Farr admitted the equaliser was “a little close to the bone.”

But how does it feel to win in Cambridge? “It’s incredible. I’m absolutely ecstatic.” And, judging by the roar that greeted his arrival in the Dark Blues’ changing room following our conversation, his teammates concurred.

 

Blues slide to dismal defeat

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The Blues suffered their first defeat of the season on Monday in the Parks, against Oxfordshire, a minor counties side. Despite a promising start to the season so far, claiming an earlier triumph against Oxford Cricket Club to win the ‘Town vs Gown’ trophy, the Blues struggled to match Oxfordshire in both batting and bowling, and lost by 4 wickets.

Blues captain Raj Sharma (Mansfield) won the toss and chose to bat on a bitterly cold day, with blustery conditions, interspersed with the occasional sunny patch. In the overcast conditions, conditions were tricky, yet Oxford openers, Robin Thompson (Worcester) and Nick Meadows (St. John’s) put on 16 for the first wicket before Meadows edged a ball that seamed away to be caught behind. This brought Avinash Sharma (Green Templeton) to the crease, and together with Thompson, they proceeded to add 71 for the second wicket. The pair scored quickly, as the two ran superbly between wickets, putting pressure onto the fielders with a succession of quick singles. Sharma punished anything full in length with some crunching drives, whilst Thompson rotated the strike to allow his more aggressive partner the lion’s share of the strike. When spin was introduced into the attack in the tenth over, Sharma went on the offensive, looking to hit over the top at every opportunity, before he eventually holed out to mid on. However, from 87-1, Oxford collapsed to 113-5, as the Oxfordshire spinners bowled tightly to restrict the scoring. Rain arrived after 33 overs, and after a brief interlude, Dan Pascoe (Lincoln) and Tom Bryan (Worcester) joined forces to rebuild the innings, and the pair batted sensibly to add 93 for the 6th wicket, before Pascoe was caught off the penultimate ball of the Oxford innings for 55. This left Oxford with a below par score of 208-6 from their 50 overs, Bryan finishing unbeaten on 38.
Knowing that they had not batted as well as they might have done, the pressure was on the Blues to come out firing on all cylinders. Unfortunately, both Nick Buchanan (Hertford) and Andrew Shakespeare (Worcester) struggled with their line, and the Oxfordshire opener Kaufman took full advantage, as he raced to his fifty.

The rain returned after five overs of the Oxfordshire innings, and when play resumed, the county side were chasing a revised target of 186 from a total of 41 overs.
Kaufman then continued where he had left off before the break, before he was dismissed for 68 from 52 balls, the Oxfordshire openers having put on 102 for the first wicket. Oxford managed to exert a great deal of pressure on the opposition batsmen, with Sharma going for just 10 runs from his 6 overs and spinners Pascoe and Thompson picking up five wickets between them.

However, it proved to be a case of too little too late, the damage to Oxford’s chances having been done earlier in the match. The runs were knocked off in 38.3 overs, with Oxfordshire finishing on 187-6, to win by 4 wickets.
Despite the defeat, Blues captain Sharma praised the resilience of his team. ‘It’s always going to be tough when you don’t quite get enough runs on the board, but I thought we stuck at it really well.’

Although the end result was disappointing for the Blues, particularly as it was the first match of the season in the Parks, there is a lot of one day cricket still to be played between now and the Varsity match at Lord’s on the 4th July, and the Blues will look to bounce back this week when they play the Duke of Norfolk’s XI.

 

Raising the Bar

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The name Beth Tweddle may not instinctively roll of the tongue of followers of mainstream sport. Mind you, neither would gymnastics. Despite a injury-prone career, Tweddle has constantly defied the odds and proved all her critics wrong. At the age of 24, an OAP in gymnastic years, Tweddle has gone where no British female gymnast has gone before, winning numerous British, World and European titles and crowning it all with an MBE. The only major accolade to elude her during a remarkable career is an Olympic medal. With London 2012 just over the horizon, a medal of any colour in her home country mark the perfect finish to a sparkling career. Here Tweddle reflects on her remarkable path to stardom, how she’s helping to inspire the next generation of gymnasts, and what the future holds for both her and British gymnastics.

AK: Gymnastics wasn’t your first passion, so when did your love for gymnastics first start off?
BT: I was a very hyperactive kid. I tried all sorts of sports: ballet, swimming and one of my dad’s friends took me along to the local gymnastics club and I absolutely hated it. It was only when I did my first competition that I realised that this was the stage I wanted to be on and I never looked back after that.

AK: Obviously you’ve had a fantastic career and some people say you’re the best British female gymnast ever. What’s been the highlight of this illustrious career of yours so far?
BT: It definitely has to be the world title at the O2 Arena last year just because everyone’s always known me for my bar work, and the floor work was a bit of an added bonus. So to come out with the World Title having had the disappointment of not even qualifying for the bar only three or four days before made it all the more special and showed people that I’m not just a one trick pony and I can do other stuff other than bars.

AK: If you’re going to be really critical of yourself where would you say your weakness lies?
BT: I think the artistry on the floor. I’m not the best dancer in the world! I know that and I think the judges know that so I have to work harder on the skills and the leaps to cover it up!

AK: A lot has been talked about regarding your age. You’ll be twenty-seven when you appear in London. Is age a barrier in gymnastics?
BT: It can be if you let it be. I think the main thing is I’m clever with my training and I work closely with my trainer and physios. After every major international I get time off to let my body recover and when I’m training for the events I don’t necessarily do the same sort of training as what I did when I was fifteen or sixteen. I just believe that with age comes experience and hopefully I can take that experience away and use it to my advantage.

AK: Do you still feel that there’s quite a lot of pressure on you given that you’re the stand out figure in British gymnastics?
BT: I think obviously gymnastics is seen as a little girl’s sport and every parent wants to put their little girl into gymnastics. Hopefully by having the likes of Lewis Smith who won Olympic Bronze and Dan Keatings who won a silver at the World Championships last year, little boys can look up to them as a role model. Their profiles are only just starting to build whereas my profile has been around for a while. Hopefully they’ll help to spur on the younger kids to get involved and not just go down to the local football pitch!

AK: Do you think the future is a bright one for gymnastics in this country?
BT: Definitely. Our Romanian coach was there at the weekend when we won team silver and it was the first time we’d ever come above sixth so to win a silver medal was a massive achievement for British gymnastics both on the girls and boys side. He said ‘I’ve waited eighteen years for this results and its finally come.’ A lot of people gave him stick over the years saying ‘You’ve not got the results, you’ve not got the results,’ and he was saying ‘It takes time, it takes time.’ Obviously he spotted us when we were tiny tots and it’s taken that ten to twenty years to come through and finally it has started to come through.

AK: If we look past London 2012, you’ve talked about working in schools and local communities in trying to promote, amongst other sports, gymnastics, how important do you think it is to give kids the opportunity to do something with their lives?
BT: It’s a massive thing. Sport for me has given me passion in my life. For me it has kept me off the streets and it has given me something to aim towards and if I can give one child that opportunity then I’ve done my job. Kids get such a bad reputation these days but at the end of the day I don’t think they’re bad kinds – they’re no different to what we were. That’s why I’ve set these academies up in deprived areas of Liverpool. It gives them the opportunity to have a go at gymnastics. When the Olympics come, I think the uptake on gymnastics will go over the wall. Every parent wants to take their kid to gymnastics because it’s on the TV so much! So hopefully we’ll have the same effect with the Olympics in 2012.

 

The Poptician will see you now

It’s impossible to talk to John Hegley for more than a few minutes without his enjoyment of words and rhyme, bubbling ‘sheer and clear and fun to hear’ into the conversation. The popular poet, who has produced ten books of verse and prose pieces, two CDS and one mug, is an Edinburgh Fringe Festival regular, former front man of the John Peel-endorsed Popticians, and is performing at the Oxford Playhouse on Friday 14th May. Hegley, who started his career busking outside a Hull shoeshop, now DJs, performs frequently for the radio, runs workshops and was awarded an honorary Doctorate of Arts from the University of Bedfordshire.

Known for his exploration of topics as diverse as dog hair, potatoes, handkerchiefs and the misery of human existence, Hegley says childhood curiosity, having stayed with him through to adulthood, fuels the variety of his creative output. The balance he maintains between his poetry as written words and theatrical performance is inspired by the reciprocity of children’s street rhymes and games.

Hegley sees the poet as a conductor, absorbing the lightning of the audience, and stresses that audience interaction is as integral to his performance ‘as cake is to icing’, and makes all the difference to his ‘poetic slicing.’
In Hegley’s eyes, poetry is an aural art form just as much as it is written; he sees poetry hand in hand with performance. ‘Poetry is to be enjoyed; its reception is the most important thing. The point of poetry is to make the audience laugh or cry or think, and to want to pass it on to someone else.’ Only through theatre, however, can the poet experience the pleasure of giving their words as a gift, and enjoy the reaction which greets them, a fresh and unique time and again with every new audience.

Hegley’s enthusiasm for poetry and its reception is infectious, and in conclusion to his endearing, generous conversation, he offers this advice to aspiring poets and performers: ‘Find the juice. Find the elephant in the room…Find the moose in the room.’

Why not try: Ultimate Frisbee

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How many of us don’t just love throwing a Frisbee around on a nice sunny day? It’s leisurely enough and you can impress your friends by launching a Frisbee high into the stratosphere or by making a good catch.

So why not try it as a sport and play ultimate Frisbee (I’m sorry, I mean Ultimate, to use the official name).
To play Ultimate, all one needs is an empty field (ideally one 40 metres by 120 metres) and 13 friends to make up two teams of 7. The pitch is then split up into a 70 yard playing field with two 25 yard “end zones” on either end. Then one can start to play Ultimate to their heart’s content and so give a nice little twist to a leisurely summer game of Frisbee.

It is a very easy sport to play with one really only needing to know the basic rules. Firstly that once a player has caught the Frisbee, they then cannot move until they have passed the Frisbee to another teammate. Secondly they then have ten seconds to pass the Frisbee to a teammate and they are counted down from 10 by an opposing player within 10 yards of them. Finally (and quite importantly) it is a non contact sport and so defenders cannot physically obstruct or tackle the opposing team. Having said this, the game is refereed by the players and so you never know what you might get away with.

The aim in Ultimate is to score more points than the opposing team, with a point being awarded to a team if they successfully complete a pass to a teammate within the opposing team’s defensive “end zone”. The game ends once a team has reached 15 points with at least a two point advantage or after an agreed period of time for those of you who aren’t that confident in your goal scoring abilities.

This exciting sport is now played, believe it or not, by over 60 universities in the country, including by our very own Oxford University. In fact, the Oxford Ultimate team has some form of practice almost every day of the week amd there are many teams that you can get involved in. Alternatively, you can get in touch with your college Ultimate captain (yes there is actually such a thing) and play at a more casual standard, or even take part in cuppers this term.

To start with, however, in a moment of boredom or avoiding of revision, why not just go to your college gardens or parks and through a Frisbee around with mates and give Ultimate a go? What better way to spend a summer afternoon is there? I mean anything with a name like Ultimate has got to be pretty cool.

 

My big fat Oxford week

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Tuesday.: Week begins well when brewing nervous breakdown fuelled by Red Bull and Marlboro Menthols arrives and the cast, noticing my thousand-yard stare, take charge. Meanwhile Emily, the Producer, rocks me gently against her bosom and I clutch my now-battered copy of The Odyssey, muttering “WWOD?” What Would Odysseus Do?

Wednesday: Apparently Odysseus would ditch the caffeine drinks, dress like a gypsy queen and fuel up on female empowerment via Madonna Glee-injection. A rejuvenated Director Bitch from Hell returns to rehearsal. Cast respond well to instructions to be men who killed puppies for fun as children. “You are all vile,” I tell them proudly. They beam at me beatifically.

Thursday: After making passionate and bold assertions in tute about novel I have not read, I quick march over to rehearsal. The music cue-to-cue is in tatters, as LMH have apparently lied about owning a piano. Why? Why?

Friday. May Day. Solve problems of stress with retail therapy. Solve problems of money with student credit card. Spend evening being witty, charming and attractive (definitely true and not pleasant, cocktail-fuelled delusion) before retiring to bed.

Saturday: Arrive at 10am rehearsal to find large proportion of cast sleepless and hung-over/still drunk. Tell them loudly I have little sympathy. One goes to sleep on floor of rehearsal room. Write off day’s productivity.

Sunday: Get-in at Playhouse. Am asked to give opinion on ‘cladding’. Don’t know what ‘cladding’ is. Transpires to be technical word for ‘draping’. Realise suddenly that set- nay, entire play – is a realisation of the inside of my head, making the cast and crew tiny brain-people. The realisation cheers me considerably. Leaving the theatre, Producer and I spot giant Odyssey poster erected above Playhouse entrance for the first time. We hold hands and pray.

 

 

Deep in the Vatican vaults

When I arrived in Rome three months ago, I wasn’t to know that I was about to get a first-hand experience of one of the biggest crises of the western world’s oldest and largest institution: the Roman Catholic Church.
As I started my internship with the BBC, I was immediately intrigued by the subtle yet omnipresent power of the Church that pervaded all of Rome: not only a visual and physical power – the colossal St Peter’s church, hundreds of priests and nuns walking silently on the streets – but also a fiercely strong political and social one.

I understood what it meant to live in the same city as the Pope when I was sent to interview the head of a Roman state school. The man had provoked the Vatican’s wrath by installing a condom machine for students. It ‘trivializes sexuality’ wrote Cardinal Augosto Vallini, Vicar General of Rome, in an official statement that was relayed by most Italian newspapers. Within a few hours, everyone knew about the small Kepler school situated in a lower-middle class district on the outskirts of Rome. Heading to the interview, I gave the taxi driver the school’s address not expecting that he would know about it but he immediately replied: ‘Ha, you want to go to the ‘condom school!’ and seeing me surprised he added, ‘It’s been on the radio all day’. On that afternoon, I witnessed the Vatican’s success in creating a media storm in Italy out of a decision that many schools around the world had made before without any particular public interest.

I observed a similar attempt by the Church to control the lives of the Italian laity during the regional elections in March 2010. Two women were competing for the presidency of Lazio, the region comprising Rome and the Vatican; Renata Polverini was from Berlusconi’s PDL party and Emma Bonino was the centre-left Democratic Party’s candidate, well known for her pro-abortion views. They had been head-to-head in the polls throughout the campaign. It has been argued that what eventually gave Polverini the advantage was the Church’s official intervention asking citizens to act according to their Catholic conscience thus avoiding voting for pro-abortion candidates.
‘It is with regard to the primordial right to life that in this third millennium, the whole of society still has to carry out an examination of conscience. Every citizen must bare this in mind when voting, both for national and local elections’, wrote Cardinal Angelo Bagnasco, head of the Italian Bishops Conference, in an official statement issued a few days before the elections. On the 29th of March 2010, Renata Polverini won the elections with 51.14% of the votes.

The problem is that the Vatican tends to impose its views when it does not strictly need to intervene, but conveniently remains quiet on more critical matters when they threaten its reputation. This wall of silence has been under attack for many years but when I arrived in Rome it finally seemed to be breaking down.

It is not the first time that the Vatican has been plagued by sex scandals – the Boston priests’ case in the 1990s caused public outrage and forced Pope John Paul II to call an emergency meeting with US cardinals in 2002, which resulted in Archbishop Bernard Law’s resignation later that year. But this particular crisis seems particularly tenacious, and therefore extremely dangerous for the Church. ‘I have never seen a graver crisis affecting the Church’ said David Willey, the BBC’s Vatican specialist who has been reporting from the principality for the past forty years and for whom I had the privilege to work. ‘The façade is finally beginning to crack’, he added. That is because the scandals now directly involve the Vatican’s most holy and powerful representative: the Pope.

Did Benedict XVI (Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger at the time) know about all these atrocities, and if so, why did he not report them to the authorities? The fact that the press all around the world has repeatedly raised this question is quite an exceptional event in itself. For the first time, the Church’s leader is accused of being somewhat responsible for covering up heinous crimes that were allegedly reported to him while he was Archbishop of Munich in the 1970s and later in Rome. Indeed, between 1981 and 2005, Cardinal Ratzinger was Prefect of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) in charge, amongst other things, of dealing with clerical sexual misconduct.

In May 2001, Ratzinger sent a letter to all Catholic Bishops ordering that ‘preliminary investigations’ into claims of sexual abuse should be sent directly to the CDF office, without informing authorities for ‘cases of this kind are subject to the pontifical secret’. Some argue that this letter proved Cardinal Ratzinger’s deliberate attempt to obstruct an inquiry into sex abuse, but others claim it showed his determination to organize the Church’s chaotic system by centralizing all the allegations to his office. As a matter of fact, Ratzinger’s defenders portray him as the first Pope who has demonstrated a real dedication to free the Church from sexual crimes. Not only has Benedict XVI commented on the scandals more frequently than his predecessor, but he also tried investigating an estimated two thousand sexual abuses on boys committed during the 1990s by the Austrian Cardinal Groër, John Paul II’s close friend, but the Vatican stopped him. Could John Paul II, the much-loved pope, have done a worse job than the austere Benedict XVI in handling cases of sexual abuse? ‘I doubt that Ratzinger will go down in history as a better pope than his predecessor, but he may well have prevented him ever becoming a Saint’ David Willey told me.

It is interesting to see how Ratzinger’s 2001 letter can be interpreted in such drastically opposed, yet justifiable, ways. Unfortunately, the Vatican’s media strategy has been appalling throughout the crisis and therefore the other side of the story has rarely been heard. The Vatican would ‘shoot the messenger’ – a New York Times’ article was said to be an ‘ignoble attempt to attack at any cost Benedict XVI’ – but never rationally invalidated the accusations regarding the Pope’s handling of the sexual abuse cases.

It is key to remember that the word ‘cases’ objectifies what is fundamentally a terrible human tragedy, as I realized during the afternoon I spent at the BBC office with two American men who had been sexually abused by priests more than thirty years ago. No words could ever describe what they had to endure, and the psychological torture they still suffer today. They had come to Rome to be heard, having felt that the moment of truth had finally arrived. ‘It is amazing to see that no matter where we come from, the same rule of silence has been imposed upon priests’ victims’ one of the men told me. ‘I still believe in God, but not in the Church’, he added in a calm but resolute tone. When I left the office that night and walked through St Peter’s square, not even the beautiful façade of the church in the twilight could make me forget what I had heard.

Hometown: Hexham, Northumberland

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Typical freshers’ week scene: the JCR bar, a hundred post-pubescents desperately attempting to look cool and the same four or five questions asked again and again. After name/course/building comes the inevitable question ‘so, whereabouts are you from?’ For me, to reply to this question is to look like a wanker. If I reply ‘near Newcastle’, questions about my accent, or lack thereof, would be raised, leading me to make some excuse about being ‘educated in the south’; yet if I say ‘Northumberland’ I am met with blank stares and feel obliged to patronise them (it is England’s sixth largest county after all) with ‘almost Scotland, but not quite’. So either I look pompous or they look stupid. Maybe it would have been easier to have just picked them up on their fag-end preposition?

Hexham might be familiar to any of you studying Classics or Ancient History, as it is located just off Hadrian’s Wall. As such, much of the town’s tourism is devoted to all things Roman, including a particular local known as ‘Jefficus’ who holds talks for tourist in full Roman officer get-up. Perhaps the town’s golden era was in the early nineties when Kevin Costner’s 1991 epic Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves decided to use a local portion of the Wall in the film. Not only did it introduce Hexham to black people (Morgan Freeman played Robin’s Moorish sidekick) but it also gave weight to Tourism North East’s claim that, when travelling from Dover to Nottingham, Northumberland is worth the 300 mile detour.

It seems that no ‘Hometown’ piece would be complete without the obligatory mention of the local nightclub. Dontino’s (technically renamed ‘Studio’) is the only place to go on a Friday night, and by that I mean that there really is nowhere else. Being a classy establishment, entry is denied to those wearing tracksuit bottoms (although it is only a short walk to the new, controversial, 24-hour Tesco Extra). Yet still I have never been without a male member of my group and another member of the throng having a physical disagreement. Men from Hexham, however, are extremely chivalrous and willing to buy any girl a pizza in exchange for a mobile number.

Joking aside, Hexham, like much of the North East, is famous for its cheery locals, a trait that works as a happy counterbalance to the miserable weather. However, one can’t help to feel claustrophobic in a town so static that the imminent arrival of Waitrose was front page news for about a year, giving the local populus a break from such gems as ‘TRAMPOLINES: This Summer’s Death Trap!’ and ‘Jimmy, the Talented Tyneside Teenager’ who can hold twelve eggs in one hand. Mammia Mia sold out, two screenings a day, for twelve consecutive weeks (honestly).

Finally, as it is Election Day, I would like to mention briefly local politics and bring up a bugbear of mine. Hexhamshire is a painfully safe Tory seat and today a new Conservative candidate is running. Very few areas have the same strength of regional pride as the North East, and it is an area typically misunderstood by Westminster. Rather than fielding a local candidate, Conservative HQ has shipped in one of Cameron’s catamites: a city lawyer who has until now had no connection with the region. To believe that someone like him could represent an area with such a sense of local identity is the typical condescension of the South Eastern elite. All they needed was to choose a candidate of their political leaning, who was engaging and had spent some proper time in the area. Kevin Costner, anyone?

Now that’s what I call an essay crisis

Like many other graduates without a meticulously structured career plan post-university, the jarring need to move onto the next big thing came as something as a shock. I moved into a new house, convincing myself that my degree meant any spell of unemployment was likely to be an aberration and nothing more, but as the days turned to weeks, desperation crept in. Never kind to ditherers at the best of times, the post-recessionary job market put a large dent in my jejune optimism. Everything was taking a long time to materialise – all except for the bills, of course. They were always punctual.

It was during this period that I had the name of a well known essay-writing site mentioned to me – the ones that write essays for order for paying students. The deal seemed a good one. Freedom to work from home – or indeed, wherever I wanted, and a salary which could reach £500 per week. The greatest appeal was, however, to my vanity – after countless knockbacks it seems I had finally found an employer who was willing to give creative license to my professional intentions.

When I mentioned my new employment to my flatmate, he was appalled, citing the undermining of academic integrity, and the effects on inequality which such sites engender. Now, I can’t pretend that I took seriously the statement provided by these sites which emphasised the purely guiding role these ‘sample’ essays were meant to perform, but I didn’t see clearly in those early days who I was harming in the course of my late night writing sessions.

As my argument ran, the essays of the length I was writing would be unlikely to be coursework, and that marks for such things could never make up a substantial proportion of the student’s overall grade. Tutors would easily catch out exceptionally advanced work, and furthermore, I reasoned that essay-writing was so conducive to the learning of the subject that the students lazy enough to pay the money would show themselves up badly in exams, thus not disrupting the meritocratic principles of the academic system. This stance was to take a beating in the weeks that followed, as it became clear from the information submitted along with the briefs which I was bidding for, that the pieces were assessed, that some did count towards their overall grade, and finally, that one was a dissertation.

My disillusionment was compounded by the particulars of the site’s policy when bidding for briefs. I was contacted by an employee of the company who wanted me to know in what kind of academic areas I specialised. I realised later that the reason for this was their desire to work out which writers were most abundant, and thus the lowest price they could offer and still have the work written. This seemed the only plausible explanation for how some more esoteric subjects could offer vastly higher fees than more common ones for essays of similar length.

The deadlines offered by the site were also unrealistic. Thousands of words were expected within a one-or two day timeframe. This of course played into the hands of the company, whose terms of service allowed them to confiscate the entire fee if the brief was late by more than 48 hours. Panicked by the impending deadlines I faced, I resorted to a combination of research chemicals and not sleeping in order to complete them. This in turn made me irritable during the day, and resulted in terrible interviews for the few jobs I could still apply for. I became a mess – snapping at my housemates, sleeping in the day, and my eyes ached from all the time I was spending with the computer screen.

The last straw for me was an experience which vividly brought home how little these sites value their writers, and how powerless they are in the face of the contract they sign. I applied for and got a brief which turned out to be a dissertation. Vowing to myself that it was going to be the last piece of work I would do for the company, I set about writing it.

It soon became clear that the deadline was insufficient. Two weeks was always going to be optimistic when my masters dissertation had taken me two months, but I noted that the client’s deadline was not for many months yet. I begged for extensions to be made, only to find that instead of reasoning with the client in what should have been a matter of common sense, the company seemed instead keen to pander to the client’s every whim, vigorously chasing me up and even threatening me with refunding the client and making me legally liable for the value of their payment.

Nor did my problems end once the work was handed in. For weeks afterwards, the company refused to pay my invoice – amounting to £400 – citing a list of their client’s demands which had nothing to do with the original specifications of the project. As anyone who’s struggled on a low wage can attest to, losing £400 from a month’s wages is serious business. It caused me immense inconvenience having to ask for money from friends and family, but I was completely powerless in the face of the contract I had signed.

So I worked my way through the alterations, only to find that there was seemingly no end in sight. Bizarre requests for redrafting continued to hit my inbox. Eventually enough was enough, and I terminated my service agreement with the company, asking for part settlement of my fee for the article at the modest rate of two thirds of its original value. I have yet to receive anything, however. Each email I send is met with a sneering reply which alludes to deductions and potential legal action for my refusal to carry out more work for free.

My advice: consider well the contempt with which they hold their writers, and steer well clear. I am now making a living teaching my subject part-time, and I haven’t looked back since.