Sunday 14th September 2025
Blog Page 2145

Top Five Films To: Make You Not Want To Have Kids

Kids are great right? Cherubic mini-people. Their greatest concern – making the tortuous decision to that eternal question: Hannah Montana or High School Musical? Bless their little hearts, etc. Or not. Thank god we have cinematic evidence to expose the vile demonic truth – kids are fucking scary. Personally, kids scare the shit out of me even without the added bonus of being the spawn of Satan, so Damian in Richard Donner’s The Omen (1976) seriously begs the question: why have a kid if it could end up hanging all your domestic staff? That film is one of the most effective methods of contraception I’ve come across. Try it.

The finest in the that-kid’s-so-scary-I-don’t-even-want-to-see-another-kid-let-alone-have-one brand, however, is surely found in Gore Verbinski’s The Ring (2002). You go through the miserable, longwinded process of adoption and all you get at the end of it is Samara: the most truly horrifying horror-child ever created. You’d have thought a child standing still and not saying anything for a few hours would be a positive thing, but oh no. One controversial, but valuable tip this film will teach you: if you see a child stuck down a well DO NOT HELP IT OUT.

Similarly terrifying is The Sound of Music (1965). The thought of losing several perfectly good curtains just so your kids can have play clothes to cycle around Austria in is enough to force my womb into a perpetual strike, and it should be enough for yours too.

Chan-wook Park’s Oldboy (2003) provides convincing evidence that having kids = emotional pain/self disgust. Do you want even the slightest risk of someone to locking you in a room for 15 years, then hypnotising you into committing incest with your own daughter? Thought not.

Finally, Chris Columbus’ Home Alone (1990): if Macauley Culkin had never been born, sure, his family home would have been subject to some heavy theft while they were on holiday, but you tell me how his parents are going to get shavingfoam/blood/tar/chicken feathers/crushed pieces of toy cars out of the carpet?

Enough said.

Coraline

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Coraline is meant for children, but this darkly beautiful twisted fairytale is sure to appeal to audiences of all ages. Henry Selick (director of The Nightmare Before Christmas and James and the Giant Peach) once again triumphs in the world of stop motion animation. Coraline bemoans her boring existence, feeling ignored by her parents in their new home. Upon discovering a tiny secret door she discovers there is more to the house, and steps into a happier reflection of her own world, complete with her apparently charming “other mother”. Attention is lavished on her, and rather than irritations her neighbours become entertainment. All is not as it seems in the other world though, and Coraline has more than herself to save.

The film is Selick’s first venture into the world of 3D, now apparently a prerequisite for children’s films. While the majority simply use this gimmick to disguise woeful plotlines, Coraline really works in 3D. Rather than being poked in the eye, the audience is drawn into the scene: every frame is beautifully illuminated, with a depth that inevitably leaves the audience enchanted. From a magic garden with a thousand flowers slowly unfurling and lighting up, reminiscent of Disney’s Fantasia, to a circus full of jumping mice, the scenery is stunning. As in The Nightmare Before Christmas, Selick carefully employs the use of colour, leaving the real world as plain as possible to make the Other world all the more sumptuous.

The plot manages to wear its traditional “be careful what you wish for” morality well, even if it is a little over-reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland at times – complete with Cheshire Cat. There’s enough action and intrigue to keep everyone involved though. The twists might not be ground-breaking, but done this well they still grab your attention.

Clever characterisation, particularly that of supporting characters Mr Bobinsky, the retired Russian acrobat upstairs, and Misses Spink and Forcible, rotund retired actresses downstairs, will keep even adults entertained. . Spink and Forcible (French and Saunders) are exceptionally well cast, exuding energy and vitality. Much like Shrek the script manages subtle nods to grown-up humour, while not alienating its core audience – no small achievement. Coraline excels as a protagonist too, a fully developed character rather than a moping Disney brat, with a distinct attitude and some impressive brains.

Adults might wonder if the film is too scary for children – it had me gasping at times – but the little ones leave enthralled, not afraid. The film manages to blend the terrifying and the surreal to sublime effect: a children’s classic in the making. A perfect fairytale, Coraline dazzles in every sense.

Simply Spock On

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With the new Star Trek movie being a Casino Royale-style re-launch of the
series, as die-hard ‘trekkies’, the Oxford Star Trek Society had our
reservations about the upcoming film. With the franchise having stalled in
recent years, many attempts have been made to inject new life into it (with
novels, computer games, and of course the last series), all with limited
degrees of success. The latter, Star Trek:Enterprise, was widely criticised for its
frequent and unnecessary breaking of the established canon, resulting in
its premature termination after four seasons. Star Trek is such a long
running show, that it is only natural for its keenest fans to expect to be
rewarded with a seamless continuity in return for their investment and
viewership. Thus, when JJ Abrams announced his intention to create a ‘new’
Star Trek canon (with changes justified by the alternate timeline generated
by the movie’s sinister villain, Nero), I expected to be disappointed.
Delightfully, however, I was wrong.
 
The movie was very easy to get into: the back story is built up in a smooth
manner for the new viewer, with a  pleasant number of unobtrusive nods to
the previous incarnations of Trek to suit long-time fans: it was nice to see
Uhura’s earpiece, for example, being almost unchanged amidst the gorgeous
new bridge set. Engineering was a mild disappointment, the familiar warp
core being replaced by a vast factory-like set of pipes and machinery, yet
the rest of the sets remained reasonably true to form, the ‘i-enterprise’
(as someone termed it) offering a more believable bridge between the gritty
technology of Star Trek: Enterprise and the later shows than the unique style of the
original series. The new USS Enterprise is a thing of beauty, and the
graphics in the movie really do her credit: long gone are the wooden, planar
ship movements of old, the effects screaming graceful action all the way
through. The music too, reminiscent of the classical pieces of the previous
movies, is excellently composed and sets the mood well.
 
One main critique would be the underdevelopment of some of the characters.
Scotty, McCoy and Chekov feel redundant, present only to complete the
original bridge crew set, and the villain of the piece is so little fleshed
out that his inevitable defeat feels almost irrelevant, and rather rushed,
at the end of movie. Perhaps, however, this is because of the core essence
of Trek, which has always been essentially about personal issues, rather
than the futuristic setting: Abrams has captured this well in the growing
trust between Kirk and Spock, while the frequent action scenes keep the plot
from getting too slow.
 
In the end, my only issue with this new show and its continuity was not that
it exists, but that such a wonderful film couldn’t fit exactly with the
canon I know and love: it seems only a shame the movie could not have been
written in such a way to make that possible. I look forward to there being

many sequels. This is a must-see, for old fans and for new.

Highlights – Rugby Cuppers Final 2009

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Highlights from the 2009 Rugby Cuppers final.  Keble emerged victorious scoring 22 points to Teddy Hall’s 16.

Preview: The Servant’s Ball Blitzkrieg

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I don’t understand this play, and I don’t think you will either. For starters it’s actually a ‘quick script splicing job’ of two plays (The Servant’s Ball and Blitzkrieg) by Zimbabwean writer Dambudzo Marechera. Marechera, who died in 1987 after an eventful life – which included getting sent down from New College – apparently wrote about colonialism and corruption and all sorts of things self-styled theatre activists climax over.
The promo http://www.marecheracelebration.org/SBBK.html isn’t much help in understanding the production, being filled with more chunky polysyllabic goodness than an essay of a lit student on a verbal enema. It’s amazing that in all those words, there’s barely anything on the plot. This is probably because, as far as I could tell, there isn’t one. The fact that the audience’s attention is constantly ping-ponged from one scene in one play to another scene in another play probably makes things worse.
Having said that, I rather enjoyed it. I say ‘rather’ because the Servant’s Ball bits were playful while the direction for Blitzkrieg frothed with the kind of morbid angst I left behind in my teens, thank-you-very-much. The cast played off one another well and each gave their stock characters remarkably unpretentious performances (maybe they didn’t understand the play either) in cutely naff and quirky costumes. Special credit goes to Priyanka Mantha and Sophie Lewis, although the latter distorted the upbeat group dynamics somewhat with a heavier, more serious stage presence.
The real sparkle, however, lay in the directors’ use of sounds. Mixed with the lines and actors’ voices were live musical accompaniment, singing, choral speech, wallas, rhymes, all making for a lively aural ensemble. In one witty word-game the actors looked like they were really having fun, which made it all the more enjoyable to watch.
Less enjoyable was the dancing. I’m not sure how many of the cast had diplomas in interpretative dance, but here’s a tip: if you can’t do it, don’t. The average audience member (i.e. me) is unlikely to decipher Postcolonial Subversion of the Hegemonic Neo-colonial Socioeconomic Matrix from what looks very much like A Plain Old Mess. The blocking in general was very disordered, with characters showing little reason for their movements and occasionally walking through imaginary walls.
Ultimately, there’s a lot of promise here which could go either way. Here’s hoping that they up the energy, up the lights, sounds and fun, because ultimately fun, for the sake of nothing but itself, is the most subversive thing of all.

three stars

The Servant’s Ball Blitzkrieg will be playing at the Wadham Moser Theatre, Monday-Friday 3rd Week, 19.30. Tickets cost £7(£5)

 

Oxford’s first case of swine flu

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A six year old Oxfordshire schoolgirl has been diagnosed with swine flu.

The girl, a pupil at Sandhills primary school, East Oxford, allegedly caught the disease while holidaying in Mexico. She is reported to have attended school for only one day before falling ill. The school was closed for several days as a precautionary measure. However, health officials have urged the public not to panic.

Dr Noel McCarthy, of Thames Valley Health Protection Unit, told the BBC the case had been “contained”, and it is reported that the girl has made a full recovery.

McCarthy praised her family’s “quick and sensible response”, and reassured the public that the girl’s family and everyone else who had been in contact with her had been approached and offered treatment to prevent possible infection.

“The child was in no way ill when she was at school or around that time so there is no risk to anybody at the school,” he added.

“Having said this, the county council and the head of the school are, and will be continuing to contact those in the school to give clear information but mainly to reassure people rather than to say that they need to do anything special.”

Some students, however, have voiced concern. “I know the best thing to do is to keep a stiff upper lip, but its hard not to be worried when a disease which spreads so fast and can kill so quickly comes so close to Oxford,” said one Oriel first-year.

Others disagreed. One New College postgraduate said “the overreaction to swine flu is actually dangerous. It’ll be like the boy who cried wolf – people won’t be as worried as they should be when a really deadly pandemic comes along”.

Andrew Smith, MP for Oxford East, said: “The most important thing here is that the little girl concerned is recovering well, which is great news. We must also thank the health professionals for what by all accounts is good handling of the situation.” He also praised the local media for what he called a “balanced and responsible” response to the situation.

No further cases of the infection have been reported in Oxfordshire.

Elsewhere, pupils at South Hampstead High School, North London, and Alleyn’s School, Dulwich, saw school cancelled for several days after pupils at both schools, both of whom who had also been on holiday in Mexico, contracted the illness. There have been thirty-two confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the UK, but no deaths have been reported. Cases have been reported in nineteen countries, and some British tourists remain in quarantine abroad, most notably in Hong Kong.

Oxford University is currently in the ‘Amber 2 Pandemic Phase’, which, according to the university website, is proportionate to large clusters of human-to-human spread and a substantial pandemic risk. The World Health Organisation pandemic phase is phase 5, one stage before an actual pandemic. The university formed a committee at the end of last week in response to Swine Flu.

Dr Ian Brown, Director of Occupational Health at the University, issued a statement to members of the University on May 1st .

“All staff or students who have returned from Mexico within the last seven days should inform the Occupational Health Department of the University on their return even if they are well,” it read.

“The University of Oxford has comprehensive and detailed plans in place for this contingency: the University’s pandemic flu planning document is available on this website and further guidance has been issued to Colleges and departments.”

On Wednesday, Roger Harrabin, Environmental analyst at the BBC, urged the ‘need for perspective’ on Swine Flu. He compared it to the huge scares during the BSE, SARS and Avian Flu crises, when in each case it was reported that hundreds of thousands could die. In fact, total deaths worldwide from the three ‘pandemics’ combined came to just over one thousand.

Simon Jenkins was another journalist who urged the need for a proportionate response, and slammed virologist John Oxford for referring to a Swine Flu ‘Armageddon’.

Recent reports suggest the virus is past its peak, but England’s chief medical officer, Sir Liam Donaldson, warned against complacency because flu viruses could change character “very rapidly”.

 

Bod’s safety measures have ‘detrimental effects’

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The removal of step-ladders in Duke Humfrey’s library due to health and safety concerns has resulted in students being unable to access books on the top shelves in the Arts end of the galleries.

Last year Health and Safety office deemed that the use of step ladders by staff to reach books on the top shelves could result in an accident. Thus, it ordered for the ladders to be removed.

There is no temporary solution in place meaning that several students are currently denied access to books, which they desperately need. A substantial number of early modern printed books has been made inaccessible. Many of the books are not available elsewhere in Oxford.

Kelsey Williams, a graduate student at Balliol explained how not being able to access the book ‘Delitiæ poetarum Scotorum’, would have a detrimental effect on his work.

He said, “Access to it is necessary for my research and when I do eventually consult a copy, I will be forced to waste a day traveling to London and looking at the one in the British Library, despite the fact that I can practically see the Bodleian’s copy every time I walk into Duke Humfreys.”

He dismissed the idea that there was a health and safety risk, saying, “There is no health and safety issue meriting the ladders’ removal. The galleries are perfectly safe and unless someone is simply being careless there is no more danger of falling than of falling off a chair.”

Another graduate, Sam Fallon, expressed frustration at not being able to access books. He said, “I think it’s kind of ridiculous, bureaucracy in overdrive.”

When he requested a book from the top shelf, his book request was cancelled with the notice, “Unable to fetch, book kept on top shelf in gallery. Due to new health and safety measures, step ladders can no longer be used.”

Laurence Benson, Director of Administration and Finance explained, “The balcony has a low rail and we have been instructed by the health and safety office that this increases the risk to those in the balcony…as part of the process the restriction on the use of ladders on the balcony have been introduced.”

He said that the solution to the problems has proved to be “time-consuming”. He added, “The library would prefer to keep the books in their original historic location – where they have been safely consulted for 400 years prior to the instructions from the Health and Safety office.”

Several students have suggested that the books be moved to another location, where they can be easily accessed.

Kelsey Williams said, “Their number is relatively small by the standards of the Bodleian’s vast storage spaces and there would be no difficulty finding room for them elsewhere.”

However, one student claimed that senior officials had forbidden the removal of the books as it would result in the Duke Humfrey’s being “insufficiently pretty for the tourists”.

 

Covered Market to trial openings on Sunday

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Oxford’s historic Covered Market is to open for trading on Sundays for the first time this summer.

Many shops and stalls in the market have agreed to trial Sunday openings between the hours of 10am and 4pm, beginning 17th of May.

The weekly Sunday openings will possibly continue until November, when the market has previously opened on Sunday in the run up to Christmas.

Richard Alden, spokesman of the Covered Market Traders’ Association said, “I know some traders still have some misgivings about this, but we want to run the trial until the end of September and we are hoping it will be a success.

“Sunday is the second busiest trading day of the week, and during the summer, there are thousands of tourists and language students in Oxford.”

The plans to open the market on Sundays were announced in March by Mary Clarkson, of Oxford City Council, following discussions between council authorities and the Traders’ Association.

Cllr Mrs Clarkson said, “I think Sunday trading is a very good idea. If the scheme is well received, we can then put a system in place for a seamless transition from pilot scheme to permanent.”

However, shopkeepers remain divided in their reactions to the proposed openings.

Andrew Bowles, of Brothers Cafe, was undecided whether the café would open on Sundays. He remarked that many shopkeepers would consider Sunday trading but not necessarily open immediately.

Bowles was concerned that it may not be profitable to open for six hours on Sundays, citing that his business operated with five or six employees and required a lot of daily preparation before and after open hours. He added that as there would be no deliveries on Sunday, it might be difficult to have enough stock to sell.

John Partington, owner of Chocology, was positive about the proposed openings.

“It’s a beautiful place to walk around. The market’s full of independent people offering something different – it’s unique.

“Everywhere else is open on a Sunday, it’s time we were dragged into the 21st century.”

However, he asserted that business was “very tough” after Oxford City Council increased his rent by 48% last year.
“The council are not living in my world. [Sunday openings] will be great for us, we’ll definitely be open, and I think we’ll do very well, but I’d love for anyone in the council to come and work in my shop for a day and get a taste of the real world.”

Asked what he thought about other traders deciding not to open he remarked, “I think a lot of people just want a rest once a week.”

Variations in a gene may increase susceptibility to autism

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Researchers from Oxford University have discovered a common genetic link to the cause of autism.

The finding comes from an international team of scientists, including some from Oxford, who studied DNA from a total of over 12,000 volunteers.

A genetic cause for autism has long been suspected, but finding the genes responsible has proved difficult, until now.

This new research implicates genes involved in the connection and communication between nerve cells during brain development.

“This does seem to fit with what we know from brain scans,” said Tony Monaco, a researcher from Oxford University, who worked on the study.

“People with autism may show different or reduced connectivity between different parts of the brain.”

“Detailed analysis of the genes and how they affect brain development is likely to yield better strategies for diagnosing and treating children with autism,” commented Dr. Raynard Kington, director of the National Institute of Health.

 

College tortoises fight it out in a race

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Corpus Christi held its annual tortoise fair with Regent’s Park Emmanuelle and Corpus Christi’s Oldham emerging victorious.

Tortoise races involve the animals being placed inside a ring of lettuce, with the first to reach the ring being the winner. The first race was abandoned due to some tortoises false-starting and a lack of “excitement” during the race.

The second race, however, was much more successful. One of the Corpus tortoises, Oldham, soon made a break for the finish line, while the other tortoises were seemingly more intent on eyeing each other at the start position.

Oldham quickly won the race, with Regent’s Park coming second. However, there was controversy caused when the St Cross tortoise assaulted the Christ Church tortoise.
Both of the tortoises were male, so it is uncertain the exact nature and intent behind the assault.A Christchurch onlooker described the incident as “an emotional rollercoaster-ride”.

This year saw more tortoises competing than in past years, with 8 colleges being represented, and Corpus Christi themselves providing 2 tortoises, Oldham and Foxe, named after the two college founders.

A second race involving 2 human tortoises and one inanimate model tortoise took part. In order to compensate for the significant speed advantage that humans have, the human competitors were forced to eat an entire iceberg lettuce before starting the race. As a result, the Regent’s Park tortoise won the race.

Blue Peter did a feature on the tortoise fair in the past and were back this year to celebrate anniversary.
They were on hand to film the event, and Oldham will race on the programme against Shelley, the Blue Peter tortoise, on the 12th May.

The Regent’s Park tortoise, allegedly celebrating its 100th birthday this year, is “glad” to be back on Blue Peter, having previously appeared on the show in 1975.

JCR President Preet Dhillon commented on the event, “It was very exciting having Blue Peter in Corpus! They filmed a tortoise race in the 1970s and we were thrilled they wanted to come back. The excitement was both from Corpuscles and the kids who came to watch the race. We had fellows come with their kids as well so it was a really good event for Corpus.”

The race was just one of the events making up the tortoise fair – the whole day included a barbeque, Morris Dancers, various bands, stalls and a children’s bouncy castle.

Katie Doig, the Corpus Christi tortoise keeper was “very pleased with how the day was going”, and was glad that so many tortoises could take part in the event.