Lincoln 3 – 7 St. Anne's St Anne’s moved within a point of Worcester at the top of the JCR Premiership yesterday, comfortably despatching a sorry Lincoln side languishing at the bottom of the division. After a painful defeat to Wadham last week, Anne’s have bounced back confidently with a 4-0 rollover of Jesus and today’s 7-3 drubbing, and now lead the pack chasing down the reigning champions. Before this match Lincoln had picked up a single point from nine games, and it soon showed – this game was a contest for under a minute. The home side were left standing as Anne’s moved the ball quickly down the left wing, before Steve Clarke’s low cross was converted by hotshot Jacob Lloyd, bagging his ninth of the season and putting Anne’s in front after just 47 seconds. A second followed immediately, with Clarke’s deep free kick expertly knocked down by defender Chris Hollingdale, leaving Ed Border with the simplest of headed finishes. A third was quickly added, Robbie MacDonald racing onto keeper Mike Butler’s long kick before gently arcing his lob over the stranded keeper. ‘I’ve been looking for that assist all season’, cried Butler, but surely hadn’t anticipated the lack of a challenge from a single Lincoln defender. The punishment continued. Full back Andrew Royle powered down the left-flank, firing a cross across goal towards Border, who swivelled and finished from close range. 4-0 up after eight minutes, Anne’s were currently heading for a 45-0 victory. To their credit, Lincoln kept fighting. Very soon, striker Nicholas Long set off on a powerful counter-attacking run from the halfway line, beating two Anne’s defenders and leaving one on his backside before cutting in and sliding in a low finish. Yet Lincoln’s joy was shortlived. From kickoff, Anne’s immediately forced a corner to the right of the goal. It was cleared, but looped towards midfielder Steve Clarke, lurking well outside the box. Clarke, with a movement reminiscent of a combination of Zidane and Rooney, hit a volley which thundered unstoppably into the topleft hand corner of the Lincoln net, almost bursting it asunder. The satisfying clunk of the ball hitting the angle on its way in was replaced by an instant of stunned silence, before a yell of delight from every Anne’s player. Clarke set off on a mad sprint of celebration, only to be rugby tackled and disappear beneath a mass of mint-green shirts, with the prominent purple top of Butler at the top of the heap. Clarke was keen to make sure that this reporter had seen what was a true contender for goal of the season. A sixth soon followed, Stu Clarke bundling home after some silky wingplay from MacDonald. From this point on, the game went downhill, Anne’s missing a series of chances and Lincoln only flickering spasmodically. It remained 6-1 until half-time, after which Anne’s came out strongly. Lloyd and Crouch both went close, before Steve Clarke had a goal ruled out for offside – the first of three disallowed Anne’s goals that half. Soon after this, your intrepid reporter plunged into the fray, and had an up-close view of the majestic Border completing his hat-trick, holding off two vicious tackles before slotting past the keeper. As one Anne’s player said: ‘They were unable to fell the great oak’. Lincoln kept showing pride, fighting back with two good goals – first Long breaking again from an Anne’s corner before superbly crashing the ball into the top corner, and then Matthew Flood rising well to head home from a corner. But the game was long over as a contest. Border came close to a fourth, denied only by a superb save from Lincoln keeper James Nutton, whose fine second half performance was key to Anne’s not adding to their tally. The final score of 7-3 reflected Lincoln’s impressive doggedness in the second half, but also the understandably lax finishing of an Anne’s side who had wrapped up victory long ago, and will remember this game only for that first, thrilling, seventeen-minute period which saw them go 6-1 up, and included the best goal of their season. They now face an exciting run-in, competing with Oriel, Teddy Hall and Wadham in the pursuit of the mighty Worcester.by George Kynaston

…I'd introduce personality tests
Remember how at interviews there was that boasty dick that let everyone know their ancestry guaranteed them a place here and how the people who came to your school to chat about Oxford said that guys like that never got in, it was always the down to earth ones? Well, your cool interview friends got a big fat rejection and that dick is in college right now bragging about spending last night being sick on the chaplain’s cat. Inane prologue at an end, I am brought to my point: if I were vice chancellor, I would require applicants to pass a personality test to get an offer.
The University prides itself on being so academically focused, but surely a little rule bending would do a world of good. After all, Philip Pullman got a third, Lawrence of Arabia was a vandal and Jesus Christ didn’t even go here. It’s the interesting people, not those with scary module marks, who make a splash in the world and further this great institution’s good name. In addition to meeting an exacting academic standard, I would require students to have a certain level of intrigue, looks and general lack of annoying features.
Now obviously the Fellows aren’t really qualified to decide who’s cool enough to get in, so I think the choice would have to be made by the young and the beautiful. Interviewees would have to stand on a podium and sell themselves to the JCR. Knock knock jokes, acrobatics, penis puppetry – all those things that the process currently, insensibly, ignores – could be pulled out of the bag to convince the current students that one would make the college a more exciting place. Or even better, the whole thing could be televised and the event decided by public vote: ‘Brain Academy.’ The money raised from the calls could put to rest all these funding issues and, since your average Billy loves a maverick, Oxford would certainly be a more exciting place.
Instead of rugby drinks every Thursday, non-scripted fun would be had as there wouldn’t be the conversationless void that needs filling with chants. The ingratiating hacking would disappear as well, since the people who would be ‘in’ don’t suck up to no shit, man. There’s nothing like reality TV to show when someone is trying to blag their way into somewhere, so only people with a genuine interest in their subject would get in. This would rid Oxford of those who had just enough force-fed interview technique and ritalin-induced revision to gain a place here they’re now happily squandering.
It might seem that I am presuming myself among the elite; one of the cool kids. But please, gentle reader, do not attach to me such conceit. If I were vice chancellor I would be in by default, and whether I satisfied the criteria I laid down would be by the by. Without a hint of guilt, I would be fully abusing my power, ordering the finest freshers I could find to sit on my lap and jiggle their ladylumps. If all this seems a little superficial then remember: brains may build bridges, but only beauty can cross over them.by Jack Marley-Payne

The final blues league game against Worcester University is now essentially a shoot out for the title. Our victory over Bedford on Wednesday was complimented, rather unexpectedly, by Worcester dropping points against bottom of the table Northampton such that we were able to make up some lost ground and put ourselves back in with a chance of topping the final league tables. Granted Worcester are nominally still in pole position, needing only to hold us to a draw to finish above us, but we have been given another opportunity and the hope for a triumphant climax to the season will ensure that we will do everything in our power to get the victory. As far as I’m concerned this is just an important as the Varsity match. This is the culmination of everything we have done and put in place for the best part of the last year. This goes back to the last game of last season when we gained promotion, to the selection of the new committee for the upcoming season, through to the trials, the pre-season and every game last term. We have worked so hard and have overcome so many obstacles to put ourselves in this position and it will be a fitting tribute not just to the quality of our own team but the overall quality and excitement of the league in which we play that the title is to be decided in one single ‘winner takes all’ match. As we near the culmination of our BUSA season and the imminence of the varsity match becomes ever more apparent Martin Keown has decided to conduct our Sunday evening training sessions exclusively at the David Lloyd fitness centre, focussing on various circuits of plyometrics, weight training and spinning classes. This week we conducted exercises more specific to American football then traditional ’soccer’, encompassing a renewed focus on the mechanics of our running styles. However a rather worrying development, which raised numerous questions about the nature of team bonding at Arsenal, was Keown’s suggestion that in order to encourage greater confidence and a more relaxed attitude for one particular member of the squad, striker and social secretary Alex Toogood should somehow ‘arrange’ for said individual to spend some time in the company of ‘ladies of the night’. Its certainly doubtful that this rather dubious arrangement was the key to Thierry Henry’s success and Mr Toogood seemed somewhat bemused that such tasks were considered to fall under the remit of his responsibilities as social secretary. I’m sure more conventional and acceptable methods of building confidence and team spirit will be employed in preparation for Friday and we certainly hope that we will gain our rewards out there on the pitch.by Paul Rainford (Blues' Football Captain)

Meet Irene Tracy, Professor of Pain
Having a title that sounds like a breakaway hip-hop act from the early nineties is not exactly what you’d expect from the world of scientific research. Explaining her line of work at dinner parties must be torture, because Irene Tracy is The Professor of Pain.

Tracey’s extended, and less catchy, title is Head of the Pain Imaging Neuroscience Group at the Department of Human Anatomy and Genetics at the FMRIB centre in Oxford. She is also a fellow of Christ Church, where they’re all a little sadistic.

Speaking professionally, she says ‘Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional (conscious) experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage.’ Unpleasant? Is that it? I can imagine her during one of the experiments: ‘Now, just sit back, relax and I’m going to gently puncture your eardrum with this extremely large and dangerous looking syringe. All I want you to do is tell me when it feels unpleasant.’ Err…now.

20% of the adult population suffers from chronic pain, which makes it one of the largest medical health problems in the developing world. But until recent technological advances, it has been near impossible to obtain objective information from willing (and crazy) volunteers. A GP would have been more likely to diagnose you as a chronic whiner than a chronic sufferer. Tracey and her researchers are focused on determining the brain’s response to nociceptive (i.e. painful) stimuli and how anxiety, attention, distraction and anticipation affect pain perception.
What exactly that entails in practice I hate to think. I was extremely excited when I saw a link saying ‘Photo Gallery’ on the official research website. Expecting images of people being hung from the ceiling by their nipples, you can imagine my disappointment when it was only pictures of the researchers taking a group tour to a secluded, undisclosed location. Actually, perhaps that’s more sinister.
Whatever the exact details of the experiments themselves we know that the team is, completely ethically, working towards finding both prescription and non-pharmacological (what you don’t know can’t hurt you) treatments for pain alleviation. Whoever said you don’t get what you want if you make a fuss?

by Roland Singer-Kingsmith

Blues 3 – 1 Bedfordshire  On a blustery day against a relegated (and rough) opposition the Blues provided an object lesson in how to win despite never performing at their best. An early Niko de Walden tap-in after good work from the ever-willing Alex Toogood seemed to have set the Blues up for a comfortable afternoon against a Bedfordshire side who had been relegated the previous week. However, a combination of the physical approach of the opposition, and the lack of controlled passing exhibited by the Blues meant that the first half was something of a struggle, with the only real chances arising from set pieces. Bedfordshire even managed to regain parity when, on the stroke of half time, a series of Oxford errors presented Bedford’s least mobile striker with the chance to toe-poke home. A thoughful and, at times, inspirational team-talk from coach Martin Keown seemed to do the trick as the Blues dominated the second half. Toogood made the most of the new interpretation of the offside law as he raced through on goal and finished with typical aplomb. The game was then over as a contest just after the hour mark, as a brilliantly mis-hit Toogood shot fell at the feet of Homer Sullivan at the back post, who calmly put his foot on the ball before passing it into the net. Bedfordshire were largely restricted to pumping balls into the box from deep positions with increasing desperation as the game wore on. High, looping balls are food and drink to the colossal Toby Hodgson and imperious Paul Rainford. In fact, they only managed one threatening shot on target in the last half hour, which Nik Baker stretched low to his left to repel. The Blues will be delighted with the defensive performance and with the ease with which they scored goals, but less than satisifed with their work when in possession of the ball. However, the result was the all-important thing, and sets up a mouth-watering title decider on Friday against top-of-the-table Worcester.by Nik Baker

This Week: A Computer Science paper by linguist Patrick Howard
 Define the term 'injection' (also known as one-one function) This term, together with its decidedly euphemistic alternative name, surely connotes the penetrative aspect of copulation, and more besides. It represents an act of domination, the clear expression of power by one individual over his (such an assumption is not without physiological evidence) sexual partner, not only in the sense of penetration but also in the sense of pollination. One is compelled to think of 18th century libertinism in the image it adopts to convey the nuances of this sexual act, yet one must bear in mind the consequences such euphemisms have for the creation of literalist language. 

Chris Walla: Field Manual (Barsuk)Great things are expected from bands who explore new music, and Death Cab For Cutie certainly are such a band. It makes no sense then, whilst the band are currently enjoying such a good streak, that guitarist Chris Walla would wish to produce his second Solo album, Field Manual. Nevertheless, what is done cannot be undone. Oh how we wish it could be. The first thing that springs to mind is that there is clearly an identity crisis here. The opening song, ‘Two Fifty’, is decidedly headed towards the direction of an Arcade Fire/Imogen Heap epic. The problem is, there’s simply not enough epic-ness about it. A few vocalists slung together and an unimpressive repertoire of simple drums and guitar chords produce what is consequently a very dull opening to a fairly average album. A dramatic change in pace on the second track, ‘The Score’, promises an album that may actually be worth listening to after all. But by the time ‘Sing Again’ comes around and we are hit with a decidedly James Blunt-ish sound, it is relatively safe to say that all promise is lost. The rest of the album, with full compliment to Walla, isn’t too bad. There’s some good ideas, although these normally come too far between annoyingly repetitive sequences. Whilst the lyrics aren’t great, they are passable. Most are consolatory rather than uplifting, but when Walla croons: ‘We need everybody onboard’, in ‘Everybody On’, you do have something of an urge to follow his command. There is, however, a problem with the vocals, which unfortunately ruins the album. Walla sings each song in exactly the same way, with the melody hardly apparent. Although this works for one or two of the tracks (namely ‘Geometry &C’), most of the tracks are stolen of all their originality the moment Walla opens his mouth. This is a shame, as the album had potential, but in the end, it doesn’t go anywhere. by Dan CryfieldThe Mars Volta: The Bedlam in Goliath (Universal Motown Records)At the risk of offending the Pope, the occult and good music seem to go well together – Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and, um, Marilyn Manson. Moving on from overly made-up goths, The Mars Volta are the latest to dabble in a bit of black magic. While on tour in Jerusalem, guitarist Omar Rodríguez-López bought a ouija board which quickly caught on with the band. After being blamed for a string of unfortunate events, the board was buried in the desert. The album’s lyrics have been heavily influenced by this jaunt into the supernatural and as a results are as cryptic as hell. Thankfully, they’re aren’t overbearing, just in case you prefer your music without B-movie plots. The Mars Volta have never been known for their accessibility. In tune with the prog-rock traditions of concept albums, long track times and complex melodies, they’re not exactly easy listening. The solos on The Bedlam in Goliath are as wanky as ever but, crucially, they have the hooks that keep the listener interested. Opening track ‘Aberinkula’ bursts in with falsetto vocals and crashing drums before settling into a tense groove. It’s as if you’ve started listening to the album half way through, and it’s damn good. No song sits still for more than about thirty seconds. You’re bounced from one genre to another, over changing rhythms and time signatures, aided by the twisted and deformed vocals of Cedric Bixler-Zavala. The first single, ‘Wax Simulacra’, provides an easy way into the album but can give only a tiny taster of what lies ahead. ‘Goliath’ stands out for its hard-rock breakdown and explosive finale, somehow managing to slip smoothly into the down tempo ‘Tourniquet Man’. There’s hardly a single boundary that hasn’t been pushed, but the album remains cohesive and, most importantly, enjoyable.by Thomas Barrett

 Queen's 1 – 1 St Edmund Hall (St Edmund Hall won 4-2 on penalties)You could have been forgiven for dealing in clichés when describing this match, for it really did have all the ingredients for the perfect cup tie. Queen’s went into the game the worst placed first team in college football, having only picked up one point from their nine outings, while Teddy Hall were in pole position to chase Premier League glory. The sides’ divergent league positions, combined with their old rivalry and the blustery conditions meant you always felt a great quarter final was in store. The home side, bolstered by the introduction of university players, James Kelly, Paul Gorrie and Si Lennox, made the stronger start and created a couple of opportunities – industrious right winger Ronan Ferguson was unlucky not to get away a clear shot when one of those chances came his way. Ferguson’s work levels typified those of the whole Queen’s midfield who dedicated all their energy to closing down their opponents and disrupting the usually effective Teddy Hall passing game. With their creative players just not being allowed the time to perform, the Hall quickly resorted to pumping up long balls in the direction of lanky striker Will Frost. Yet with Gorrie and captain Max Olds proving imperious in the air for Queen’s that tactic saw little reward and ultimately the favourites didn’t create any opportunities before the interval. In contrast, the home side began to exert ever more pressure as the first half went on with striker Chris Harrison forcing Hall keeper Nick Ielpo into a good save from a hooked volley shortly before a piledriver from midfielder Si Lennox only just missed the target. As the Queen’s pressure grew, the visitors got increasingly frustrated and showed signs of indiscipline with some dreadful tackling. With both right-back Tom Joy and central midfielder (and Blue) James Kelly providing excellent dead ball delivery you always sensed Hall petulance would cost them, and so it proved. Firstly tricky Queen’s winger Alex Edmiston was hacked down and Kelly curled the resulting free kick just over and then an absolutely shocking tackle on Kelly by Tom Theodore saw another set piece cause confusion in the Teddy Hall box. With half time approaching it would prove to be third time lucky for Queen’s when yet another foul on Kelly resulted in a free kick which was athletically hooked into the net by centre-back Paul Gorrie. The home side fully deserved their lead at the interval. After what had been a close fought and fairly scrappy first half it was perhaps inevitable that the second period would be more open as the relentless pace of the game began to take its toll on the players’ legs. It was Hall who seemed to show the better fitness however with powerful midfielder Tom Theodore blasting a couple of efforts from long distance before his delicate chip was headed towards the top corner by Charlie Talbot-Smith forcing Queen’s keeper Paul Billingham into a stunning save as he tipped the ball onto the bar. Their keeper’s heroics seemed to spur Queen’s into action with first Tom Joy’s and then substitute Will Riley’s though balls troubling the Teddy Hall defence as Jon Dowle, another second half substitute, really put himself about up front. Yet despite that mini-resurgence the home team lacked the control they had shown in the first forty-five, no doubt the loss of playmaker James Kelly to injury was crucial in this regard. As Hall continued to press, a cross by Casper Lefanu was clattered onto the crossbar by Will Frost before the Hall striker atoned for that miss by curling a free kick round the wall past despairing keeper Billingham to level the scores. That equaliser came right at the end of the second half but Queen’s still managed to carve out one more chance, Jon Dowle went through on the keeper but Ielpo demonstrated why he is pushing for a Blues place with a top save. With the light closing in the referee decided that the game should go straight to penalties. Si Lennox and Paul Gorrie responded to Tom Theodore and Will Frost’s efforts to make it 2-2 after the opening exchanges. Hall Captain John Waldron then put his side ahead before his opposite number Max Olds saw his effort saved by Ielpo, although there was some suspicion that the keeper was off his line. A superb reaction save from Billingham in the Queen’s goal gave the home side hope but when Will Riley failed to convert and Ed Norse put his effort away the tie was decided. The result was harsh on the home side who battled well to defy their league form and push their old rivals close. Their unwavering work rate deserved the reward of a semi-final place but ultimately it was a cruel defeat on penalties for the people’s victors.
by John Citron

A classic Spanish text with an East Enders plot? Surely not! When I went to see House of Bernada Alba, Federico Garcia Lorca’s last play, I feared it might be dull. But this was not the case – the lively production owes much to the translator of the Spanish play, Oxford student Sophie Ivatts, who seeks to undo previous preconceptions of the play as gloomy and dull.
Departing somewhat from the original text, Ivatts hopes to make the dangers of an insular society and tyrannical force relevant to contemporary audiences. The plot could almost be out of Eastenders – family feuds, love affairs, jealousy and tragedy – yet the complexity of human nature is also depicted.
Set in a remote village  of  Andalucia during the 1930s, the tyrannical Bernarda Alba imposes an eight-year sentence of mourning upon her five daughters following her husband’s death. But eldest daughter Augustius has inherited her father’s fortune, and thus attracts the attention of Pepe el Romano. However the youngest daughter Adela is secretly sleeping with Pepe, and is desperate to escape the oppressive force of her mother. The play centres around an exploration of sibling rivalry and the tragic consequences of family discord.
The ambitious set design is based on a monastic cloister, which reflects the oppressive atmosphere in which the Bernarda daughters live, locked away from the outside world. Maria Josefa, Bernarda’s mother, is reminiscent of the madwoman in the attic. The image of Bernarda’s daughters standing around their grandmother, they in black, she in white, conveys the feeling that they are very much trapped.
Strong performances from the five daughters ensure that the family tensions beyond the spoken lines are well demonstrated. Both Ellen Buddle (Bernarda Alba) and Julia Effertz (Maria Josefa) give excellent performances, although both face the difficulty of portraying a character older than themselves. More work on posture and movement would have been beneficial. The vibrant performances of Lakshmi Krishnan and Kristina Kempster as servants allow us insight into the thoughts and emotions of Bernarda Alba’s servants, poised on the edge of the regime.
The performance is strong, but I wonder whether the audience will come away with the sense of hope and female empowerment which Sophie Ivatts intends. Even using her own interpretation of the original script, she is confined to Lorca’s story, which seems inescapably tragic.
By Emily Damesick