Monday 21st July 2025
Blog Page 448

Imperfect Nostalgia, Imagined Perfection

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As a small child, it didn’t occur to me that the porcelain Mao Zedong bust in my grandparents’ living room was, to put it lightly, weird; I simply accepted it as part of the anachronism that permeated their obscure town in northwestern China. Growing up among the hypermodern landscape of 2000’s Beijing, the overt commemoration of the earliest generation of Communist Party rule was a rare sight, and in between school and home, my life was routinely naïve and late-stage-capitalist. On the other hand, from following instructions to tie a red scarf around my neck in Grade 1 to dimly swearing the Young Pioneers’ oath, I acquired a distinctly childish yet strangely self-contained political awareness. What I grasped from the assemblies, textbooks, and documentaries about martyrs was a strange contrast: that expressions like my grandparents’ bust were a little outdated and provincial, yet resoundingly correct. The central contradiction here, of course, is that the famines and intergenerational trauma that ripped gaping wounds in my grandparents’ lives were made by the bust’s very likeness.

Adolescence arrived and I began to read resentment from the lips of my parents’ generation, those late eighties’ students whose anger bled out on city squares in front of Western cameras. The country of their birth became a contradictory place for them after those days, and when they sat me down one night to tell me we’re moving away, in a sense I wasn’t surprised. Faced with curious Canadian classmates as the new kid, I realized that it was impossible to translate my subconsciously politicized childhood into English. More fundamentally, I couldn’t interpret it myself: how can a belief be both irrational and reaffirmed by its own surroundings? Why do people cling to the past as if it heals?

In more recent months, insulated from the past through time and geography, I’ve found some space for looking back, and have been attempting to frame memories of the bust and its associated emotional politics as a kind of nostalgia. Accessible and legible, nostalgia is nevertheless a value judgement posing as non-fiction.

Theorists of cultural studies are overwhelmingly negative towards nostalgia for this reason: Fredric Jameson’s critique of ‘nostalgia film’ centres on its reduction of historical consciousness into consumerist objectification. In her classic investigation of myth and memory, the late scholar Svetlana Boym defined nostalgia pointedly as ‘a longing for a home that no longer exists or has never existed’: it is thoroughly fiction, a ‘romance with one’s own fantasy’ that demands no factual basis from the narrative it yearns to reinforce. Of course, the fictitious nature of nostalgia does not make it any less powerful, and to identify that is not to exonerate its emboldening of ignorance and colonialism. Indeed, it is imperative that we recognize the danger and damage of nostalgic belief. The Confederate statues that dot the American South are embodiments of a certain group’s shared memory under nostalgia’s distortion: fuelled by the desire to give the mythological ‘Lost Cause’ permanence, they were not erected as monuments to the past, but rather as steps towards a ‘white supremacist future’. The old Confederate men in William Faulkner’s ‘A Rose for Emily’ remember the past with an almost religious conviction, as if recalling ‘a huge meadow which no winter ever quite touches’; in declaring that ‘Memory believes before knowing remembers,’ Faulkner underscores the critical relationship between recollections and belief. When nostalgia supersedes knowledge, its control over the mind imitates ideology more than it does history.

Boym looks to nostalgia’s ancient Greek roots to unpack its contradiction: nóstos (‘return home’) and álgos (‘longing’). The ‘longing’ in nostalgia unites us, but the respective ‘homes’ we identify are the ideologically charged part of nostalgia that interacts with the structures of power in our respective societies. If 43% of British people think positively of the Empire (according to one survey; the reproducibility of statistics like these are disputable and another article in itself), then one may reach the verdict that a significant portion of this country chooses imperial domination as the imaginary homeland of its longing. This conclusion’s sinister implications about the UK’s collective psyche certainly draw eyeballs but are after all a generalization: though the good ol’ days of conquest are subtly (and sometimes overtly) glorified in curricula and popular media, the realities of the British Empire, with its dangerous seafaring, opium monopolies, and crimes against entire peoples, probably do not inspire warm fuzzies in the hearts of average citizens. Nostalgia is not based on actual history but rather sourced from the imagination. In quietly longing for a feel-good version of the past, modern Britain is more likely to be nostalgic for the fiction of stable prosperity and superiority than the realities of imperialism itself. However, though the homeland of this longing rests more with the instability of the perceived present than with any historical reality, the effect is the same: in allowing the narrative of a whitewashed and comfortable collective longing to overpower challenging issues of oppression and complicity, nostalgia, when morphed into unexamined belief, conflates the imagination with reality and empowers increasingly polarizing ideology.

Nostalgia is not too bothered with accurate chronology or consistent temporality: as T. S. Eliot so aptly put in ‘Little Gidding’,

                        …, for history is a pattern

                        Of timeless moments. So, while the light fails

                        On a winter’s afternoon, in a secluded chapel

                        History is now and England.

‘Little Gidding’ recalls a 17th-century Anglican community in Huntingdonshire and conjures the biblical image of Pentecostal fire to reflect on redemption within time. While the exact spirituality of the poem may be less available to us as a general framework for understanding nostalgia, the focus on individual subjectivity in Eliot’s ‘secluded chapel’ does remind us of memory’s inherent humanity. Though removing fictions from history is past due, repeatedly centring the conversation on admonishing nostalgia can be condescending and self-defeating; at its worst, it becomes a caricature of academic snobbery. Nishant Shahani points out observantly that Jameson himself, in critiquing nostalgia, longs ironically for the ‘traditional subject’ of ‘real history’ within the postmodern literature he studies. There’s simply no point in pretending anyone can be somehow above nostalgia: the self-reflexive, storytelling impulse that compels us to make tales of our pasts is inescapable. The sense of control nostalgia gives us is central to comprehending ourselves: if we’re still able to reduce our pasts to digestible, rosy images, then our identities remain cohesive and functional. Moreover, nostalgia perceives its version of the past as irrecoverable, allowing us to covertly surrender some responsibility for our lives and lament losses we aren’t prepared to reclaim. To me, this interpretation came somewhat close to decoding my grandparents’ aberrant, embodied nostalgia of distortion: by packaging their trauma and complex histories into a comprehensible and socially acceptable expression of loyalty, they preserve themselves. In unconsciously repackaging memories into nostalgia, the reduction becomes a survival mechanism.

It does occur to me, however, that reading their actions in this way is somewhat patronising. It’s easily co-opted by that prejudiced generalisation of a brainwashed, monolithic PRC, where individuals must align their subjective experiences of the regime to one collective story of prosperity and success. Nostalgia will always express itself alongside a framework of power dynamics, and the kind of mental survival my grandparents’ attempt, especially considering the sheer physical and social distance between them and any political power, is of course most understandable when it’s read as submission. 

However, this remains a simplification, and the more we delve into nostalgia’s relationship with marginalization, the less logical the story becomes. One could, for example, draw a comparison with the rise of period pieces in LGBTQ cinema: from Pride’s setting of the miners’ strikes and The Favourite reimagining Queen Anne’s court, to Moonlight’s portrayal of eighties Miami and popular biopics such as The Imitation Game and Milk, top-grossing queer films of the last decade have been looking further back than ever. Reflecting on ‘gay cinema and nostalgia’, film critic Ben Walters argues that this newborn interest in documentation is a response to the community’s general shift towards legal and social assimilation as well as commercialization; many self-identified queer people are experiencing more affirmation, but lack real-life intergenerational connections in the community. In other words, the contemporary queer experience is hungry for heritage. The framework of power gives us one side of the story: that of a community until recently denied basic dignity by much of society, asserting nostalgia as a form of resistance. Oppression deprives the marginalized ‘other’ of the right to memory: the erasure (and minor regional revivals) of indigenous-language place names in North America serve as clear examples of the omnipresent violence in the battle for nostalgia. This appetite for a collective past is a logical step for a community whose opponents cite the apparent fictitiousness of their identities to this day: when many in mainstream society still label their genders as ‘made-up’ and their sexualities as ‘phases’, pieces of historical evidence act as sources of validation.

Nostalgia, however, is not the truth. It performs truthfulness very well, but in its process of placing judgement tends to disguise the actual truth. Media scholars have recognized a trend of ‘fetishizing’ the pre-Stonewall era in LGBTQ cinema, and some argue that queer period films, in trying to walk that fine line between normativity and radicalism, succeed more in uplifting the contemporary audience than in achieving any new artistic or political ground. The past, additionally, is a safer place than the present. According to Walters, in searching the archives for inspiration queer filmmakers may be avoiding far more contentious contemporary issues such as the experiences of trans youth and sex workers. The newfound creative space of nostalgia, for a community, slowly acquiring a place in the spotlights, is both a blessing and a curse: if the right to collective memories, however fictional they are, is a fundamental part of equality and resistance, then does that imply a moral responsibility intrinsically attached to accessing, representing, and curating these memories? Are the works of historians necessarily an activist one, and might that place an undue onus on the discipline? The nostalgias that have existed before have been nationalistic, colonial, culpable; is the new generation now burdened with cleansing nostalgia of its sins, or should we discard nostalgia as a creative and academic medium altogether?

The Twitter account @sapphobot tweets snippets of Sappho every two hours, and its most-retweeted one (by a wide margin) goes:

                                       someone will remember us

                                                    I say

                                                    even in another time

I suspect the universal appeal to nostalgia is the main reason this particular Greek fragment resonates so strongly. Whether as a symbol of ancient queer femininity or a more general allure, the romantic imagination we attribute to Sappho of Lesbos stems from a desire to give the past some collective narrative that reaffirms our present. To put simply, if history isn’t a bangin’ good story, then we would have a far less natural interest in it. Gilad Padva, in his Queer Nostalgia in Cinema and Pop Culture, defends nostalgia as a critical mean through which community itself is created: if critics demonize nostalgia and place it in a dichotomy against the ostensibly more ‘rational’ subject of history, then they must contend with the fact that it is the nostalgia that constitutes much heritage and folklore, in this particular case its irreplaceable role in the genesis of transgressive LGBTQ counterculture. Without making the past into a story worth recalling and reminiscing, personhood itself, especially our acquired means of interpersonal connection and belonging, comes under threat. But one still has to reckon with the question: what does it mean to live meaningfully, aware that the personal narrative on which your identity is based is largely constructed? None of the above theories, sadly, can fully parse the Mao bust for me. I found some satisfaction in analyses of conformity to power, but subversions and complications within socio-political frameworks made it clear that nostalgia isn’t only a model of systemic oppression. It is instead something of a conundrum: the intrinsic humanity of it makes it both universal and exclusionary, almost as if it is merely a reflection of our conflicting, irreconcilable desires. Nostalgia doesn’t describe what was; instead, for better or worse, it immerses the past with our presentist, unstable longings.

In the seventeenth century, Swiss doctors believed that nostalgia is a disease curable with opium and a trip to the Alps. Today we’re no longer so averse to the rosy lens of looking backwards, but everywhere there’s evidence of blind acceptance towards nostalgia and refusal to candidly confront its aftermath. The entry point to a new model of nostalgia, therefore, is honesty towards our individual and collective desires: I will never fully understand my grandparents’ psyche because we are, ultimately, such different people, but I’d imagine that the snow-white bust above their TV personifies some posttraumatic resolution they so wanted and are still in search of.

Oxford’s electric bus plan may be scuppered by costs

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Oxford has bid to become Britain’s first all-electric bus city. However, the plan may be scuppered by costs, says the Council.

In February, Oxford City Council announced its intent to apply for funding to upgrade or replace all the buses run by Stagecoach and the Oxford Bus Company. The Council agreed to submit their bid, called an “Expression of Interest”, at a virtual cabinet meeting on 26 May.

The Department of Transport (DfT) funding would make the city the first to have all buses powered by electricity.

However, in a statement read by the Council’s Cabinet Member for Environment, Yvonne Constance, it was revealed that the combined bid for the two operators would exceed the £50 million offered by the government.

Business modelling showed a shortfall of £6.3 million that would influence “the potential success of the bid” if unable to be resolved.

The statement continued: “Officers are working closely with the bus operators to address this as quickly as possible, although it may be after the deadline for the submission of the Expression of Interest on June 4.

“While we believe there may be a positive solution in time for submission […] should affordability become an issue as the business case develops requiring us to withdraw the Expression of Interest then the cabinet will receive a further report at that time.

“For now however we remain hopeful of a positive resolution and are working hard alongside the operators to that end.”

An expression of interest for the bid is expected to be submitted at the beginning of June.

The Council also agreed to bid for £20 million from the DfT to support on-demand bus services in rural and suburban areas. Both funds are part of the government’s £220 million package ‘Better Deal for Bus Users’.

The bid comes despite the termination of the on-demand Pick Me Up bus service in June. Ms Constance said that “the Pick Me Up service has caught two blows”, referring to the combined effect of congestion in central Oxford and the impact of the coronavirus on passenger numbers.

Image credit to Arriva436/ Wikimedia Commons.

Oxford SU petitions University to defer postgrad continuation fees

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The Oxford Student Union (SU) has launched a petition calling on the University to defer all payment of graduate continuation fees until its reopening. This follows Student Council passing a motion to defer continuation fees in its 5th week meeting.

The petition calls on the University’s leadership to: 

“1) defer all payment of continuation fees until the university reopens, 

2) publicise a clearer appeals process for those who feel that they are not sufficiently covered by current exemptions for coronavirus and 

3) state in all communications to students what hardship funds will be made available to those who are unable to pay fees now or in the future.”

Following completion of the standard length of their courses (for DPhil students, this is usually after their 10th term), graduate students are required to pay a termly continuation fee. For the academic year 2019/20, this fee is £488, and for the year 2020/21, it is £508. Most colleges also charge a continuation fee which is usually around £120 per term, with the exception of All Souls, Merton, New College, Nuffield, and Wadham, which do not charge college fees.

Neil Misra, Oxford SU Vice President Graduates told Cherwell he devised the petition with the MPLS [Mathematical, Physical and Life Sciences Division] divisional representative after the University failed to explicitly commit to waiving the continuation fee in spite of Misra having confronted the University’s leadership multiple times. The petition currently has over 100 signatures from members of the student body.

Misra told Cherwell: “The pandemic and lockdown have hit our DPhil students hard. Labs are shut, archives are largely inaccessible, and fieldwork is virtually impossible to conduct. Many are facing serious financial distress. A great number of PGRs will require substantial extensions to finish their degree. In spite of these significant hardships, the university continues to charge its continuation fee. 

“It is absurd that the university would continue to levy the continuation fee while many PGR students face deep uncertainties regarding their funding and personal finances. If the university is serious about supporting its postgraduate researchers through these immensely difficult times, it will give serious consideration to the policy of instituting a temporary freeze on the continuation fee.”

A spokesperson for the University confirmed: “In line with University’s general policy on fees, students are liable for the continuation charge in Trinity term.”

Regarding arrangements beyond Trinity term, the spokesperson told Cherwell: “There is a complex set of issues to work through relating to funding and continuation charges, which requires agreement with colleges and external funders before further announcements can be made. We are investigating all options for those students most affected and will be in a position to make an announcement in the near future about the level of support the University will provide.”

Image credit to Michael D Beckwith/ Wikimedia Commons.

Returning to my favourite play: Dancing at Lughnasa

If we’re not watching Saoirse Ronan star in her latest feature film, we’re quoting Derry Girls from memory or fetishing Connell’s chain and fan-girling over Marian’s fringe from Normal People. While a whimsical notion of Ireland is well established, we are currently in the throes of an especially hibernophilic obsession and though I’m loathe to be one of those nauseating Brits who dig out their long lost ‘Mc’s and ‘O’s in a bid to convince others of their Gaelic roots, a ‘plastic paddy’ as they are disapprovingly branded, I can’t help but share the fascination for all things Irish. Under the spell of this romance with the Emerald Isle and taking no risks with this unusual spell of genial weather, I reached for one of my all-time favourite plays, Dancing at Lughnasa, and headed for the garden.

Brian Friel’s underappreciated treasure is a memory play narrated by the Michael who is reminiscing about his childhood summer of 1936 in County Donegal – incidentally the home of my great-grandparents (sorry – couldn’t resist.) The play focuses on the five Mundy sisters: Chris, Michael’s mother, and Maggie, Agnes, Rose and Kate, his aunts, who have welcomed home their older brother Jack, who has returned to Ballybeg (a fictional town where Friel set many of his plays) from 25 years as a missionary in Africa and is dying of malaria. The play takes place around the festival of Lughnasa, the Celtic harvest festival.

It is one of those rare plays which is as much a joy to read as it is to watch thanks to Friel’s elaborate stage directions and description; his effortlessly authentic and entertaining dialogue and the retrospective narration of Michael which gives the play a quasi-novelistic feel at times. Friel’s wit is awesome: when Uncle Jack calls Maggie “Okawa”, she asks her sisters what it means and is disappointed to find it was the name of his house boy in Uganda: “Dammit” she says, “I thought it was Swahili for gorgeous.” And then there’s the fact that though it is August and she is inside, Rose is always in Wellies and retorts, when her sister asks if her footwear is quite necessary: “I’ve only my wellingtons and my Sunday shoes, Kate. And it’s not Sunday, is it?”

The Mundy sisters, who are all unmarried, exist in a bubble: matriarchal, rustic and cloistered – their sisterhood is the linchpin of the play: a bastion of Michael’s childhood. Despite this, the outside world and modernity are increasingly permeating this bubble: Michael tells us that he always linked the return of Jack from Africa with the arrival of the wireless while Kate excitedly recounts the return of Bernie O’Donnell who is home after 20 years in London. She is now a novelty and an exotic fantasy, “dressed to kill from head to foot. And the hair! – as black and as curly as the day she left!” It reminds me of when James’ mother, Cathy, returns to Derry in Derry Girls having left for London fifteen years before and Aunt Sarah, who waxes lyrical about her having “the best eyebrows in Derry”, is impressed to see she has “kept them eyebrows ship shape.” Bernie O’ Donnell’s twins are, to the Mundy’s amazement, ‘pure blonde’ because their father is from Stockholm (a city of which Rosie is unfamiliar) whilst Michael’s father Gerry is off to fight in the Spanish Civil War. It is the industrial revolution, a threat to the Mundy cottage industry, which is the eventual catalyst for the breakdown of the sisterhood.

There is something electric about the febrility of dwindling summer and Friel capitalises on this in the pagan imagery surrounding Lughnasa. It is another influence which permeates the traditional, Christian Irish Mundy bubble but it is an influence which drifts up from Ireland’s ancient mythical past and from the African spirituality Jack has brought with him, in direct contrast to the waves of modernity which are emitted from the wireless. It is with awesome irony therefore that Friel begins the play with Michael telling the audience that Maggie wanted to call the new wireless ‘Lugh’ after the old Celtic god but was forbidden to do so by pious Kate who felt this would be unchristian. In a striking moment of semi-delirium, the sisters dance together around the wireless, like “frantic dervishes”, but when this spell of “near hysteria” wanes, they are flooded by sheepish embarrassment. It is a parallel to proper Kate quashing their clamours to attend the pagan festival – “I’m only thirty-five. I want to dance” pleads Agnes. They are both moments of ‘dancing at Lughnasa’: ritual before the alien wireless, a technology they recognise has the strange magic of a god, and the familiar yet foreign figure of Ireland’s pagan past in the form of the harvest god. These moments creates a sense of worship, of awe, before the past and the future.

Returning to the play, I realised my mistake: that of seeing the play as quaint and rosy – a tender depiction of rural Irish life. Michael, as an adult narrator, makes the same mistake, acknowledging that his memory of that summer is ‘nostalgic with the music of the thirties.’ Don’t expect unadulterated cosiness, a warm glowing hibernophilic gratification – this is a play with a dark heart: of deceit, of hardship and of loss.

Friday Favourite: David Harsent

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There is something about poetry that makes it more potent than fiction in times of need. With its raw, brash and yet strangely beautiful depiction of the darkest parts of humanity, the work of award-winning English poet David Harsent is the perfect example. Though often put on an inaccessibly lofty plane, Harsent showcases the gritty, emotional realism poetry can depict, and though sometimes apocalyptically bleak, his works remind us how alive we still are in times of crisis. 

There was admittedly no crisis when I first read my favourite of Harsent’s extensive works, his 2011 collection, Night. It came out of an ordinary Google search when I spotted his name in a book review, and I was expecting just to scan a poem or two before forgetting about the whole thing. Instead what I found was, in an ironic cliché, like nothing I had ever read before. It was instantly unforgettable. 

As soon as you open Night, there is a sense of trepidation, of letting yourself into something with an intensity beyond the everyday. For someone not used to casually picking up poetry collections, I was surprised by its accessibility, the immediacy with which the language captured my focus. The tension is palpable: in the final lines of the unnamed introduction, Harsent warns the reader that “there’s a smell of scorch in the air. And the time to be gone has gone.” The night is upon us, and there is no turning back. 

This onset of darkness sets the tone for the whole collection, opening up a world of depravity and intense feeling that can, as the titular poem suggests, ‘only occur at night’. From the opening poems, “Rota Fortunae”, and “Ghosts”, death, life, grief and sin are splayed across the pages in ‘black and white’; the following series of exquisite “Garden” poems capture a scene at varying times of night, intensifying this strangely raw atmosphere, dreamlike and yet wholly nightmarish. Harsent packs the collection with a myriad of rich cultural allusions, and yet it doesn’t feel vital to understand them. The many reoccurring motifs – night, dreams, gardens, the open road – guide us instead, weaving together a world in which these disturbing sensations can emerge from the darkness.

Yet despite the ‘hum in the air’ as the collection powers on, buzzing in adrenaline in “The Duffel Bag”, murderously dark in “The Death of Cain’” its merit does not come from mere shock factor. Beneath the visceral imagery (Harsent’s successful career in crime fiction is unsurprising), and behind the pulsing heartbeat of masterful rhymes and tumbling rhythms, at core, Harsent displays a sharp perception of emotion. 

Poems such as “Scene One: A Beach” provide these profound moments in their slower pace and stillness: the first three stanzas, though possessing their own internal motion – ‘the subtle traction of a rising tide’ – are hauntingly meditative. We ‘begin in silence, the sea drawn back/ to a distant smudge beneath a fading moon,’ moving through a landscape of ‘dust’ where we hear a voice declare, ‘your starting point is grief; you must/ get used to this’. It feels an especially poignant notion in our current times, navigating a world where, as Harsent puts it, ‘everything I once recognised as mine/ is strange to me now’. 

The final poems, “Night” and the sixteen-page “Elsewhere”, give little closure in their winding cyclical nature, but the open-ended journey is oddly comforting. Harsent’s poetic ‘wilderness’ reflects many of the longings and uncertainties of our own lives, yet seems driven by the bitter inevitability of human survival, ‘whatever the truth of it is’. His work is surprisingly not auto-biographical, instead filled with ‘little fictions’, but this is perhaps what gives it more universal understanding. Though in recent years, Harsent has begun to read his poems aloud, I feel his previous decisions to refrain were sensible: the shock, the stillness, the vivid beauty of his words are at their best and most blinding in print. There, we cannot avoid that brutal confrontation with our own condition. It may not always be pleasant, but I can never tear myself away from the explosive intensity of Night. The words seem to read themselves countless times over, always as potent as when I first encountered them. Harsent’s extensive works contain countless other gems, but it is this collection that first showed me the force of his style and skill, and the value of a living poetic voice. His expert choice of language, his genius for rhyme, creates something fantastically immersive, and I think it is this sheer vitality that resonates so acutely with me today.

Hard Pressed

I stumble upon some unlikely, perennial blossoms
amongst the weeds of my
walk.

Because I love pressing
flowers, and I love to have pressed flowers, I bent
low
to the ground in search of choice
blooms.

I find myself reaching
for the best ones,
the most perfect buds,
bright and breathing.

This instinct for careful discernment is odd. Why do I need to pick
those flowers that are screaming, “I am alive!” to kill
between
the pages of a heavy book?

I pause.

The question confounds me but I go on reaching for those
stems with the most whole offerings.

The truth is, I like to watch the flowers die;
to see them fade and
to myself be the cause of their deterioration.

But it is equally true that I feel the keenest pleasure,
relief almost,
when I notice how much my
pressed flowers
retain their pigmentation, hold fiercely onto their color.

I bury
these blooms in dust and paper,
with all the zeal of one holding a lump of coal, trying to make a diamond through squeezing and strife, only to then
pluck them out
from between the pages of the book, and marvel that they are vibrant matter still.

Changed, but still lovely, despite all my efforts.

Movement

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The energy in the trees was palpable-
at once pulsating and swirling

I parked my bike.
I felt compelled to allow myself
the pleasure of being its witness.

No. Watching wasn’t enough
I wanted to be it- be them- I was jealous of their artistic freedom to sway and flutter
and cough their leaves up and out
Over the heads of mortals as I

Inexplicably I began to sway.
Their breaths were louder than mine,
were deeper and went through me
But I mattered and so I too deepened my breath but they didn’t care.

I shouted and screamed and their lack of judgement
was almost touching- they were blind
to my dancing and now frenzied jumping

Even when I took my shoes off
there were no whispers, only magic between the trees themselves.

My toes furled and spread, rooting me-
My arms spanning, my fingers twigs
Perhaps my fingernails then could be leaves
or better still my hair that disobeyed
me could be my fruit, my orange flower. What

would be my eyes?
No one saw me but them- even still
They had no opinion.
I could tell them anything, be anything before them,
I could hurl abuse at them, fucks and shits, but my voice doesn’t matter and the trees still sway

as one but not, somehow.

Conversations with my Lover

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Sometimes my lover talks sickly sweet
Of words a custard coating –
a yellow, sunshine cream.

They are thick dollops of cloud,
sweetened milk, soft smell of baby heads.
The fat little curves of cats’ bellies,
and stiff white peaks of egg.
Spooned with a clank of best silver cutlery
into tiny little dishes.

He speaks like whipped cream jammed straight out the can
with fizzy out-of-season strawberries,
and that mushy musty kind of smell; like the inside of a cupboard.
those red fleshy berries seem punctuated with pretty pink and soft
or maybe taste like metal and aerosol.

He winds a cream to wrap around my eyes and bind my ears
that yellow skin, yes, he films and veils with sun skimmed surfaces,
with fogs of cottony candyfloss, chemical pink,
that tacky stick, strings of gunk that lace up my hair
and melt down filthy like slushy old snow.
Silky pink strands beaded with dark red shards.

His voice is bound together with cornflower,
emulsified eggs,
and lumps of watery hot chocolate powder,
the marshmallow all tangled and crusty.
We have big fat droplets of cloying conversations
with condensed milk trickles in my eyes and
the smell of old cream and sad milk in my hair.

His voice flickers and glimmers like
slimy silver fish skins’ scales.
This iridescence which glitters and flutters
Like we are inside a kaleidoscope, all the glowing dregs of colour scattered
and those glassy eyes roll up at the supermarket white lights gleaming
Reclining, sleek limpidity on ice chips,
Like origami only just uncrumpled with creases cut still.

He has glossy scales that spill purple red hot green guts –
this blood steams as it gushes, choking, splutters
and the smooth and the hot collide
in the slippery feel of my cheek on his back – sticky with sleep –
snuggly, snuggly intestines curling up against one another
like warm gummy worms, sugar dusted.
Squishy doughnuts and floppy flumps.

But then sometimes he talks thin and weak
and we have these crystal conversations,
with fine little granules dried out at the edges like fried snowflakes.
Like bowls of sugar left out in cafes to collect
Clumps of candied bunches that crumble, dry out in lumps
Cling together hopefully, hopelessly
Dusty white dandruff drifting listlessly into peaks.

When he talks like that he spreads
That thin whitish smear on iced buns, hesitantly pale,
sickly – translucent stains, a smudge of sweetness.
Like sugar that burns into blackened, smoking caramel,
He spins soft syrupy sculptures, that collapse and dissolve
and chases old sugar mice, blind and singing,
and our laced up bodies seem nothing more than confectionery.

Those conversations of sugar were swimming with water
bleeding out drippy icing, moulding white,
and leaking gluey jam.
They were sunken sponge cakes collapsed under frosting.
and the sucked in sore cheeks of a toffee.

Fleeting pleasure perhaps – yes, ok, let’s say that.
But even in our jammiest red heart of hearts, we knew;
all they left us with was numb gums and fillings,
too sweet a tooth
and empty bellies.

Image credit: Tiger500; image has been cropped

Personal History

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CW: sexual harassment

1.

AKTHAR: There was a contract between him and his class. Quite what the contract was or what it involved would be hard to say. But it was there.
                                                    — Alan Bennett, The History Boys

If you must go to Cuba, go with a toothache. Reclining under a ceiling fan in a dental clinic off some side street in Havana will situate you in a place far removed from its image. Here is where the Bay of Pigs and the spectre haunting Europe and the CIA assassination plots (and the poisoned scuba suit and the exploding cigar) and the revolution that happened as well as the one perpetually in motion are all momentarily relegated in significance. What begins to matter more are the quieter workings of the past. The literacy drives. The efforts towards social welfare. A national striving for dignity when dignity is denied by external forces that operate without it. You will get your broken crown fixed for nearly nothing, and you will leave understanding that history is not made of straight lines.

I learnt this when I was sixteen, in a classroom with windows that faced away from the sun and tables arranged in a horseshoe. There were other things I learnt that year, too.

I learnt that everybody in the world knew the limits of their understanding of mathematics and science, but most did not know what they did not about the past. I learnt that I was being trained in a delicate and arcane art, that I would live my life as a custodian of its secrets and that they in return would exempt me from a blindness to complexity that apparently afflicted all those who were not sitting in this classroom with windows facing away from the sun and tables arranged in a horseshoe. I learnt to look for holes in everything, and if I couldn’t find any, to make them, because a well-constructed challenge to an accepted interpretation would not just please an examiner, but would stand in its own right as something beautiful. Every argument had an architecture, and we were in the business of building cathedrals. I learnt to receive everything I read or heard with suspicion so as to better counter it — everything, that is, except all of the above.

I did not learn, until much later, about the small distance that exists between learning something and being taught it. I was never told about the many delusions and compunctions that this fissure is capable of holding.

In hindsight, I don’t think I learnt very much about history at all.

2.

“Shinto belief: division btwn real world of today and spirit world of past is a permeable gauze. Past is always superimposed onto present.”
—My notes from a lesson on nineteenth-century Japan

To understand why I would happily trade the clarity with which I remember all that I am about to tell you for a better ability to recall where I left my keys or for a few more memories from early childhood or, frankly, even for a biscuit, you have to understand how it all happened. You have to understand Michael.

I must admit that I am still yet to. In the years since, all of us who were taught by him have cautiously approached the problem amongst ourselves, and each time the conversation arrives at the same precipice. Here is what we know. We were anxious children who, for two years in a classroom that remained half-dark in the equatorial afternoon, had our nerve endings stitched back together. He made change and continuity, decline and reform, feel urgent and personal. It was demonstrated to us that everything had its cause, and everything had its future. We were encouraged to believe that, despite rejections from universities and acrimonious families and that constant grinding cycle of self-loathing and loathing others that lends the experience of adolescence its apocalyptic quality, so did we.

And in the end, everyone I have discussed the matter with concludes that a person so skilled in helping one understand remains himself beyond understanding. I myself have only fragments of evidence with which to approach even the edges of who he was.

He was the only teacher I ever saw cry. In the beginning, nobody participated in the class discussions he initiated because they often took imaginative detours from the syllabus and demanded a level of engagement that most of us found unnecessary for passing an exam. One day, after an invitation to talk about Che’s dress sense met another prolonged silence, he broke down. He told us that he had grown up poor. That what had rescued him from the ineluctable shape of his own life was the ability to care about art and literature and history. “You won’t get anywhere without it,” he said, welling up. “Passivity is not your friend. Trust me.”

“Ah, the speech, did he cry?” said a friend who was in the class he taught an hour before ours.

“Ah, the speech, did he cry?” said a girl from the year above when she heard people discussing the incident in the library.

I may have wondered for a second about the precision of the performance. But it was only for a second. I had been won over by the sight of an adult man crying. I had learnt to care.

There was enough reason to. “When the Fascist Italian government put the Communist theorist Antonio Gramsci on trial for writing subversive material, d’you know what the prosecutor said in his concluding remarks? We must find a way to stop this brain from working. You now need to knuckle down, to commit yourself to your craft in the same way, so that the examiner reading your essay will be forced to say the same thing about you.” This is what Michael told us after he marked our mock papers, and found them to be more than lacking. Michael had a special talent for making you feel human when the circumstances would not allow for it. Perhaps this was another warning.

“He’s so unprofessional,” complained Jake as we exited the classroom one day. Jake came from a fairly-large-c Conservative family and he had attempted to argue in line with his allegiances during a class discussion on the EU referendum before Michael summoned every major historical example of failed democracy to silence him. “I mean, this isn’t even history. It’s happening now. He had no right.”

We laughed it off because none of us were old enough to vote for anything, and had we been we most certainly wouldn’t have voted Leave.

“He’s kind of creepy, too. Have you noticed how all his favourites are girls?”

And we didn’t laugh this time but neither did we think too much of it because Jake was getting on everybody’s nerves by this point.

Michael thought I was clever, and he let me know this on occasion. He told me I saw things the same way as he did. I liked the beautiful parts of history — the geometry of Soviet propaganda, the way sentences fit together in Castro’s early speeches, the theatricality of the Tokugawa shogunate. I received an email from him the day he found out that I worshipped Bowie just as much as he had when he was my age. Knowing your love for Dave, I think you might enjoy this, it read, and contained links to songs by a band called The Tears. I think, on reflection, him believing I was clever was more a function of him being convinced that he was. I can listen to The Tears these days without being reminded of the email. I have learnt by now that it brings me no closer to understanding.

The last thing he ever taught us was a saying that he had discovered in his reading. It was the final class before we dispersed for study leave, and he was telling us what a pleasure we had been over the past two years. “In Ubuntu philosophy, they say that people are people through other people,” he said, looking over the tables arranged in a horseshoe. “I want to thank you all for making me feel like a person.” And for a moment I thought he was welling up again.

“I’m telling you, there’s something off about him,” said Jake later that day.

3.

“[O]ne of the most valuable things about history is that it teaches us how things do not happen.”
—Richard Hofstadter

He slipped through our lives, and we let him because we believed him to be a quantifiable presence. He listened and advised. He followed up the next day to check whether the advice had been taken, and if it hadn’t, he would listen all over again. He helped read over personal statements before they were submitted though it was not his responsibility to. I remember a comment that he made on a friend’s draft: “You’ve explained very well why you’d make an excellent candidate for this course in terms of your skill and extracurricular activities. But I think it might be worth mentioning something else — that you are an unusually kind individual.”

Michael believed firmly in kindness. It was presented to us as a kind of first principle in the study of the past, more important than economic factors or political shifts, and every twitch of history could ultimately be explained by its absence. He made this so obvious to us that it would only make sense that he himself was kind. I no longer think that history can be explained in terms of kindness. I did not know who Richard Hofstadter was then or what he had suggested fifty years prior, but I do now.

So here it is. Here is how we were taught that the things that we thought we understood did not happen.

The news came in slowly, then very quickly, and then stopped altogether. Kindness had been a front for deeper ambiguities, ones that nevertheless emerged as damning on paper. There had been instances of indiscretion. Testimonies of discomfort. Liberties taken. Jake, in short, was finally validated, although I think he had long stopped caring about what became of Michael. After he was let go and subsequently vanished, the rest of us tried to follow suit. It was the quick way of negotiating betrayal. Not thinking too much, consigning it to a lesson learnt.

You have to understand what it is you are learning though, and I don’t think anybody did. You want to understand how someone could be two people. Why you failed to recognise it at the time. How it was possible for you to have believed that the things you were being taught rescued you from a blindness to complexity, when in fact you were plainly blind to the convolutions of the person teaching them to you. I wish there was some way of locating a grander logic in the way things turned out, some way of extracting the general from the particular, of making social history out of the personal so as to distance myself from the specific discomforts of what happened. Something to do with personality or intent or to substantively prove that giving unhappy children a sense of worth will make them turn the other way when you need them to.

I have tried, and have found nothing. History is not made of straight lines.

You

0

The pain starts to burn before I realise that it is there at all. Opening my fist, I glance down to see four angry half-moons, indented on my palm. No matter how many times I go through this, I am always nervous just before I see you. I have managed to build up a tolerance for almost everything else, feeling a sense of indifference towards most things – grieving over friends and loved ones has developed into a habit, if not, almost a chore, and work has become a form of silent meditation. Very little can anger or frustrate or scare me. Sometimes I feel like an iceberg, a total zenith of peace and security, adrift in an ocean that is still and silent, except for a mild wind.

When I was young, I used to miss you. I used to spend days, weeks, decades weeping over you, visiting your many graves spread over many continents. I remember placing flowers in Tuscany, Adelaide, São Paulo, Bombay. I have lain upon the moist ground above your two unmarked graves and I have slept in the cool marble of your first mausoleum. Each time we meet, we fall back in love and we age together: sometimes we have children, sometimes we exist in a peaceful solitude. Until you die, and it all starts again. Each time I feel as if everything is ripped away from me; as if nothing matters anymore. Each time, I am stripped of all the wrinkles and scars that I gain while by your side, slowly returning to how I was when we first met, all those centuries ago.

Strangely, watching my white hairs turn black, and feeling my arthritis disappear always provokes a profound sense of melancholy within me. Regaining my youth only means losing you all over again. It is like rewriting my own personal history, as if all the experiences which we have shared are wiped clean – almost as if they had never existed at all. Witnessing myself age before returning to my late adolescence is rather distressing. I am constantly peering over a cliff, preparing to jump, before being ripped away. Starting a journey which I know I can never complete.

Slowly this deep, raw warmth returns to my cheeks. All these feelings are so foreign and yet I recognise them so well. My chest tightens and my mind races. I am overwhelmed by a kind of nervous excitement, as if the whole world has taken on a soft glow. Hazy and amaranthine. As I emerge, leaving behind this chrysalis of apathy, I feel the warmth of the sun’s fervid rays upon my skin. I become aware of the dew drops impearled on every leaf, and of the butterflies who hover about them like sleep-walkers. The sky seems to expand before me as if it were some kind of vast ocean. I am ready to find you again.

We were always destined to be with each other, but the constant waiting often makes me feel impatient and hopeless. While you have been reborn a total of thirteen times, I have lived through 1494 years, about five hundred of which I have spent alone. In that space of time, I have acclimatised to solitude, never allowing myself to form new friendships and relationships until I start my life with you once again, fearing that these additional bonds would just create additional complications. Five hundred years of immortality, I know now, is five hundred years of lassitude and boredom.

I can never really predict when you will come back. All I can do is regularly check my reflection, waiting to see the familiar eyes of that girl who turned nineteen over a millennia ago and who has returned to that same age a dozen times since. I never know what you would look like, how you would talk or even who you would truly be. Meeting you again is always like meeting a completely new person, raised in a different place, with a different language, with different customs. Yet, despite all these differences and this vast chasm of time which always exists between us, I can always tell that it is you.

I always get nervous as if it were the very first time.

As I await seeing you once again, I vividly recall being near you, lying on the moist grass of a nation whose borders have since been squeezed far tighter. The weight of your hand in mine as we gazed upwards, searching for meaning in a universe which seemed so great and impersonal. The porcelain serenity of the moon fixed in place alongside silky constellations, filling the vast forgetfulness of the sky. Yet, despite the intimidating emptiness of this expanse, you were able to translate the silence of the stars. Speaking in a language that is now long forgotten, you traced out the invisible bonds between each pinprick in the sky with your index finger and, in doing so, linked them to us. The warmth of your touch brought context to this dark immeasurable abyss. I could not have longed for anything more than to stay there, touched and touching you.

Yet, in these empty moments when I feel adrift in my self-imposed isolation, my sense of self has only strengthened. In the silent decades, between wars, between deaths and between loves, I have come to find a kind of bliss in my own company. I am always there, a universal constant. It may have taken well over a millennia, but I feel that I have come to appreciate myself in the way that only an immortal being truly can. While my eternal life used to feel like a burden, I have now lived long enough to realise my own joy.

I still feel this shaky impatience. My heart races as my eyes scan the street, hoping to sense you pass me by. We cannot be severed as we are one, and to lose you, when I am this close, is to lose myself. I miss you. I long for you. You may be different people from different generations, but your soul always remains the same. I wouldn’t wish you to be anything other than who you are. It hurts to know that you are so close by, and yet you are a stranger to me. I am on fire. I want you. Need you.

And then I see you. The sense of yearning remains, but all the tension inside of me evaporates. I can already feel your touch again.