Sunday 8th June 2025
Blog Page 59

EDI plan aims to increase proportion of BME professors from 8% to 9% by 2029

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Oxford University’s Joint Committee for Equality, Diversity, and Inclusion has published the first university-wide strategic plan to improve EDI. Titled “Everybody Belongs”, the plan includes increasing the proportion of BME Statutory Professors from the current 8% to 9% by 2029.

The foreword states that this plan marks “the first time we have articulated a strategic equality, diversity and inclusion vision for the collegiate University as a whole”. Previously EDI has been emphasised at college and department levels. 

The plan involves using task and finish groups to help achieve and report on the University’s EDI. It will see the creation of racial and religious inclusion task and finish groups to work alongside the pre-established LGBTQ+ group. The strategy also offers more support for student leadership, particularly JCR and MCR presidents.

Regarding student access, the University seeks to remove barriers to undergraduate and graduate access and see an increase in the proportion of entrants from the bottom two quartiles of the Multiple Deprivation Index to 23% by 2028.

The University aims to increase the proportion of Black students awarded a “good degree” to 94%. As of last year, 8% of Statutory Professors are BME, a number the University aims to increase to 9% by the 2028/2029 academic year. The plan also wishes to reduce the gap between BME and white staff reporting being bullied or harassed by 2027, and remove all statistically significant pay gaps between BME and white staff by 2028.

The plan seeks to increase the proportion of female Statutory Professors from 22% to 26% by 2027, and female central University committee members from 40% to 60% in the same timeframe. It also aims to reduce the gap between female staff with and without caring responsibilities who feel they are supported in their professional development, which saw a ten percentage gap last year.

With regard to LGBTQ+ representation, the University aims to bring the percentage of transgender and non-binary staff who agree with the statement “I feel able to be myself at work” up from 57% to be in line with the total staff average, which was 83%.

The plan also highlights the University’s belief in the importance of free speech to its EDI mission, stating the two go “hand in hand”. While the plan is university-wide, it also acknowledges the strengths of the collegiate system in achieving these goals, which allows colleges to “innovate and respond to particular contexts”.

ICC prosecutor speaks at Oxford amid alleged misconduct

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International Criminal Court (ICC) Prosecutor Karim Khan gave a speech at Trinity College titled “No One Above the Law” following arrest warrants for Hamas and Israeli leaders including Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. The event took place shortly after Khan announced that the ICC had opened an investigation on his alleged misconduct toward an aide. 

An anonymous source told The Guardian that Khan encouraged the aide to deny the sexual misconduct claims, but she has refused to make a statement while Khan continues to refute all allegations. 

Prior to the event, a poster was found outside Wadham College calling for Khan’s suspension from the ICC, repurposing the talk’s title “No One Above the Law” to point at his alleged misconduct. 

Trinity College representatives told Cherwell: “The college is aware of the allegations regarding the Prosecutor, who fully remains in his role at the ICC and has asked the ICC’s oversight mechanism to open an immediate independent investigation into the allegations made against him. It is important that we respect the integrity and confidentiality of any investigation and any process it puts in place, and not comment further while any investigation is ongoing.”

In May 2024, Khan issued arrest warrants for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Defense Minister Yoav Gallant, as well as senior Hamas leaders Yahya Sinwar, Mohammed Diab Ibrahim Al-Masri, and Ismail Haniyeh. The latter three defendants have since been killed by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF). 

At Trinity College’s event, Khan was interviewed by GCHQ Director of Legal Affairs and Mission Policy Chehzad Charania MBE. Khan discussed the institutional challenges faced by the ICC, the current case regarding violations in the Gaza strip, and the role of states in upholding international law. When asked whether he moved too rapidly or slowly in naming defendants regarding the Gaza case, he responded that they “moved at the speed of the evidence”, according to an attendee.

Attendees also told Cherwell that Khan discussed the threats of sanctions against him proposed by US Republican Senator Lindsay Graham, rhetorically asking: “If bullying works, would every court that stands firm be sanctioned?”

During the audience Q&A, one woman asked a question about the ongoing sexual misconduct investigation, to which the prosecutor responded that the appropriate procedure is being followed and that they had to “trust the process”.

Leave us alone, Donald

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Electing a President in the United States is a global event. Why, though, is it so important? In the US, this election will significantly impact rights for minorities, women, and speech. As for non-American Oxford students, a unique impact on their lives is not forthcoming (except more Union debates about Trump). Our cushy accommodations, overflowing libraries and stained-glass windows have seen worse through the ages. But, is there anything else we should fear?

I believe there is. Trump’s record as a famous billionaire, political candidate and president is one of racism, misogyny, disdain for international norms and the rule of law, and self-interest. Having been decisively elected by the American people, the United States’ allies and adversaries must realise the rulebook that guided the world for decades is finally out the window.

Without international norms, what we are left with is power. It may, arguably, restrain America’s adversaries. Its allies can expect different effects. For instance, Trump may hold Britain to certain standards about China or about increasing its defence spending, which we can argue is not in Britain’s interest, and threaten it with some sanctions. But, would he also insist Britain protect migrants’ rights or help it in stopping far-right propaganda and disinformation? In other words, would he defend democratic ideals in the United States and beyond? 

Surely not. Trump and his allies recklessly spread disinformation with deadly consequences. His presidency is likely to play out in an incoherent and erratic manner across all areas of life and politics. While this will begin in the United States, it will quickly spread to its allies and adversaries. To date, Donald Trump has influenced Brexit, COVID norms, NATO and far-right violence. American or not, you will soon know what is next and should be concerned.

The Chancellorship is of no use

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The first time I heard of the Chancellor was when he resigned. When researching for this article, my results were flooded with stories about Lord Patten stepping down and his potential successors, but pre-2024: almost nothing. There was one story about an appointment to the Order of the Garter, then copious articles about the Vice-Chancellor. If the main time the institution of the Chancellor generates interest is when he (because in the role’s 800-year history, it has always been a ‘he’) leaves, it suggests the role might be more symbolic than practical. 

The institution of the Chancellor began in the 13th century, as every great Oxford tradition does: with the interaction of town, gown, and murder. Following the killing of a woman by a University student, tensions rose to a fever pitch, with three scholars hanged and the rest leaving the city in protest. A solution took five years: a Chancellor, appointed by the Bishop of Lincoln, to oversee certain legal proceedings in cases involving scholars. The judicial function served by the Chancellor in its creation is no longer present today – following section 23 of the Administration of Justice Act 1977, students are once again under the law of the land. 

Since the removal of the function for which the office was created, the two Chancellors that have held the post have expressed similar pessimism about its powers. Roy Jenkins, Chancellor from 1973 to 2003, characterised the role as “impotence assuaged by magnificence”. Lord Patten was slightly nicer, calling his position “usefully impotent”. 

To be fair, select historical Chancellors have been transformational to the University’s development. Robert Dudley, Chancellor in the 1560s, put the Oxford University Press on a permanent footing. Lord Clarendon’s funding was central to OUP’s success. George Curzon oversaw a tumultuous few decades at the turn of the 20th century, supporting the first women matriculating, the abolishment of compulsory Greek, and formalisation of doctorates, all of which helped create modern Oxford.

But the position doesn’t lend itself towards this kind of impact. 

The post demands fundraising efforts, giving speeches to promote the university, and maintaining political goodwill – largely public-facing responsibilities. Such duties are taken very seriously: throughout his 21 year tenure, Lord Pattern represented the University at as many as 60 international events per year, including 16 days in the House of Lords between March 2023 and 2024. The boost the position gives to one’s political career or to one’s legacy, on the cusp of retirement, seems inevitable with this level of publicity. 

Across various forms of public opinion, Lord Patten was referred to as a highly successful, arguably exemplary Chancellor. The main events of his Chancellorship appear to be warning of national security risks of academic links with China; wading into the Cecil Rhodes debate firmly on the retaining side, suggesting those who disagreed could ‘be educated elsewhere’; and opening new buildings at LMH. However, the position remains distant from the lives, and at times, interests, of current University students. Undergraduates, after all, are not able to vote in this election. 

It’s ironic that, despite representing the University on a global stage, and being so entwined with its reputation, the Chancellor has little structural accountability to enact positive change. There is potential for transformation in the role. Having a figurehead with a foot in the real world could ensure that the city does not become an ivory tower. Furthermore, symbolism does not have to be the same as it’s always been – it would set a bold tone to have the position’s first woman, or person of colour. 

With some work, the Chancellor could be instrumental in changing the way that the university is funded. Over the past year, collegiate and University investments have come under scrutiny, with divestment being one of Oxford Action for Palestine’s most prominent demands. Furthermore, contributing to more sustainable financing, by accelerating divestment from fossil fuel funds, would cement Oxford as one of the leaders in the economic effort against climate change. A forward-thinking, innovative Chancellor, could aid the Vice-Chancellor in tackling the significant political challenges that the University faces in our time.

But when the role is weighed down by centuries of existing as a reputational tool, the infrastructure required to fundamentally redefine it is limited. The surrounding superstructure that comes with the role of Chancellor is a burden against the possibility of change: perhaps an institutional shift, such as creating a more substantively powerful Vice Chancellor, and a high-powered fundraising committee, could eliminate the need for a Chancellor at all. 

That is, of course, unless you really like the cut of those gold robes. 

New year, new detention centre

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Half an hour north of central Oxford, you’ll find two disparate developments. On one side, Oxford’s new pride and joy: a £4 billion partnership with Legal & General for a state-of-the-art science area. On the other, Campsfield Detention Centre: a £70 million project by Galliford Try to reopen a facility for 400 immigration detainees. The hypocrisy is glaring. 

Campsfield’s closure in 2018 was met with significant relief, given its notorious living conditions. In October 2013, a suicidal inmate attempted to start a fire in his cell, resulting in two hospitalisations. The Home Office’s neglect towards detainees’ health was not only evident in their indefinite detention, but also in its failure to install fire sprinklers in the facility. 

Plans to reopen the centre have been met with continued protest. An open letter against the reopening in August 2024 represented 50 Oxford organisations, whilst a petition by a former detainee received over 1,400 signatures. 

One voice that has been conspicuously absent is the University of Oxford itself. Its recent accreditation as a University of Sanctuary ostensibly recognises Oxford’s “sustained commitment to being a place of welcome for people who have been forcibly displaced”. Even if the University is unwilling to take an explicitly ‘political’ stance, the reopening of Campsfield poses both a public health and community wellbeing issue. To stay silent stands in direct opposition to Oxford’s supposed commitment. 
Alternatives to detention are cheaper, more effective, and more humane. The reopening of Campsfield is unnecessary and unpopular; it’s time for the University of Oxford to actually stand behind the sanctuary they claim to provide.

Keep print alive in Oxford

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I was lucky to spend a few weeks working with the Daily Mail this summer. Love them or hate them, one thing became increasingly apparent: infinite content is the death of journalism. 

In 2023, Press Gazette investigated the story output of leading UK news publishers. The MailOnline published an average of 1,490 stories per day in September 2023, more than a story a minute. It’s not just that online news buzzes in our pockets every minute, exhausting our brains, inducing anxiety, and desensitising us to catastrophes. There is just too much news. 

Compare that to print. The Daily Mail publishes around 30 articles daily. The paper is carefully curated (yes, to reflect a political agenda) but also to create a manageable and digestible publication. My grandmother can sit down each morning and “read the newspaper”. The limit to news is not just better for our time and mental capacity; it forces editors to prioritise specific stories. Headlines and front pages come first. However, online, everything is ordered by what is most recent, and there is no way to distinguish what is significant. Blink, and you might miss it. 

Print increases your chances of coming across new ideas and breaking those familiar accusations of the ‘echo chamber’. The Instagram algorithm is a deceptively infinite source of information. And as long as you keep scrolling, the tailored feed will never show you ideas beyond your comfort zone. There is enough information to fuel a feed for every belief. Finding print content, however, can prompt readers to confront divergent views. Whether in newsagents or the familiar rivalry of which newspaper, Cherwell or The Oxford Student, is on top of the pile in JCRs. You don’t have to pick them both up to see that there is other content out there. Unlike with the Instagram algorithm, it’s pretty clear when OxStu has stuck their copies on top. 

I have to confess I have ulterior motives for wanting you to pick up a copy of Cherwell. Online news and information have the potential to be more inclusive and more accessible, to break through censorship and misinformation. But if an endless amount of content is available, doesn’t that limit our understanding just as much? 

So, if you’re reading this online, pick up the print version (and tell your JCRs to buy more copies) to see if you notice a difference.

UK unis’ global reputations are at risk

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Oxford is the best university in the world, by many standards. While national league tables quibble over teaching quality and student satisfaction – figures that are often simply marked N/A for Oxford and Cambride – the University retains a near-unparalleled prestige for international students around the world. So why have undergraduate applications to Oxford from the EU nearly halved in five years and the level of non-EU applicants fallen for the past two? 

Maybe the national league tables are right to fret over teaching and support over research output, especially at the undergraduate level. Students without labs or language classes are often left with only one or two incredibly intense contact hours a week and a lingering aversion towards lectures. It cannot come as a surprise that students, especially those who are paying over £40,000, are not too keen on the idea of ploughing through academic tomes with little support beyond the odd text from a college parent. Most other universities offer a more substantial range of classes, lectures, and seminars. 

But home applications haven’t followed this trend, and the international application numbers are not just falling for Oxford, it’s nationally – according to the most recent UCAS data. These are not people prevented from bringing families by stringent immigration laws, which is often cited as the biggest cause. These are eighteen year olds looking at British universities and deciding against them. 

Somewhere between the millions of pounds worth of state funding, plans to make Britain a hub of tech innovation, and the lowest corporation tax in the G7, the idea that it is strategically essential for our universities to maintain their global appeal seems to have been lost. Oxford is respected, even revered, globally. That isn’t up for debate. But the unpopularity of UK universities on the global market has weakened the sector as a whole, taking Oxford down with it. 

You needn’t look far in the news to see that higher education is grappling with significant financial issues. Courses are closing, academics are losing their jobs, and the phrase ‘crisis’ has been used even more than usual. Everyone is keenly aware that limited home fees are crippling universities. 

The usual arguments of “Labour was over-ambitious and financially irresponsible in the 2000s” and “the Tories fatally underfunded the public sector” have, naturally, been bandied around. Yet reliance on internationals’ fees – often from postgraduates as much as undergraduates – complexifies the picture. The tightening of immigration law – restricting students from bringing their family with them and limiting opportunities to stay in the UK after graduation – suggests that governmental priorities outside of education ignore this nuanced reality. The messaging on visas: come by yourself and study, but don’t make too many new friends, because we’re desperate for you to return home afterwards. It’s hardly the most inviting prospect. 

It’s hard not to note the irony given that everyone wants international students. The Sunday Times uncovered schemes run by Russell Group universities in which international students were recruited separately to usual UCAS procedure, often holding Cs or worse at A level, and placed on ‘International Year One’ – which facilitates progression onto second year without passing the exams sat by their coursemates. 

And yet the universities aren’t attracting those who would have come ten years ago. The desperation for funding cheapens the degree, becoming a pay-to-play. Most in support of high levels of international students aren’t arguing from a standpoint that emphasises diversity or meritocracy – it’s nearly exclusively financial. Paradoxically, desperation – and the impression it gives to prospective ‘student-customers’ that they are only there to subsidise home students – only reduces a university’s appeal and so exacerbates their recruitment woes. 

The anti-international camp aren’t exactly motivated by sympathy for those who are being used in this way. Rather, they’re often fixated on immigration numbers, and can usually be quite neatly typified as those you’d shuffle away from at the village pub, lest a conversation begin on how an eighteen year old studying biomedicine is demolishing English culture as we know it. Reducing international students becomes a necessity for any government looking to massage entry figures for this demographic. 

But Oxford is different. For many Americans, it works out cheaper than the equivalent degree at Harvard or Yale. Oxford doesn’t, as far as anyone is aware, engage in these international recruiting procedures. The same desperation isn’t there. Oxford and Cambridge have colleges richer than every other university. And yet, international applications are on the decline. 

Perhaps it isn’t the attitude to international students that’s the problem, it’s what universities are offering them. Three years of specialisation, surrounded by concrete for the most part, with variable accommodation, disengaged tutors, and a drinking culture that in most countries would be cause for medical intervention. And the weather. 

It’s a hard sell when put against the idea of American colleges – however romanticised that might be – whose websites seem to consistently put out sunny drone shots of Victorian buildings and multicultural groups laughing over a shared hobby. For those not set on a specific discipline, aiming for a more holistic, character building experience, it’s hard to see how the UK could appeal. 

In this case, universities need to turn the tide. As Oxford loses talent to other countries, so too does the UK’s pool of talented graduates. Let alone the risk of becoming closing off from differing perspectives, experiences, and cultural backgrounds. Otherwise, even Oxford may begin to find that its world-beating reputation is at risk.

Grieving someone I never knew

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Grief is usually tethered to memories: recalling the sound of someone’s laugh, the warmth of their hug, or mulling over their meaningful mantras. It is a process shaped by these intricacies – tiny, profound moments that form the deep bond that, with loss, becomes heartbreakingly intangible. How does, or perhaps how can, such grief manifest when this mosaic of memories are not truly yours? What happens when the bond you grieve is with someone you never actually managed to meet?

For me, the figure of the deceased becomes somewhat mythic – painted in the soft light of others’ nostalgia. My uncle, on whom this article focuses, passed unexpectedly the day before my birth over 21 years ago. For my family, this day represented an incredibly unique moment of simultaneous birth and loss. I was welcomed to the world eight hours after his exit, a moment that seemed to represent the circle of life in its most intimate form. Unlike losing a friend or close relative whom you’ve known, however, mourning someone who was already gone when you arrived has always served as a constant reminder of life’s finite nature. I’ve grown up feeling that loss, as if I occupy a hollowed-out place in the family’s shared history.

Growing up, my uncle’s legacy has seeped through every moment. His memory was ever-present in family gatherings, almost as if he simply stepped out of the room and could walk back in at any moment. At birthdays, at Christmas, on the anniversaries of his passing – my family keeps his memory alive. Each time, I listen to my family recount endless stories of his humour, his kindness, and his dreams, painting a vivid portrait of someone I could never know but was somehow deeply and intimately connected to.

In many ways, his presence shaped me. Family members would point out my laugh, saying it reminded them of him, or remark on how he loved Stevie Wonder’s music to the same extent as I do. Due to the unique meeting of my life and his death, I have found myself constantly searching for parts of him in myself, as though I could piece together his essence from my traits. This inheritance of character and memory became a way to feel connected to him, as if he lived on not only in their memories but also in me. Yet, it has always been a bittersweet connection – one filled with pride, but tinged with the sadness of knowing these traits are all I have of him.

Legitimising the grief of someone you never knew is important, though it’s rarely recognized in our culture’s understanding of loss. We often assume that mourning must be anchored to direct experiences and memories, but grief can be, and is for me just as real for someone whose life touched us indirectly. It’s a unique kind of sorrow – one that’s deeply tied to the legacy, love, and presence the person left behind, not the shared moments that traditional grief might rely on.

I want others to recognise that my grief deserves validation because it’s a real connection, even if it looks different from other forms of mourning. For me, there’s a longing not only for the person I never met but also for the relationship we could have had. It feels natural to carry sadness for the moments we missed, for the advice he might have shared, and for the unique kind of love that could have shaped my life. This grief reminds me that, even without my own memories, his presence still resonates deeply within me.

He’s part of who I am, woven into the story of my entrance into the world and importantly, my family’s story. Though I can’t reach back and touch shared experiences, his impact remains alive in me – in the stories, the traits I’m told I share with him, and the family’s love that keeps his memory close. This is a form of connection that feels meaningful, even if it isn’t one I can remember firsthand, and it deserves to be seen and understood.

I’m not a particularly spiritual or religious person, but a part of me holds onto my uncle’s spirit. This is because, last year my mum, on a bit of a whim, visited a psychic medium with a friend. During the session, the medium began to spell out my uncle’s name, letter by letter, to confirm his presence. She then told my mum that, because of the “shared story” between my uncle and me, he has always been watching over me and keeping me safe. 

Whether or not you believe in things like this is up to you, but for me, hearing that held a deep significance. It felt like an affirmation of our bond, a quiet reassurance that, even though we never met, he’s a constant presence in my life and I have a right to grieve with my family despite these unique circumstances.

Le pain: Living as a coeliac at Oxford

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Coeliac disease is an autoimmune disease in which the immune system mistakes gluten for a threat, attacking and causing damage to healthy tissue in the small intestine. There is no cure to coeliac; the only treatment is a strict gluten-free diet. Since gluten is the protein that gives structure to wheat, barley, and rye, you can imagine this is quite a challenge. Cross-contamination is also a major issue for people who suffer from the disease, with less than 20 parts per million, much less than a crumb, causing a reaction. Now to address some FAQs. Firstly: coeliac disease is not an allergy. Consequently, there is no EpiPen nor effective post-medication. Next: there is no immediate reaction or likelihood of death after consuming gluten. Rather, a host of insidious gut-related symptoms – the details of which I shall spare you, in case you’re reading this while eating – and other more general afflictions (think fatigue, brain fog, and mouth ulcers) gradually arise in the following days and weeks. This makes it difficult to identify the source of contamination in my diet, giving rise to a less-than-fun exercise in detective work.

Other than the obvious (i.e. breads, pastas, and baked goods), gluten manages to find its way into more surprising and rather annoying consumables like sausages, soy sauce, beer, and some flavourings. However, contrary to the concerns of some of my friends – who have swooped in to ‘save me’ on more than one occasion – potatoes and rice do not contain gluten, instead comprising a staple of my diet.

I was diagnosed with coeliac over eleven years ago, concurrently with my twin brother – but he doesn’t go to Oxford, so we won’t mention him again. This means I’ve had over a decade to master ‘the art of the coeliac’, as well as forget many of the pleasures and indulgences of my former life (e.g., bread with any semblance of structural integrity).

Let’s cut to today and address the elephants in the room. One of the most common questions I get is: “Can you still kiss someone after they’ve eaten gluten?”. The short answer is no, but it depends on how long ago they indulged. Usually, my kiss-ee would need to brush their teeth, which tends to kill the mood. However, owing to a recent decision out of my control, this issue no longer presents a problem in my day-to-day. The next most common question I get is, “Can you touch gluten?”. Here, the answer is yes. In fact, any anatomical surface is gluten-safe, so long as the gluten doesn’t reach my GI tract (from either direction).

As anyone with dietary restrictions will tell you, food-related conditions have many non-obvious effects on life at university – especially in relation to socialising. Dining with friends can often be a nightmare, especially without knowing the kitchen protocols of every establishment one’s group decides to visit (except Pho in the Westgate, which rumour has it I frequent weekly). Dietary restrictions also affect one’s ability to participate in certain JCR events, like bops. ‘Bop juice’ is a questionable concept for any student, but it’s even more of a risk to someone for whom cross-contamination is a concern.

The overall cost of living is also much higher for someone with coeliac. Coeliac-safe alternatives are often two or three times the cost of their gluten-containing counterparts; gone and fondly remembered are the days of sixty-pence Oaties from Tesco’s. Further, my coeliac existence complicates many living situations. The safest way to prevent possible cross-contamination is having separate cutlery, pots, pans, and work surfaces, as well as keeping ingredients like butter separate. This, obviously, makes cooking in other people’s kitchens overly complicated, with perpetual streams of washing up and stress. I have also heard some horror stories in relation to fellow coeliacs eating in college halls; this unfortunately disqualifies me from the experience of hall-swapping at most colleges. However, I must say: despite the lack of kitchen access for first-years, Jesus has always been outstanding in catering for me, and I can’t thank the kitchen team enough (big-up Bruno). 

  All in all, being a coeliac only adds one more dimension of anxiety to the already-stressful Oxford life. However, I don’t mean to sound too preachy, or to farm your sympathy. Mostly, I’ve written this article so I can send it to the next person who inevitably interrogates me when I respectfully decline their invitation to kiss. This doesn’t help me defend against the accusation that being coeliac is one of my only three personality traits, but it’s worth it for the time I’ll save. Anyway, it’s back to washing up for me.

Three wishes for Oxford

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I am stood in a queue in the Waterstones book shop on Broad Street. Before me lies an interminable wait – and all I want to do is read my new copy of The Story of Hong Gildong. I am sure that similar experiences will be familiar to many of the Cherwell’s readers. In a way, being stuck in an interminable queue is as quintessentially ‘Oxford’ as gowns, the Radcliffe Camera, or a late-night visit to Hassan’s. Typically, I have an episode of The Rest Is History or an audiobook with the reassuring tones of Stephen Fry to lessen the aggravation. Today, my earphones are discharged. The poet William Blake once wrote of the ability “to see a world in a grain of sand, and heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour”. Perhaps he would have been less enchanted with the ability to draw events out if he had been here with me. Two people in front of me chat inanely. I am reminded of Waiting for Godot. Still, as a PPEist, such potent boredom can and does eventually lead to only one thing: speculations about the likely consequences of my becoming omnipotent.

Leaving aside questions about the corrupting tendency of power, and the absolutely corrupting tendency of absolute power (would what I would change change if I were absolutely powerful?), here then are the three things I would change about Oxford if deified:

1. I am immediately struck that the first thing to go would be the weather. The famous opening of Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities might have been written about the average Oxford day: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us…” Just last week, I had left my accommodation in confident expectation of a ‘partly cloudy’ day, and was rudely confronted on my return journey with a downpour of truly diluvian proportions. Soaked and downtrodden, I made it back with a new sympathy for the Roman emperor Caligula, who reputedly declared war on the sea. Were I imbued with divine power, the atmosphere would shortly be abolished, or if this was not feasible for some reason, replaced with a more congenial state of affairs.

2. Second on the divine to-do list, a move towards faux-mediaeval and eccentric naming standards. If you are reading this in bafflement, simply imagine walking to lectures not in “Exam Schools”, but the “Doom Convocation”. Imagine attending a tutorial at the Saïd Business School under the “Magi of Marketing”. Imagine receiving on a marked essay not a “first” but “Boccræftig” (Bookcrafty). What a world that would be. Such a policy would markedly improve not only lecture turnout, but also student welfare.

3. Finally, the lack of canals throughout central Oxford is an oversight on the part of its planners which I would be quick to resolve. At present, punting is merely a fun pastime for the summer months – a curious historical hangover. Imagine, however, a Venice-style patchwork of waterways running through the centre of Oxford. We could punt from college to college, tutorial to tutorial, bookshop to bookshop. The manifold benefits of such a change are immediately apparent: such a transport mechanism would be environmentally friendly, biodiverse, and enormous fun, among other upsides. It would also prepare us for the possibility of a second Great Flood, which we oughtn’t to discount.

Plainly, reform would not stop here. I cannot imagine online college room-booking forms surviving long. I am, however, nearing the front of the queue. Further rumination will have to wait…