Saturday, May 10, 2025
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Life Divided: Christmas Films

For: Julia Alsop

‘Buddy the Elf, what’s your favourite colour?’

‘keep the change, you filthy animal’

Like it or not, from November onwards you’ll be hearing iconic quotes from cheesy Christmas movies always and everywhere. Embrace it or Crimbo will be miserable for you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as cynical as any other Oxford Humanities student. RomComs make me cringe, and I’m definitely not a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda. Yet somehow, if you stick some tinsel and a child’s hopeful wish to Santa in the plot, I become an over-emotional, warm-hearted believer (I’m not even ashamed).

So what makes Christmas films different? There’s the twinkly lights and snowy scenes, the childhood-themed nostalgia (Is that the Polar Express’ bell ringing?), the sentimental soundtracks, and even Donald Trump’s cameo in ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’, which now gets a sad chuckle. But overall it’s the melting of the protagonists’ hard hearts that warms my icy soul into submission.

Just when you’re all Oxmas-ed out, December hits and you begin feeling Scroogey, telling your family that you’ve ‘basically done Christmas anyway’. So you sit wrapped up in your duvet cocoon, clutching a hot chocolate (with the necessary shot of Baileys), and whack on The Grinch. Go ahead, admit you identify with him. How could you not?

Following Michaelmas term, you, like all the Christmas protagonists, will be irritable and simply intolerant of festive spirit. But like the protagonists, you can’t avoid magically realising the importance of family time (except with that one weird cousin), rather than quality time with your reading list. We all do it anyway, but the plots of Christmas movies give you actual permission to prioritise fun over work. Above all, unlike (dumb) RomComs, the morals are always ‘wholesome’ and not just about falling in love with some pretty person who isn’t quite as vain as they initially seem to be (yawn).

The nostalgia of Christmas films mean that, even if it is objectively an awful film(‘Nativity 2’ I’m looking at you), watching the same ones year after year become a ritualistic and romanticised part of the festive season. I freely admit that I become basic as soon as 1st December comes around, but to watch the romance of Buddy and Jovie unfold or to witness Macaulay Culkin take down the Wet Bandits has to make you feel festive. Oh, and controversial opinion, but this excludes Love Actually. We all know that that film is ridiculous.

Against: Dominic Tomlinson

I’m not trying to sound like a Grinch, but I have to be honest. Christmas movies are pretty terrible.

I love Christmas as much as the next person, and although I’m no expert, I’m a huge fan of Cinema too – this is why the constant loop of ‘festive’ films that litter our screens over the holidays fills me with anything but the holiday spirit. Of course once in while there will be a classic – I’m not against ‘It’s a wonderful life’, ‘Elf’ or ‘Die Hard’ (objectively a Christmas movie) – but Christmas movies are generally appalling.

The worst Christmas films tend to be so bad for all the same reasons. Firstly, they’re so lazily formulaic that a room of typewriting apes are no doubt halfway through the latest caper. In summary, Vince Vaughn and Cameron Diaz will be a hapless married couple, inviting the in-laws for a calm, controlled Christmas day, only for it to all go wrong and hilarity to ensue. Believe it or not, most of these films aren’t written by primates – ‘Christmas with the Kranks’ is even based on a John Grisham story – yet their plots rarely extend beyond the level of intrigue and complexity you’d find in a Christmas cracker joke.

Yes, other genres suffer from predicable and formulaic plots (we’re all thinking of horror films here), but at least they’re nowhere near as sickeningly sentimental as Christmas films. They’re so saccharin they make a Mars bar seem as bitter as a recently divorced lemon spending Christmas day with a ready-meal and a bottle of gin. Happy endings belong in a family film, but there’s no need for the not-so-subtle lesson that any trial can be overcome by the spirit of Christmas, love and family. Haven’t these people heard of tequila?

Also, thinking about it, most of these films don’t really have anything to do with Christmas. Instead, the plot has had fairy lights and tinsel draped onto it, and some poorly-paid set designer has stuck a fir tree in the background. Oh, and of course it’s snowing. But why would they do this? Well my naive little friend, to make money out of us overly-nostalgic nitwits of course. ‘Love Actually’ could take place at any time of the year, but would it have had a fraction of its box-office success? I think not. The hard truth is that these films are guaranteed a large enough audience from those who are already on a Christmas high.

Of course you can’t avoid watching Christmas films (I challenge you to try). But please choose wisely. Unless you do actually, genuinely love ‘Surviving Christmas’, in which case, who am I to judge… (judging you).

The shameful truth about Churchill

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The British people love Winston Churchill. To most of us, Churchill represents triumph in the face of all odds; of plucky little Britain’s ability to defeat Nazism and, in many ways, to save the world. He has been heroically depicted in everything from Doctor Who to Young Indiana Jones and with two major biopics about Winston Churchill released within the last six months, it comes as no surprise that a BBC poll found him to be ‘The Greatest Briton of All Time’.

However, despite the noble and heroic character popularised in European and American media, Churchill’s role as leader of the British Empire, which was directly responsible for four million Indian deaths, is woefully ignored in Britain. For a fifth of the world’s population however, it is the single action for which Churchill is most infamous. Madhusree Mukherjee’s recent book, ‘Churchill’s secret war’ reveals the true extent of both his racism and his involvement in the Bengal famine of 1943.

Only two hundred years previously, Bengal – the fertile region in Eastern India and Bangladesh – had been the economic heart of the great Mughal empire. Known as The Paradise of Nations, the region accounted for 12% of the world economy and boasted better wages and living standards than anywhere in Europe. However, as the East India Company, and later the British crown, began to exert power over the region, it’s wealth was sent off to Britain, leading the region into a period of slow relative decline.

In 1943 a famine hit. The Second World War was in full flow and Bengal, now predominantly agrarian – a result of two centuries of forced colonial deindustrialisation – was hit with a major shortage of food. It was in the midst of this famine that the British government, fearing a Japanese attack, enacted a scorched earth policy across Bengal, burning boats and fields of crops en masse, to ensure that the Japanese would not be able to hold the land. But, the Japanese never arrived.

Hoarding began and soon starvation gave way to cholera, dysentery, malaria and smallpox. The British government held large reserves of wheat, and this would have been an obvious time to use them, yet despite it being a direct result of colonial policies in the region, no help was given to the victims of the famine. Indeed, Churchill, the British prime minister at the time, ordered that the Indian food reserves be diverted to buffer reserve stocks in countries such as Greece instead. Historians Professor Christopher Bayly and Tim Harper write in their 2005 book “The prime minister believed that Indians were the next worst people in the world after the Germans. Their treachery had been plain in the Quit India movement. The Germans he was prepared to bomb into the ground. The Indians he would starve to death as a result of their own folly and viciousness.”

Mukherjee explains how Churchill refused to send aid to Bengal, or indeed let others help, ‘in spite of repeated appeals from two successive Viceroys, Churchill’s own Secretary of State for India and even the President of the United States’. In response to a telegram from Delhi regarding the millions dying of starvation due to the famine, Churchill simply asked “Why isn’t Gandhi dead yet”.

I hate Indians,” he proclaimed to Leopold Amery, the Indian Secretary of State. “They are a beastly people with a beastly religion.” The famine was their own fault for “breeding like rabbits”.

By the time the famine ended, an estimated 4 million people had died, three times more than during the Rwandan Genocide. That autumn, food stockpiles in the United Kingdom swelled to 18.5 million tonnes.

Despite the mass of films about Winston Churchill’s youth, his physical health and his relationships with his family, there is yet to be a single film revolving around his relationship to empire and the Indian Subcontinent. His reputation as saviour and embodiment of British values has yet to take into account his role as leader of the largest empire the world has ever seen.

With post-Brexit Britain relying so heavily on its relationships with the Commonwealth, it is more important than ever for us to address our shared colonial past. To many in the Indian subcontinent, Churchill’s reputation is parallel to that of Hitler in Europe. Indeed, prominent Indian politician Shashi Tharoor has proclaimed, “This is the man who the British insist on hailing as some apostle of freedom and democracy, when to my mind he is really one of the more evil rulers of the 20th century, only fit to stand in the company of the likes of Hitler, Mao and Stalin”.

The Bengal Famine is not the only smear on Churchill’s reputation. Further cited ‘war crimes’ include the bombing of Dresden, the handing over of the whole Eastern block to the USSR and the awarding of £26,000 (over a millions pounds today) to Brigadier Dyer, the mastermind behind the brutal Amritsar massacre.

And yet, in September 2016, only eight months after the Oxford Union voted in favour of tearing down the statue of Cecil Rhodes from the walls of Oriel college, Winston Churchill’s face crept onto every five pound note in the country. This new move attracted no controversy.

A year and a half on and two popular biopics later, Churchill is still widely regarded as ‘The Greatest Briton of All Time’. Once again it is time for the British to look in the mirror and begin questioning its Imperial past.

 

Some sage seasonal advice from the Secret College Footballer

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Like many of Europe’s other elite football competitions, Oxford college football takes a winter break. This provides a chance to recover from the intensity of the Michaelmas fixture list, and to prepare for the crunch games of Hilary: league title deciders, the latter stages of cuppers, etc. Apart from that, though, the problem faced by many college footballers is how exactly to fill the five-week hiatus over the Christmas period.

Five weeks is a painfully long time to go without football, especially for players used to churning out two performances a week. The void that college football leaves behind over the vac can be enough to send a player’s morale into a downward spiral, as they gaze longingly at their team’s Facebook page, waiting in desperate anticipation for that post that never arrives. Every notification sends them scrambling for their phone, hoping against hope that the cancelled Hassan’s Cup match has in fact been rescheduled for Christmas Eve. Of course, even if this were the case, they’re back home, on the other side of the country. Out of the Oxford bubble, they’ve never felt more stifled.

At times, the withdrawal symptoms can be quite shocking, with some players working themselves into such a state that they mistake their own family members for the (fabricated) opposition. Nothing ruins Christmas morning quite like a two-footed challenge on your younger brother or sister.

The solution to this problem is actually so simple as to be almost unthinkable: just keep playing football. Going on a night out with your mates from home? Bring a ball for a kick-about; they’ll love it. Don’t fancy brussels sprouts with your Christmas dinner? Work on your technique by pinging them across the kitchen. Heading towards midnight on New Year’s without a kiss? Explain the intricacies of the offside rule to your crush, and they’ll wonder why they never found you so attractive before.

Your parents may not take too kindly to you painting white lines all over the garden lawn, but it’s important to go to any lengths necessary to replicate that matchday environment. In fact, given that the December weather is not always conducive to adequate playing surfaces, it might be worth discussing with your family the possibility of replacing the lawn with artificial turf, complete with floodlights to cope with those 4pm sunsets. The prospect of installing a main stand on the back of your house might be less likely.

Don’t let all this talk of practice and preparation get you down either, you can still enjoy the Christmas period with all its trappings. Eat and drink to your heart’s content; after all, it wouldn’t be the first game of Hilary without everyone scrambling to get match fit. As long as you can track back without chundering, you should be fine.

Indeed, Christmas is more about sliding down a hill in a sledge than it is about slide-tackling your sibling, regardless of how tempting it may seem to indulge in the latter.

Restaurant Review: Happy Friday Kitchen

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With its cosy Nordic decor and noughties throwback playlist, Happy Friday Kitchen immediately creates a genuine sense of hygge. If the low hanging lights and little, potted cacti weren’t welcoming enough, this new addition to Oxford’s vegan food scene is also home to the most adorable little dog (named Buddha, we’re told). Sitting down felt somewhat like an achievement. This is not at all because of its Cowley location, which many students may already begrudge, but because previous attempts to visit had been scuppered by a peculiarly early closing time of 8pm. ‘Happy Friday’ is definitely an apt name, as it is only from Friday to Saturday that the restaurant extends its opening hours to close at the far more convenient time of 10pm. However, our perseverance certainly paid off in the end.

The owners have heard the cries of every Oxford vegan seeking authentic comfort food. We all like a falafel wrap as much as the next person, but even we can’t deny those greasy carb cravings that creep up post-Bridge (and let’s be honest, sometimes even before). Happy Friday Kitchen has it all: the feel-good food that is so easily available to meat-eaters (burgers, pizza, fries, wings…), but sadly evades our grasp. The menu doesn’t once list the word vegan, but welcomes anyone and everyone to eat there without feeling singled out over their dietary requirements. While the drinks menu does include a choice of plant milks, even the hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows(!) is listed simply as that, and it is the perfect pick-me-up after a particularly bad tute if you ask me.

However, Happy Friday Kitchen’s star attraction is undoubtedly its cheese fries. This is the kind of smoky, nacho-style queso that vegans only dare to dream about, although the Pinterest recipes make it look so easy. Their fries come smothered in heavenly, stretchy, melted goodness, and is maximum level comfort food that erases any lingering jealousy over your mates’ cheesy chips. The quality does not slip, from the cleverly-named, ‘Meat Loathers Pizza’ featuring a ‘mozzarella’ stuffed crust and sweet BBQ sauce, down to the seitan chicken wings coated in the type of hot, sticky marinade you would hope to get from American-style food.

At Happy Friday Kitchen, there is no more need for vegans to settle. Mushrooms and bean burgers are pushed aside in favour of flavourful soy patties and seitan with great texture, and a variety of fillings from traditional mayo to the more adventurous mac ‘n’ cheese. It’s probably worth noting that there are Buddha bowls available for the more health-conscious among us, but who can resist a slice of thin crust? A burger for £12 is not unheard of in Oxford, and when it’s vegan you can’t argue with these prices.

All in all, Happy Friday Kitchen is more than worth venturing outside of the city center. When you have food like this only a bus trip away, how can you say no?

How to: ace the vac

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A quick glance at social media would suggest that the vac is an exhilarating rollercoaster ride through a cornucopia of Instagramming, Snapchatting, Tweeting, and texting. If you haven’t spent the whole time inundating your followers with pictures of the beach you’re sitting on – the temperature and time of day included in a cute colourful graphic – who even are you?

Adjusting to being back home can be challenging for all of us, but fake it till you make it on social media and you’re already more than halfway there. After all, if others can’t see that you’re enjoying the vac, are you really? Isn’t it obvious that you’re having more fun than everyone else if you’re posting multiple times a day about your exploits? And might I add, you’re definitely having more fun if you’re posting with multiple people. Grab your friends or indeed the stranger next to you, and take a selfie with them. I mean who cares if you haven’t spoken to them in months (or haven’t even met them)? This is all about making your social calendar look as though it was comprehensively planned months in advance.

A golden rule for making proper use of the vac is that every visit to a café or art gallery must also be recorded for posterity. The whole world wants to see you drinking coffee from a jam jar – so give the people what they want. Be sure to post pics of every pumpkin spiced latte, served in a rustic mason jar, just in case anyone hadn’t realised you were visiting an edgy coffee shop in a trendy corner of East London. This is to conceal the fact you’ve actually spent most of the vac in your bedroom. Alone. In an irrelevant part of the South West of England, where the closest you’ve come to human contact is the local scarecrow. So much of Oxford is about keeping up appearances, and this is never truer than during the Vac.

Don’t forget that despite only ever venturing as far as East London, you’ll need to grit your teeth and smile as you tell your friends you went to Tenerife (with snapchat stories to support the claim). That is only for them to respond coolly by saying that they’d been to Elevenerife – how very expected, that others would be so effortlessly good at maintaining appearances.

It seems the general competitive vibe of Oxford life applies to the vacs as well. Therefore, you’ll also want to have at least 10 internships lined up over the vac. The beauty of internships and vacation schemes is that when I tell people I’m going for them, it gives the impression that I am actually prepared career-wise (spoiler: I’m not). It also has the simultaneous effect of making those you tell feel so completely demoralised.

Only for you to be able to reflate them by telling them how little vac work you’ve done in comparison to them, how unprepared for collections you are, and how they will of course inevitably ace those exams. This is, of course, a lie. Every spare hour, outside those spent sipping coffee, sunning yourself in Tenerife, or sweating over a Deloitte desk has doubtless been spent swatting for those exams. These people will inevitably end up deflated when you’re the one that aces those collections. Keep the pretences up, and not only will the likes come rolling in, but the grades too.

It is obvious that through the wonders of social media, it is completely possible to be seen to be enjoying the vac. This is despite the reality that you cannot wait for 0th week to arrive, and to be able to return to the library – where you can reuse the excuse that your tutor is a malevolent monster destined on destroying your social life. But, for now, don’t let this article tear you away from that mince pie you’re about to Instagram. I’d hate to be the one to disappoint your fans.

Christmas through the imagination of Tolkien

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© The Tolkien Estate Ltd 1976
© The Tolkien Estate Ltd 1976

Tolkien is perhaps best known for his astonishing ability to create vivid and engrossing worlds in his novels The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. Having inspired so many from his home in Oxford, a Bodleian exhibition in 2018 titled Tolkien: Maker of Middle-Earth will reveal a whole new world Tolkien created for his children.

Christmas already carries a whole range of mythos and Tolkien, in painstakingly detailed letters from Father Christmas to his children, deepened and strengthened this world with playful stories and beautiful illustrations. The attention to detail of his stories, introducing characters such as Santa’s clumsy Polar Bear helper, shows his instinctive desire to build fictional worlds.

© The Tolkien Estate Ltd 1976

Curator of the exhibition, Catherine McIlwaine, told Cherwell that it will reveal “a side of Tolkien that many people don’t know about”. As the father of four children, Tolkien shows his dedication to sparking the imagination of children in these letters spanning 23 years, even including references to Hornby toys, a particular favourite of his sons.

The letters also reflect Tolkien’s long development of Middle Earth — Christmas gnomes become elves as time progresses. One letter, written in 1932, around the time that Tolkien finished his first draft of The Hobbit for his good friend C.S. Lewis, features thieving orcs, ransacking Santa’s grotto and stealing his toys.

© The Tolkien Trust 2012

Tolkien’s world building was fueled by an underlying desire to create a national mythology for Great Britain. “Tolkien felt that Britain was deprived of a national mythology by its invaders”, McIlwaine told Cherwell. As a professor of Anglo-Saxon studies in Oxford, Tolkien’s reverence of Beowulf as “the first great English piece of literature” shows his obsession with English mythos. Of note to scholars of English literature in Oxford University, an original type script of Tolkien’s translation of Beowulf from 1926, featuring handwritten notes, will be on display too.

Although McIlwaine notes how Tolkien sits “outside the literary canon”, she told Cherwell of his ‘influence’ on all fantasy works. Fan letters from great writers including a 19 year old Terry Pratchett will also be on display. In this regard, Tolkien’s project can be regarded as a success, from Harry Potter to Game of Thrones, works inspired by Tolkien’s English mythos have taken the world by storm just as much as Homer, Virgil, or Chanson de Gestes.

All this and more will be displayed at the Bodleian Library exhibit from June 1st 2018 until October. The Exhibition will be accompanied by a book titled ‘Tolkien: Maker of Middle Earth’ published on 1 June 2018.

‘Revival’ review – mature and compelling as ever

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Months of teasers stacked on top of years of anticipation came to a climax on Friday when Eminem finally dropped his new album Revival. His ninth studio album sprawls across 19 tracks that range from rock and gospel to pop and the foundation of barbed hip hop, aiming to boast something for everyone. The titular shift in Eminem that is realised in this album was first glimpsed by stolid Stans when he sported a tougher look in the form of a gruff beard, obscuring the youthful mischief of the self-professed ‘Criminal’ who defined the noughties. Now, at 45, Eminem is struggling with that legacy. “But how do you keep up the pace/and the hunger pangs once you’ve won the race?” Eminem queries. As someone who has constantly had to prove something, he wonders how to prove himself when his name is already etched in the annals.

Revival marks a more mature phase as Eminem can no longer find fuel in attacking his Mum, Kim and Moby. Instead he delves into unlikely alcoves; from Trump takedowns and self-doubt to the remorseful and reconciliatory. He still approaches rap as a presentation of his immensely contradictory character and the psychological conflict it gives rise to, something which only seems to be exacerbated by the Eminem/Slim Shady/Marshall Mathers split persona. Eminem notes in ‘Framed’, a nod to the Shady horrorcore rap of Relapse, “three personalities burstin’ out of me, please, beware”. While this complexity is compelling, it can at times seem contradictory as he oscillates between comedy, tragedy and fury sometimes within the space of a sole song. Yet, it is refreshing to be confronted with wracked insecurities and concerns as opposed to the clichéd boasts of wealth and women that punctuate a lot of contemporary rap.

Beyoncé’s haunting voice opens the album in ‘Walk on Water’, a largely beat-free track that is scattered with sounds of paper being crumpled and expletives that stress Eminem’s faltering confidence. “Kids look to me as a god, this is retarded” he reflects, tormented by the dizzying expectations of fans, expectations Eminem only propped up with messianic tracks such as ‘Rap God’. On a first listen, Revival seemed underwhelming. Yet, you can’t help but wonder whether this is owing to the four Eminem-empty years that preceded it, or the exorbitantly high mark Eminem has set for himself, something ‘Walk on Water’ reveals he is acutely conscious of. The album grows better the longer you immerse yourself in it, owing to the provocative gift of its writer. He is still a consummate wordsmith, with an astounding command of narrative and rhyme with dizzying wordplay that continues to jump out even on the second or third listen. Convoluted double entendres (“Sorry if I’m being graphic, but I’m stiff as a statue/You sat on a shelf, I feel like I’m a bust/Maybe I’m ahead of myself”) show how he continues to delight in the mischievous complexities language can offer.

It is in Eminem’s clever, quick and verbose masterstroke ‘Offended’ that his impressive technical ability reaches its peak. The verbal fireworks explain and exemplify his skill, with each polysyllabic surge cementing it. The track culminates in a frenetic and blistering spectacle of speed, akin to the supersonic passage of ‘Rap God’, that similarly aims for the record books. At this point in Revival Eminem seems to have a resurgence of confidence, as he charges into ‘Nowhere Fast’ blasting “I feel sorry for this beat/Sympathy pains for this track”, almost assaulting the beat with aggression. Kehlani provides the atmospheric chorus that is dispersed across the Eminem features, leaving listeners unsure whether collaborators such as Ed Sheeran and Alicia Keys are a transparent attempt to garner chart success, particularly given the fact they seem like people Eminem would have looked on with derision a decade ago.

The political anger of Eminem’s freestyle assault on Donald Trump earlier in the year is translated into ‘Like Home’ and ‘Untouchable’. While Eminem previously incorporated a political discussion into ‘Mosh’ and ‘White America’, the sustained political narrative of these tracks is unprecedented. It seems that Eminem is aligning his own revival with that he wishes to see in the American political climate as he calls “Someone get this Aryan a sheet/Time to bury him, so tell him to prepare to get impeached”. The use of the reversed American flag on the album cover and the description of the “star-spangled spiel” in ‘Untouchable’ demonstrate Eminem’s current apathy for respecting the flag and anthem when it seems to offer no respect in return. Eminem moves from commenting on modern politics to the modern rap game in ‘Believe’ and ‘Chloraseptic’. Eminem’s take on the modern trap beat in the former could initially elicit a wince; it is simply too harsh a departure from his norm, conjuring up more of a Migos mood than a Slim Shady one. It seems the slow tempo is an attempt to overcome the critiques of his choppy flow he mentions in ‘Walk on Water’. Yet, a high point emerges in ‘Chloraseptic’ from the detailed Shady description of how he will kill the likes of limp mumble rappers with the wire of a notebook filled with their weak rhymes.

Eminem has no qualms about exploring the poisonous relationships he first narrated in ‘Love the Way You Lie’ and ‘Space Bound’, with the self-lacerating narratives of ‘River’, ‘Need Me’ and ‘Tragic Endings’ recreating such harmful pairings.  Yet, as ever, it is when Eminem explicitly turns the spotlight on himself that the effect is most dramatic. When Eminem raps “But I’m sorry Kim” in ‘Bad Husband’ you can’t help but sit up, realising the track is an apology to his twice ex-wife Kim Mathers, similar to the ‘Headlights’ apology to his mother in The Marshall Mathers LP 2. Eminem’s turbulent relationship with his high school sweetheart has been a subplot to his career, provoking some of his most violent material, and so it is astonishing to tangibly detect how dramatically he has altered.

Revival truly saves the best for last, finishing in a remarkable spectacle of raw emotion. The closing one-two punch of ‘Castle’ and ‘Arose’ again shows how Eminem is most arresting when he goes deep within himself. ‘Castle’ is told as a series of letters to Eminem’s daughter Hailie, complete with the background sound effects of pencil scribbling on paper, reminiscent of ‘Stan’. Eminem jumps from his perspective before her birth, before moving to the height of his fame, and lastly to the moment he overdosed on methadone in 2007: at the track’s close the silence is punctuated by the sound of pills being swallowed and Eminem collapsing. What follows is one of Eminem’s most powerful and poignant songs to date. The reality of the moment in hospital spills out as he recounts how “I go to make a fist, but I can’t make one, I’m frozen stiff/I yell, but nothing comes out, I’m crying inside, I shout”. The album title is strongly felt here as the beat switches back to ‘Castle’ once Eminem insists “to rewrite a mistake, I’m rewinding the tape”. Compared to the close of the previous track, ‘Arose’ ends with the sound of a toilet flushing.

Eminem is often defiantly vulnerable, ready to point out his own failings before others have the chance, as shown in the climactic rap battle of 8 Mile. The emotion and power of Revival are largely owing to his willingness to pick the scabs of his pressures and insecurities while remaining linguistically agile. After all, who doesn’t love a good geometry pun: “This love triangle left us in a wreck, tangled”.

The culture of Homecoming, from a student’s eyes

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The return home is an essential element of any adventure story. After all the action has been played out, the protagonist must return to where they came from. Homecoming is a common experience for all people this time of year. For many students it is the first time one returns from the eight weeks of crushing neurosis that is Michaelmas, as lifeless and bedraggled as Coleridge’s homebound Ancient Mariner. For some, returning home may be a comforting experience but for others it is all parts as confusing and horrifying as the adventure itself.

The journey home in some stories goes unexamined, pushed to epilogues and closing scenes, but some of the most riveting culture focuses on the journey home alone. One of the earliest cultural works ever, Homer’s ‘Odyssey’, is at its heart about homecoming, this year’s groundbreaking ‘Twin Peaks: The Return’ likewise.

The journey home can be as treacherous as the adventure itself, not through logistical challenges but haunted by psychological trauma of what one returns from. Mistakes and missed opportunities, lost friends and new enemies replay in our minds as we think about the term that was. Odysseus confronted his demons in the underworld, coming face to face with those he left behind at Troy, the Ancient Mariner is haunted by the ghosts of his crewmembers, an albatross upon his neck weighs the fatal mistake he made.

Returning home may be like waking from a dream, as one awakens our brains must adjust to the reality we are confronted with. No longer are meals prepared for us, all destinations a brisk stroll away and, like Dale Cooper, we must learn to act human again after living in a fantasy land for so long. We must wrap our term into a narrative bow, with a defined ending and beginning, just like Odysseus on Scheria, when the truth may not be so neat.

However, home itself can often present the greatest challenge of all. The returned student is a stranger in a familiar land, both the student and their home forever changed. No one leaves an Oxford term unchanged, the onslaught of deadlines and rough nights leaving a new scar every time. Having caught up to the speed of light pace of life crammed into eight weeks, a returned student finds the comfort of home, agrarian or urban, to be viscous and dull.

The homebound student fears that home has changed against their wishes too. Betrayal hides around every corner, where friends forget and family patronise. Just as Bilbo Baggins returns to find his home auctioned off, one fears returning home to find all they cherished — friendships, stomping grounds, and heirlooms — thrown away. One may turn to paranoia, attacking friends and family, as Odysseus attacks his unwanted guests, in an act of unreasonable cruelty.

More realistically however, home will most likely become a nameless place. As the years go by and people move on, architecture and landscape may remain but its soul will slip away. Dale Cooper returns to Twin Peaks after 25 years only to find that everyone he was searching for has disappeared, how long until you will find the same?

Returning home is a minefield, full of trauma both at what you return from and what you return to. Talk to your diaspora of Oxford friends, find culture that depicts the experience of homecoming and take comfort that you are not alone: homecoming is a nightmare.

Jingle hell: a Grinch’s guide to Christmas

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Ah, Christmas time.

“Excellent,” the shopkeepers say, “Tis’ the season for spending!”

“Hurray!” the children cheer, “Santa is coming!”

“Oh Christ,” every other ordinary person utters, “Let the complete obliteration of my dignity commence.”

The road to the New Year is a long one, littered with obstacles and paper hats. But fear not – help is at hand in the form of these six survival tips.

1. RELATIVES. The tinny throb of a Ford Fiesta spells the imminent arrival of undesirable individuals. The addition of little people into the mix adds a new dimension of difficulty. Not only do they have an unappealing habit of shooting fluids out of their facial orifices, but if you haven’t bought them what they want (i.e. a life-size plush Harry Styles or various items of foam weaponry) then the turd will hit the suspended air-filter in the most spectacular fashion.

How to survive – Resist the urge to hit little Henry over the head with his new hardback edition of Hairy Maclary and give him a giant Toblerone – they work wonders in stopping tantrums. If seated between your partner’s parents at the dinner table, take extra caution with the Christmas crackers – you run the risk of chronic elbow injury and blinding your future in-laws with a rogue spinning top or stencil set.

2. CHRISTMAS TREES. Piles of pine needles all over the carpet, which then find their way into socks and are inhaled by dogs, may lead to mild canine congestion.

How to survive – Feel no shame in rockin’ around your Homebase acrylic Nordic Spruce. If you do plump for the real deal though, disposing of it can be a nightmare. Either burn the bushy bastard or plant it neatly in your garden…then Rex can continue putting presents under it all year round.

3. THE QUEEN’S SPEECH. What’s with this? You’re just tucking into your roasted road-kill from Lidl when this regal party-pooper turns up.

How to survive – This one’s easy: don’t watch it. As soon as you hear the first parps of the royal fanfare, make a majestic dive for the ‘mute’ button. It’s also worth noting that Channel 4 broadcast their ‘alternative speech’ each year. Previous speakers have included Edward Snowden, Sharon Osbourne and Ebola survivor William Pooley, i.e. people who’ve actually done stuff rather than lolled about in a pastel two-piece feeding Corgis with titbits of antelope loin.

4. DEALING WITH DRUNK PARENTS. This situation occurs every year, but is never anything short of harrowing. Last Christmas, my friend’s mother was grabbed and snogged by the husband of one of her friends, right in front of the man’s wife. Apparently, prising them apart was like trying to remove an octopus from a high-suction hoover-nozzle.

How to survive – Before it gets to the stage where Graham’s wrestling the Christmas tree to the ground, break out the non-alcoholic wine. Make sure to do so discreetly, however – you run the risk of having your neck garrotted with a string of twinkly lights.

5. FOOD. Christmas dinner is notoriously slow to cook, which leaves plenty of time for absent-minded cashew nut consumption. Mince pies also declare war on humanity and bolster the UK wholesale of gastric bands.

How to survive – Accept the fact that you’re going to end up looking like a pregnant Pillsbury Doughboy. Don’t buy a Christmas pudding and a cake – your love affair with both is passionate, but in the end there is only room for one in your heart (and your stomach).

6. SHOPPING. It’s like God wanted to punish us for all of our mortal sins by forcing us to traipse around towns in our quests for novelty bird-feeders.

How to survive – Shop online! In the comforting realm of the Internet you can merrily fill up your metaphorical basket without interacting with a single human. However, if a shopping-trip is unavoidable, allow for regular pit-stops to sample cranberry Stilton and use the M&S facilities. Allow an extra minute for missing the exit in the Debenhams revolving door. About half an hour into your miserable excursion, you’ll start flagging. Be sure to exit TopShop before you reach the ‘zombie’ stage or you may be mistaken for one of the shop assistants. Also, start saving in October – purchasing slipper socks and scented candles will push you to near bankruptcy.

Follow these tips, and you should just about be able to make it through the recurrent nightmare that is Christmas…good luck.

Oxford academics condemn “polemical and simplistic” research

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Academics and students across Oxford have united in condemnation of a controversial research project, accusing it of seeking to justify British colonialism.

Almost 60 Oxford academics have now signed an open letter that attacks Nigel Biggar’s ‘Ethics and Empire’ as “too polemical and simplistic”, while the Oxford Centre for Global History has sought to distance itself from his research. 

But the University has again defended Biggar, emphasising the “fundamental importance” of academic freedom in its recent statement.

The open letter – written by Oxford scholars specialising in the history of empire and colonialism – claims the project “asks the wrong questions, using the wrong terms, and for the wrong purposes”.

They insisted “neither we nor Oxford’s students in modern history will be engaging with the ‘Ethics and Empire’ programme, since it consists of closed, invitation-only seminars”.

Professor Biggar  Regius Professor of Moral and Pastoral Theology at Christ Church – attacked the letter as “collective online bullying”, saying none of the academics had “the courage or sense of collegial responsibility” to raise their concerns in person”.

He added any of the academics would be at liberty to refuse an invitation to the exclusive workshops, but they “would not close the discussion down. They do not have the right to control how I, or anyone else, thinks about these things”.

The Oxford Centre for Global History said they were “not involved in Professor Biggar’s workshop or project”. Instead, they stressed that their programmes engaged critically with the “complex legacies of colonialism”, moving beyond “the problematic notion of a balance sheet of empires’ advantages and disadvantages”.

The Oxford University Africa Society also waded in, saying: “The Africa Society categorically rejects these latest attempt at colonial apologism, yearning and re-justification through the pursuit of dishonest scholarship by Biggar and associates.”

The society decried what they described as attempts to “rig these workshops by wholly excluding critical scholars”. They nonetheless clarified that they had no interest in attending “Biggar’s bigoted workshops”, as he had “already proved himself incapable” while defending Cecil Rhodes in a debate at the Oxford Union.

In response to the open letter, a University spokesperson said: “It eloquently illustrates an alternative perspective on empire taken by other University academics in related but different fields.

“Argument and differing approaches to topics are to be expected in an environment with many different disciplines and where the robustness and good health of academic freedom is fundamentally important.”

The furore follows the debate surrounding an article written by Biggar in The Times, entitled ‘Don’t feel guilty about our colonial history’, in which he claimed we should “moderate our post-imperial guilt”.

The article provoked a statement of opposition from student group Common Ground, which drew attention to Biggar’s joint leadership of the ‘Ethics and Empire’ project. The other academic in charge, John Darwin, withdrew from the project on Sunday for personal reasons.

The McDonald Centre – the University organisation which runs the programme – describes the project as “a series of workshops to measure apologias and critiques of empire against historical data from antiquity to modernity across the globe”.

As reported last week, a University spokesperson defended Biggar’s suitability for the role, stating that Oxford supports “academic freedom of speech”, and that the history of empire is a “complex topic” that must be considered “from a variety of perspectives”.

They said: “This is a valid, evidence-led academic project and Professor Biggar, who is an internationally-recognised authority on the ethics of empire, is an entirely suitable person to lead it.”

 

Professor Biggar said that participation in the project is by invitation only “so as to enable focused reflection and sustained discussion on important matters by a necessarily small and select group of relevant experts”.

He added that the “current illiberal climate” means that “such discussion is only possible in private, because the ideological enemies of free speech and thought would disrupt it, were it to be held in public”.