Saturday 25th April 2026
Blog Page 865

Balliol accused of bowing to “anti-colonial” pressure by moving Viceroy’s portrait

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Balliol have moved an imperial statesman’s portrait out of their hall, prompting accusations of “anti-colonial” motives.

The 1913 oil painting of George Curzon – the former Viceroy of India and British Foreign Secretary – hung in Balliol’s main hall for decades. It was taken down early last year at the height of the student decolonisation movement, though the college insisted this was purely for maintenance work.

However, despite the repairs being completed earlier this year, the painting was not returned to the hall. Instead, the portrait has been moved into the office of history professor Martin Conway.

Nigel Biggar – a theology professor at Christ Church – accused Balliol of submitting to “anti-imperial ideology”, though the college insist that the painting still “hangs prominently in a busy teaching area.”

The portrait initially disappeared at the the height of the debate sparked by the Rhodes Must Fall movement last year. Both Balliol undergraduates and graduates passed motions demanding the removal of the colonialist’s statue from Oriel.

Balliol’s JCR motion, which passed by seventy votes to twelve, included the line: “Balliol has its own colonialist, George Curzon, honoured with a painting hung in Hall.”

Despite the growing student concern, college authorities claimed the painting was removed purely for cleaning and repair work.

Last summer, the Master of Balliol, Sir Drummond Bone, reassured a descendant of the former Viceroy that, despite “the heat generated over statues in Oxford”, the painting was undergoing conservation work.

This maintenance was completed at a cost of £3,200 earlier this year.

Professor Biggar – who last week was criticised by almost 60 Oxford academics for his defence of the British Empire’s moral legacy – said: “Oxford colleges are full of overwhelmingly male portraits, so there is a case for more diversity.

“But I would object if there is a general stripping of our walls of any memory of our imperial past. Our past is full of things, some of which we can be proud, and Curzon was a great man in many respects.

“But right now colleges are vulnerable to anti-imperialist ideology, which is shared by some senior members. If Curzon disappears into some back office, I would strongly suspect that political correctness and a too-uncritical deference to anti-colonialist ideology would be the reason.”

A Balliol spokesperson said: “The painting hangs prominently in a busy teaching area for historians, where it often stimulates informed historical discussion and debate among students and academics. It is therefore absurd to allege the portrait has been removed from sight to avoid any controversy about Lord Curzon and his time.

“The painting was in a very bad state of repair two years ago and had to be sent away from the college for restoration work to ensure its survival.”

Curzon’s portrait was replaced by four smaller portraits of women painted by Emily Carrington Freeman, an undergraduate studying fine art. It was the first time a current student’s work had been hung in the hall.

Gender pronouns matter, especially at school

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Joshua Sutcliffe, a teacher at an Oxford secondary school, was recently suspended for referring to a transgender student as a girl as opposed to a boy. The act of misgendering was revealed to the public through a complaint launched by the parent of the student. Given that the case is currently under investigation, it may be worth taking a step back and reflecting upon the dangers of misgendering in general.

Misgendering is often deeply discomforting and potentially triggering for trans individuals. For individuals who have openly come out as trans, it may be associated with memories of historical abuses directed towards the individuals on the misguided perceptual, socially constructed basis that they are somehow ‘deviant’ or ‘misfits’ with respect to cisheteronormative gender expectations.

Alternatively, it may be correlated with specific traumatic episodes of transphobic bullying, violence, and harassment, such that the act of misgendering could instigate flashbacks that are vivid and excruciating to bear for affected individuals. Even in its least harmful form, misgendering actively reminds the subject of the days prior to their coming out or coming to terms with their self-identification, more often than not featuring deeply rooted feelings of dissonance and anxiety.

For individuals in the closet, misgendering serves to reinforce the controlling images that police their behaviours, actions, speech, and thought – making coming forth with their gender identities highly difficult. Trans students are particularly vulnerable, given their situation within power structures that are often difficult to navigate and obstinate towards recognising their identities.

Secondly, misgendering transforms spaces into actively hostile environments, through signaling that the intimate identities of trans individuals are up for debate and questioning.

Imagine studying or working in an environment where despite repeated attempts to establish your name to your friends, your friends insist on calling you – not by abbreviations or names that are even proximate to your own – but by a name that you deeply and repulsively dislike. Now imagine that the name they call you shapes the attitudes and expectations they hold towards you, as well as policing the interactions between you and your friends.

Misgendering signals to trans individuals, as the above plausibly may to you, that their gender identities are neither decided by nor controllable by them; that the majoritarian whims can dictate whether they are accorded with the most basic respect to which every human being is entitled. It erases the voices and autonomy of trans individuals, by articulating the bigoted view that their most intimate preferences and values do not matter. It suggests that their very existence could be ignored at the whims of callous external bodies.

More fundamentally, the process renders spaces unwelcoming for trans individuals. It makes the trans student in your class less likely to come forth with answers or questions, because they fear being shunned and humiliated in front of the rest of the class. It renders the trans worker in your workplace emotionally drained and apprehensive of working in a group, because group work – to them – implies a continuous uphill battle against repeated prescription of an erroneous gender identity upon them.

Finally, misgendering exerts substantial pressure on trans individuals to engage in the emotionally exhaustive labour of performing their gender. In more conservative settings, this may be the performance of the gender to which they are assigned at birth (and feel deeply incongruous to). This is actively harmful, as it forces trans individuals to suppress their true identities and continually enact rituals and performances that are contrived at best, and self-deprecating at worst. The exhaustion comes from the need to maintain an external appearance that is so fundamentally antithetical to whom they really are.

What can be done? For starters, let’s do away with the egregious association of gender pronouns with the ongoing free speech battle concerning ‘offense’ on campuses. Much like safe spaces and trigger warnings, gender pronouns are not about free speech and most definitely not about what is often trivialised by conservatives as ‘offense-seeking snowflake culture’. Not misgendering others isn’t a matter of ‘PC culture’ – it’s a matter of basic decency. In a liberal society, there exist certain baselines that we accept that we never cross. Not misgendering others should be one of them; encouraging individuals to use the correct pronouns would be a step in the right direction.

Melodrama Review: honest without being embarrassing

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Lorde’s aptly named Melodrama captures the period after clichéd teenage years but before adulthood, taking the neurotic theatrics we associate with millennials and painting them as considered and uncontrived. It makes the drama of parties, break-ups, hook-ups, and hangovers seems profound and finds an honesty you can listen to without feeling embarrassed.

Excluding the maturer “Liability” and “Writer in the Dark”, the album’s subject matter is lyrically jaded with the knowledge of how ‘first world problem’ it is. The lead single “Green Light,” leads into “Sober,” but we aren’t given the party that precedes sobriety till later. All the songs are told in a sort of bitter-sweet hindsight.

Otherwise ‘cheesy’ songs like “The Louvre” and Supercut” are simply too self-aware to be so. Lyrics of young love like “sweetheart,” and “quiet afternoon crush,” are ironised against “psychopathic crush,” and “violent overnight rush,” so as to avoid being too sickly-sweet. These anthemic declarations of love fade into the “Boom Boom Boom” of music heard through club walls onto the street. Even the most tender heartbreak in “Hard Feelings,” fades into a rogue upbeat pop tune – one moment comforting, the next telling you ‘get over it.’ It’s one of many disclaimers that this is not just a Generation Y album. This sentiment is put most bluntly in the album’s eponymous track, the biggest nod to its self-awareness. What did we expect of the album? Lorde reminds us: “We told you this was melodrama.”

These melodramas of twenty-somethings are pitched against the ‘bigger picture.’ In “Homemade Dynamite” a drop coincides with the sound of a fired-gun. But the ‘drop’ is more like a bubble popping than a speaker exploding. The speaker does explode in the final track “Perfect Places,” with a gun being cocked alongside the chorus. Representative of the whole album the song details the familiar house parties we attend to avoid real world problems like those of 2016-17. Instead of being ‘young and free’, Lorde describes a generation “young and ashamed.” Lorde herself wanted to create something “pop and obvious (that also) feels profound.”

Melodrama has a unique ability to make drunk antics sound as deep and unironic as they feel at the time. As far as subdued-pop albums aimed at twenty-somethings go, Melodrama is considered but not neurotic; honest but not whiny; open but not embarrassing, and as far 2017 albums go, commercially successful but deeply underrated. 

12 books to get you through 2018

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JanuaryWhy Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson

“Rigidity never works; we end up being the wrong size for our world.”

At the beginning of a new year we often set impossible standards for ourselves, believing happiness will be attained by losing that stubborn kilo. Winterson’s childhood autobiography reminds us we should be less hard on ourselves and choose paths we want to follow, not those others draw for us in the sand.

FebruaryDespair by Vladimir Nabokov

“If I were not perfectly sure of my power to write and of my marvellous ability to express ideas with the utmost grace and vividness…”

So opens Nabokov’s hysterical story of a man who plots his own murder. Whilst February marks ‘Valentine’s Day,’ a traditional celebration of deflated expectations, you certainly won’t be left despairing.

MarchThe Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving

“Keep passing the open windows.”

This is the mantra of the Berry family who decide to open a hotel. A book of hilarity and tragedy, from New Hampshire to Vienna and back to New York, The Hotel New Hampshire will stay with you long after you have read the last page.

AprilAcademy Street by Mary Costello

“She did not know how to reassemble herself.”

Costello tells the life-story of a young Irish Catholic woman, Tess, who moves to New York. Her life in the Big Apple is lonely and insignificant until she finds herself pregnant from a one night stand. This novella is about the measure of love and the measure of a life. It attempts to equate the two.

MayThe Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

“You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed.”

If you’re feeling especially brave/European – read in French for the genuine experience. This book may break your heart but it will also put it back together again.

JuneSelf Portrait by Man Ray

“We cannot revive something that is alive just as we cannot revive anything that is dead.”

A surprisingly evocative autobiography, Self Portrait is both factual and imaginative. Ray is technical and lyrical in telling the story of his art, and by extension, his own self.

JulyThe Collector by John Fowles

“Sometimes losing is winning.”

Though The Collector has now become an emblem of human darkness, perhaps as a result of the movie franchise which developed around it, we should not forget that this novel is alive with human heat and light: passion.

AugustThe Tiger’s Wife by Téa Obreht

Obreht journeys us through the landscape of Yugoslavian mythology. Her allusive narrative does not allow itself to be pinned down despite the rich history of her characters. We learn there is always some fact to be found in fiction.

SeptemberMemoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

“This is why dreams can be such dangerous things: they smoulder on like a fire does, and sometimes they consume us completely.”

Hope. That is the feeling which one takes away from this novel. Hope, above all. Hope, in the face of every kind of natural (or man-made) disaster. Golden’s portrait of a Geisha powerfully combines history and art as he narrates the life of Chiyo, who continuously strives to maintain her identity in a world which forces different masks upon her.

OctoberM Train by Patti Smith

“Not all dreams need to be realised.”

M Train is the older sister of the acclaimed Just Kids, and becomes a representation of time and self which surpasses Smith’s own expectations of her work. October is a time of change and welcoming the next season. Though trees change colour and lose their leaves, this period of reconstruction can be magical and beautiful. At this time we should congratulate ourselves for being able to revel in grief and loss.

NovemberWhite Oleander by Janet Fitch

“One can survive anything. The pain we cannot bear will kill us outright.”

This used to be my favourite book. White Oleander is a troubled and mesmerising story about a girl, Astrid, who moves between different foster homes after her mother murders her lover. It is rich with pain and passion and even a little bit of faith.

DecemberThe Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

“To say ‘I love you,’ one must first be able to say the ‘I.’”

Christmas is a time of giving and celebrating the life you have made for yourself among family and friends. These are perhaps powerful and relevant words to carry you into the New Year and remember the one which has just passed. The Fountainhead is the story of the will of one conflicting with the will of many; do not lose yourself at Christmas.

An open letter to Santa

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Dear Mister Claus,

Most years, I’d be sending you a list of presents, and assurances that I’ve been well-behaved. Well hold your horses/reindeer, because this isn’t most years. This year, I’m a woke Oxonian. This year, I have purpose. This year, I’m done being nice, and this year, I’m putting you on the naughty list.

I believe the time has come to reform the outdated workings of Christmas. To that end, I present to you the Five Theses – they’re like the 95 Theses, except there are fewer of them, they’re not written by a German monk, and they’re directed at you.

  1. Stop giving coal to naughty children. It is frankly an irresponsible waste of the Earth’s finite resources. Have some compassion and leave the exploitation of fossil fuels in 2017. I mean not all of us have reindeer-power to rely on. The rest of us need coal. It is the cornerstone of modern life, and without it our lives would grind to a halt. But here you are, giving a scarce commodity to spoilt kids who have done nothing to deserve it. I suggest you think again. Don’t make the world suffer for the actions of bratty kids, you thoughtless bearded twit.
  2. Develop a keener and more active interest in the wellbeing of reindeer. Apparently polar bears aren’t the only arctic creatures whose lives you delight in ruining. Did you know the typical diet of reindeer includes lichen, willow, and birch? Clearly not, because you remain apathetic while year after year, all people provide for the poor creatures is carrots, with no lichen in sight. If you’re going to make reindeer do all your legwork, at least make sure they’re fed correctly. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, you stood by silently while Rudolph was harassed for years for a physical feature over which he had no control. Then you decided to force him (and the other reindeer) into dangerous, unpaid labour when you deemed it convenient? And you’re the one passing moral judgements on the world’s children?
  3. Find better, less invasive ways to monitor good or bad behaviour. Watching children while they’re sleeping is never a positive. Given that you’re an old man doing it in preparation for climbing down said children’s chimneys in the dead of night, I’m surprised you haven’t been the subject of a lawsuit. Did you not watch Spotlight? Connection to the Catholic Church is no longer a sufficient cover-up for this kind of behaviour.
  4. Have a little dignity. You were supposed to be a bishop. A bishop. You were supposed to wear a bishop’s mitre and everything. But a glance at the history books will tell us that after Thomas Nast drew a cartoon of you in a red suit, and the Coca-Cola company standardised the image as part of their advertising campaign, you adopted that as your trademark look. Supposedly, you safeguard the moral character of the nation’s children…but all you are is a commercialised sell-out. You have about as much substance as the Michelin Man, and he’s just supposed to sell tires.
  5. Do something about the mistletoe. You may not have been responsible for the mistletoe tradition, but as the face of Christmas, do you not feel an obligation to deal with the fact that every year, millions of people hang toxic plants all over their homes? And when I say toxic, I mean it in many ways. Firstly, it creates uncomfortable situations in which people are forced to kiss each other without explicit consent as a result of overwhelming social pressure thinly veiled as ‘tradition’. Secondly, it’s literally poisonous. What if a child swallows it accidentally? Or is that just how you whittle down the naughty list?

Having addressed these demands, you should move on to ensuring your elves are paid the National Living Wage.

Happy Christmas,

Meha

All Souls plans plaque to mark donor’s slavery links

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All Souls College has commissioned a ‘memorial tablet’ outside the Codrington Library in recognition of the slaves owned by the building’s benefactor.

Codrington, a sugar plantation magnate from Barbados, left part of his fortune to the college in 1710 to establish the library, and has become the latest in a series of colonial icons to be held under scrutiny by academics and students at the University.

The idea of erecting a plaque arose from a conference held at All Souls in October last year to discuss Codrington’s legacy with members of the local community, and consultation for the project included campaigners and a descendant of one of those enslaved by Codrington.

In its planning application to Oxford City Council, Dr Sarah Beaver, the domestic bursar at All Souls, said that the plaque is intended to “serve as a reminder” that “Codrington’s wealth was derived in large part from estates which were dependent on slave labour”.

The plans have emerged after the University faced controversy over the academic Nigel Biggar defending certain aspects of colonialism in an article for The Times last week.

Common Ground Oxford, the student campaign group which headed much of the criticism of Biggar, said that although they “welcome all efforts to confront Oxford’s colonial past”, they were critical of its overall significance.

A spokeswoman told Cherwell: “The decision to erect a small plaque outside of the library seems a semantic and peripheral change relative to the centrality of Codrington’s statue in the heart of All Souls’ academic space.”

The group have called upon All Souls to take further action to confront its colonial legacy, including the renaming of the Codrington library and for the statue of Codrington, which is currently displayed in the centre of the library, to be moved to a museum.

Common Ground told Cherwell that while the statue remains, the college remains “a living contradiction” and presents “a warped, whitewashed view of Codrington and his legacy”.

All Souls College has said they have no current plans to remove the statue.

Life Divided: Christmas Films

For: Julia Alsop

‘Buddy the Elf, what’s your favourite colour?’

‘keep the change, you filthy animal’

Like it or not, from November onwards you’ll be hearing iconic quotes from cheesy Christmas movies always and everywhere. Embrace it or Crimbo will be miserable for you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as cynical as any other Oxford Humanities student. RomComs make me cringe, and I’m definitely not a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda. Yet somehow, if you stick some tinsel and a child’s hopeful wish to Santa in the plot, I become an over-emotional, warm-hearted believer (I’m not even ashamed).

So what makes Christmas films different? There’s the twinkly lights and snowy scenes, the childhood-themed nostalgia (Is that the Polar Express’ bell ringing?), the sentimental soundtracks, and even Donald Trump’s cameo in ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’, which now gets a sad chuckle. But overall it’s the melting of the protagonists’ hard hearts that warms my icy soul into submission.

Just when you’re all Oxmas-ed out, December hits and you begin feeling Scroogey, telling your family that you’ve ‘basically done Christmas anyway’. So you sit wrapped up in your duvet cocoon, clutching a hot chocolate (with the necessary shot of Baileys), and whack on The Grinch. Go ahead, admit you identify with him. How could you not?

Following Michaelmas term, you, like all the Christmas protagonists, will be irritable and simply intolerant of festive spirit. But like the protagonists, you can’t avoid magically realising the importance of family time (except with that one weird cousin), rather than quality time with your reading list. We all do it anyway, but the plots of Christmas movies give you actual permission to prioritise fun over work. Above all, unlike (dumb) RomComs, the morals are always ‘wholesome’ and not just about falling in love with some pretty person who isn’t quite as vain as they initially seem to be (yawn).

The nostalgia of Christmas films mean that, even if it is objectively an awful film(‘Nativity 2’ I’m looking at you), watching the same ones year after year become a ritualistic and romanticised part of the festive season. I freely admit that I become basic as soon as 1st December comes around, but to watch the romance of Buddy and Jovie unfold or to witness Macaulay Culkin take down the Wet Bandits has to make you feel festive. Oh, and controversial opinion, but this excludes Love Actually. We all know that that film is ridiculous.

Against: Dominic Tomlinson

I’m not trying to sound like a Grinch, but I have to be honest. Christmas movies are pretty terrible.

I love Christmas as much as the next person, and although I’m no expert, I’m a huge fan of Cinema too – this is why the constant loop of ‘festive’ films that litter our screens over the holidays fills me with anything but the holiday spirit. Of course once in while there will be a classic – I’m not against ‘It’s a wonderful life’, ‘Elf’ or ‘Die Hard’ (objectively a Christmas movie) – but Christmas movies are generally appalling.

The worst Christmas films tend to be so bad for all the same reasons. Firstly, they’re so lazily formulaic that a room of typewriting apes are no doubt halfway through the latest caper. In summary, Vince Vaughn and Cameron Diaz will be a hapless married couple, inviting the in-laws for a calm, controlled Christmas day, only for it to all go wrong and hilarity to ensue. Believe it or not, most of these films aren’t written by primates – ‘Christmas with the Kranks’ is even based on a John Grisham story – yet their plots rarely extend beyond the level of intrigue and complexity you’d find in a Christmas cracker joke.

Yes, other genres suffer from predicable and formulaic plots (we’re all thinking of horror films here), but at least they’re nowhere near as sickeningly sentimental as Christmas films. They’re so saccharin they make a Mars bar seem as bitter as a recently divorced lemon spending Christmas day with a ready-meal and a bottle of gin. Happy endings belong in a family film, but there’s no need for the not-so-subtle lesson that any trial can be overcome by the spirit of Christmas, love and family. Haven’t these people heard of tequila?

Also, thinking about it, most of these films don’t really have anything to do with Christmas. Instead, the plot has had fairy lights and tinsel draped onto it, and some poorly-paid set designer has stuck a fir tree in the background. Oh, and of course it’s snowing. But why would they do this? Well my naive little friend, to make money out of us overly-nostalgic nitwits of course. ‘Love Actually’ could take place at any time of the year, but would it have had a fraction of its box-office success? I think not. The hard truth is that these films are guaranteed a large enough audience from those who are already on a Christmas high.

Of course you can’t avoid watching Christmas films (I challenge you to try). But please choose wisely. Unless you do actually, genuinely love ‘Surviving Christmas’, in which case, who am I to judge… (judging you).

The shameful truth about Churchill

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The British people love Winston Churchill. To most of us, Churchill represents triumph in the face of all odds; of plucky little Britain’s ability to defeat Nazism and, in many ways, to save the world. He has been heroically depicted in everything from Doctor Who to Young Indiana Jones and with two major biopics about Winston Churchill released within the last six months, it comes as no surprise that a BBC poll found him to be ‘The Greatest Briton of All Time’.

However, despite the noble and heroic character popularised in European and American media, Churchill’s role as leader of the British Empire, which was directly responsible for four million Indian deaths, is woefully ignored in Britain. For a fifth of the world’s population however, it is the single action for which Churchill is most infamous. Madhusree Mukherjee’s recent book, ‘Churchill’s secret war’ reveals the true extent of both his racism and his involvement in the Bengal famine of 1943.

Only two hundred years previously, Bengal – the fertile region in Eastern India and Bangladesh – had been the economic heart of the great Mughal empire. Known as The Paradise of Nations, the region accounted for 12% of the world economy and boasted better wages and living standards than anywhere in Europe. However, as the East India Company, and later the British crown, began to exert power over the region, it’s wealth was sent off to Britain, leading the region into a period of slow relative decline.

In 1943 a famine hit. The Second World War was in full flow and Bengal, now predominantly agrarian – a result of two centuries of forced colonial deindustrialisation – was hit with a major shortage of food. It was in the midst of this famine that the British government, fearing a Japanese attack, enacted a scorched earth policy across Bengal, burning boats and fields of crops en masse, to ensure that the Japanese would not be able to hold the land. But, the Japanese never arrived.

Hoarding began and soon starvation gave way to cholera, dysentery, malaria and smallpox. The British government held large reserves of wheat, and this would have been an obvious time to use them, yet despite it being a direct result of colonial policies in the region, no help was given to the victims of the famine. Indeed, Churchill, the British prime minister at the time, ordered that the Indian food reserves be diverted to buffer reserve stocks in countries such as Greece instead. Historians Professor Christopher Bayly and Tim Harper write in their 2005 book “The prime minister believed that Indians were the next worst people in the world after the Germans. Their treachery had been plain in the Quit India movement. The Germans he was prepared to bomb into the ground. The Indians he would starve to death as a result of their own folly and viciousness.”

Mukherjee explains how Churchill refused to send aid to Bengal, or indeed let others help, ‘in spite of repeated appeals from two successive Viceroys, Churchill’s own Secretary of State for India and even the President of the United States’. In response to a telegram from Delhi regarding the millions dying of starvation due to the famine, Churchill simply asked “Why isn’t Gandhi dead yet”.

I hate Indians,” he proclaimed to Leopold Amery, the Indian Secretary of State. “They are a beastly people with a beastly religion.” The famine was their own fault for “breeding like rabbits”.

By the time the famine ended, an estimated 4 million people had died, three times more than during the Rwandan Genocide. That autumn, food stockpiles in the United Kingdom swelled to 18.5 million tonnes.

Despite the mass of films about Winston Churchill’s youth, his physical health and his relationships with his family, there is yet to be a single film revolving around his relationship to empire and the Indian Subcontinent. His reputation as saviour and embodiment of British values has yet to take into account his role as leader of the largest empire the world has ever seen.

With post-Brexit Britain relying so heavily on its relationships with the Commonwealth, it is more important than ever for us to address our shared colonial past. To many in the Indian subcontinent, Churchill’s reputation is parallel to that of Hitler in Europe. Indeed, prominent Indian politician Shashi Tharoor has proclaimed, “This is the man who the British insist on hailing as some apostle of freedom and democracy, when to my mind he is really one of the more evil rulers of the 20th century, only fit to stand in the company of the likes of Hitler, Mao and Stalin”.

The Bengal Famine is not the only smear on Churchill’s reputation. Further cited ‘war crimes’ include the bombing of Dresden, the handing over of the whole Eastern block to the USSR and the awarding of £26,000 (over a millions pounds today) to Brigadier Dyer, the mastermind behind the brutal Amritsar massacre.

And yet, in September 2016, only eight months after the Oxford Union voted in favour of tearing down the statue of Cecil Rhodes from the walls of Oriel college, Winston Churchill’s face crept onto every five pound note in the country. This new move attracted no controversy.

A year and a half on and two popular biopics later, Churchill is still widely regarded as ‘The Greatest Briton of All Time’. Once again it is time for the British to look in the mirror and begin questioning its Imperial past.

 

Some sage seasonal advice from the Secret College Footballer

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Like many of Europe’s other elite football competitions, Oxford college football takes a winter break. This provides a chance to recover from the intensity of the Michaelmas fixture list, and to prepare for the crunch games of Hilary: league title deciders, the latter stages of cuppers, etc. Apart from that, though, the problem faced by many college footballers is how exactly to fill the five-week hiatus over the Christmas period.

Five weeks is a painfully long time to go without football, especially for players used to churning out two performances a week. The void that college football leaves behind over the vac can be enough to send a player’s morale into a downward spiral, as they gaze longingly at their team’s Facebook page, waiting in desperate anticipation for that post that never arrives. Every notification sends them scrambling for their phone, hoping against hope that the cancelled Hassan’s Cup match has in fact been rescheduled for Christmas Eve. Of course, even if this were the case, they’re back home, on the other side of the country. Out of the Oxford bubble, they’ve never felt more stifled.

At times, the withdrawal symptoms can be quite shocking, with some players working themselves into such a state that they mistake their own family members for the (fabricated) opposition. Nothing ruins Christmas morning quite like a two-footed challenge on your younger brother or sister.

The solution to this problem is actually so simple as to be almost unthinkable: just keep playing football. Going on a night out with your mates from home? Bring a ball for a kick-about; they’ll love it. Don’t fancy brussels sprouts with your Christmas dinner? Work on your technique by pinging them across the kitchen. Heading towards midnight on New Year’s without a kiss? Explain the intricacies of the offside rule to your crush, and they’ll wonder why they never found you so attractive before.

Your parents may not take too kindly to you painting white lines all over the garden lawn, but it’s important to go to any lengths necessary to replicate that matchday environment. In fact, given that the December weather is not always conducive to adequate playing surfaces, it might be worth discussing with your family the possibility of replacing the lawn with artificial turf, complete with floodlights to cope with those 4pm sunsets. The prospect of installing a main stand on the back of your house might be less likely.

Don’t let all this talk of practice and preparation get you down either, you can still enjoy the Christmas period with all its trappings. Eat and drink to your heart’s content; after all, it wouldn’t be the first game of Hilary without everyone scrambling to get match fit. As long as you can track back without chundering, you should be fine.

Indeed, Christmas is more about sliding down a hill in a sledge than it is about slide-tackling your sibling, regardless of how tempting it may seem to indulge in the latter.

Restaurant Review: Happy Friday Kitchen

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With its cosy Nordic decor and noughties throwback playlist, Happy Friday Kitchen immediately creates a genuine sense of hygge. If the low hanging lights and little, potted cacti weren’t welcoming enough, this new addition to Oxford’s vegan food scene is also home to the most adorable little dog (named Buddha, we’re told). Sitting down felt somewhat like an achievement. This is not at all because of its Cowley location, which many students may already begrudge, but because previous attempts to visit had been scuppered by a peculiarly early closing time of 8pm. ‘Happy Friday’ is definitely an apt name, as it is only from Friday to Saturday that the restaurant extends its opening hours to close at the far more convenient time of 10pm. However, our perseverance certainly paid off in the end.

The owners have heard the cries of every Oxford vegan seeking authentic comfort food. We all like a falafel wrap as much as the next person, but even we can’t deny those greasy carb cravings that creep up post-Bridge (and let’s be honest, sometimes even before). Happy Friday Kitchen has it all: the feel-good food that is so easily available to meat-eaters (burgers, pizza, fries, wings…), but sadly evades our grasp. The menu doesn’t once list the word vegan, but welcomes anyone and everyone to eat there without feeling singled out over their dietary requirements. While the drinks menu does include a choice of plant milks, even the hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows(!) is listed simply as that, and it is the perfect pick-me-up after a particularly bad tute if you ask me.

However, Happy Friday Kitchen’s star attraction is undoubtedly its cheese fries. This is the kind of smoky, nacho-style queso that vegans only dare to dream about, although the Pinterest recipes make it look so easy. Their fries come smothered in heavenly, stretchy, melted goodness, and is maximum level comfort food that erases any lingering jealousy over your mates’ cheesy chips. The quality does not slip, from the cleverly-named, ‘Meat Loathers Pizza’ featuring a ‘mozzarella’ stuffed crust and sweet BBQ sauce, down to the seitan chicken wings coated in the type of hot, sticky marinade you would hope to get from American-style food.

At Happy Friday Kitchen, there is no more need for vegans to settle. Mushrooms and bean burgers are pushed aside in favour of flavourful soy patties and seitan with great texture, and a variety of fillings from traditional mayo to the more adventurous mac ‘n’ cheese. It’s probably worth noting that there are Buddha bowls available for the more health-conscious among us, but who can resist a slice of thin crust? A burger for £12 is not unheard of in Oxford, and when it’s vegan you can’t argue with these prices.

All in all, Happy Friday Kitchen is more than worth venturing outside of the city center. When you have food like this only a bus trip away, how can you say no?