Passe Notes

Oh my god it’s in for tomorrow morning. And it’s midnight.Never fear, Google’s here. But count your blessings: because you’re at Oxford rather than the redbrick university of continual assessment it probably doesn’t count anyway. But eight hours is long enough – it’s time to kick that predatory finalist out of bed and hit the laptop.Wait, how do you know about him?The whole college knows you “passed out” in the rugby captain’s room on the third night. We covered this last week.Well he’s so mature. But ok, where do I get started with it?With the essay? Get one of the second years’ – you seem to have established a rapport with the older students already. Then swap the paragraphs around. Just make sure they’re doing your course.But my reading list…Is longer than the novel you’re writing about? Quite possibly. But don’t fear, half of it will be out of print and most of the rest will only be available in the Upper Rad. Which amounts to the same thing.How do I find the books?Well, you could use OLIS, the world’s least intuitive book-finding tool. But then again you might have more luck with a divining rod. But it’s undeniable that there’s a certain hunter-gatherer thrill to be had from cycling around Oxford with a list of cryptic shelf marks and trying to break into the St Anne’s library.I’ve written some of it, but it’s not long enough. Any suggestions?Quote widely and at length from books you haven’t read. Or from yourself. If that fails remember double spacing is another option to make it easier for your tutor to fit his comments in. In desperation try size thirteen font and a voluminous bibliography.What goes in the bibliography?The title, author and publisher of all the tomes you intended to read. And www.cyberessays.com.And I’ve heard my tutor can make me read it out loud?Certainly. It’s only if he asks you to sit on his knee and mop his fevered brow with your knickers that you have a right to decline. And at least if you’re reading your basic spelling mistakes should go undetected. But watch your pronunciation. ‘Saint John Rivers’ is not a character in Jane Eyre.Right, it’s finished, but my printer’s out of ink, the computer room is shut and the JCR IT rep had scales. It might be time to get on the phone to your jilted finalist. Unless he’s still in your bed. Although bear in mind that he might insist on an entirely different kind of ‘print job’ in return. And his cartridge is probably full.ARCHIVE: 1st week MT 2005