Small screen

Heroes of History: Guy FawkesChannel FiveBritain’s Worst…ChefChannel FiveBonfire night poses a problem for TV companies in how to approach a well-worn topic that comes round every year in a refreshing way. Channel Five highlightsthis difficulty with Heroes of History: Guy Fawkes, an uninspiringtribute to Guy Fawkes that sadly fails to go off with the bang we might have expected from fireworks night.The premise of two teenage girls wandering around historic London sites and learning about Guy Fawkes would not have been such a bad idea, were it not for the sheer irritability of the two young presenters. Their narration is punctuated with contrivedscreaming and melodramatic emotion that detracts from the story they’re trying to relate. While their colloquial speech may be an attempt to appeal to younger viewers, it simplyseems to degenerate into unintelligiblesentences not even salvaged by further shrieking. The programme descends into sheer farce when they try to convince the ridiculous, floppy haired “Ben the Bookreader” that Fawkes was set up. While their claims of Fawkes’ innocence are by no means implausible, their impetuous, foot-stamping method of arguing fails to inspire any conviction.The programme then shifts its focusto modern-day celebrations. This unfortunately cues five minutes of the two presenters professing their excitement for fireworks, culminatingin a bizarre anxiety about pressingthe button to set off a pyrotechnicdisplay. The viewers are finally granted a respite from their incessant squealing, that would better suit an overexcited preteen audience at a Westlife concert, as the camera flicks skywards and all you can hear are the explosions of the fireworks.Perhaps it is a reflection of my distortedcultural taste that I preferred Britain’s Worst…Chef. I would like to think, however, that it is more to do with the fact that Channel Five is better at producing reality TV than they are historical documentaries.This episode follows in a long line of the country’s worst husbands, hairdressers,teenagers and bosses, and sticks rigidly to the successful formula.Four hopeless cooks are brought together and set a series of tasks that will determine which of them gains the dubious mantle of being crowned the worst chef in the country. Aamong the nominees is Grismby café-worker Bev who has an “egg phobia” and is bemused when she discovers omelettesneed to be turned over to be cooked properly. Then there is the creatively minded Keith, who counts blue mashed potato and peppers stuffed with beans and peanut butter among his better concoctions.When the four chefs are asked to cook a three course meal for celebrity chef Eed Baines and five friends, disasteris foretold when Keith thinks that vegetarians can eat white meat. Aand then Stefan, head chef at a London Mexican restaurant, decides to cook the vegetables in meat juice, resultingin a hasty last minute alteration that leaves the poor vegetarian with a mountain of cous-cous decorated with avocado and grapes. Things go from bad to worse when they realise that the lady who is wheat intolerant can’t eat cous-cous.Inevitably these types of reality programmes appeal to the baser side of viewers; the side that encourages us to snigger smugly and snort with derision at the incompetence of the chefs. But they also serve as a good hour of mind-numbing entertainmentwhich leaves even the most uselessstudent cooks feeling somewhat better about themselves.ARCHIVE: 4th week MT 2005