After a rather dubious start to Freshers’ week (involving a smashed bottle of red wine and the foot of my tute partner, Pert’n’Perky), I decided to prepare a sumptuous bop costume with which to wow Gorgeous Gap Year Fresher, who I had encountered on the first day.
‘I appreciate that the theme’s “Under the Sea”, but you can’t get away with a seashell bra,’ drawled my gay best friend Danny, as we squeezed into Celebrations together.
‘Yeah, whatever,’ I snapped resentfully. ‘Help me find something amazing then…’
Seven hours later, I emerged from Danny’s room in an orange and green creation that made me look as if I’d sprouted scales all over my limbs.
‘Great,’ I hissed angrily,’ an outfit that makes me look like I’ve crawled out of a bloody swamp. I’m the least sexy fish ever!’
‘Relax, you look fine,’ said Danny absently, rubbing body lotion into his six-pack as he walked along in Speedos and a scuba diving mask. ‘Looks aren’t what count anyway…’
Once into the bop, I managed to take slight solace in the fact that no one else had dared to bare all in a seashell bra either, but Gap Year Fresher was nowhere to be seen. In an effort to distract myself from nervous thoughts about meeting him again, I decided to join in with the drinking games that were being conducted by the bar. Unfortunately, these were supervised by my surly ex-boyfriend (prone to exuberant flashes of wit when drunk and who therefore aims to remain intoxicated most of the time).
After several shots had been consumed, my head was starting to spin, that Pert’n’Perky unexpectedly entered the room, carrying off with aplomb a seashell bra and mini-sarong, despite having to limp on a bandaged right foot. Was suddenly struck with drunken remorse.
‘Must – apologise – to Perks…’ I slurred loudly, stumbling to my feet and setting off towards her with surprising speed. But Surly ex-boyfriend was on my tail.
‘Babe…’ he whined, hiccupping and reaching for my arm, ‘You totally have to stay and play…’
Desperate to escape, I lurched towards Pert’n’Perky, and accidentally shoved her. She staggered – and out of nowhere, a toned, bronzed arm appeared to steady her.
‘Thanks Jason,’ she cooed. ‘And you were such a sweetie to help me get ready this evening, especially when you had to fasten my seashell bra for me…’
Gorgeous Gap Year Fresher beamed back at her and I felt the will to live drain out of me. Barely noticed as surly ex-boyfriend determinedly steered me back to my seat.
‘Oh crap,’ I muttered, as yet another sambuca shot was plonked down in front of me.
Diary of an Oxford Scuzz
