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If I were Vice-Chancellor for a day…

…I'd turn quads into swimming pools
After careful and sustained watching of television programming in the JCR, I have come to the conclusion that what Oxford needs is swimming pools.
The cause and effect relationship between swimming pools and their surroundings has, in the past, been mistakenly analysed. It has been argued previously that swimming pools are the result of hot climates and extensive wealth but this is, in fact, not the case. The reality is that hot climates and extensive wealth are the result of swimming pools. Simply by digging a pit 50 metres long, 25 metres wide and 2 metres deep, tiling it and filling it with water, all these could be Oxford’s. Furthermore, Oxford has the perfect spaces for such constructions. At the centre of every college is at least one quad filled with useless grass (that no one can walk on anyway) and just crying out to be made into a swimming pool.
The effects of installing swimming pools in Oxford quads would be both immediate and life-changing. Firstly, the sun would come out. No longer would sunny days be the preserve of those last two weeks of Trinity, when everyone’s too busy to enjoy it anyway. No, the sun would shine on Oxford from 0th week of Michaelmas, to the beginning of the Summer Vacation. Hell, it would probably shine right through the vacations, because where there are swimming pools there has to be sun. This has benefits beyond the poolside. Gone would be the dark days of Hilary where you arrive at a tutorial soaking wet after a cycle ride from the Cowley Road. Gone would be red flags and waterlogged pitches. Gone would be the need to wear unflattering and bulky winter coats.
The second effect of pools is directly related to the first. Post-bop pallor and skin that hasn’t seen the outside of a library since a week before collections would no longer be a concern. Days spent lounging by the poolside – because it has been proven that swimming pools reduce the stresses on your time in order to allow more time to spend in or near the pool – would endow us all with golden, glowing tans. Even those of us with skin the colour of curdled milk would suddenly be as sun-kissed as a Californian cheerleader. Let’s face it, kids; no one in The OC would be caught dead without a suntan.
Thirdly, we’d all become super-fit and super-attractive. Swimming for an hour can burn up to one thousand calories. Moreover, all Oxford students would be in possession of perfect noses, vast wardrobes and chiselled cheekbones. Don’t ask me how; it happens. Such a dramatic improvement in physical attractiveness would obviously have a dramatic effect on our dreary sex lives – and what setting could be better for a bit of dangerous sex than the college pool? Just make sure your pool-style is more Marissa Cooper than Tanya Turner.
The aesthetic improvements created by installing swimming pools should stand alone as recommendation for this plan. Imagine the beautiful sight of an infinity pool running over the edge of Exeter’s Fellows Garden, down into Radcliffe Square. The deer of Magdalen would become even more spectacular when positioned next to a veritable lake of a pool, complete with wave machine. Christ Church – who, alongside Worcester, must be credited for leading the way in pool development – could submerge Tom Quad with water, keeping the original fountain as a charming centre piece.
Start petitioning your Master, Rector, Provost or Dean now. Pools, my friends, are the future.

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