When my esteemed friend asked me to write this week’s column, I decided in the name of research to go out and do some extreme investigative journalism. Reasoning that as a fully grown bisexual man who had never once slept with another gent, I figured I would overcome my inhibitions and head to Plush.
Now, I’d always imagined my first sexual experience with a guy would be romantic and tender – yet clearly this was off the cards as the moment I got a man through my front door, he dropped his trousers and uttered the affectionate phrase: ‘suck it’.
Not wishing to disappoint a fellow with such clear priorities, I made an attempt at doing so. Chaps, if you think going down on a cock is an easy and enjoyable task for your sexual partner, then you’re mistaken. There’s a reason they call it a job. Clearly my effort was all to no avail as he just grunted disapprovingly, ‘not let teeth get in the way’ (Funnily enough it’s quite hard to do that, actually, as they’re located in annoying proximity to my mouth).
I suggested we move to the bed. Obliging, he lay me down, pinned my arms to the pillow (another romantic twist) and gazed deep into my eyes as he rubbed his Member up and down on the inside of my leg. Now, of course, this quite surprised me, as it’s a move rarely seen in pornography, mainly because it’s REALLY FUCKING WEIRD. Imagine the missionary position, but without anywhere for the penis to thrust into. It could have been my elbow he’d been rubbing against. The situation was made even more awkward by the fact that he was just staring at me whilst he pinned me down – what was I supposed to do? Run my hands through his hair and scream orgasmically at the new level of pleasure he was bringing to my left thigh? I decided the safest bet was to say nothing and lie there with a look of faint encouragement. After a while he stopped the penile offensive on my undercarriage and politely informed me that he had jizzed his jizzum, and a quick investigation revealed that, yes, my left leg and duvet were now covered in hot, sticky man milk. Charming.
