Freddy walks down Turl Street, smiling and nodding to cries of “You da man!”. This has become a common occurrence in the last week – random strangers stopping to tell him how great he was on University Challenge. For a quiz show populated by the spottiest, sloped-shouldered nerds, people sure seem to find it sexy…
He has not seen or heard from Bernadette since his appearance on national TV (aka The Sign From The Gods). When he views her Facebook profile he sees they’re no longer friends. Checking her Twitter, he’s greeted by a lock icon.
Did she feel it too? The electricity as he answered those questions, those questions about her.
Reluctant to stagnate as he did the last time his heart was fractured, he heads out on a pub crawl with three men of incrementally increasing levels of obesity (his teammates). Just four nerds and a shit ton of alcohol: Lamb and Flag – pint of bitter – Eagle and Child – pint of lager – Far From The Madding Crowd – shandy – Three Goat’s Heads – Guinness – Chequers – mulled cider – The Bear – half of lager (getting messy) – St Aldate’s Tavern – pale ale, part drunk – The Royal Blenheim – whiskey. Stumbling out of the final pub, they find themselves outside Camera.
“Shall we, gents?” asks the captain, stifling a belch.
“Let’s get our game on!” screeches their walking advert for skin cream.
Bleary eyed, Freddy coughs up the club’s entry fee and is surprised to find it quite empty. His teammates wander to the bar to buy the jägerbombs they will throw up in the VIP area, but Freddy wanders, trance-like, down the oculus, into the bowels of the beast. There are a few freaks dancing in clusters down there, whilst LMFAO blares out last year’s hits. Freddy closes his eyes andsways on the spot. “I’m too drunk for this,” he thinks. “Time for bed.”
He opens his eyes, ready to leave, and sees a woman standing in front of him. She has a fierce, confrontational look in her eyes, a look he has never seen before but takes an alcohol-soaked liking to.
“You’re that kid from University Challenge, right?” He nods and she immediately grabs him by the collar, pulls him into her body and kisses him passionately.
After several long seconds, minutes, hours, they draw apart. Freddy stands like a rabbit in strobe lights as she leans in, bites his ear and whispers, “Nothing turns me on like a quiz winner…”
