The vac ends, and as you finish cramming your toothbrush into your last bag, you notice the to-do list you optimistically penned within the first few days of the Easter Vac. First bullet-point: Revise. You don’t need a pen to tick that one off. Because just like me, you’ve failed, and now you’ve got a problem.
If I were good at my job as a how-to-instructor, I would probably tell you to put down these venerable and noble pages, and get revising. But I’m not going to do that. Because then what would be the point of me writing this in the first place? So. Once you’ve finished reading this paper, get up. You’re going to need a lot of caffeine.
At this point, leisurely drinking a cup of coffee is just not going to be enough. Neither is leisurely reading. In order to get yourself sorted, you’re going to need to do a bit of role play. Nothing dodgy, but roll up your thesp sleeves. Here goes.
Imagine you are in Roppongi. Lay out 20 shot glasses down your desk. Fill each one with coffee (preferably Gold Blend). I repeat: you are in Roppongi. Now, seeing as you’re stuck in Roppongi, there is only one thing a sane person would do. Numb the pain. So now you’re going to have to shot those glasses. Well done.
Next. In order to escape from Roppongi, you are going to have to write a practice paper for the bouncer. Admittedly this is a test of faith, but you can always ask your friend to step in as faux bouncer. Anyway, before you can complete the paper, you’re going to need to prepare. With the excess coffee in your system, your heartbeat should be going. Start reading. You must finish the page before you hear the sound of your next heartbeat.
Repeat this for as many hours as you have before your collection(s). If you pause, Roppongi will get you.
If you get to five minutes before your collection, and you’ve failed to follow my instructions, there is only one thing left to do. It’s dangerous, but it will work. Trace back the email which notified you of your collection all those weeks ago. Print it out surreptitiously. Go into a dark room, and then, within five seconds (you can use a timer on your phone), eat it.
Once consumed, return to your bedroom. Make sure you walk slowly in order not to attract attention. When you are contacted to find out why you were not at your collection, deny all knowledge. Assure them that you never received any emails, and have certainly not consumed any evidence.
If this conversation occurs in person make sure to hold eye contact at ALL TIME. DO NOT BLINK. Your tutor will realise you are correct, and you can begin the term, unscathed. This will only work once. Revise next time, you idiot.
