Oriel has accepted £100 million to redesign the College as a Disneyland franchise, The OxStew can exclusively reveal.
It is understood that the executors of the estate of the famed animator Walt Disney approached the College after it emerged that any decision on the modification of the fabric of the buildings could be bought with a nine-figure donation.
A Disney spokesperson confirmed the bid but would not give The OxStew a specific figure. In a statement, Disney said, “Oriel College has a proud history of making decisions based on offers of massive donations of cash from individuals and corporations. The College will benefit hugely from the partnership. Turning a college into a family-friendly theme park is in keeping with the economic realities of modern academia and will be great for access.”
However, the spokesperson conceded that the transition process might encounter some teething problems, admitting, “Applicants below a certain height should note that they may not be offered a place.”
Under the proposed plans, Oriel’s front quad will have a miniature railway installed and will be renamed ‘Mr. Rhodes’ Wild Ride’, whilst the portraits in the hall will be replaced with pictures of Mickey Mouse, Pluto the Dog and, in a radical move for the generally conservative college, Snow White.
One Oriel insider, who asked only to be identified as a first-VIII rower and member of the Gridiron Club, told The OxStew, “Personally, I’m on the fence. I think that Snow White’s inclusion is a step in the right direction, but a lot of people are calling it positive discrimination and labelling it as a cynical move by the College to appease female students.
“I have some sympathy for that. I’d rather they put someone up there who had earned it. Like Goofy, maybe.”
Concerns have also been raised about the non-inclusion of some of Disney’s most popular franchises. Whilst the boathouse will be converted into a ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’-themed water ride, the College dismissed calls to remodel the JCR along the lines of the castle in Frozen as “ridiculous”. A JCR motion condemning the “lack of vision” in college management has been tabled, due for debate whenever the student body feels confident enough to make it all the way through an open meeting without it descending into a shouting match.
Further modifications to the College include the possibility of an age-restricted “scary” ride that would take visitors out over the High Street for a close-up view of the iconic art adorning the college, and a history-based rollercoaster recreating the early 1980s, when women were only allowed on-site if they were cleaners or the wives, girlfriends or mothers of students or fellows.
Meanwhile, a bidding war has erupted between Lockheed Martin, a sub-Saharan militia leader, and the Neapolitan Mafia for the rights to rename the College itself, believed to be worth in the region of £10 million, with a reported discount for payments in pre-laundered money.
