Oxford City Council has announced that everything that used to be sold with a license will now be available anywhere, from anyone and for anyone following news that the unlicensed taxi service Uber is setting up in the city.
The Council hopes the move will earn millions in taxes on the sale of fireworks, alcohol and tobacco, which will now be available for sale in all retail outlets, as well as cutting overcrowding on Cornmarket Street as firearms and prescription drugs flood the city centre.
Councillor David Hodgkins told The OxStew, “It’s only logical that if we allow a company that has a history of allowing dangerous, unlicensed minicab drivers to ferry people around to operate in the city then we may as well let hairdressers and ice cream shops sell cigars and Uzis. “From now on, a competitive market will be found not only for cab companies in Oxford but also in the firearms market and between shops that sell those replica samurai sword things.”
The change in the law has been welcomed by libertarians, extremists and bored teenagers throughout the city. One teenager told The OxStew, “I can’t wait to see the look on my mum’s face when I ride my new tractor into the front garden with the brace of ducks I will have shot with my new shotgun, not to mention the fish I will have caught in the Isis. “Then I might start a scrap metal business and get married. These are all things I would have needed a license to do back in the olden days.”
Uber has attracted criticism in the past, with some saying their business tactics are underhand. Allegations include trying to smear journalists who attacked the company, and calling in multiple fake orders to other taxi companies. Under the new deregulation laws, similar sabotage will be legal of rival businesses, including the arson of fireworks shops and the drive-by shooting of gun shops. Young children will also be able to purchase alcohol, and a number of convicts are set to be released from prison, having been convicted of crimes which will no longer be illegal.
When asked about this aspect of the changes, Councillor Hodgkins said it was, “The only way of assuring fair competition in a free market centred around the consumer.”
Some Oxford residents met the news with indifference. Father-of-three Roy Fraser said, “I wouldn’t let my kids take an unlicensed minicab after a night out before this; I suppose now I just won’t let them out at all, given everyone will be on absolutely fuckloads of drugs and packing a piece.
“And there are going to be buskers everywhere, even more than there are already. Jesus.”
