TW: Sexual assault

When I was younger I lost my sister. I think that made me more mature for my age. See, I’m already blaming myself. But I had a best friend and we shared almost everything together. She was my ultimate best friend, the sort of girl and friend you rarely ever meet. She knows what you’re thinking before you think it. She knows what’s wrong before you say it. Your sense of humour aligns. I was always slightly worried about her. And I guess due to the passing of my sister, I wanted to protect her and always make sure she was okay.

Her father was very invasive. He was always there, in a creepy way. Most people commented on it. We got on. And my best friend and him got on. Although he told her about his numerous affairs, they got on. He bought us alcohol and cigarettes, and let us do what we wanted. We could watch anything we wanted, and not be told otherwise. He wasn’t much of a parent to be honest.

The first time it happened, my best friend and I were watching Pretty Woman together on the sofa. He came back, drunk, and got under the blanket. I felt horrendously nauseous, I don’t know why. Maybe it was a premonition. He wouldn’t move his hand away when I tried to make him. I kept pushing his hand away and he wouldn’t move it. The next few times I went round nothing of the sort happened again.

Then one day I was in the kitchen and he attacked me again, forcefully. I have flashbacks now and I can see it. This happened on and off for a period of six months. I used to try different approaches to stop him, but nothing seemed to work. One of the most significant times was in the bathroom, because of the mirror, I could see what was happening to my body and I fought more than ever. I have issues now washing my face and brushing my teeth but I’m okay now, more so than I used to be about it. 

I think it became a way of life really. I think I was so concerned that he was doing it to my best friend as well that I used to try and protect her all of the time. But it wasn’t possible. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel like my body or my mind belonged to me anymore. I just felt very sad, very confused and very isolated. I felt trapped and I felt alone. It has still affected me now. I’m a bit funny with food. I get nightmares a lot and flashbacks and I am on the edge quite a lot. But after they went on holiday for a week I realised my life didn’t have to be like that. I protected myself, and I moved away from her.

I told another friend about a year later, a few since then, and my mum when I was 19. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through or could imagine anyone going through. It is your whole normality and your entire body, what you live in, taken away from you. I don’t think many people truly realise the daily effects.

But, even though this is all very morbid and very sad, I have found that in this world there are absolutely amazing men and women that help you, inspire you, and don’t let you give up. Day in and day out. There are so many resources that are there for you. And life is so so precious and I am so so lucky in so many ways. I am so proud of my entire family and my entire existence. I have grown up and away from my trauma. It is in my fabric now, it is a part of my past, but it is not in my present. I am proud to be a woman, and I am proud to be a survivor of such an atrocity, so I can have more compassion and a greater insight into the mechanics of our existence as human beings.

We are all capable of being who we want to be and who we work at being.

What does it mean to be happy? A good question, indeed, and one that the newly-founded Oxford branch of Students for Happiness decided to explore. In an event held at St John’s College auditorium, three big names came together to attempt to give an answer to this question on Monday 18 May.

I say attempt because a) no one truly gave an answer to this question b) I don’t think anyone in the world knows the answer to this except for the few arseholes who post happiness quotes as their Facebook status every two hours and c) even if the three speakers did manage to give a valid answer when I wasn’t paying attention, we’re still Oxford students and odiously unhappy about everything, particularly about walking to anything more than 5 minutes away.

Nevertheless, it was an extremely well-attended and successful event. Please ignore my pessimism, as I now take on board the happiness life tips that the speakers imparted on us. If, like me, you weren’t familiar with the speakers, then let me reassure you that they are actually BNOCs in the realm of positive psychology. We first heard from Nic Marks, an infectiously-smiley and truly likeable ‘happiness researcher’, which is a glorified term for someone who gathers data on wellbeing, but is more than just a walking calculator. He came up with the Happy Planet Index, which looks at which countries are the happiest in the world. Spoiler alert: Britain didn’t top the list. He also founded Happiness Works, which looks at ways to change institutional structure to make people happier and have a better quality of life. To prove his BNOC status, he even has a TED talk discussing the Happy Planet Index, but surprisingly he hasn’t got a Wikipedia page.

Nic Marks talks for while about the evidence that happiness helps you live longer, make more money, and have a longer-lasting marriage. Of course, at this point, we were all convinced, and the audience was practically begging him to tell us how to obtain this happiness. And he did. The secret to wellbeing is to connect to others, be active, give time and be generous to others, learn something new each day, and take notice of things around you. Seems easy, no? But then I realise that there are some days that I spend without having spoken to another person face-to-face. Exercising is anathema to me. Running on a tight schedule and on an even tighter student budget stops me being generous with either time or money. While I learn something new every day, am I learning new things for my own mental growth and development or because I’m desperate to pass the next exam? How can I focus on the things around me when I need to think about when I next have time in between work to tidy my room, call my parents, message a friend, and write that damn Cherwell article? It’s tough, but Nic Marks makes it sound manageable, and I’ll no doubt bear in mind his tips the next time things get tough.

Our next speaker, Mark Williams, conversely, has a Wikipedia page, and an inexhaustible CV to go with it, but no TED talk. Supposedly always coming out of his retirement from being professor of Clinical Psychology at Oxford to giving talks at happiness, psychology, and mindfulness events. Professor Williams talked about what mindfulness is and even gave us a cheeky taster of several minutes of mindfulness meditation. One definition of mindfulness is that it is the practice of paying attention to the here and now. It is a form of awareness, of focusing on your breathing, bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings, and concentrating on what is happening moment by moment, rather than allowing your mind to wander to the regrets of the past. Mark Williams has even designed a whole new type of psychotherapy based on it – mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) – and it is now recommended by the NHS for recurrent major depression.

Our final speaker was Miriam Akhtar, UK’s leading positive psychologist. Her goal differs from a clinical psychologist who might take one from a depressed state to a functional state, whereas her ambition is to make people happy, satisfied with their life, and feel fulfilled and with a sense of purpose. Miriam Akhtar says that to get to wellbeing, it involves playing to your strengths, developing resilience, and building optimism. It’s important to be grateful, think of the good things in your life, and to have positive relationships. She emphasised that we as human beings are social animals and part of developing positive relationships is to remember the reasons that you value the people around you in your life. One of the most striking things she mentions is that she has kept a ‘gratitude journal’ since she was a teenager, writing in it every day about the things that she is grateful about in her life.

At the end of the talks, the chair, Dr Sophie Bostock, asked each of the panel to give advice to students. Their advice include getting the balance between work and play, playing to your strengths and knowing what your strengths are, reading more novels, especially after university life, trying lots of novel activities, sleeping more, going on walks when something is bothering you, and taking more breaks.

One last thing I took away from the talk was that it is important to have emotional depth. The speakers all agree that happiness isn’t about being happy all the time, but it is about accepting and acknowledging your fears, sadness, anger, and not letting those negative emotions and thoughts overwhelm you.

You can watch a video of the talk here:

It’s National Vegetarian Week this week. On reading an article in the Independent about the 5 main ethical reasons for becoming a vegetarian, I decided to pen an article about the non-ethical, but still very real, reasons why I became one. Animal rights? I couldn’t care less. The environment? Last time I tried to give up on meat because of the environment, a cause I passionately do care about, I found the motivation was enough for one week before I was found salivating over my favourite meaty treat down at Tesco (the pork and leek sausage, if you’re interested).

Although I’ve tried to give up on meat several times in the past, I’ve never found that ethical concerns could propel me not to want to gorge on a steak and chips or reach for the Big Mac after a night out. This time, I gave up for me. The success was firmly proved the other day when, on a trip to Atomic Burger, I resisted any kind of temptation and plumped for the Veggie Burger (a delight!) My motivations for giving up meat were simple: weight, digestive health and money.

I noticed last term that I had gained a bit of weight. As much as everyone tried to tell me that not an ounce of extra flesh had appeared on my backside, they were wrong. Several buttons came off my clothes; tops remain at home this term, as my porky pecs have grown too big to stretch over them – and not in a good way! I was researching over Easter the best ways to lose weight and there seemed to be unanimous agreement on various websites that three factors would help: the reduction in bad fats, an increase in protein at the expense of these bad fats, and exercise.

Well, exercise has never been my bag. Luckily for me, the World Health Organisation even came out in support of me, announcing, with perhaps imperfect research, that diet was the way to go. So, I did some reflecting. How does one reduce bad fats (which usually come from meat and meat-based derivatives) whilst simultaneously increasing proteins (which, naively, I also thought were the exclusive preserve of the meat-eating classes). I did some research.

It turns out that certain vegetarian foods provide the protein your body is craving. Black beans, quinoa, spinach, butter beans, chickpeas, eggs. All these foods are vegetarian, yet none are meat based. All these foods provide you with prime protein, yet none are meat or fish. These are just a few. As it turns out, vegetarian food can easily provide you with the same protein that a normal human requires, with none of the bad fats. This protein is important, since it staves of hunger pangs and allows you to tone your body if you start doing some exercise.

As for digestive health, think about it. At what time in human history did we consume so much meat on such an industrial scale? Never. Meat has traditionally been viewed as a treat food, one that you eat rarely. However, in the last century, we began to eat meat more and more often… wait, what also happened in the last hundred years? The obesity epidemic. Now, I’m not saying the two are linked, but such excessive meat consumption is certainly a potential factor in the world’s huge weight-gain. Your digestion requires fibre, which vegetarian food has in abundance. I can certainly tell you that I have never experienced such a pleasant digestive period. Vegetarian food provides you, almost exclusively, with high-fibre foods which are also what ward off stomach cancers, often caused by, you guessed it, processed meat.

Finally, I cannot stress enough how little money I spend on veggie food. All the high protein vegetables and legumes cost so little in comparison to meat. Furthermore, even vegetarian treats like avocados and coconuts can be bought so cheaply from the Gloucester Green market where avocadoes are priced at 4 for £1.50, which is an unbelievable bargain. Meat, and particularly fish, are priced at horrifically high prices for your everyday student. However, that’s only half of it – what about going out? Meat based dishes way exceed any vegetarian ones on any menu, that I will bet you. 

It’s time you think about yourself! Vegetarianism does not have to be an ethical choice. It can, and for me has been, a totally selfish one. Motivation is what is important – I still miss my pork and leeks, but I don’t crave them. I know that I don’t need them, with their fat and gristle oozing out of that synthetic skin. I can be much healthier and happier eating vegetarian alternatives which provide all the protein you need with none of the $$$$ and none of the heart attacks. Why don’t you treat your body and turn veggie?

★★★★☆

Four Stars

I am somewhat under the impression that the subject of this week’s review is a natural evolution of boil in the bag rice, as it has gone from being boiled in a bag, to just straight up nuked for 90 seconds. This ease of cooking makes an Uncle Ben’s Sweet and Sour Rice Time a very appropriate student meal, and the packaging itself even boasts that it is “perfect for lunch”. However, as easy at it should be to put a pot of rice and a pot of sauce in a microwave, I somehow miraculously managed to screw this up, and ended up with sweet and sour sauce everywhere.

I found the rice to be quite sticky and glutenous, however, considering that no water is added on cooking it, and it was just in the microwave, it is impossible to expect perfect rice. And to be honest, this is the only criticism I have of the meal; the sauce is a very nice sweet and sour, and this, coupled with the vegetables that are found in the sauce, means that there is a range of textures and flavours. As far as nutritional values go, the only thing of concern is a moderately high sugar content: a yellow on the traffic light system.

As a vegetarian, I definitely need plenty of beans to keep my protein levels up. This recipe’s protein content is surprisingly high, given the added spinach as well – and for those 90s kids who saw Popeye like I did, we all know what wonders it can do!

Ingredients:
1 tin of tomatoes
1 tin of kidney beans
1 onion
3 garlic cloves
2 finger chillies (green/small)
1-2 peppers
1 tin of spinach, thoroughly drained
1 stock cube

Method:

1. Chop your veg up and toss the onion in a deep frying pan on a high-medium heat with some oil till it cooks. Add the garlic and chillies, again waiting a couple of minutes. Now add the peppers and keep moving until it’s all feeling a bit softer, before adding the tomatoes and beans.

2. Liberally sprinkle salt and black pepper on the veg to flavour, then add the stock cube and a dash of water.

3. Put a lid on and simmer for 5-10 minutes. Once the tomatoes have broken down and there is plenty of liquid, add the spinach. Once the spinach has cooked and soaked up the excess liquid, you’re ready to serve.

4. For an optional tasty accompaniment, mash up avocado with cream cheese, salt and pepper, and spread on some pitta bread. Enjoy!

★★☆☆☆

To be terribly postmodern, I should start by explaining my own prejudices and bias. My trip to Brasenose’s bar coincided with my suffering from the mother of all hangovers. Sainsbury’s Everyday Dark Rum had conclusively bested me the previous night, so I was in no mood to enjoy sampling the best drinks and atmosphere Brasenose had to offer. Sorry guys. But hey, it’s not like I’m in anyway accountable for these reviews, so fuck it.

Brasenose is a particularly attractive little college. Their quads strike the enviably perfect balance between imposing and pretty, vast and claustrophobic, allowing them both to provide the ideal backdrop for #Oxfordunayy selfies on matriculation day and scare away potential state school applicants for the rest of the time. The same cannot be said for their bar. It appears to have been designed by a team of hobbyists working independently of one another who have never actually been to a bar, but have heard vague descriptions of them some time ago. Stainless steel fixings set against stone walls. Red paint against cheap wooden seating. The result is a complete lack of any discernible theme. What’s more, the air conditioning system, if there is one, was not nearly sufficient. Once the bar began to fill up following formal the temperature rocketed with unstoppable velocity. By half nine I was melting. If I wanted a night of sweatsodden drinking I’d have gone to Cellar.

Their drinks choice was something of a saving grace. The spirits were pretty mundane, but the fridges stocked an impressive variety of bottled drinks. My friend became unreasonably excited by the many different flavours of Rekorderlig on offer, whispering to me, “They actually have passion fruit! No one has passion fruit!” While these bottled offerings were cheap enough, spirit mixers were not. A double cost me well over £4, quite ridiculous when you remember that mixers are the most popular choice for predrinking, something which would be quite costly here.

I have a few more complaints to get off my chest, I’m afraid. Furthering a worrying trend among colleges, Brasenose also seem to have axed the use of glass in exchange for annoying plastic. I know we’re just beastly undergrads, but we can be trusted with glass, honest. Nor do they have a signature drink. Supposedly there existed one at some point, which has since been banned, probably because some unfortunate fresher downed six of them and threw up in the dean’s face, you know, for ‘bantz’. Finally, smoking is forbidden around the college with the exception of a shitty little shelter round the back among the skips and bike racks. Well, folks, heed the words of Martin Niemöller; first they came for smokers…

If you’re a non-smoking bottled ciderenthusiast with several hand-held fans, this bar is perfect. If not, it’s a little inadequate in almost every way. 

To the amusement of my very camp, very gay friend, when we arrived we were mistaken for a couple on a date night and ushered to an intimately secluded table at the back of the restaurant, complete with an odd fake plant wrapped in Christmas lights by the side. He remarked, with a graceful flick of the wrist, that he’d never felt more butch than when the waitress called him ‘sir’ and handed him the menus, asking him if we wanted drinks.

Having heard rapturous sermons on the deliciousness of the fake meat dishes, otherwise impossible to find in Oxford, we chose to get some crispy mock beef with salt and pepper dressing and dumplings to start. This was, I hope, a mistake. The dumplings, obviously bought and cooked from frozen, were overcooked to the point of being unpleasantly difficult both to pick up with chopsticks and to bite into with mortal teeth. The ‘beef’ tasted more like fried batter so drowned in pepper that I cannot accurately report whether or not it’s anything worth writing home about.

For the mains, we shared a pot of egg fried rice and two mains: a fortunate decision, as one of them was completely inedible. The mock pork, while pleasantly tender and surprisingly authentic in taste, was unfortunately drowned in a disgustingly gelatinous, ridiculously saccharine sauce, which somehow managed to be simultaneously overspiced and indescribably bland. The strong flavours of ginger and garlic were discernable, but the rest of the ingredients, through their direct competition, faded to white noise.

The second option was little better, with admittedly good baked tofu and an uninspired selection of veg served in another gelatinous sauce, theoretically black bean. The stingy portion should not have been enough for two, but the significant amount of MSG in everything filled us up unexpectedly quickly.

The service, though efficient, was intrusive, ruining the intimate feel of the restaurant. When they took our largely uneaten plates away they looked unsurprised, making their prices seem even more shameless.