Monday 28th July 2025
Blog Page 1820

This Amsterdam Nation

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Starkey should be challenged, not condemned

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David Starkey’s comments on Newsnight with regards to the London riots were misguided, in places bizarre and uncharacteristically simplistic. He seemed to conflate aspects of urban culture, with being black and implicitly seemed to associate being ‘white’ with being a law abiding citizen.

As Starkey himself has admitted perhaps his biggest mistake was to quote Enoch Powell’s infamous Rivers of Blood speech. It is speech that comes with more emotional baggage than any other in recent British political history and is guaranteed to provoke a reaction. For Starkey to evoke Powell’s disastrous vision of Britain, even if he went on to qualify where Powell got it wrong, during such a sensitive situation, was deeply crass. .

In some respects however the reaction to Starkey’s comments has been more worrying than anything Starkey said. David Starkey, whatever his other faults, is not stupid enough to appear on television and say something that he knew to be racist. Yet many commentators have jumped on the bandwagon and condemned Starkey, without properly considering what he was trying to say or why he might have been moved to say the things he did..

Now I disagree with much that Starkey had to say. The real issue that Starkey’s appearance on Newsnight has raised however, is that it showed that it is still nigh on impossible in this country to have a reasoned and sensible debate, where issues of race are concerned. 

This was amply illustrated on the programme itself. The chair of the debate seemed incredulous at Starkey’s comments and quickly lost control of the discussion. This meant that Starkey was neither effectively challenged nor was able to clarify his views, something which may have helped to diffuse the situation. Starkey at one point attempted to make the point that he was only condemning a small part of Black culture but was drowned out by the protestations of the other panellists. Owen Jones and Dreada Say Mitchell, the other guests, contributed to the shutting down of what could have been a useful debate had Starkey’s points been challenged more thoughtfully. Mitchell looked out of her depth, while Jones seemed happy to settle for cheap point scoring, which only drove Starkey further into a hole of his own digging. .

Much of the reaction to Starkey’s comments was also either sensationalist and restricted in scope. Piers Morgan and Robert Peston quickly condemned Starkey, with Morgan arguing that Starkey should not be allowed back on the TV. Ed Miliband got involved calling Starkey’s comments ‘’disgusting and outrageous’’ while Conservative MP Louise Mensch was also quick to condemn Starkey. Any potential for a broader debate on the issues raised by Starkey was washed away in a wave of sanctimoniousness and moral indignation. 

This strikes me as deeply unhelpful. Starkey said on Newsnight that ‘’so many of us have this sense of literally a foreign country’’, articulating a view that multiculturalism has failed and has left some British people feeling alienated from the immigrant communities they live side by side with. This has long been a concern amongst sections of the white working class, in particular. Yet much of the media refuses to even discuss this point of view. The hysterical reaction to Starkey’s appearance on Newsnight has, as Harold Jacobson recognised in the Independent, effectively ruled out any chance of the points he was trying to make being openly discussed. .

The irony is that only by discussing the issues Starkey raised, by challenging and being prepared to listen to them, can these concerns be addressed and in the long run hopefully put to bed. The knee jerk reaction by many to Starkey’s comments will ultimately serve only to hinder this. 

Three days at the Fringe

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Even as the Edinburgh Fringe Festival begins, three weeks feels too short a time to see everything on offer. But, with some careful planning and diligent research, you can make sure you see only the highest quality productions. As the Festival draws to a close, jump on the East Coast Line and give yourself a heady dose of wall-to-wall theatre! 

After the End
Pleasance Courtyard, 1.50

A subtle two-hander by Dennis Kelly set in an underground shelter after a nuclear attack. Mark has rescued Louise from the blast while their friends and colleagues were left to burn. Trapped in the shelter, their imprisonment becomes a fight for survival as they struggle to find common ground. 

The venue was suitably small with performers just a few feet away from the front row. A couple of lockers, a dim single bulb, two chairs and a radio were enough to create a terrifying picture of enclosure. Conversations turn from food supplies to Dungeons and Dragons. Kelly’s dialogue might seem mundane to some viewers. Yet his work is incredibly difficult to pull off without making the piece feel overly stilted. The performances by the Dundee Rep Theatre Company betray the power-play behind the smallest sentences where no word is ‘innocent’. Veering from Mark’s fascist sympathies to his long-suffering jealousy of Louise’s old crushes at their workplace, now in ashes in the wreck of the world above, their dialogue quickly reveals Mark’s more sinister intentions. The show sustained a tension beneath which, an audience constantly suspected, lurked the prospect of a violent disaster.

As a thriller, After the End will entertain and grip audiences, but the play linger long after. Kelly is an excellent observer of the small evils of the everyday. We are, in pedantic detail, shown the horrific ways in which humans violate one another. 

Hedda Gabler 
2.30, Hill Street Theatre

Hedda Gabler is forced to suffer quietly under the yoke of a drab marriage to her bookish husband. Like Hedda, the audience is taken in by the affable, bumbling George Tessman. They are quickly reminded that obsession is not necessarily a booming fanaticism; it can be a dull, tepid way of life. Tessman is played with an awkward and absent cruelty. Hedda is driven by the desire to escape the stagnancy of the couple’s tangled milieu of ex-lovers and professional rivals. She meditates on her ability to act, to finally do something of significance. Lashing out, her energy becomes dedicated to dismantling careers and tearing romances apart. 

The Palindrome Theatre Company’s production is a refreshing adaptation of a play that is often hamstrung by Victorian, out-moded performances. Rather than merely offering a few tweaks for the sake of novelty, everything from a firmly post-war costume, to a borrowing of idioms from middle-America, reveals the dedication of the production to transform the classic. The script is incredibly fluid. Indeed, its easy to forget that this is a translation of a spiritually serious Norwegian play when the show feels more like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? or a campus novel by Philip Roth. The stage was clammy and claustrophobic; the six performers never leave the studio and give the audience an intimate impression of Hedda’s oppressive social network. Live percussion, thunderclaps, gun shots and strobe lighting allowed the company to substitute raw tension in place of musty realism.

Futureproof
17. 45, Traverse Theatre

Futureproof is the story of a closely knit, but eclectic, troop of circus oddities. After violent confrontations with disgruntled ‘townies’ the performers realise that the old freak-show bill cannot pull in crowds as it once did. Riley, their ringleader, is driven to try something bold. Transformation may be difficult but the freaks are forced to adapt to modern tastes, to embrace the norm, with unforeseen, even bloody, consequences.

Nominated for a Fringe First Award for design, Futureproof lives up to its reputation for visual panache. Riley’s Odditorium, a traveling freak-show, is rendered in gritty detail to create a musty backstage clutter from the era of vaudeville and silent film. An automatic piano provides an out of tune entre-act music. When the visual and the performative come together, the result is incredibly stylish. A moving dream sequence during the final moments of the show takes place in the mind of George/ Georgina – made-up half as a stunning brunette and half as a well groomed young man in dungarees (complete with prominent trouser bulge) – and borrows from the aesthetic of a glitzy magic-show. Sign language conversations between the mute Serena and one of the conjoined twins were accompanied by Chaplin-esque subtitles. The dialogue was a little clunky and too many performers up on stage at once, and the jumpy scene changes could seem like an exercise in turn-taking. In fact, we shared the frustration of the punters who paid a little extra to see George/Georgina in the nude: it would have been more thrilling to spend a little more time with each one of the characters. The fable might have been a little old-hat and the show far from perfect but you couldn’t help but gawp. While Futureproof relies on its visual centre-pieces, it is impressive enough not to leave you dissatisfied. 


The Wind Up Bird Chronicle
7.30, The King’s Theatre

The jewel in the crown of the Edinburgh International Festival, The Wind up Bird Chronicle is an adaptation of a novel by Japanese writer Haruki Murakami. Stephen Earnheart’s production, seven years in the making, employs puppets, projection, multiple television screens and a wonderful score performed live by Bora Yoon. A noir-inspired hunt for a lost cat, everyman Toru Okada is visited in turn by a series of femme fatales, school girls and nightmarish concierges. In dreams and stories, Toru is transported from 1940s Manchuria, raree shows and a creepy Lynchian hotel. Noboru Wataya, Toru’s sinister brother-in-law,  lurks in the darkness as jerky puppets pour each other glasses of cutty-sark.  No matter how mad the dreams the set shifts and return to base; the terrifying ‘dream police’ depart and the audience find themselves back at Okada’s anonymous apartment.

The production captures the spirit of Murakami’s phantasmagorical union of East and West. A superb international cast perform harmoniously while cultures, old and new, east and west, rub up against one another. Japanese subtitles are flashed on screen for conversations between everyman Toru Okada and his absent wife Kumiko. The English script was also excellent, based on Jay Rubin’s translations: reading Murakami is always infused by a dry, hard-boiled wit that wasn’t dropped. James Saito was a truly nasty piece of work as Toru’s megalomanic brother-in-law.

At the end of the production, when the lights come up, a collage of tape and chalk crosses on the boards gives some clue as to the technical mastery of the piece. The greatest thrill is how well-wrought this multimedia adaptation is. The Wind Up Bird Chronicle never once lets up in its relentless series of visual marvels. 
 

Titus Andronicus
22.15, C Venues (+1)

Shakespeare’s bloodiest tragedy is given a darkly comic and gothic makeover in this energetic late-night production. Titus Andronicus, a well respected general of Rome, is made the plaything of the Empress Tamora, his onetime prisoner. A cycle of revenge is played out mercilessly and the pace is unremitting. Limbs are removed every ten minutes and tossed about irreverently. Hands are struck off. For the grande finale, Titus chains the children of his enemy to a table, drills a hole in their chests and serves them up in a pie to their own mother.

Brutal and graphically ‘in-yer-face’ there is little subtlety to any of the strong, loud deliveries. Cleavage burst from the tight PVC corsets of Tamora’s vampiric goths. Titus himself looked like a rugby captain. Chiron and Dimitrius, Tamora’s lusty sons, were played as lanky, hulking orks. Sweaty clubbing scenes featured music from Faithless and ‘dramatic music’ (the kind that fills the ad breaks on Sky Sports 1) was pumped out during fight scenes. The production was wildly entertaining. The intimacy of the venue, with the audience on three sides, guaranteed front row seats for rape and murder. Some lucky audience members found themselves fodder for blood sputters and half-chewed cannibal pie. Confrontations were equally immediate and satisfyingly macho. At one point, the machiavellian Aaron leaps into the air, muscles rippling, punching Chiron in the face and kicking Demitrius in the guts. The performers capture the violence of fallen Rome and promise audiences a hedonistic eyeful.

Forgotten reforms to education

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In the midst of soaring university fees, England’s schools are undergoing a significant, structural upheaval. Since the passage of the Coalition’s Academies Act in July 2010, high performing state schools have had the option of applying for Academy status, while parents, businesses, charities and others have been able to apply to set up their own Free Schools, the first of which will open its doors on August 30th.

On the face of it, there’s much to like about the reforms.The motivation behind them, while typically conservative in its small-government ideology, is progressive in its aims. Michael Gove, the Minister for Education, hopes to improve the standard of English state education by giving schools greater autonomy and increasing competition. State schools that have been deemed of a sufficiently high standard by Ofsted are able to apply for Academy status, which will see them gain significant autonomy from their local authority (LA), while newly established Free Schools will enjoy a similar level of freedom.

Coalition policies to reform and reduce bureaucracy are welcome. Data collection by schools, which constitutes a large proportion of teachers’ workload, often gets in the way of the more important task of teaching, and the government wants to slash it by 30% for this coming academic year. Similarly, financial regulations are to be loosened, giving schools significantly more control over their budgets.

The government is also moving away from Labour’s culture of centralised targets, with a new emphasis on schools developing their own targets as they see fit — as well as having greater say over what they teach — while still conforming to broad governmental standards. Similarly, the Department for Education has scrapped school self-evaluation, which has proved time consuming and an inefficient form of appraisal of the quality of the school. Moreover, while discontinuing regular inspection of the best schools, the Department for Education has ensured mechanisms to trigger an inspection by parents or the Secretary of State (but not the LA) if there are concerns about a school’s performance. The general trend of decentralisation is one that will free up teachers’ time, and certainly looks promising in its intention to change the prevailing ethic of schools and government in conflict. By letting schools have a greater say in how to teach their own pupils, the hope is that claustrophobic conditions, in which good teachers are stifled, and well-intentioned educators are frustrated into apathy or exhausted from paperwork, will be lifted, and with them the standards of state education.

But there are problems with the reforms. First of all, the cheery big-society view espoused by the government, in which freedom from central authority is promptly followed by unprecedented success, may need some reconsidering. That’s not to say that private groups have not rushed to take up the government’s offer. Just under two dozen Free Schools have been set up since September 2010, with hundreds expected by Rachel Wolf (of the New Schools Network) by 2015. By April of this year numbers of Academies had swollen to one sixth of all secondary schools, with 357 schools converting since last September.

However, while enthusiasm has been taken by the government as a ringing endorsement of the reforms, and certainly indicates widespread support, it is by no means a clear indication that the reforms will have the desired effect on standards of schooling. Some elements of the Coalition’s savagery of existing red tape smack of cost-cutting, sold under the guise of liberation from the dead hand of central government. For instance, legislation requiring LAs to provide School Improvement Partners, for schools which fall under their authority, has been revoked. This means that schools must actively decide to seek external consultancy. In the absence of good leadership, the opportunity for undertaking a very useful process to work out realistic aims and targets within the school, by private organisations which can conduct a proper assessment of the school’s situation (i.e. not the sort of remote guidance that the Government is keen to do away with), may be lost.

Not only might the switch to Academy status have some of the above drawbacks, it may also lack all the unifying perks that the government had in mind. Much of the incentive to become an Academy lies in the extra funding that becomes available from the group sponsoring the Academy — whether that be a charity, university, or football club (Everton are looking to fund a new Free School). Because the application process allows for schools to submit their request for a change of status, and be granted the right to do so, without consulting parents (with the exception of the two parents required to be on the board of governors for each academy), we may well see a slew of schools becoming academies against the wishes of parents. This would neatly undermine one of the underpinning rationales of the reform — to make schools better by putting authority in the hands of the school and in the hands of parents, creating a positive ethos for success. In fact, just this sort of reaction has occurred already in Lincolnshire, where parents have formed a group called Save Our Schools, in opposition to the prospect of their children’s schools becoming Academies.

This government has executed several policy U-turns already, after facing strong opposition to reform. It should be bold in its plans for education, continuing along the path to instil what former Schools Commissioner, Sir Bruce Liddington, has called the Academy “state of mind”. But it should be wary of not heeding the advice of experts in the field. Mike Baker, a pre-eminent education journalist, maintains that the whole policy is ill-conceived, labouring as it does under the misapprehension that local authorities still have real control over state schools beyond a basic level. It would be an ironic fate for the education reforms if they proved to be misguided from the outset, undone by the very same bureaucratic maladroitness which they are trying to eliminate.

New coach for Blues rugby squad

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James Wade has been appointed head coach of Oxford University rugby football club for the forthcoming season, replacing New Zealander Murray Henderson.

Wade has coaching experience with Sale Sharks and London Wasps, and will retain his position as high performance manager with the latter.

After a two week pre-season training period in Oxford, the first challenge will be a 13 night tour of Siberia in September. Wade commented, “I am very pleased to be joining such a prestigious squad, and I’m looking forward to getting to know the team on our Siberian adventure”.

Last season the Dark Blues beat Cambridge in style. However the side will be disappointed not to have won more of their regular season games, winning six of sixteen including the brilliant 21-10 victory at Twickenham. Upcoming opponents at Iffley Road in the lead up the 130th annual Varsity Match on December 8th include Wasps and Northampton.

Oxford are attempting to retain the cup for the first time since 2001. John-Henry Carter, OURFC captain, told Cherwell, “winning the second time is always very different and more challenging than the first”.

Knowing Wade from his playing days at Sale Sharks, Carter invited him to do some coaching over the summer in Oxford. The captain described the experiment as a success, with Wade being “an immediate hit with the players. This along with his experience and talent as a coach made the choice very easy”.

Baby steps

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Almost 2 years ago someone at the Oxford Hub let their imagination run a little bit wild and saw a building on Turl Street in dire need of some love.  Fast forward and you join us now; a team of nebulous size, all former or current Oxford students, working towards a new home for not one, but seven charities.

Not to mention the Turl Street Kitchen, a new restaurant, cafe and bar with the imagination and quality that we all feel is pretty sorely needed in Oxford. A place that’s a bit like eating at your mate’s, if your mate still lived with his mum. And his mum was a great cook.

In this blog we, Hannah and Josh, will be your eyes and ears at the Turl Street Kitchen, letting you know just what it’s really like to open a catering business in Oxford.  We’ll fill you in on what we’ve done, what we’re doing and how you can get involved.

 

The key bit, first: what’s tricks?

16-17 Turl Street has been a few things over the last decade.   From fish restaurant to Indian eatery, a Stephen Fry inspired and funded private members club to the 8th best vodka bar in Britain. Now it’s being refurbished to create a home for Oxford Hub, the charity as well as some great events spaces, a library and the Turl Street Kitchen itself on the ground floor.  For more info on Oxford Hub and its work head to  www.oxfordhub.org and follow their moves on this blog: www.makeahubahome.wordpress.com

The Turl Street Kitchen is an all day den of eating and drinking serving a limited selection of ethical British food with loads of wine and beer, some of which is also British. It’s going to be full of comfy furniture and big tables that match a menu designed for sharing. Not too much on that stuff now, though, or we’ll have nothing to write for the next few weeks.

Until then, let’s introduce ourselves a bit more.

Josh is a recent graduate from Magdalen who after a year improving his Excel skills jumped at the opportunity to indulge his passion for food, furniture and finances in one happy package.

Hannah is an idealistic innocent from the North, who has been working on this  project since graduating from Keble last year.

Josh likes things whereas Hannah loves people, so together we combine to make one wonky world view.

Here are just some of the other cast members you will see appearing from time to time include:

Adam OB: General chief and one of the founding members of Student Hubs, Adamkeeps us all in check and makes sure our wilder ideas are kept grounded. Mostly. 

Rachel: Oxford Hub Manager and queen of all things design-savvy, Rachel also set up Oxford Hub all those years ago and is now at the helm of the flotilla, keeping us more ship shape than a canoe.

Genevieve: Our confident Canadian cadet, Gen is Oxford Hub’s president and general star, often seen running or rowing or being enthusiastic.

Tim HC: Trusted (and crucial) advisor, Tim brings fantastic experience to the team having set up a number of successful gastro-pubs in his time.

Doireann: Our green guru, Doireann is just in the process of finishing up a  Phd at Oxford, but will then be coming into the fold as our sustainability  officer from next year, making sure we know our compost bins from our water  butts.

So, join the ride and watch us go a bit mental trying to bring this vision together.


Social enterprise group to renovate empty Turl Street venue

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Having stood empty for almost two years, many may have passed 16-17 Turl Street without noticing its presence. However, the five-storey Georgian building is empty no more and is soon to open its doors in a scheme that reaches far beyond its physical range.

In May 2010 the Oxford Hub signed a new lease on the building, located at the junction between Ship Street and Turl Street. Formerly the exclusive Corner Club, formerly the exclusive QI Club, the Oxford Hub has taken over and is set to unveil its new, inclusive social enterprise on the 22nd of September. 

The Hub was set up by Oxford students in 2007 to support numerous projects within the local community. It now helps over twenty-five student-run initiatives including Jacari, Schools Plus and Food Justice. As well as providing offices for some of these projects and a base for students to meet, the building will house the Turl Street Kitchen. A café and restaurant by day and a bar by night, the Kitchen will undoubtedly meet the needs of most eating and drinking requirements.  However, what is different about the TSK is that it is part of a social enterprise with profits going back into the Hub to help facilitate positive action within the community.

Food and drink at the Turl Street Kitchen will be locally sourced with a menu changing according to what products are in season. In addition, recycled and eco-friendly products are to be used and much of the furniture has been hunted down from antique fairs or other second hand outlets. An example is this is the multi coloured carpet on the second floor made from donated off cuts.

On the second floor there will also be a free ethical library, a lounge, terrace and meeting rooms available for numerous events. Hannah Martin, currently overseeing the project, said ‘obviously we want students to engage in positive social action but the building is set up to be highly inclusive. Whether you just want to eat, chill, do some work in our library or participate more actively, it can all be done here’

When told about the plans, Alison Raymond a third year Chemistry student at St. Peter’s responded, ‘there are lots of restaurants and bars in Oxford but what I like about the Turl Street Kitchen is that it is going to be more than that. It is also about community and celebrating the positive action of students’. Where concentrations of students are often criticized, this should be a chance to display the results of students coming together as an aid to the community rather than as a hindrance. 

Who likes short shorts?

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If there’s one trend that’s not going anywhere in a hurry, it’s the cut-off short. At the start of summer I was walking around declaring to anyone who would listen that denim shorts are ‘definitely over’, but you only have to look at the likes of Rosie Huntington-Whitely, Alexa Chung or Alessandra Ambrosio to see just how wrong I was. Granted, culottes are certainly having a moment, but the cut-off short, made famous by Brigitte Bardot and Daisy Duke in the early 1980s, is here to stay. Balmain, Isabel Marant, J Brand and Siwy all seem to think so too…

This, however, can be dangerous territory. The cut-off short has been around for over 25 years, and as such, it’s more than capable of looking a little tired and unimaginative. If you’re not careful, it’s also easy to border on the cheap/tacky side of things; you only have to look at pictures of Victoria Beckham during her infamous Baden Baden days to see what I mean. If, however, you manage to get it right, the cut-off short will be invaluable to you this summer (I now officially live in mine). With this in mind, here are my top tips for how to work this important trend this season.

The Cut

The shorter the better really. You don’t want your cut-offs to ‘cut you off’ which is what will happen if you’re getting anywhere close to the knee. And besides, the whole point of this trend is to be daring. ‘My shorts are shorter than your shorts’?! That’s the spirit!

Don’t go for a neat hemmed-edge – they’re called cut-offs for a reason (not to mention it’s just dull). Having said that, beware of having too many long-hanging strands, which looks messy and weird.

Don’t be afraid of allowing a bit of pocket to show through at the bottom, but once again, everything in moderation… This needs to be subtle to work.

The Colour

Blue denim = boring. If you want to avoid being stuck in the dreaded cut-off rut then you need to explore some other colours. White denim is ideal, as are the pastel colours (especially pink) seen at Isabel Marant and Zadig & Voltaire.

The Top

Go for something relatively loose. Your boyfriend’s plaid shirt, a Petit Bateau breton-striped top (long sleeves, rolled-up) or an American Vintage pale grey t-shirt (again – long sleeves, rolled-up) work particularly well with white cut-offs. Stick to white if you’ve opted for colour with the shorts. Take your look into the evening by throwing your favourite jacket on over the top.

The Shoes

Converse look great, but if you feel you need a bit of leg-lengthening then go for this season’s clunky wedge sandals.

DIY

I, for one, would love to sport Isabel Marant’s pastel pink answer to this trend, but at over £150 a pair, that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Luckily, this is one of those trends that lends itself to being replicated at home on a shoe-string budget! All that you need is a pair of jeans you no longer wear, and some scissors!

IMPORTANT – avoid skinny jeans at all costs. Shorts made from skinny jeans will cling to your legs like a second skin, and you could well end up with the dreaded reverse muffin top of the thigh (definition – a bulge of flesh at the point that your leg exits the bottom of the cut-off…need I say more?)

Apart from that, you can’t really go wrong, although for extra brownie points, the more battered and faded the jean, the better.

Winter Micro-trends: Stack it!

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Are you one of those people who hoards ball and festival wristbands until they fall off of their own accord? Never fear, the micro-trend of the moment is perfect for a high-end version of this look; wrist stacking. Street style bloggers at the fashion weeks, primarily Tommy Ton of JAK&JIL, have been going mad for detail shots of well-dressed wrists. Luckily, it’s an easily replicable look on a much lower budget, and can really give even a simple outfit a bit of weekend pizazz.

The key to a good wrist stack is variety. Make sure to include at least one watch (more than one for an added WTF factor – it’s fashion, dahling!). Friendship bracelets are pretty integral too; make your own or buy a multicoloured bunch from eBay if you’re too lazy. Stack up a fair few jangly bracelets too if you can stand the sound all day. The jury’s still out on whether mixing gold and silver is quirky or just a step too far – thoughts? Tie a vintage silk square around your wrist for a charming pop of colour.

Make sure your hands get in on the action as well! Multiple rings always look awesome, as long as you’re not actually planning on doing anything. Double finger rings (try ASOS for the best of the high street – we love the ASOS White range) and big stones are right on the money and you can pick them up for next to nothing. If you often fall victim to the nasty green fingers curse, Cherwell’s top tip is to put some clear nail varnish around the inside edge to keep it at bay. The final touch is nail art; try anything from liquid eyeliner polka dots to clashing colours on every nail. YouTube is your friend here.

The look is pretty bold, so it’s the perfect way to make a plain tee and cigarette pants or an LBD  look chic but fun. Try and mix it up with colour-pop bracelets and a monochrome outfit; perfect for dreary autumn days.

The Secret Diary of a Call Centre Worker

My dad has always told me that I should tell every cold caller “politely to fuck off”. I have heard him speak to a variety of pet insurers, conservatory installers and gold convertors, and each instance has concluded with the “polite fuck off”; he is a master of this art.

With this paternal advice in my mind I entered the reception of my workplace for the summer, the local call centre. My mum had arranged the job by pulling a few strings with an executive friend of hers there… So much for equal opportunities. Over the past few weeks of work I have learnt that the “polite fuck off” is actually a blessing in disguise for the cold caller. In particular the lovely gentlemen who threaten to shove my headset “where the sun don’t shine” made the term “cold call” seem hopelessly positive. The reception I received off him was freezing and profane.

Despite this, my team leader insisted that our leads are warm, “We are not a cold call company”. All we need to do is stick to the script and the customer will obviously employ our services. You do this and “happy days” – the sale is complete. She used this phrase about ten times in my hour-long induction. This one-woman tribute to the 80s American sitcom was just one part of her relentless and frankly sickening enthusiasm. The customer swears at you? “Happy Days!” It means you can move on to a more receptive customer. She goes on to inform me that all calls are recorded to ensure we are saying the right things. I feel like I’m under the thumb of the Big Brother of the telecommunications world. Happy fucking days.

The best way to survive here, says my friend, is to charm the centre manager. She is a voluptuous 50-something with a penchant for young “call centre executives” at staff Christmas do’s. Her promiscuity is something of a legend on the floor. I still don’t know whether to take the toilet blowjob incident of 2009 as fiction or fact. Regardless I immediately ditched concentrating on my calls, and instead set to work on an ambitious plan to ensnare her. An hour later I gave up, with the telecommunications innuendo I had managed to come up with being far from alluring. Asking her to “hold my line” or “touch my blower” simply wouldn’t cut it. So much for Oxford imagination. I settled for the occasional smile and small talk about the weather.

Feeling far from prepared and with half a mind on “fellatio-gate” I was immediately sat down with a call centre veteran to do some “call listening”. The omens were not good. His voice was nothing more than a morbid whisper as he stared at page three of The Sun whilst explaining the benefits of our insurance service. At least 50% of his sales must have been due to the humanity of our customers – fearful of encouraging a suicide case. The first customer he spoke to was a lady called Mrs Sket. I looked to him for a flicker of a smile but he didn’t seem to see the funny side. 

My second session of call listening placed me at the opposite end of the spectrum. This time my partner was the personification of a salesman. Dazzling diamond studs sparkled out of his earlobes and his tie knot was roughly the size of a brick. Each elongated syllable of his voice reverberated around the centre, painfully smooth like a Classic Fm DJ on steroids. Where any normal person would say “insurance” he said “insuuuuuurance”. He was a man who proudly revealed to me that instead of awkwardly hanging up when a customer announced he was grieving the death of his wife, he attempted to doggedly persist with the sale. I started to think that I was not so well suited to the job.

He was put through to an elderly lady and pounced, turning to me with an exaggerated wink. Sleazy as this was, it taught me a valuable lesson – pick your target. Leave the hardened middle aged men (like my Dad) before they swear at you, but exploit any flicker of weakness you hear in the voice of the old and infirm. Pretty predatory behaviour all round. I continued to listen as he promised his unfortunate victim the world when in actual fact all she would get was a mediocre insurance quote. I cringed inwardly as I accepted his offer of a high-five when he completed the sale.

As I tried to get a word in edgeways between calls, he gave me some further pointers on how to survive life in the call centre. His demeanour totally changed as he lowered his voice conspiratorially – a feat I had previously thought impossible. Thrilled that I was a confidant I leant forward eagerly as he revealed what is known as the “doobleh” within the call centre fraternity. The doobleh is where one rinses the same customer twice by hanging up mid-quote, before calling them back and putting them through for a second time. Not the most original terminology admittedly but a useful method to ensure I escape a performance review for poor sales.

After I had completed my first week it was time to check the commission that I had earned. I had spent hours haranguing elderly women, bending the truth and cheating the system. I had taken polite fuck offs, impolite fuck offs and threats to my physical wellbeing. The commission I had earned for 25 hours of work? Ten measly pounds. Maybe the call centre career path is not for me. Unless I can succeed in seducing the manager.