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Cherwell Sport tries out Aussie Rules

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When I was traveling across Australia a few years ago (yeah, gap yah story, deal with it), a helpful Antipodean tried his best to explain the madness that was occuring on the television in front of me. It looked like 36 angry men in coloured wife beaters charging around a cricket pitch with four vertical posts at each end. There was a ball, but it seemed merely incidental. This was my introduction to Aussie Rules football, and a visit to a local derby at the Melbourne Cricket Ground (capacity: 100,000, atmosphere: second to none) later, I was hooked.
It is hard to appreciate just how massive Aussie rules is in Australia when one barely ever hears about it over here. The AFL has a higher average attendance than the Premier League. It is like rugby, both in ball shape and general handling and tackling, and played on a large egg-shaped pitch. The object is to kick the “footie” through the sets of four posts at the end of the pitch to score points, and a few other minor rules aside, that’s pretty much it.
I turned up to the training along with seemingly every Aussie in Oxford. The Rhodes Scholarship and its emphasis on academic and athletic excellence ensures a constant supply of players, and means the annual Varsity match with Cambridge is now in its 91st year. We started off with some drills, designed to get newcomers used to some of the peculiarities of the game. Rather than passing as in rugby, you punch the ball out of your hand with your other fist, in what is known as a handpass. There is also a lot of kicking, and if you catch a kick on the full it is known as a ‘mark’ and is the only time in an incredibly frantic game where you cannot be touched as you are allowed to make the next kick for free, unchallenged.
Training finished with a proper game of eight-on-eight footie. This was chaos, but also great fun. It was incredibly physical, and as, unlike in both rugby codes, there are no offside lines, things can and do happen from any and every direction. You can think you’re clean through and ready to kick a glorious six-pointer (kicks between the two central posts are worth six, others are worth one), when suddenly you’re flattened by an opponent you had no idea was there. 
The ball spent a lot of the time being scrapped over on the ground, making the satisfaction of taking a mark, and being afforded the few seconds’ peace that offers, even greater. There were nuances to the game I didn’t pick up (what I thought were excellent ‘cheeky offloads’ were all immediately pinged for being passes, not handballs), but in terms up of being easy to pick up and play, it was a revelation.
If any rugby players are looking for something a little different, or if you just fancy playing a sport where a team beer after training is not merely encouraged but mandatory, I can’t recommend it enough.

When I was traveling across Australia a few years ago (yeah, gap yah story, deal with it), a helpful Antipodean tried his best to explain the madness that was occuring on the television in front of me. It looked like 36 angry men in coloured wife beaters charging around a cricket pitch with four vertical posts at each end. There was a ball, but it seemed merely incidental. This was my introduction to Aussie Rules football, and a visit to a local derby at the Melbourne Cricket Ground (capacity: 100,000, atmosphere: second to none) later, I was hooked.

It is hard to appreciate just how massive Aussie rules is in Australia when one barely ever hears about it over here. The AFL has a higher average attendance than the Premier League. It is like rugby, both in ball shape and general handling and tackling, and played on a large egg-shaped pitch. The object is to kick the “footie” through the sets of four posts at the end of the pitch to score points, and a few other minor rules aside, that’s pretty much it.

I turned up to the training along with seemingly every Aussie in Oxford. The Rhodes Scholarship and its emphasis on academic and athletic excellence ensures a constant supply of players, and means the annual Varsity match with Cambridge is now in its 91st year. We started off with some drills, designed to get newcomers used to some of the peculiarities of the game. Rather than passing as in rugby, you punch the ball out of your hand with your other fist, in what is known as a handpass. There is also a lot of kicking, and if you catch a kick on the full it is known as a ‘mark’ and is the only time in an incredibly frantic game where you cannot be touched as you are allowed to make the next kick for free, unchallenged.

Training finished with a proper game of eight-on-eight footie. This was chaos, but also great fun. It was incredibly physical, and as, unlike in both rugby codes, there are no offside lines, things can and do happen from any and every direction. You can think you’re clean through and ready to kick a glorious six-pointer (kicks between the two central posts are worth six, others are worth one), when suddenly you’re flattened by an opponent you had no idea was there. 

The ball spent a lot of the time being scrapped over on the ground, making the satisfaction of taking a mark, and being afforded the few seconds’ peace that offers, even greater. There were nuances to the game I didn’t pick up (what I thought were excellent ‘cheeky offloads’ were all immediately pinged for being passes, not handballs), but in terms up of being easy to pick up and play, it was a revelation.

If any rugby players are looking for something a little different, or if you just fancy playing a sport where a team beer after training is not merely encouraged but mandatory, I can’t recommend it enough.

 

India expose English one-day limitations

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Last Tuesday marked the end of England’s humiliating 5 match ODI encounter with India. They lost by 95 runs at Eden Gardens completing India’s bemusing 5-0 whitewash over them. The series saw Indian skipper, MS Dhoni, score 330 runs without losing his wicket once.
But what does this series reveal about the prospects of one day cricket in India and England? Clearly, it has crucial indicators for where cricket is going in both countries. Firstly let us look at India. They have done well to deny England even a single win, after their own ill-fated summer in England. Using the slow, turning pitches of the sub-continent, spinners Ashwin and Jadeja ripped through the England ranks, while middle order batsmen like Virat Kohli made runs effortlessly. 
But there are problems. India is suffering from an exhaustive international schedule, playing full series against the West Indies, Australia, Sri Lanka and Pakistan, in the year to come. It is little wonder that key players such as Tendulkar and Sehwag are injured and did not play in this series as a result. For the first time in living memory, stands for an international series in India were empty: even the Indian public have had enough.
England too has some issues, but it is not time to panic just yet. Unlike India who will cast aside their young prospects such as Rahane and Ashwin, once the likes of Zaheer Khan and Sachin Tendulkar return, England have committed in earnest to a young, developing side: Kieswetter, Patel, Bairstow, Finn and Dernbach are all relatively new names. 
Yes, the middle order consistently collapsed at the hands of the Indian spinners, but don’t forget the glimpses of form shown by Kieswetter and Patel. They are playing the start of 2012 in Pakistan and Sri Lanka: an opportunity to improve against the turning ball. England also has a strong management who rotate players in the context of a very reasonable international schedule.
Clearly, both sides have a lot to take away from this tour, but while England has until January to reflect upon their game, India will already be onto their next series in an exhausting, never-ending season.

Last Tuesday marked the end of England’s humiliating 5 match ODI encounter with India. They lost by 95 runs at Eden Gardens completing India’s bemusing 5-0 whitewash over them. The series saw Indian skipper, MS Dhoni, score 330 runs without losing his wicket once.

But what does this series reveal about the prospects of one day cricket in India and England? Clearly, it has crucial indicators for where cricket is going in both countries. Firstly let us look at India. They have done well to deny England even a single win, after their own ill-fated summer in England. Using the slow, turning pitches of the sub-continent, spinners Ashwin and Jadeja ripped through the England ranks, while middle order batsmen like Virat Kohli made runs effortlessly. 

But there are problems. India is suffering from an exhaustive international schedule, playing full series against the West Indies, Australia, Sri Lanka and Pakistan, in the year to come. It is little wonder that key players such as Tendulkar and Sehwag are injured and did not play in this series as a result. For the first time in living memory, stands for an international series in India were empty: even the Indian public have had enough.

England too has some issues, but it is not time to panic just yet. Unlike India who will cast aside their young prospects such as Rahane and Ashwin, once the likes of Zaheer Khan and Sachin Tendulkar return, England have committed in earnest to a young, developing side: Kieswetter, Patel, Bairstow, Finn and Dernbach are all relatively new names. 

Yes, the middle order consistently collapsed at the hands of the Indian spinners, but don’t forget the glimpses of form shown by Kieswetter and Patel. They are playing the start of 2012 in Pakistan and Sri Lanka: an opportunity to improve against the turning ball. England also has a strong management who rotate players in the context of a very reasonable international schedule.

Clearly, both sides have a lot to take away from this tour, but while England has until January to reflect upon their game, India will already be onto their next series in an exhausting, never-ending season.

Blues hit hard by Exeter

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The Oxford Women’s Rugby Team welcomed Exeter University fully aware that they were in for a challenge. This was always going to be a tough fixture against the team that reached the final of the University Women’s Rugby Cup last year.

The Oxford Women’s Rugby Team welcomed Exeter University fully aware that they were in for a challenge. This was always going to be a tough fixture against the team that reached the final of the University Women’s Rugby Cup last year. 
It would be interesting to see how this relatively unfamiliar Blues side would fare against the league big boys and for the first twenty five minutes at least, Oxford proved a spirited match for their opponents. The scrum was organised and competitive, and possession fairly equal. 
Already though, there were warning signs that the Blues’ carelessness with the ball could prove costly. Handling errors (on both sides, admittedly) meant play was fragmented all too often and Exeter began to show their authority at the line-outs. 
A series of borderline decisions from the match referee did little to help either team’s fluidity, and with neither side showing the sort of play needed to lift play above the middle-of-the-park scrap, a spark was needed to get the game going. 
Finally, with nearly thirty minutes played, Exeter provided the injection of quality the match needed. Oxford had only themselves to blame for this however. A missed tackle left the home side’s backline mercilessly exposed and Exeter’s lightning number 10 took full advantage, grabbing her first try of the afternoon to break the deadlock. The conversion was missed, but the damage was done, and Oxford never really recovered. 
Rather than bring the Blues to life, the five points only seemed to spur on Exeter, who were now well in control of proceedings. A series of injury breaks gave the hosts a chance to regroup, but despite the best efforts of the tacticians on the sidelines, the Exeter girls remained on top, almost cutting open the Oxford backline again on thirty four minutes. A heroic last ditch tackle was all that lay in the way of Exeter extending their lead further.
The green-kitted visitors stayed calm and assured, and minutes later their patience was rewarded with a second try, again scored by their number ten. To make matters worse, the Exeter kicker defied the blustery conditions to notch her first conversion of the meeting. As half-time approached, not even the sight of one of Exeter’s players limping off the pitch could have done much to encourage the Blues, who were now facing a 12-0 deficit.
The second period began in much the same way as the first. Oxford, apparently spurred on by their team talk, began to frustrate their free-flowing opponents – although Exeter’s pace and strength in attack continued to cause trouble.  
With the clock approaching 60 minutes another hammer blow was layed out by the side in green. The Exeter forwards strolled through the Blues backs after another missed interception, and an inevitable try and conversion followed. 
A brief lull in the game’s tempo was then rudely interrupted by another nail in Oxford’s coffin, this time some fine work down the right flank leaving the Blues backline powerless to avoid conceding a further five points. The Exeter fly-half began to find her Jonny 

It would be interesting to see how this relatively unfamiliar Blues side would fare against the league big boys and for the first twenty five minutes at least, Oxford proved a spirited match for their opponents. The scrum was organised and competitive, and possession fairly equal. 

Already though, there were warning signs that the Blues’ carelessness with the ball could prove costly. Handling errors (on both sides, admittedly) meant play was fragmented all too often and Exeter began to show their authority at the line-outs. 

A series of borderline decisions from the match referee did little to help either team’s fluidity, and with neither side showing the sort of play needed to lift play above the middle-of-the-park scrap, a spark was needed to get the game going. 

Finally, with nearly thirty minutes played, Exeter provided the injection of quality the match needed. Oxford had only themselves to blame for this however. A missed tackle left the home side’s backline mercilessly exposed and Exeter’s lightning number 10 took full advantage, grabbing her first try of the afternoon to break the deadlock. The conversion was missed, but the damage was done, and Oxford never really recovered. 

Rather than bring the Blues to life, the five points only seemed to spur on Exeter, who were now well in control of proceedings. A series of injury breaks gave the hosts a chance to regroup, but despite the best efforts of the tacticians on the sidelines, the Exeter girls remained on top, almost cutting open the Oxford backline again on thirty four minutes. A heroic last ditch tackle was all that lay in the way of Exeter extending their lead further.

The green-kitted visitors stayed calm and assured, and minutes later their patience was rewarded with a second try, again scored by their number ten. To make matters worse, the Exeter kicker defied the blustery conditions to notch her first conversion of the meeting. As half-time approached, not even the sight of one of Exeter’s players limping off the pitch could have done much to encourage the Blues, who were now facing a 12-0 deficit.

The second period began in much the same way as the first. Oxford, apparently spurred on by their team talk, began to frustrate their free-flowing opponents – although Exeter’s pace and strength in attack continued to cause trouble.  With the clock approaching 60 minutes another hammer blow was layed out by the side in green. The Exeter forwards strolled through the Blues backs after another missed interception, and an inevitable try and conversion followed. 

A brief lull in the game’s tempo was then rudely interrupted by another nail in Oxford’s coffin, this time some fine work down the right flank leaving the Blues backline powerless to avoid conceding a further five points. The Exeter fly-half began to find her Jonny Wilkinson touch and it came as no surprise when she buried a fine conversion from a tight angle to send her team twenty six points clear.

Emotions began to rise in the Blues area of the touchline as the team’s hard core contingent of followers began to get agitated. This score line had to be kept respectable but still Exeter probed at the hosts’ defence, although Oxford started to show some resilience of their own. 

Finally, with virtually the last action of the match, Oxford huffed and puffed their way to a try, their sheer determination proving too much for the Exeter backs. The welcome five points were met with an expected roar from the crowd. 

Despite the convincing victory for Exeter, Blues Coach Al Heath was in good spirits after the match. He reiterated the proven superior quality of Exeter’s team (the ‘second best in the country’) and said he was ‘not displeased’ with the manner of his side’s loss. 

‘They showed good endeavour’, he remarked, while citing his side’s own mistakes as being the key cause of their downfall. Still, this was a sobering contest after the 43-10 conquest of Cardiff last week, and there will be plenty for the Oxford girls to think about going into next week’s away tie at Bath. They need to come back from Wednesday’s disappointment in order to rebuild their season.

On this day and through the ages

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5th Week is perhaps the low point of the term. The stress levels have slowly increased as any youthful optimism one may have had upon starting the year at Oxford have been crushed by the claustrophobic walls of books in the libraries that have become most people’s horizon.  

5th Week is perhaps the low point of the term. The stress levels have slowly increased as any youthful optimism one may have had upon starting the year at Oxford have been crushed by the claustrophobic walls of books in the libraries that have become most people’s horizon. 
   As we all know, the best way to deal with stress is of course stress-eating. I find the most common source of my sustenance is the fast food vans that line the street every night. However, we must not forget the struggle for rights that these vans fought in Oxford. A landmark was reported in the Cherwell on 10th November 1962. Apparently Young’s hotdog van had been repeatedly harassed by the police and forced to move on, until eventually he ‘appeared before a court on a charge of “unnecessary obstruction”’. His cause seemed hopeless, especially when Young himself remarked that “Sometimes I get more summonses than customers”. However, his brave defence counsel pointed out to the court that there was a principle at stake: ‘the whole institution of hot dog vans’. Thankfully the charges were dropped. Spare a thought for this brave martyr next time you have a kebab, my friends.
Harassment of particular groups seems to be a common theme of 5th week, as it turns out that Oxford was a far more God (or in fact witch) fearing place all the way back in 1991. The November 8th issue reported a row over the ‘Oxford Golden Dawn Occult Society’. Their leader, ‘Mandrake Katon Shual’, complained about harassment of his members, with one student being told she would be ‘unable to continue her studies due to Occult connections’. Even the Diocese of Oxford commented on the society, saying, ‘Occult activities are wrong and forbidden’. However some defended the occultists, with a member of Exeter CU aptly pointing out, ‘You start off harassing people… like Occultists and gays, and end up picking on people for being Catholic or Jewish, or even having acne and wearing orange baseball boots’. Or, indeed, owning a hot dog van. 
 On a brighter note, it seems not everyone is intolerant of eccentrics. On 12th November 2004 Cherwell reported Corpus Christi JCR to have voted to send Fidel Castro a ‘get well soon’ card. This came after he broke an arm and a leg in a fall, claimed by some to be a CIA assassination attempt. 

As we all know, the best way to deal with stress is of course stress-eating. I find the most common source of my sustenance is the fast food vans that line the street every night. However, we must not forget the struggle for rights that these vans fought in Oxford. A landmark was reported in the Cherwell on 10th November 1962. Apparently Young’s hotdog van had been repeatedly harassed by the police and forced to move on, until eventually he ‘appeared before a court on a charge of “unnecessary obstruction”’. His cause seemed hopeless, especially when Young himself remarked that “Sometimes I get more summonses than customers”. However, his brave defence counsel pointed out to the court that there was a principle at stake: ‘the whole institution of hot dog vans’. Thankfully the charges were dropped. Spare a thought for this brave martyr next time you have a kebab, my friends.

Harassment of particular groups seems to be a common theme of 5th week, as it turns out that Oxford was a far more God (or in fact witch) fearing place all the way back in 1991. The November 8th issue reported a row over the ‘Oxford Golden Dawn Occult Society’. Their leader, ‘Mandrake Katon Shual’, complained about harassment of his members, with one student being told she would be ‘unable to continue her studies due to Occult connections’. Even the Diocese of Oxford commented on the society, saying, ‘Occult activities are wrong and forbidden’. However some defended the occultists, with a member of Exeter CU aptly pointing out, ‘You start off harassing people… like Occultists and gays, and end up picking on people for being Catholic or Jewish, or even having acne and wearing orange baseball boots’. Or, indeed, owning a hot dog van.  

On a brighter note, it seems not everyone is intolerant of eccentrics. On 12th November 2004 Cherwell reported Corpus Christi JCR to have voted to send Fidel Castro a ‘get well soon’ card. This came after he broke an arm and a leg in a fall, claimed by some to be a CIA assassination attempt. 

5 Minute Tute- The Eurozone Crisis

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Can you see the Euro surviving beyond this crisis?

A year ago I was saying the Euro might not survive but I thought it was very, very likely that it would. The debate has changed now. Partly, Eurozone leaders have broken a taboo by suggesting that Greece might leave. Partly there is the sense that voters in places such as Germany simply won’t back governments who do what it takes to keep the Euro together. I still expect the Euro to survive but it’s easier and easier to imagine that it will not.

What would be the consequences of Greece being forced to leave the Eurozone?

Some years ago we economists might have been quite sanguine about the idea: it would mean a Greek devaluation, which would make Greek exports more competitive and discourage imports, and so create room for the Greek economy to grow – a kind of cut-price sale for all Greek goods and services. The recent history of Argentina points to this kind of experience. But now we’ve learned the hard way how much the details of the banking system matter. The threat of Greek exit is already crippling Greek banks. The reason is that nobody wants to hold euros inside Greece – with the threat of devaluation – when they could be holding them in Germany instead. A Greek Eurozone exit would be extremely painful for Greece and for the broader Eurozone as a whole.

How likely is that to happen?

It’s clearly quite possible now. This is less about the debt – Greece’s debt cannot be repaid and a Eurozone exit could not change that – and more about Greece’s lack of competitiveness without a devaluation. Ireland has managed to cut wages and prices without a devaluation, but it’s tough to do so, as anyone in Ireland will tell you.

Are any other countries likely to be forced to leave the Eurozone?

 

You’re asking an economist to make a forecast! History should tell you we’re pretty bad at that. Each exit makes a subsequent exit easier to imagine, which adds to these silent bank runs away from periphery banks. It could all become self-fulfilling.

You’re asking an economist to make a forecast! History should tell you we’re pretty bad at that. Each exit makes a subsequent exit easier to imagine, which adds to these silent bank runs away from periphery banks. It could all become self-fulfilling.

Why do people talk about a ‘tipping point’ in the sovereign debt crisis?

When a country such as Italy wants to borrow money it does so by issuing bonds, which are a tradable IOU, a promise to pay a certain sum of money on a certain date. The price of those bonds, obviously, will depend on how likely investors feel they are to be paid. If Italy seems like a risky prospect then the price of its bonds will fall and the implicit interest rate charged when it issues new bonds will rise. But here’s the tricky thing: the risk that investors will not be repaid is intimately bound up with the price of those bonds, and therefore the interest rate. It’s perfectly possible that there are two equilibria: one in which interest rates are low, and rightly so because the money can be repaid; a second one in which bond prices fall (and so interest rates are very high), and  rightly so because investors are unlikely to be properly repaid. Both equilibria are internally consistent, but one’s good news and one is a disaster. The tipping point is about moving from the good equilibrium to the bad one, as Italy seems to have done.

Tim Harford writes the “Undercover Economist” column for the  Financial Times and presents BBC Radio 4’s More or Less. His latest book is  Adapt: Why Success Always Starts with Failure.

The continued importance of the Poppy Appeal

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I am always gratified at this time of year when I see the sheer volume of people, both young and old alike, who are sporting a poppy on their lapels. Over 90 years after the idea was first conceived, the Poppy Appeal is one of the few charitable events that regularly captures the nation’s attention. Unlike others, such as Red Nose Day, it does so without television marathons and celebrity endorsements.

I am always gratified at this time of year when I see the sheer volume of people, both young and old alike, who are sporting a poppy on their lapels. Over 90 years after the idea was first conceived, the Poppy Appeal is one of the few charitable events that regularly captures the nation’s attention. Unlike others, such as Red Nose Day, it does so without television marathons and celebrity endorsements.
Poppies were originally worn in the aftermath of the First World War, which claimed the lives of 800,000 British soldiers alone. Indeed the Poppy Appeal and Remembrance Day can be said to have helped keep alive the enormous fascination and horror the conflict still holds in this country’s psyche today. From programmes like Downton Abbey drawing in millions of viewers, to the growing interest amongst people in the wartime service of their ancestors, the First World War continues to fascinate and repel. 
It is only right that its appalling horrors and vast slaughter are commemorated afresh each year; the scale of the sacrifice reflected in the swathes of poppies that flood our streets is a  ready reminder for a new generation of the futility of war. However, crucial to the poppies’ continuing success is the sad fact of their renewed relevance each year, as fresh blood is spilled in the name of the United Kingdom and elsewhere in different conflicts around the world. As we go about our everyday lives, it is all too easy to forget that people are fighting and dying in our names, whether we like it or not. While war and its terrors may seem a distant prospect to most of us, to all too many people around the world it is an all pervasive reality. 
Remembrance Day and the Poppy Appeal, and the build up to it, is the one time of the year where we as a society really stop and think about the sacrifices made by countless people for us to enjoy the world we do today. It gives us an opportunity to think about how war has shaped Britain, and in a society where negative images of young people are prevalent, it provides a chance to focus on young people who did their duty and are worthy of our total respect. Life is given to war memorials that stand unnoticed and unadorned in many places for much of the year, as they receive the attention they deserve.
  November 11th also provides a chance to reflect on the futility of war. All the young men and women who lost their lives prematurely,deserve not only our respect but also for us to learn the lessons of their deaths. Remembrance Day reminds us of war in all its destructive potential; of how it should only ever be a last resort.
Most importantly of all, the Poppy Appeal and Remembrance Sunday make sure that we us a society never forget. It makes sure we honour the promise made in Binyon’s famous poem, that ‘We Will Remember Them’.

Poppies were originally worn in the aftermath of the First World War, which claimed the lives of 800,000 British soldiers alone. Indeed the Poppy Appeal and Remembrance Day can be said to have helped keep alive the enormous fascination and horror the conflict still holds in this country’s psyche today. From programmes like Downton Abbey drawing in millions of viewers, to the growing interest amongst people in the wartime service of their ancestors, the First World War continues to fascinate and repel. 

It is only right that its appalling horrors and vast slaughter are commemorated afresh each year; the scale of the sacrifice reflected in the swathes of poppies that flood our streets is a  ready reminder for a new generation of the futility of war. However, crucial to the poppies’ continuing success is the sad fact of their renewed relevance each year, as fresh blood is spilled in the name of the United Kingdom and elsewhere in different conflicts around the world. As we go about our everyday lives, it is all too easy to forget that people are fighting and dying in our names, whether we like it or not. While war and its terrors may seem a distant prospect to most of us, to all too many people around the world it is an all pervasive reality. 

Remembrance Day and the Poppy Appeal, and the build up to it, is the one time of the year where we as a society really stop and think about the sacrifices made by countless people for us to enjoy the world we do today. It gives us an opportunity to think about how war has shaped Britain, and in a society where negative images of young people are prevalent, it provides a chance to focus on young people who did their duty and are worthy of our total respect. Life is given to war memorials that stand unnoticed and unadorned in many places for much of the year, as they receive the attention they deserve. 

November 11th also provides a chance to reflect on the futility of war. All the young men and women who lost their lives prematurely, deserve not only our respect but also for us to learn the lessons of their deaths. Remembrance Day reminds us of war in all its destructive potential; of how it should only ever be a last resort.

Most importantly of all, the Poppy Appeal and Remembrance Sunday make sure that we us a society never forget. It makes sure we honour the promise made in Binyon’s famous poem, that ‘We Will Remember Them’.

Review: The Fall – Ersatz GB

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This is The Fall’s 28th studio album so it’s pretty much a miracle the only constant driving force behind the band, Mark E Smith , is producing anything at all that’s creative. Given how many bands descend into mediocrity somewhere around album two or three and spend the rest of their careers filling dingy student unions, enticing people in to buy overpriced cider on the strength of a single decent song anything original is a relief. To be fair, it was unlikely The Fall were ever going to do this. Ersatz GB continues in much the same vein as their last album Your Future Our Clutter – moving forwards with little regard for the line of younger bands running along trying to catch up.

Having already influenced everyone from Nirvana and Sonic Youth to Franz Ferdinand and The Horrors, The Fall are going to continue to inspire with this latest effort. Mediocrity is certainly not present anywhere in this album. Chaos, however, is alive and well. Ten whole glorious tracks of said chaos is pretty much what you get served up here, just about tied down to earth with some solid drumming and bass riffs – but only just. The band, for once, sound pretty tight behind Smith. Right from opener ‘Cosmos 7’ through to the distorted guitar of closing track ‘Age Of Chang’, The Fall aren’t far short of their discordant best. Mark E Smith continues to growl lyrics in a slightly demented way over discordant tunes. The lyrics are as enigmatic as ever: covering everything from Bonjela (‘Taking Off’) to Gossip Girl (‘Nate Will Not Return’) and often not making much sense at all. This is symptomatic of the whole album though; it all requires a second listen, it’s all music that’s interesting and is going to stay interesting. It’s a fresh breath of air among the standard bilge that is, shamefully, so much more popular – ‘I’m so sick of Snow Patrol’ claims Smith, and this couldn’t be a better antidote. If you want to cleanse your mind of the recent Snow Patrol/Coldplay/*insert generic band name here*, turn up the track ‘Greenaway’, sit back, and let the madness cleanse your mind of the drudgery. 

Welcome to the (very Tory) jungle

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There is a rather cynical air wavering off Michael Heseltine as I meet him in his large if spartan office at Haymarket publishers. Famously known as Thatcher’s nemesis, he nearly succeeded the Iron Lady in 1990, and there is still a decidedly Prime Ministerial whiff about him. He oozes confidence. In spite of myself, I’m quite impressed.

There is a rather cynical air wavering off Michael Heseltine as I meet him in his large if Spartan office at Haymarket publishers. Famously known as Thatcher’s nemesis, he nearly succeeded the Iron Lady in 1990, and there is still a decidedly Prime Ministerial whiff about him. He oozes confidence. In spite of myself, I’m quite impressed.
At Oxford Heseltine was an absolutely massive hack. There is a magnificent story about how as an undergraduate Heseltine jauntily wrote his career down on the back of an envelope: ‘Millionaire 25, Cabinet Minister 35, party leader 45, Prime Minister 55.’ Heseltine denies this. ‘I don’t remember it, I think it’s out of character. I don’t think I would have planned my life so meticulously, and I don’t think I was confident enough to believe that it would ever work out in that way.’
But he doesn’t deny the importance of learning how to arbitrarily acrue power even at university. ‘It’s an invaluable stepping stone. I mean, my first day as an undergraduate in Oxford I joined the Union, OUCA, and the University City Association. So it was quite obvious what my interests were and where my ambitions lay in my first day as an undergraduate. I treasure the memories.’ Did it teach him to be a politician? A chortle. ‘I suppose you learn the rough and tumble, the need to create alliances, the need to make a judgment, the ability to make your mind up on issues, the ability to stand up and speak to persuade people that you have merit and that therefore they should support you. Yes, without any doubt it was the most formative part of my early life.’ 
And like any hack worth the name he was heavily involved in Cherwell. Indeed his enormous top floor office is – ha, of course – directly descended from his days as a Cherwell director.  ‘My friend asked me to become a director of the newspaper, which I did, and that’s how I became involved as a publisher, albeit fairly remotely.’ He sort of gestures a bit towards the London power-skyline.
Enough of this self-indulgent prattle. Heseltine is much more interesting for what he says about Europe, his Big Thing. He denies euroscepticism is even possible in a party of government: ‘The fact is that when you get involved in active politics and you have to make the lonely decisions about British self-interest, you can’t escape the questions about British sovereignty that have been woven together for the past thousand years. It’s not like in opposition. You have the president or the chancellor on the phone, and you have to do business with them. So it’s an interwoven relationship from which there is no escape. And shouldn’t be.’
Not surprisingly, when Heseltine was going for gold against Thatcher it was Europe that was the canyon between them. That and their unbelievable egos.
But what really strikes me about Heseltine is his complete lack of ideological charisma. He doesn’t pretend he believes in that much. Europe, yes. Free markets, double yes. But apart from that? I’m not convinced. Not that this is actually bad, because he doesn’t pretend otherwise; he doesn’t pretend he wants the world to be that different to how it is now. When I put this to him it conjures a very long pause. Then he says, ‘Do you have to have an ideology to drive you? I think you could have an ambition to play a role in the conduct of affairs. You could have a certain set of values and a set of convictions as to how society should evolve based on your own morality, on your own convictions, on an understanding of history, on the relative opportunities of the underprivileged, the obligations of power. And if they all add up to an ideology then so be it. But it would be – a friend of mine from Oxford once said to me, ‘Politics is where you play on the wider stage’. And I think that says it all really. It’s so stimulating, so exciting, so potentially of value that once you’ve tasted there’s nothing like it.’ 
Mostly in it for the chase then it seems. Hmm. Interesting. That would explain a lot about his Oxford days. In fact he makes a very pregnant remark about this. The feeling at the top – of being Deputy Prime Minister, say – is apparently not much more brilliant than the feeling of winning an election to be President of the Union. ‘I mean a human being is capable only of certain degrees of feeling. I think it’s a fair point to make. The excitement of the summer of 1954 when I was 21, at the possibility of becoming President of the Oxford Union – I suppose in November of 1990 there was a similar feeling of exhilaration and opportunity. I think that you make a good point to ask about the comparison between the two.’ 
Well. What can I say. But being in power, says Heseltine, is not something you notice especially as you rise up the ladder. ‘You get used to it. It’s not like jumping into a bath of very hot water, you know. The temperature rises as the hot tap fills up the bath.’ Though I suppose thinking you’ll get to turn the hot tap on full, and then being thwarted by the limescale of John Major, must be pretty bloody annoying.
But what does he think of Cameron? First thing to note is that Cameron was a friend of Heseltine’s daughter when young Dave was at Brasenose. And disturbingly, according to Heseltine, ‘He was actually known as ‘Prime Minister’ by his friends at that time. When he was 20, 21.’ Blimey O’Reilly and all that, though perhaps it was merely banter since, as Heseltine points out, ‘You don’t see your daughter’s friends as future Prime Ministers.’ Anyway, now that he is Prime Minister, Cameron has been ‘extremely successful, in the most difficult circumstances. He’s coping with first, the legacy. Secondly, the economic situation, the worst in 80 years. I have no doubt he will win the next election with a majority.’ 
As for the effect of the coalition, it isn’t a problem for Cameron, ‘because there is a feeling amongst some  elements of the Conservative party that they would like to have seen what they call a more virulent or more genuine Conservative party. But in fact in [an all-Tory Government] they would have been up against realpolitik and the balancing nature of the Conservative party itself. There would have been this extraordinary lurch to the right, which Cameron wouldn’t have allowed and doesn’t want and doesn’t believe in and rightly so.’
Heseltine is distinctly optimistic towards the European ideal, especially with regards the Conservative party. ‘I think if you observe what is happening, the determination to preserve the Euro is immense. The British government want to see it survive, the Americans want to see it survive, the Chinese want to see it survive, and the Europeans want to see it survive. So who’s on the outside of the argument?’ Well the right wing of the Tories I suppose. ‘We have lined up two somewhat disproportionate forces.’ 
He smiles. But he isn’t entirely pro-Europe in everything; his opposition to the bureaucracy of it is somewhat trenchant. ‘We have a very orderly world, a very official world, but it doesn’t like stuff that’s untidy or a mess, and so when it sees something that’s a bit vague it tidies it up. Bureaucracies are bureaucracies and they all have this instinct of self-survival and self-enlargement. Human nature, you know.’ 
It was something perhaps he’d liked to have worked on, though he isn’t hugely sure what would have been different if he’d been PM. But the time has come, to use the cricketing metaphors so beloved of eighties Tories, for the bats to be tidied away and the fielders to come in for toasted teacakes. ‘There are people around who say nice things. I’ve had a good innings, and I’m very busy. I don’t sit here working out whether my scorebook has been properly marked.’

At Oxford Heseltine was an absolutely massive hack. There is a magnificent story about how as an undergraduate Heseltine jauntily wrote his career down on the back of an envelope: ‘Millionaire 25, Cabinet Minister 35, party leader 45, Prime Minister 55.’ Heseltine denies this. ‘I don’t remember it, I think it’s out of character. I don’t think I would have planned my life so meticulously, and I don’t think I was confident enough to believe that it would ever work out in that way.’

But he doesn’t deny the importance of learning how to arbitrarily acrue power even at university. ‘It’s an invaluable stepping stone. I mean, my first day as an undergraduate in Oxford I joined the Union, OUCA, and the University City Association. So it was quite obvious what my interests were and where my ambitions lay in my first day as an undergraduate. I treasure the memories.’ Did it teach him to be a politician? A chortle. ‘I suppose you learn the rough and tumble, the need to create alliances, the need to make a judgment, the ability to make your mind up on issues, the ability to stand up and speak to persuade people that you have merit and that therefore they should support you. Yes, without any doubt it was the most formative part of my early life.’

And like any hack worth the name he was heavily involved in Cherwell. Indeed his enormous top floor office is – ha, of course – directly descended from his days as a Cherwell director.  ‘My friend asked me to become a director of the newspaper, which I did, and that’s how I became involved as a publisher, albeit fairly remotely.’ He sort of gestures a bit towards the London power-skyline.

Enough of this self-indulgent prattle. Heseltine is much more interesting for what he says about Europe, his Big Thing. He denies euroscepticism is even possible in a party of government, ‘The fact is that when you get involved in active politics and you have to make the lonely decisions about British self-interest, you can’t escape the questions about British sovereignty that have been woven together for the past thousand years. It’s not like in opposition. You have the president or the chancellor on the phone, and you have to do business with them.

‘So it’s an interwoven relationship from which there is no escape. And shouldn’t be.’ Not surprisingly, when Heseltine was going for gold against Thatcher it was Europe that was the canyon between them. That and their unbelievable egos.

But what really strikes me about Heseltine is his complete lack of ideological charisma. He doesn’t pretend he believes in that much. Europe, yes. Free markets, double yes. But apart from that? I’m not convinced. Not that this is actually bad, because he doesn’t pretend otherwise; he doesn’t pretend he wants the world to be that different to how it is now.

When I put this to him it conjures a very long pause. Then he says, ‘Do you have to have an ideology to drive you? I think you could have an ambition to play a role in the conduct of affairs. You could have a certain set of values and a set of convictions as to how society should evolve based on your own morality, on your own convictions, on an understanding of history, on the relative opportunities of the underprivileged, the obligations of power. And if they all add up to an ideology then so be it. But it would be – a friend of mine from Oxford once said to me, ‘Politics is where you play on the wider stage’. And I think that says it all really. It’s so stimulating, so exciting, so potentially of value that once you’ve tasted there’s nothing like it.’

Mostly in it for the chase then it seems. Hmm. Interesting. That would explain a lot about his Oxford days. In fact he makes a very pregnant remark about this. The feeling at the top – of being Deputy Prime Minister, say – is apparently not much more brilliant than the feeling of winning an election to be President of the Union.

‘I mean a human being is capable only of certain degrees of feeling. I think it’s a fair point to make. The excitement of the summer of 1954 when I was 21, at the possibility of becoming President of the Oxford Union – I suppose in November of 1990 there was a similar feeling of exhilaration and opportunity. I think that you make a good point to ask about the comparison between the two.’ 

Well. What can I say. But being in power, says Heseltine, is not something you notice especially as you rise up the ladder. ‘You get used to it. It’s not like jumping into a bath of very hot water, you know. The temperature rises as the hot tap fills up the bath.’ Though I suppose thinking you’ll get to turn the hot tap on full, and then being thwarted by the limescale of John Major, must be pretty bloody annoying.

But what does he think of Cameron? First thing to note is that Cameron was a friend of Heseltine’s daughter when young Dave was at Brasenose. And disturbingly, according to Heseltine, ‘He was actually known as ‘Prime Minister’ by his friends at that time. When he was 20, 21.’ Blimey O’Reilly and all that, though perhaps it was merely banter since, as Heseltine points out, ‘You don’t see your daughter’s friends as future Prime Ministers.’ Anyway, now that he is Prime Minister, Cameron has been ‘extremely successful, in the most difficult circumstances. He’s coping with first, the legacy. Secondly, the economic situation, the worst in 80 years. I have no doubt he will win the next election with a majority.’ 

As for the effect of the coalition, it isn’t a problem for Cameron, ‘because there is a feeling amongst some  elements of the Conservative party that they would like to have seen what they call a more virulent or more genuine Conservative party. But in fact in [an all-Tory Government] they would have been up against realpolitik and the balancing nature of the Conservative party itself. There would have been this extraordinary lurch to the right, which Cameron wouldn’t have allowed and doesn’t want and doesn’t believe in and rightly so.’

Heseltine is distinctly optimistic towards the European ideal, especially with regards the Conservative party. ‘I think if you observe what is happening, the determination to preserve the Euro is immense. The British government want to see it survive, the Americans want to see it survive, the Chinese want to see it survive, and the Europeans want to see it survive. So who’s on the outside of the argument?’ Well the right wing of the Tories I suppose. ‘We have lined up two somewhat disproportionate forces.’ 

He smiles. But he isn’t entirely pro-Europe in everything; his opposition to the bureaucracy of it is somewhat trenchant. ‘We have a very orderly world, a very official world, but it doesn’t like stuff that’s untidy or a mess, and so when it sees something that’s a bit vague it tidies it up. Bureaucracies are bureaucracies and they all have this instinct of self-survival and self-enlargement. Human nature, you know.’ 

It was something perhaps he’d liked to have worked on, though he isn’t hugely sure what would have been different if he’d been PM. But the time has come, to use the cricketing metaphors so beloved of eighties Tories, for the bats to be tidied away and the fielders to come in for toasted teacakes. ‘There are people around who say nice things. I’ve had a good innings, and I’m very busy. I don’t sit here working out whether my scorebook has been properly marked.’