Friday, April 25, 2025
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Tom Bradby: the next Nick Robinson

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I met with Tom Bradby the day before Osborne’s axe was set to fall. A stressful time for any political pundit, let alone ITV News’ top man in Westminster. Bradby, though, is remarkably laid back. The former student actor has a reputation as a bit of a smooth operator. No doubt this has something to do with his looks, which seem more Hollywood than Holyrood. Indeed, as I found out, he was (partly) inspired to go into journalism by Mel Gibson.

His primary motivation, however, is a desire to be present at era-defining events: “I love history, and my driving force is that every time I studied any period of history, I found myself thinking, god I wish I’d been there. Take the Russian revolution. How amazing would it have been to be in Peterograd when that broke out? Why wouldn’t you want to be there for the great events in your own lifetime? [Journalism] is a great life, and I’ve seen many extraordinary things – not always nice things, but extraordinary.”

As a younger man (Bradby is now 43), he says that he was attracted into foreign affairs by the film The Year of Living Dangerously, in which Mel Gibson plays a foreign correspondent who becomes embroiled in a Communist coup in Jakarta. “Being a foreign correspondent is inherently more glamorous. Ninety-five percent of the time you would not believe how anyone could possibly be paying you to do this – staying in fancy hotels, hanging out under palm trees, riding in helicopters, seeing incredible things. Unfortunately, the five percent that’s really horrible is really, seriously horrible.”

I wonder if the danger is simply too great. “If you get to the stage where I was, by the time I was a fully-fledged correspondent I had three young children. I just found myself thinking, on numerous occasions, I don’t particularly want to die here. You think of your kids who hardly know you, and your wife, and imagine someone asking ‘who was your dad?’. I found that quite difficult to deal with. And then I got shot. In a way, it made it easier, because you always dread something like that happening, and if it does happen, you think: I’ve survived, therefore I must be invincible.”

Bradby was shot in the leg with a flare gun while covering riots in Jakarta. I ask him whether this experience has given him a sense of perspective in his political journalism. “It’s definitely more frightening than interviewing Gordon Brown. I don’t get scared by politicians. I think if you did this job and you allowed yourself to be intimidated, you wouldn’t get very far very fast. Sometimes interviewees get ugly though. Politicians tend to get annoyed if you keep asking the same question.”

Bradby denies that it’s his job to rile politicians up, saying that he doesn’t “go out of his way to create conflict”. So why does it look that way? “If I ask a straight question, it’s very important to get a straight answer. The other day, I asked David Cameron if it was fair that somebody earning £46,000 was losing their child benefit whereas a couple living next door earning £83,000 combined were keeping it. He kept on answering a different question, so I kept repeating the original question. They don’t like that.”

When not subjecting politicians to interrogation, Bradby spends his time writing historical thrillers. He is currently working on his seventh (in eleven years), and claims to rewrite his books eighteen to twenty times each. “I think the main thing about writing is you have to get on and do it. You’ve just got to say ‘I’m going to write between 9 and 12’ and get on with it. I mean, obviously if it’s not there in your head you can’t do it, but the answer is to sit down and start trying to write something. Filling the blank page is always the hardest thing.

Rewriting something is always much easier than writing it down.”
Bradby believes quite strongly that there is no set formula for writing a blockbuster thriller. “I have a personal theory, which is that all great thrillers are kind of flukes. If you look at it, not many people have written more than one or at most two brilliant ones. Thomas Harris wrote Silence of the Lambs, which is a brilliant thriller, but the next book he wrote [Hannibal] was absolute drivel, I mean terrible, awful. It didn’t work at all.”

Tom Bradby’s predecessor at ITN was Nick Robinson – notoriously the president of OUCA while at University College. I ask Bradby whether he has any similar skeletons in the closet. “No definitely not! I’ve never done anything that is overtly political in any way, shape or form. I’m sort of the anti-activist. Every single time I go to every party conference, every year, there’s a moment when I watch people queueing up, and I think – what are these people doing? I mean, obviously I understand that we need politicians, and we need political activists, I just don’t have a set of views that is coherent from one hour to the next. That’s not to say I don’t have strong opinions on things; I probably think quite to the left on some things, and quite to the right on others. I just don’t really view myself as anything.”

I am curious to know how Bradby’s peers at Edinburgh University would have reacted to the Browne review. “Oh incredibly badly. The Scots would have been manning the barricades.” Bradby, who had covered the Poll Tax riots as editor of his student paper, went on to mourn what he sees as the effective dying-out of student militancy: youthful idealism has, to some extent, migrated from the streets to the Facebook group. This prompted Bradby to express regret for our generation: “University used to be much less a sort of jobs factory, and much more of a place to find yourself. There was less pressure on it. It was a time to kick back, be yourself, and enjoy life. With debt hanging over you it loses that sense of carelessness. It’s less attractive now.

There’s a horrible sense that some of us have in some way let down your generation. I do feel that. We had it pretty good, we had more or less free university, we had good jobs when we left, some of us got into final salary pension schemes for a while. You or the next generation of students are all going to leave university with massive debt, you’re never going to be able to afford to buy a house, because they’re hideously expensive, you’re never going to have a decent pension and you’ll have to work till you’re about 80. There’s not a lot to be joyous about, is there? Unless you go into investment banking, you’re just going to struggle on through life. I don’t know anyone of my age group of any political persuasion who thinks that’s anything other than bloody unfortunate, really.”

Debt and struggle make for a grim forecast. Looking for something positive to say about being a student, I ask Bradby whether he remembers his freshers’ week. “God, I do! I remember- I tell you, I’m a reasonably gregarious person, but freshers’ week is the only time in my life when I’ve literally gone up and said hello to people I like the look of – I don’t mean girls I like the look of per se – just people who look like they’d be good fun. I’ve never done that before and I’ve never done it since. It’s quite liberating, in a way, to walk up to anyone and say ‘Hi, I’m Tom, how are you?’. From doing that, I’ve ended up with some really good friends, who are still really good friends now.” We both decided that, at the very least, this had to be reason enough to go to University. Stuff the debt.

The week that was: Anti-Browne Protests

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What happened?

Thursday. The High Street. Quietly bustling with tourists. Brasenose and Univites work solidly beneath the towering spires of All Soul’s. Suddenly (it was remarkably sudden) a great horde of a couple of hundred students, staff and random anarchists comes streaming down the street. They’re waving placards and making lots of shouty sounds. ‘Vince Cable shame on you, shame on you for turning blue’ was one. Alighting next to the Schools, the mobocrats mill around for about ten minutes. Some people were protesting against the Browne review which, as you surely know by now, proposes huge increases in tuition fees and cuts in university funding. Vince Cable, the Business Secretary, cancelled his talk in the Schools at the last minute. The protest was designed to coincide with this visit. The organisers decided to go ahead with it anyway.

What the papers say

It got on the BBC news. ‘Cable cancels Oxford visit’ drooled the press. Yet again, the Oxford angle is what makes the story.
What the dear old Cherwell had to say was more focussed on the protests themselves, or rather the reaction to them. Police were allegedly heavy-handed, perhaps excessively so. One St Hildan remarked, ‘I saw two cops trying to beat up a guy, I asked them to stop and a policeman grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the floor’. Sizzling stuff, especially when there were originally no scheduled plans for protests.

What now?

Unless Cable had actually been bludgeoned to death on arrival – not completely inconceivable given the violent SWP-themed protestors – it is hard to see what difference this will make to government policy. The sad thing is that if the protests hadn’t happened and Vince hadn’t cancelled, he would have been able to answer questions from an all-welcome student audience. This might have given him a better idea of what their views are. Instead he just sits in an office being told what the civil service wants him to be told. It’s a sad day for democracy: voices aren’t heard and there’s bugger all change. It was, however, a grand day out, and what’s also brilliant is that politicians were clearly too terrified to face the very people who use the services they want to cut. But by all accounts the a watered-down Browne review will pass the House of Commons and give future students an awful lot of debt. So for all the waving and shouting and being thrown to the floor, nothing will change.

5 Minute Tute: The Brazilian election

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What was the presidential election about?

The election of 2010 was a basically a plebiscite: did voters approve of the last eight years President Lula’s government? The answer was yes. Lula’s two terms in office were marked by strong economic growth, low inflation, rising personal incomes, declining inequality and a greater presence of Brazil on the international stage. In 2010, the outgoing President commands an 80% approval rating and the economy will grow by more than 7%. In opinion polls, large majorities of Brazilians expressed their hope that the next president would continue Lula’s policies. Not surprisingly, Lula’s preferred candidate, Dilma Rousseff, won handily.

Why has Lula’s Party been so successful?

Founded in 1980, the Workers’ Party (PT) defined itself as a “democratic socialist” party and as a “modern” party, meaning that it rejected traditional corrupt political practices. Over the next two decades it moved toward the centre-left not simply as a result of global ideological changes but also because of trial and error at the local level. By the time Lula won power in 2002, nearly a third of Brazilians had lived under PT mayors or state governors, and voters were familiar with the party’s reputation for innovative, transparent government. There is also no doubt that Lula’s charisma and leadership skills were hugely important. Lula taught the PT that the left could not govern alone, but only by making cross-party alliances with the centre and right.

What will it mean for Brazil abroad?

Brazil’s influence has grown in recent years partly because global power shifts (e.g. the rise of China, the decline of the U.S. economy) have provided new windows of opportunity. The country is fortunate to have a talented diplomatic corps which is particularly astute at acting within international organizations, so it has seized many new opportunities. But again, the respect accorded to the globetrotting Lula (“Bono with a beard”) has enhanced Brazil’s visibility and stature. President Dilma will maintain the general lines of Brazilian international strategy, without presidentializing the policy-making process. She is a managerial personality with a strong domestic impulse, and is more interested in focusing on Brazil’s infrastructure than on its global projection. Diplomats will once again step into that role.

What is the future for Brazilian democracy?

Brazil is a consolidated democracy. The system is based on intense competition and high participation, and there are no major anti-democratic forces. This was the fifth consecutive election fought between the same two parties (PT and PSDB), and once again the victor (Dilma Rousseff) has a strong mandate. But Lula is a tough act to follow. It is hard to overestimate Lula’s impact on national politics (one has to go back to 1960, to find a presidential election in which he was not a candidate), so all eyes will be on the relationship between the former president and his successor.

Worth their weight in goals…

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Player-power is an abstraction that, according to many, is ruining the Beautiful Game: the Bosman Ruling (whose eponym has been firmly struck from Ian Holloway’s Christmas-card list) was incepted as a means of bringing balance to the club-player relationship, as an aid for the humble footballer in the face of vast corporate growth and greed. But the pendulum has swung too far, and a burgeoning cohort of elite superstars are beginning to reckon themselves untouchable, entitled to demand weekly figures that soar to previously inconceivable elevations.

Ok, this is old news in 2010. Ever since Abramovich led the charge of global financiers way back in the first half of the decade, football has changed beyond what the boldest forecasts could have predicted: it defies earthly economics, flourishing while the rest of the world falters in fiscal catastrophe, and continues to field a product that, absolutely invariably, keeps the fans glued at least to their TVs (if not necessarily to their stadium seats).

But my point is this: at some time in the recent past, the equilibrium between business and sport has been disrupted, and, in the avaricious eyes of too many players, cash has become more sought-after than success in the prosperous meadow of the Premier League. The grass is greener where the notes are crisper, end of story. At least Ronaldo harboured the boyhood fantasy of playing in Madrid: I love my home-town, but what really brought YaYa Toure to Manchester- enviable urban regeneration, or 200,000 grand a week? Not bad for a holding midfielder.

It isn’t blind nostalgia that makes so many fans look back in regretful wistfulness to the relative utopia of 90s English football: we might only have sent one team into the nascent Champions League, and the standard of play was indubitably lower, but we enjoyed domestic campaigns that could crown an unlikely champion in Blackburn Rovers (in fact, they were big-time bankrolled too, weren’t they?) Materialism hadn’t hit the football realm quite so forcefully, anyway, and we were still years from the prospect of a top-flight club flirting with administration and annihilation.

Rooney both typifies this plague and breaks new ground, leveraging his own unquestionable importance to United against an apparently new found, voracious hunger for £££s. He is a landmark case, because his situation seemed so settled, so content. 30 minutes from his beloved home and winning trophies, Rooney was loving life, and then what? The circus closed, and he decided to stay, albeit on a wildly inflated contract. (I still think he’s going to go, either in January or in the summer- read next week for the full conspiracy theory. You’ll have heard it here first, I promise.) He is a fresh precedent, a pioneer in the art of extorting your besotted employer for every last penny of potential earnings.

Where money is generated in such huge quantities, though, there’ll inevitably be a matching aggregate of rapacity and mercenariness. Football is all boom and no bust, which is perhaps a great misfortune as far as the purists are concerned. The sad fact is that, seemingly, we can do nothing to halt the moral decline: players will kiss a crest on Saturday and repudiate it on Monday, so long as the price is right. What a shame that such mammonism has seeped out from the boardroom, intoxicating our pitches and infecting our players.

Protestors? Pah

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Tea, history and football are three things that Britain is world-renowned for. As I sat doing some history in Brasenose Library last Thursday, it suddenly dawned on me that the British are awful at protests.

Looking down on the High Street at the swathe of students marching against the Browne Review last Thursday, this was clear for all to see. Protesters were queuing and walking round with an air of politeness that the British public are world famous for. There were obviously no football fans in the crowd, either, because the chants were rubbish too. The protesters had no coherent idea about what they were protesting about. The spending cuts? Fee rises? The creation of a Marxist state? I honestly couldn’t tell you.
Unlike the Americans, the British do not do a good peaceful protest. We cannot muster up enough support to march peacefully and effectively. No Britain has a made an oratorical submission to the history of peaceful protest to rival that of Malcom X or Martin Luther King for African American Civil Rights.

Unlike the French, we cannot do violent protest either. In 1968, Parisian students, disgusted at a ban on having women in their rooms, decided to take over the city and came close to overthrowing the government. Now, there were some banners last Thursday which said ‘change the streets of Oxford into Paris’, but this simply isn’t the British way. Violent and forceful British protests usually lead to claims of police brutality from protesters and the police saying that they were just responding to violence instigated by troublemakers. It’s safer than Paris, though – there, they sent in the army and the president retreated to a nuclear bunker.

What was achieved by the Oxford protests? They stopped Vince Cable from visiting, they caused the Bod and Brasenose to shut down, and gave the Socialist Worker its widest circulation in Oxford since World War Two.

But, although they achieved little of value, the protests still provided me with light entertainment for the afternoon. They also provided great distraction from my essay and also proved that radicalism is not dead in Oxford just yet. We just need to put a bit more effort into it.

Obama can’t breathe easy

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As I walked around Oxford yesterday, I was struck by the number of leaves changing colour: it seems as if everything’s changed from a week or two ago, when many fewer of those leaves had fallen and it still felt as if the vestiges of an Indian summer remained. Now it feels decisively like autumn. There’s a crisp chill in the air, a reminder that winter will soon arrive. And the coming of winter means many things to many people. To me, yes, it will mean colder weather and a greyer sky – but it also means snow, Christmas lights and holiday music, which I love. Looking ahead to winter, it might seem hard to choose – whether it is one’s favourite or most hated season?

The swirling of those leaves is an uncanny reminder of the day, very late in September, when I walked into Town Hall in my Connecticut town and sat down to vote early, an option given in my state at the time I was home (though, as they did not yet have ballots with the names of the candidates printed on them, I was given a list and wrote them in myself). It still felt like the end of summer then, but writing down names on the ballot provided, if temporarily, a glimpse into the future.

And the next day I got on a plane at Newark Airport and arrived in England, where the weather was already much cooler and autumn seemed to spring eternal. This physical relocation mirrored itself in the transformation of my mindset, now attuned, as were those of most Americans, to the midterm elections and to what they would bring to our country.

I consider myself an independent, probably leaning conservative fiscally, and a bit more liberal culturally. Without naming the candidates I voted for, suffice it to say that I looked past the parties they belonged to and focused more on the issues they stood for. This resulted in split-ticket voting, not pulling the lever straight down one party line. In a state like mine, you’ll see many more independently-minded members of both parties, because of the regional differences and disparate wings of both the Republicans and Democrats. And more extreme positions on many of the issues won’t fly.

At least, that’s what I’d thought. Throughout October, I would read the New York Times and Wall Street Journal and Washington Post online, headlines appearing every day about the triumph of candidates whose candidacy in any other year but this would have been unthinkable. The rise of the Tea Party and its influence on both the Republican establishment and the minds of voters across America marked a significant new wave in a swiftly rolling tide.
The Tea Party’s rise seems to have crested in this election. Charlie Crist, previously believed to be a shoo-in for the Florida Senate as a moderate Republican, last night finished a distant second to upstart Marco Rubio after dropping out of the Republican primary to run as an independent. Rand Paul, son of libertarian presidential candidate Ron Paul, managed a similar feat in Kentucky, defeating Trey Grayson (handpicked by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell) in the Republican primary and trouncing his Democratic opponent in the election.

On the other hand, Tea Party candidates whose campaigns proved more controversial and who seemed less qualified for office did not prevail. Harry Reid, who against any other Republican candidate probably would have lost his Senate seat in Nevada, prevailed over Sharron Angle. And in Delaware, Democratic candidate Chris Coons trounced Christine O’Donnell, confirming the belief of many in the political world that her initial defeat of Mike Castle in the Republican primary would cost the party a good chance at picking up another Senate seat.

So it would seem that just like the leaves swirling in the wind, marking an inevitable change in the season, the Republican victory this midterm signalled a decisive shift in the balance of power in Washington. Although the votes have not all been tallied at this time, the Republicans have picked up at least 60 seats to gain a majority in the House of Representatives, and at least 6 seats in the Senate, which they will not control. They’ve also picked up a multitude of governorships.

A race or two in my own state is still undecided, as are others across the nation, but the focus has now shifted to what this new Congress will do. Winter may be coming, but whether it will be one of grey skies and sleet, gloom and doom, or one of white snowflakes swirling to replace the autumn leaves and joyous holiday cheer remains to be seen, as does the direction of the action our government will take. One can only hope that its members will come together to put our country on the right track.

Cherwell’s House Doctor

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What’s the difference between separate tenancies, a joint tenancy, or a tenancy in only one person’s name?

Simon says: Separate tenancies are for bed-sits/rooms. A Joint tenancy is for a group of sharers and will be an Assured Shorthold Tenancy; this is the most common agreement for students and sharers. A tenancy in one person’s name could be for one person taking the tenancy along with “persons permitted to reside” This is not recommended for groups of sharers.

Cherwell says: There are lots of ins and outs of what type of tenancy to pick. All Cherwell advises is that you don’t let a parent be your landlord. Yes, you probably get to keep the house afterwards, but getting your friends to pay you rent is awkward to say the least, as if your mum ringing the house phone as you’re trying to get your house party on.

What are the key things to look for in the small print of a tenancy agreement?

Simon says:Joint & several; this means that all parties to the agreement, tenants and guarantors are all responsible for all parts of the agreement. This means if three of four pay the rent and the fourth doesn’t, the balance can be claimed from the three who have paid their share. Not great if you’ve got an unreliable friend.

TDS: The Tenancy Dispute Scheme; All deposits must be protected by the agent or landlord

Checkout fees: Is there a charge at the end of the tenancy for checking the property and is this lower if you leave the property well maintained.

Any other fees – make sure they are clearly stated. You don’t want to be charged an ‘undisclosed amount’.

Cherwell says: Like an exam paper question, just make sure you read it. Twice. When you’re not hungover.

What do you do if your landlord is refusing to refund part or all of a deposit, for a reason you dispute?

Simon says: The return of the damage deposit is the number one cause of dispute between landlords and tenants and the one which most frequently ends up being resolved by the courts. Firstly you should always arrange to walk around the property about a month before the end of the tenancy to ask what the landlord or agent expects to be done, especially before making bodged repairs or decoration. Speak to your agent if you have any queries. You should refer to your copy of the inventory and aim to return the property in the same condition as it was at the start. ‘Wear and tear’ is not a phrase that allows for cleaning or damage. If you really can not reach an agreement (in Oxford most normally do) on deductions, refer to your agreement for details on where your deposit is protected and how to instigate a dispute.

Cherwell says: If your landlord is refusing to refund part or all of the deposit and you disagree with his reason then you need to go all superhero on his ass and take some (legal) action.

Firstly, write to your landlord asking for the return of the deposit and reasons in writing as to why he is retaining it. Keep copies of any letters you send or receive, because you’ll need them if you have to take action in the county court. If you are not happy with the landlords response (or if he’s not so-politely ignoring you), you will need to seek advice about where to go for help either negotiating with the landlord or taking them to court.http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk is the best place to go to get yourself started.

Something has broken and our landlord is saying it’s not his problem or avoiding our calls. Where do we stand?

Simon says: If it is something that belongs to the landlord and has stopped working, the landlord should fix the item. Try other methods of contacting your landlord – email for example. If you still cannot reach your landlord, speak to the Environmental Health dept at the Council. If it is something that has broken through neglect or misuse, you should pay for the item to be fixed yourselves.

Cherwell says: Whatever tenancy agreement you have signed the landlord has a duty to carry out certain repairs. The Landlord and Tenant Act 1985 obliges a landlord to repair the structure and exterior of the premises. The Act also covers disrepair to the heating, water supply and toilet system. So, hot water, hot air and a flushing toilet are pretty much guaranteed, if you can get your landlord on the phone. Exploding boilers are always the landlords responsibility. The red wine stains on the carpet after your MENTAL houseparty are not. Ditto for the broken window that the awful rugby boy, who noone thinks is funny, smashed as some hilarious gag.

We have a mouse infestation, whose responsibility it is to deal with them?

Simon says: A common sense approach is best, mouse traps are very cheap and work well with a smear of Nutella or peanut butter but you can ask your agent or landlord who will usually contact a pest control company or the Council. Remember though if the cause is brought about by rubbish left by you, expect to be charged.

Cherwell says: Unless they’re the cute mice from Disney’s Cinderella that talk and help you get dressed in the morning, get rid of them as soon as possible. You will have to argue with the landlord about whose responsibility it is to deal with them – if they got in through a giant hole in the wall, then it’s probably the landlord’s fault. If you’ve had a pile of discarded cheese festering in your living room for the last month, it’s probably all on you. If you have rats, your local authority Environmental Health Department should come round and deal with the problem free of charge.

We want to leave a contract earlier than it permits, what happens now?

Simon says: It depends on your tenancy agreement. You should check whether it is for a fixed term, whether there is a break-clause. It is usually unlikely that you will be able to change the agreement; this is to protect you and means that the landlord can not change the terms half way through your tenancy. It is always worth asking your agent or landlord.

Cherwell says: If you want to leave a contract earlier than it permits, it is very difficult to do this without the agreement of the landlord. There are some very rare occasions when a tenant or a licencee has the right to leave early, regardless of the landlords wishes – but these are long and arduous to explain.

A friend has moved out and we’ve signed a ‘joint tenancy agreement’, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Your friend must continue to pay their share of the rent until a new agreement is signed by all the new parties, until that time the total monthly rent for the property still needs to be paid regardless of your friend moving out

Cherwell says: Never talk to them again. That is, unless they moved out because you are vile to live with, in which case, it probably won’t make a difference.

Creaming Spires

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The Browne Review. No, I’m not still talking about anal sex. My homofriendual read that article last week and said it seriously put him off the poo chute for a while, and nobody wants that, so I’ll leave off the bumholio for a while. At least textually (boom boom). But yes, The Browne Review. You know what I’m talking about, the fact that university is going to cost a gazillion pounds and the only people who will be able to go are the large of teeth, the big of hair, the thick of skin – yes, YOU’VE GOT IT, the fabulously rich.

But if most people get sexually awakened in university these days (frigid bitches – cheeky fingers were pretty much on the curriculum in my secondary school) how will this affect sex? If you’re the only person milling around campus without a double-barrelled surname, second home in San Tropez or a braying tone of voice, what kind of nasty are you going to be doing? Well, we can assume first of all that after homoerotic goings on in their boarding schools, the He-Rahs will have a high pain tolerance and a tendency to associate sex with power. Standard.

The She-Rahs, on the other hand, will favour the girl-on-top, or the reverse cow-girl, because she hasn’t spent hours on that huge head of hair for nothing. Years of trophy wives have given her the gift of volume, and there’s no way she’s giving that up for easier access to the g-spot, yah? Don’t be so bladdy stupid. You povvo. One could argue that the picture I paint is not dissimilar from Oxford now, we have a disproportionately high Rah-ratio (rahtio?) despite equal opportunities/outreach/the fact that every Rah one meets seeming inexplicably retarded.

Perhaps that’s explained by the fact He and She-Rahs largely interbreed. They favour their own kind. You can hardly blame them. Imagine encountering a naked body not lightly tanned from a brief spell in Bermuda, imagine waking up on cotton-mix sheets (ew), imagine encountering a climactic cry, the vowels of which are not elongated. Nasty. Why pig out on burgers when there’s so much prime rib-eye steak wandering around Kukui these days? And it’s just going to become easier for them to avoid us sex-hungry, thin-haired, inferiorly educated losers when this Browne Review kicks in. University graduates will be the best-educated, most sexually satisfied people in the world. Suddenly I feel my natural political apathy subside. I could take part in a march later. Or I could just do a Browne Review of my own. And this time, I am talking about anal.

On your marks, get set

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An event both highly regarded and ridiculously fun, this year’s swimming cuppers took place at Rosenblatt Pool in the Iffley Sports Complex. In this refreshingly cool and over-chlorinated venue, 15 college swim teams competed for points in eight events. Colleges racked up points depending on where their swimmers finished in each overall event. Oxford University Swim Club (OUSC) members, all outstanding athletes with toned swimmer bodies, organised the event and were only allowed to swim in the relays.
Impressive performances in the individual events included Thomas Bloomfield of Exeter in the men’s 100 IM and Alice Gatland of St. Catz who pulled off a stunning 31-second 50 freestyle. But the most remarkable of the individual races was the men’s 50 free, which required a time of 0:25.25 to win. Olivier Dudas of Magdalen took 1st place there.

The Magdalen relay team was out to dominate the men’s 4×25 freestyle and none were able to beat them. The women’s 4×25 freestyle relay race revealed a surprise when a St.Catz team finished a strong 1st. Placing Alice Gatland, winner of the 50 free, as anchor was a tactical manoeuvre unforeseen by the Magdalen women, who still managed to finish second.
As the scores were read off, it was no surprise when Magdalen finished with a first place record score of 162 points. St. Catz, due to its very strong women’s relay team, finished second with 67 points. Trinity, close behind, finished third with 57 points.

From the player’s mouth

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JCR Women’s Football

New Women 3

Somerville Women 0

After Somerville 2nds rather humiliating 16-0 defeat last weekend, Somerville 1sts clearly had something to prove. Fearing the might of the New College squad just 3 leagues below them the Somerville Captain limited their availability to Saturday at the same time as the OUWAFC football training in a vindictive effort to remove half of New’s team.

New’s ten man squad was therefore dwarfed by a Somerville team that not only had subs but also a coach, a referee and a linesman in what was an unprecedented show of support from Some of an earlier agreement to play the match with reduced numbers on each side, Somerville’s captain was reluctant to make good this promise in person. Barely had 5 minutes been played when New College’s star winger-come-Mathematician, Amy Bond shouted in disgust that Somerville had 11 players on the pitch – turns out a maths degree is useful after all.

Any early bets would certainly have gone Somerville’s way as New found themselves severely under pressure for much of the first half. Only the safe hands of keeper Emily Benn and a tackle from Captain Robyn Parody, so good that even the referee mentioned it, kept New in the game.

A fantastic counter attack from New paid off as Meg Goulding opened the scoring for the visitors and tensions ran high as a clear handball from Somerville’s defence went unnoticed by the referee in an unambiguous attempt to even out some of the more questionable decisions from last weeks game.

New’s tenacity paid off when in the second half they were joined by eleventh player and lynchpin of the midfield Liz Betterbed. The chances kept coming for New as Somerville failed to mount a meaningful attack on goal. The final scoreline of 0-3 is further evidence that performance in the league means nothing when it comes to the unpredictability of the Cuppers competition.

Robyn Parody

Oxford Blues Rugby Friendly

Oxford Blues 17

Cardiff Blues 22

After disappointing fans with an opening fixture rout at the hands of a rampant London Wasps the onus was on Oxford to give an expectant crowd something to shout about. Athough maybe not quite as strong as London Wasps, Oxford still came up against a stern test in their welsh namesakes the Cardiff Blues.

The opening to the game was not quite as fluid as the opening fixture and the gulf in class not quite so obvious. Some scrappy midfield play and needless penalties led to the eventual exchange of kicks at goal. Cardiff made the breakthrough and scored the first try of the night midway through the first half, some quick passing moved the ball out to the wing and an excellent finish gave Cardiff some early breathing space. However, with the resultant conversion missed, Oxford still had a way back into the match before half time. Indeed they did just that just before the break with eventual man of the match Louis Mather scoring the opening try of the night for the Blues. This optimism was short lived and another quick score from Cardiff saw them lead 14-10 at the break.

The second half did not see quite so much action; the two teams were fairly evenly matched. Oxford Blues scored the early try, but a penalty from Cardiff meant that the scores were level at 17-17 going into the last five minutes. Unfortunately for Blues a late lapse in concentration led to a score which put a dampener on a much improved performance as Cardiff ran out eventual winners 22-17.

Cherwell Sport

JCR Football Premier Division

Christ Church 4

St Hilda’s 1

Premier Division champions Christ Church defeated a resilient St. Hilda’s team 4-1 to progress to the second round of Cuppers. Hilda’s play in college football’s lowest tier, but impressively overcame the gulf in league positions to hold the favourites at half-time, 1-1.

ChCh took a lead after 25 minutes, fresher and new Blue Zander Whitehurst capitalizing on some confused defending: after their goal, the home side settled into a skilful rhythm, working the wings and creating plenty of scoring opportunities. Captain Chris Wallwork’s new-look 4-3-3 was, in his own humble words, ‘a tactical masterclass of a decision’. Complacency began to creep, though, and Hilda’s tenacious perseverance was rewarded; an incisive through-ball split a usually watertight defence, assisting a neat finish that deftly beat the Christ Church goalkeeper.

Anything can happen in the unpredictable maelstrom of a Cuppers match, and the 2nd half began with a palpable shift of momentum: Hilda’s attacked with pace and power for a dominant 5 minute period before ChCh were able to reassert their superiority. The span in quality shone through as legs soon tired, with Whitehurst’s second goal, a low drive, killing off the Hilda’s comeback. The House added a further two goals as the match wore away, one from a stunning passage of possession at the hour mark, and another from a clear, indisputable penalty.

Remarkably for a team that has been such a dominant powerhouse in recent times, this was Christ Church’s first Cuppers victory in 3 years. Richard Bath, a stalwart 4th year midfielder, is the lone witness from that last win: ‘To triumph in another Cuppers game means the world to me, it really does. A deep run in the competition before my retirement would cap a great career. We’ve won the league, and now we’re hungry to taste success again.’

Scott Mody