Friday 23rd January 2026
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Giant-Baby and The End of Love

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‘We see an ancient white crescent moon against black. He is smoking. He whispers a song to himself.’ So reads a stage direction in David Austen’s new film showing at Modern Art Oxford. Austen’s installation and an exhibition of sculptures by Thomas Houseago form the gallery’s new season of work which surprises us by questioning traditional motifs and materials, and sometimes confronts us with images of terrible loneliness.

The centre piece of Austen’s show is the film, The End of Love (2010), in which twelve figures perform soliloquies to an empty theatre. The artist’s creation here extends far beyond the poetry the characters speak: Austen’s background in 2D work gives the film a strikingly painterly sensibility. At one point, the frame is filled with a character’s growing shadow on the stage behind him, swelling as the camera shifts angle like a beautiful inkstain.

By placing the characters on stage, the film seems to play with ideas of what it means to be a performer – are we protected by the mask of costume, or vulnerable? The harsh spotlighting means none of the figures can hide from our attention, but they don’t seem to desire this – they are stuck and struggling. ‘Please dear, there is a dark hole here where my heart should be’ pleads a young man in a dandyish suit beneath a sign reading ‘The Death of Love’. When Austen himself is asked to talk about the bleakness of this film, he replies with a small shrug, ‘You should see my last one…’

The use of 12 sections adding up to make a film just over an hour long perhaps suggests the 12 apostles of Christ – but there is no thirteenth figure here, and any idea of salvation is brutally cut short, remaining only in the hope of some of the speakers that love might one day find them.

Images of loneliness also feature heavily in the work by Thomas Houseago – a British artist like Austen, based in LA. His monumental mixed media sculptures involve the body in their making hugely, and there is a palpable sense of the pressures of the artist’s body manipulating the surfaces of the work. The oversized Coins (Stacked) (2010) against a gallery wall, for example, were first rolled out as clay onto a studio floor and then cast in aluminium. Their evident weight, resting monumentally in place, is a playful contrast with the idea of featherweight loose change jangling in your pocket.

This exhibition is also the first time Modern Art Oxford has collaborated with the Ashmolean, installing five Houseago sculptures there. Michael Stanley, MAO’s curator, says this collaboration arose from ‘the nature and the content of the work, it really asks for it’ – and it’s striking to walk through the Ashmolean’s Cast Gallery where the sculptures sit next to plaster copies of ancient, often fragmentary figures. ‘With the casts there’s also this snobbishness that they’re not the original objects, and I think that’s really quite interesting in terms of that point of translation,’ Stanley comments.

We can see this translation in the way that often Houseago’s sculptures are intentionally truncated – an enormous pair of legs standing alone, for example – whereas many of the casts are missing limbs, but entirely by accident. Houseago’s work ‘oscillates and plays with and questions those two lineages of classical figuration and modernist abstraction.’ Ancient and modern sculpture practices interact and elements of one become reflected in another: ‘the fingers of clay in Legs (Landslide) become the serpent in the cast of Laocoon.’

Back in MAO, the simplicity of Houseago’s colours encourages your eye to focus on the varied forms of the sculptures. Their shapes sometimes free us from a burdensome sense of seriousness: oversized domestic references like spoons and dummies are juxtaposed with sprawling human figures and harsh, angular masks.

The focus of the works on show is Baby’ (2009-10) a nine-foot sculpture of a crouching figure with a skull-like head and huge, empty eyes. As Stanley points out, it includes both rounded forms made out of ‘thick fingers of clay’ and 2D surfaces marked with graphite and charcoal. The sculpture feels bare, but not in an unfinished sense: we can see exposed parts of the iron, wood and hemp involved in its construction and these only add to the sense of its weightiness, as an object rooted in place. There is something almost ape-like about the gigantic figure with its sense of tightly-coiled energy. Stanley describes the ‘play between the aggression of the image and the title of Baby, and they [the figure sculptures] do have this incredible pathos about them. They’re aggressive, but they’re resigned at the same time.’

This tension between aggression and vulnerability is everywhere in Houseago’s work, and the enormous eyes of Baby seem to bore into you with an uncomfortable question. ‘It’s quite a tough show in many ways,’ Stanley admits. ‘Along with The End of Love, we’ve gone for something really upbeat for Christmas.’

Thomas Houseago and David Austen are showing at Modern Art Oxford and The Ashmolean until 20th February 2011. Admission free.

Tutors video admissions process

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Oxford University has opened up its admissions process more than ever before with a series of video diaries charting the experience of tutors during the interview process.

Mike Nicholson, Director of Undergraduate Admissions, commented, “We want to be as open and transparent about the process as possible, and show prospective applicants what it’s like for those making decisions about who to admit.”

However, the video diaries have been greeted cautiously by some. There is speculation amongst current students that if the programme is expanded to include interviews, applicants may be placed under further pressure in the already stressful process.

Sam Robberts, a first year historian at Corpus Christi, commented, “The idea of filming is good in principle. But the [interview] process is one designed to test a student’s ability and talent, not their nerves in front of a panel. Going before a camera would only add to the pressure, against the interests of the individual student, who must surely come first.”

The eye-view video diaries form part of a larger effort to make the admissions process less intimidating for potential applicants, including a podcast series entitled ‘PodOxford’. OUSU is supportive of the University’s plans, commenting, “These are fantastic resources offering advice straight from tutors about how to do your best in an Oxford interview.”

The video diaries have been filmed by Helen Swift, tutor in French at St Hilda’s, and Byron Byrne, an Engineering tutor at St Catz. Each discusses what their role within the application process is and what it is like for them. Swift commented the admissions period is “all consuming”, adding, “There comes a point just after the end of term where you basically surrender everything else in your life and give yourself over to admissions.”

The undergraduate admissions office claims that the videos will help to increase transparency in the application process, showing “how hard [tutors] work, how rigorous the process is, and how consuming and exciting it can be for tutors as well as prospective students.”

Interviews have long been the cause of anxiety for prospective Oxford candidates. It is hoped that projects such as these video diaries and PodOxford will quell the fears many applicants have.

With yet another record number of applicants this year, competition for places at Oxford is more competitive than ever before. Courses such as Economics and Management and Medicine have successful application rates of just 9% and 13% respectively.

Around 10,000 students come to Oxford during December’s interview period. If successful, the video diary programme will be expanded next year.

CORRECTION:It was previously stated in this article that Oxford University was filming prospective student interviews. This is in fact untrue – tutors are being filmed throughout the admissions process but no individual candidates are being filmed or discussed. Cherwell would like to apologise to Oxford’s Admissions Office and to its readers for any confusion this may have caused.

‘Don’t call me Shirley!’

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This year we lost Leslie Nielsen, the inimitable comic performer who featured in over one hundred films and countless television programmes but will be especially remembered for his roles in surreal spoof films, such as Airplane and Naked Gun.

Born and raised in Canada, as the son of a Danish-born Mountie and a Welsh immigrant who had moved from Fulham, he trained as a gunner for the Royal Canadian Air Force towards the end of the Second World War, but was too young to be shipped out. He went on to study theatre and music in New York and began his career in 1950s live television, first appearing alongside Charlton Heston for 75 dollars. He moved on to play the leading man in many dramas before finding his true calling, aged 54, in the comic movie.

His impressive CV of serious dramatic roles made him all the more perfect for deadpan Dr Rumack in the 1980 disaster-movie spoof Airplane!. Director and writer David Zucker has described how his greatness lay in the fact that he never ‘winked’: Nielsen played his part in this ludicrous goofball comedy as if he had not the slightest hint of its comedic value. When his character announces ‘This woman has to be gotten to a hospital’ and Julie Hagerty’s character responds ‘A hospital? What is it?’, he replies earnestly ‘It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.’ The wholly serious delivery of silly lines like these characterised his performance in this hugely successful comedy and went on to become something of a Nielsen trademark.

A new niche for Nielsen and his impeccable comic timing, as showcased in Airplane!, opened up in the form of tongue-in-cheek parodies. Just as Airplane! playfully spoofed the 1970 melodrama Airport and the whole of the disaster film genre, Top Gun and other police dramas came under fire in the joyfully irreverent Naked Gun trilogy of the later 80s and early 90s. Again, David Zucker directed and again, Nielsen’s comic intensity shone through. Indeed, Airplane! had brought back a playful breed of comedy film based upon inventive slapstick, absurd visuals and mischievous wordplay. Already reminiscent of much earlier filmmaking, such as that of the Marx brothers, Nielsen’s films added a dimension of parody and spoof, now that there was such a body of po-faced cinematic work to be imitated and mocked.

The enormously successful Pink Panther films, which began in the 1960s under the direction of the much-revered and recently deceased Blake Edwards, had already began to put Hollywood on this path with Peter Sellers and co parodying the well-worn detective genre. Airplane!‘s breed of comedy is, however, quite distinct from that of the Pink Panther series, as is Nielsen’s deadpan panache from the larger-than-life style of Sellers, who had already established a comic reputation in The Goon Show.

Airplane!‘s laugh-a-minute, incoherent and surreal style of spoof has spawned many similar parodies in its wake, such as the Scary Movie franchise, in which Nielsen himself has made a cameo appearance. Other spoofs, however, have started to move away from the light-hearted, absurd tone of the comedies we associate with Nielsen: whilst Nielsen’s deadpan performance contrasts with the silly chaos around him in his films, some more recent parody films such as Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Hot Fuzz (2007) from this side of the Atlantic, have an all-round comic seriousness in their tone and execution whilst some American comedies, such as Zombieland (2009), want to be taken seriously at several points, with genuinely scary or romantic scenes, which make humour take the backseat.

When Leslie Nielsen stars, the comedy of a scene is never muted or relegated to second place. This top-class performer will always be remembered for being hilariously serious and seriously hilarious.

Duke of Edinburgh awarded ball ticket

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Oxford students were thrilled to present His Royal Highness Prince Philip with an honorary Ball ticket at Buckingham Palace in London this week.

 

As Patron of St Catherine’s College, the Duke of Edinburgh accepted the ticket, which included a plus-one, from the three Co-Chairs of the College’s Ball Committee in the Palace’s library room on Wednesday.

 

The Master of St Catherine’s, Professor Roger Ainsworth, who was also present, thought it was ‘very sporting’ of the Prince to meet with them and receive the complementary ticket. ‘The Duke is always very generous with the time he gives to college in his role as College Visitor. He always seems at ease with the student age-group.’

 

After exchanging pleasantries, the Prince spoke with the students for around ten minutes before attending to other royal duties for the day.

 

Francis Athill, Ball President and a third year at St Catherine’s, described the meeting as an ‘absolute honour,’ and that the whole experience was ‘very surreal.’

 

Nathan Jones, Ball Treasurer, added, ‘The Prince impressed us all with his interest in our plans and advice.’ Charlotte Abrahams, Ball Vice-President, was also present at the occasion.

 

During the meeting the Prince was particularly insistent that the Ball’s guests should be kept warm, with the event planned for February, but wished everyone going a fabulous evening.

 

Although emphasising that the Queen would be the ‘obvious choice’ for the Prince’s plus one, Athill said, ‘I’d be pleased to welcome the soon to be Catherine Windsor – or Cheryl Cole, I doubt she would turn him down.’

 

Athill also thought the Prince would love The Correspondents, who are playing at the Ball. ‘But I can imagine him being drawn away by a few Mission burritos and a massage in the Valentines’ Love nest,’ he said.

 

Commenting on the occasion, Tom Larkin, a second year at St Catherine’s, said he would love to see the Prince experience the Oxonian tradition of ‘pennying’ at the Ball. ‘It would take on a whole new level of peer pressure when the he sees his wife’s copper face at the bottom of a beer.’ He added, ‘fingers crossed he doesn’t bring Camilla as the plus-one, she might not appreciate the irony in the Poke the Princess fairground stall.’

 

The meeting went ahead despite the attack on a Royal car containing Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla last week as a wave of student protest swept through central London.

 

However, Prince Philip and his aides did not seem concerned by the presence of Oxford undergraduates in the heart of Buckingham Palace for the presentation of the ticket, and there did not appear to be any additional security measures in place.

 

Meanwhile, in a bid to upstage St Catherine’s Ball, Keble Ball Committee representative, Sam Wilton, revealed to Cherwell that he planned to contact the Queen with regards to presenting a complementary Ball ticket.

 

He added, ‘We are also attempting to secure Keble Ball 2011 as the official after party for Will and Kate’s wedding.’

 

Santa’s Bookbag

ELLA: I’ve recently discovered just how much I choose books by their titles. I’ve always been a fan of judging by covers: I mean, if I’m going for a light-hearted holiday read, surely I’m far more likely to enjoy something that’s bright and quirky,perhaps with glittery letters, than something that attempts to sell itself with a bland close-up of a generic miserable looking woman in period dress. But it was only last time I looked at what I’d grabbed in the Waterstones 3 for 2 offer – The Elegance of A Hedgehog, We Are All Made of Glue, and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society – that I realised how completely incapable I am of buying a book with an ordinary name.

So this Christmas, what bizarre titles will I be hoping to find under my tree? Well, I’ve had my eye on Kate Atkinson’s latest Jackson Brodie novel Started Early, Took My Dog for a while – I love the way she combines chilling murder stories with playful humour. Continuing with the animal theme, I can’t wait to get my hands on Sharon Creech’s Hate That Cat, a long-awaited companion to the unclassifiable poem/novella/diary Love That Dog. And I have to admit a slight curiosity for Coconut Unlimited by Nikesh Shukla, the story ofa group of private-school Asian teenagers who can’t quite pull off the gangster look. I didn’t say the titles had to be good; they just can’t be boring!

Maybe next time a relative asks what I want for Christmas, I should simply direct them to AbeBooks’ ‘Weird Book Room’. A brief glance at the titles on offer, from The Recently Deflowered Girl to Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them, makes my current wish list look downright conventional.

CHRISTY: Regardless on your stance on the death of the author, writers’ letters are wonderfully fragmented collections of writings on art and craft, fame, and literary gossip, perfectly suited to the irregular reading life of a student. 2010 has been a good year for my obsession. The letters of two literary giants and Nobel winners on opposite sides of the Atlantic, Samuel Beckett and Saul Bellow, are constant attractions at Blackwell’s, as is Philip Larkin’s Letters to Monica and Iris Murdoch: a Writer at War.

Following introductions to Roberto Bolaño and Jorge Luis Borges, I’ve developed a taste for Spanish literature. Javier Marias’ Your Face Tomorrow trilogy – which James Lasdun has called ‘a work of supreme lunacy’ in the vein of Cervantes and Sterne – has won both attention and praise. Marias, who lectured in Spanish literature and translation at Oxford in the 1980s, used the city to serve as a backdrop for his novel All Souls, and I’m interested in the possibilities of his fusion of ‘Spanishness’ and ‘Englishness’. On a more adventurous note, the latest issue of Granta (#113) – attractively lemon-yellow, reminding us that the sun will come back eventually – is dedicated to the work of young and largely unfamiliar Spanish novelists. ¡Feliz Navidad!

Dear Santa… (part one)

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Mary Renton (Section Editor)

What sort of a party is it?

A good one.

Where is it taking place?

The North Pole.

Who would you invite and why?

Santa, Louis Spence and the cast from The Only Way is Essex.

What would you wear as the host?

A onesy.

What are you serving?

Battenburg.

What’s on your Christmas wishlist?

Bunbag.

Emma Milner (Deputy Fashion Editor)

What sort of a party is it?

A Winter Woods-themed cocktail party.

Where is it taking place?

Inside a big, empty room which has been decorated with snow-topped trees, fairy lights, holly, ivy, twigs and other festive sylvan features. If an ice bar and pine cone fire don’t suffice, then a projection of the Planet Earth episode Seasonal Forests would be playing to really make sure everyone realised it was set in the woods.

Who would you invite, and why?

David Attenborough. Obviously. Giles Deacon for his Bambi dress, Muicia Prada for her ‘fruity, floral and woody’ perfumes, Alexander McQueen for his numerous enchanted woodland runway shows. Friends and family and the usual woodland folk.

What would you wear as the host?

A silver lame maxi dress (pretty icy looking eh) with an ivy headdress.

What are you serving?

Christmas log! Hog roast, game pie, woodland mushroom risotto, pigs in blankets, roast chestnuts and black forest gateau. Winter pimms, mulled cider and wine.

What’s on your Christmas wishlist?

Getting my camera fixed.

Laura Butterfield (Deputy Editor)

What sort of a party is it?

On first impression it would look like a classy affair, the kind of event with cheese on sticks, countered by copious amounts of free alcohol and descending into Oxford’s finest Friday night establishment on a Friday night, by name and by nature – Wahoo.

Where is it taking place?

I’m going to say New York, the Upper East Side obviously. All the prestige and drama of a Gossip Girl party. Nothing says festive spirit like a bitch fight and a love triangle.

Who would you invite and why?

Karl Lagerfeld for a dash of the inspirational bizarre, Oscar Wilde for witty banter and general debauchery, Nigella Lawson because she is a goddess and One Direction because it’s my party and I can have whoever I want. Even if it’s wrong.

What would you wear as the host?

Oooh at the moment, probably something floor length and sparkly by Elie Saab – my favourite from the couture offerings for A/W 2010.

What are you serving?

Cheese. As the main ingredient to everything.

What’s on your Christmas wishlist?

Lady GaGa’s wardrobe – just for jokes and bop costumes. Honest.

Review: The Sound of Music

We all search for them, even if we might not accept it.
We certainly miss them. And in a cold and dark December night we might even pay for them…

I am talking about emotions, feelgood ones, the kind of emotions you will only get from a perfect night at the theatre with a musical.
How about a classic one? A show where you sing along knowing all the lyrics by heart? Songs such as Do-re-mi, My Favourite Things, The Sound of Music will, I am sure, ring a bell or two.

This production was originally written by Rodgers and Hammerstein and was then adapted into the famous 1965 film with Julie Andrews. Let’s indulge in an unnecessary synopsis of the plot: Maria is to become a nun, but seems to be unfit for the role, and so she is sent to work as governess to the seven children of the naval officer Captain Georg Von Trapp. Thanks to her singing skills, joyful character and utter kindness, Maria conquers the whole family, including the captain. Then comes adventure, love, and, after a few bumps on the road, the inevitable happy ending to the strains of nuns singing. Of course music and the power it nurtures lie at the core of this show, for it is thanks to music that Maria and the Captain discover and face their feelings for each other. It is thanks to music once again that they escape from the Nazis towards the end.

Everything you can think of as entertaining is concentrated in this show: colourful sets and costumes, cheerful and straight forward acting and most of all clear and crisp singing from Maria (Connie Fisher and Philippa Buxton) and the rest of the cast.

In this magical world of music hall glossiness everything seems to work, the relationships are one-dimensional and surprisingly easy, everyone believes in feelings of love and righteousness. Life is simply “a white page to write on” as the song Sixteen going on Seventeen optimistically states. Whether or not you believe in such a rosy vision of life is not the question, it is more about indulging for a few hours, and really, what harm can it do, a little fairy tale in the wintery hour of the year?

Oxford’s Chancellor and Jesus Principal debate fees rise in House of Lords

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Lord Patten, the Chancellor of Oxford University, has spoken out in the House of Lords in favour of trebling tuition fees.

He attacked Lord Krebs, the principal of Jesus College, over his opposition to the rise, calling Lord Krebs’ speech “a triumph of hope over experience”. The Conservative peer said that he had been “for twenty years a passionate believer in a bigger contribution by students to their education.”

Patten stated, “We know from the experience of the past forty years that the taxpayer will not provide the money [for higher education], so the only revenue stream that is left is the student.”

The Chancellor was defending the government’s controversial proposed changes to higher education, which passed last Thursday in the House of Commons with a majority of only twenty-one. Labour party peers had tabled an amendment, which would require the government to rethink the reforms.

The Chancellor’s comments came immediately after those of Lord Krebs, the Principal of Jesus College and crossbench peer, who had opposed the increase in fees.

Krebs commented that he had changed his mind on the issue of raising the tuition fee cap. He said that conversations with students at Oxford lead him to believe that the rise in debt will deter the poorest students from participating in higher education.

He told the House, “The proposals are not justified and fair. They do not make the funding of universities more sustainable. We do not understand the consequences.”

The amendment failed to pass in the House of Lords. Tuition fees are expected to rise to £9,000 in 2012 for most universities in England.

Lord Patten’s comments this week come in the wake of concerted opposition to higher fees from Oxford students, which has included sit-ins at the Council Offices and Radcliffe Camera.

Review: Of Gods and Men

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The subject of faith should really be incompatible with cinema. The internal, silent struggles of religious men are seemingly completely at odds with visual excitement or insight, while a profound topic can often be dealt with all too flippantly or resolved far too tritely when presented on celluloid. Yet with Of Gods and Men, director Xavier Beauvois has shown that little needs to be said in order to portray compellingly the Manichean struggle between mortality and immortality. It is a film concerned largely with indecision, as psychological and spiritual turmoil are emblazoned painfully across the lined, ancient faces of its ensemble cast, and is a testament to the mantra that less is undoubtedly more.

Set in an Algerian monastery in the Atlas mountains, the film patiently shows us the ascetic, exacting existences of the seven monks who live there. For the first half an hour, the camera merely follows the monks as they go about their daily rituals – praying, bee-keeping, reading, ploughing the fields – and avoids any obvious or forced drama. These are men whose lives are lived at a slower, more considered pace, and Beauvois never allows his film to out-run its subjects. Indeed, the camera rarely moves, while there is no soundtrack or incidental music.

Yet rather than boring its audience, this artistic minimalism and reserve pay off greatly. From the first shot, there is an invaluable sense of authenticity being created, while this is aided by the impressively naturalistic performances of the central cast and an intelligently restrained script. Exposition is never indulged in, as the film shows rather than tells.

Soon, conflict arrives in the form of Islamic extremism. Villagers are being threatened and occasionally murdered, while in one particularly traumatic scene, an entire group of Croatian workers have their throats slit, with Beauvois dislodging the camera from its previously static position to lend the moment a sense of documentary-like realism. This violence that explodes so unexpectedly – and briefly – is completely at odds with the innocent, peaceful existence within the monastery, and is thus all the more effective. With the terrorists as a growing threat to the village and the monastery, the monks struggle to decide whether to return to France or remain where they are, and it is this dilemma that is the main focus of the film.

A great deal of Of Gods and Men is taken up by the silent prayers of the monks, and it is these scenes that are perhaps the most gripping and tragic of the film. The camera watches as men wordlessly kneel, heads bowed, and lingers as the silence gets louder and louder. They pray to an unresponsive, unsympathetic darkness, and Beauvois never hints at any divine presence or revelation, thus introducing an element of tragedy in their devotion. Indeed, the monks themselves acknowledge this fear, with one of the youngest brothers tearfully admitting, ‘I pray and I hear nothing.’

Yet despite examining faith in great depth, this is not a film concerned with the existence of God. Instead, its focus lies with brotherhood, friendship and love, and it deals with these subjects in a moving, subtle way. Its approach to these themes is one of sober maturity and patience, with only the ‘last supper’ scene indulging in anything approaching sentimentality (though by this point, Beauvois has undoubtedly earned the right to do so). Yet despite – or perhaps because of – such reserve in its story-telling, one cannot help but be gripped as time rapidly begins to run out for the monks, and the audience feels increasingly trapped within the confines of the monastery. With the internal struggles of each character etched onto their weathered faces, their dilemma becomes utterly compelling, while their struggle with faith is both fascinating and familiar. In its approach to religious faith, extremism, conflict and brotherhood, it is difficult to think of a film more profoundly relevant to the times in which we live.

The name’s Mili-Bond

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In 1944, a young Ian Fleming remarked: “I am going to write the spy story to end all spy stories.”

He probably didn’t say anything about parliamentary sketches.

So.

* * *

Ed Mili-Bond came through the padded door and shut it behind him. He walked over to the chair across the desk from M and sat down.

“Morning, 007.”

“Good morning, sir.”

There was silence in the room apart from the far-off din of undergraduates getting trampled in a cavalry charge. Smoke rose in slow spirals from a freshly extinguished cigarette. Mili-Bond had not been in M’s office since his promotion to double-o status. He had been forced to disappear for several agonizing months after his disastrous last mission.

The Service had been thrown into turmoil after agent Brown failed to recruit the highly valuable asset known as agent Yellow, an Oxford man with a talent for languages and a flair for deception. Mili-Bond had conceived an instant dislike for him, and his suspicions were confirmed when agent Yellow, along with his entire spy ring, defected to the enemy. Rumours later abounded that Yellow’s organization had long been infiltrated by the soviets, including a pair of agents calling themselves the “Cheeky Girls.” This defection was a catastrophe for the Service, and caused agent Brown to take his own life. “The pathetic coward,” thought Mili-Bond, slowly extracting a cigarette ringed with three gold bands from its silver case.

Mili-Bond sat back and let the smoke from his own personal blend of tobacco fill his lungs. He looked into M’s cold, battleship grey eyes.

“Why I am I here?”

“You’re here because you’re a double-o. I can count on your willingness to take on any mission, no matter how dangerous.”

Mili-Bond paused. “Double-o”. He was still getting used to the new designation. He had earned it on his most recent assignment: a simple assassination, but one which had gone horribly wrong. Mili-Bond had been instructed to kill agent 006, a leading officer in the Service whose closeness to ex-agent Tony had come to be seen as a liability. M had suspected that it was only a matter of time before the enemy would be able to turn 006, if they hadn’t already.

Mili-Bond and 006 had shared very similar upbringings: both had experienced the loss of a parent, both had been bullied at school. Throughout their years in the Service they had been like brothers. Mili-Bond had found the job easy, though, and relished the first use of his silenced PPK, putting two holes cleanly through his companion’s forehead. He remembered it now, and felt nothing. “Double-o”.

“Now listen, 007. This mission is suicide. We expect your chances of survival to be minimal, at best.”

It’s good to be back, thought Mili-Bond.

“We need you to take out agent Yellow’s men, who have somehow managed to infiltrate government, and dispatch any enemy agents you come across. Reliable sources have informed me that we are also dealing with a highly dangerous organization calling itself “the Bullingdon Club”. A lot of good men died to get this information, Mili-Bond. See that you get our agents back into Westminster.”

“Yes, sir.”

Mili-Bond stood up and turned to the door. He took his hat from the stand, and reached for the handle.

“Oh, and Mili-Bond –”

“Yes, sir?”

“It was nice knowing you. Give your regards to Miss Moneypenny on the way out.”

* * *

Q’s workshop was deep in the bowels of MI6. Mili-Bond entered and walked to the far wall, where a man in a lab-coat stood hunched over a microscope. The room was empty, save for a few cardboard boxes. There was a stale smell, like a damp garage.

“What have you got for me this time, Q?”

“I beg your pardon?” said the major, irritated.

“Gadgets? Cars? You know.”

Q murmured something and reached under a table. He pulled out a rather old looking briefcase and brushed the dust off it.

“Here.”

Mili-Bond tried to hide his disappointment. There was an Aston Martin waiting for him last time. Oh well, he thought: a new gadget is still a new gadget.

“So what would happen if I press these like this…”

Mili-Bond put his thumbs up against the clasp of the briefcase, as though to open it. He looked up at Q for a reaction. Q looked back.

“It’s a briefcase, 007.”

“It doesn’t explode?”

“No.”

“So it’s stuffed with gold sovereigns? A hidden flamethrower, maybe?”

“It’s empty.”

Mili-Bond looked confused.

“What does it do?”

“‘Do’, Mr. Mili-Bond? This department has had an 80 percent budget cut. You are to take that empty briefcase and fill it with ideas. The Service needs you.”

* * *

Mili-Bond walked to the phone box across the square and picked up the receiver. His recently-fired pistol felt warm against his chest. He dialled the number for M’s office and calmly told Moneypenny to put him through.

“The job is done. The bitch is dead.”

“Ah, excellent work 007. I shall start the preparations for Baroness Thatcher’s state funeral immediately.”