The tagline for Darkness Falls insists “Every Legend Has Its Dark Side”. Similarly, every reviewer has a dark side, and this film has revealed mine. First of all, the story claims to be set in the town of Darkness Falls – but I can’t find anywhere so ludicrously named on my map of America. Naming a town ‘Darkness Falls’ seems to be asking for trouble. The tale itself is distinctly unoriginal – almost originally so. It’s about the ghost of a strange old woman (see: half of all mindless B-movie horrors) who two centuries ago in a creepy town (see: Sleepy Hollow), was hanged for “a crime she didn’t commit” (see: The A-Team). When alive she would exchange the children’s teeth for gold coins, but now she’s dead she takes her revenge by killing them on the night their last baby tooth falls out. This has earned her the moniker “The Tooth Fairy” (see: Red Dragon) and her only way to avoid obliteration is to “stay in the light!” (see: Pitch Black). So, in a way this film is like Frankenstein’s monster. Not because it’s frightening, but because it has stolen bits from the available body of Hollywood film clichés and stuck them together to create something truly wretched. This is director Jonathan Liebesman’s first feature film and who knows, perhaps he’s just being modest. He’s clearly tried desperately to hide the fact that the script has more holes in it than Blackburn, Lancashire. He’s done so by casting Emma Caulfield and getting her to flash her cleavage every so often. Admittedly, casting actresses who can’t act but look great is a tactic used by many amateur film-makers. Most of them, however, work porn. As for the child (who sees dead people, by the way), he sounded remarkably like Droopy Dog and has a two-dimensional character to match. In short, Hollywood have really lowered the bar with this one. At eighty-five minutes, it’s mercifully short, but I still left the cinema knowing I’m that much closer to death and that much further from sanity. Watch paint dry instead.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Although Hope Springs doesn’t deserve the slating it has been given in the national media, chick flick afficionados will leave disappointed. Its biggest downfall is Heather Graham, who gives a thoroughly uninspiring performance. Her character Mandy appears first as a small-town girl but then quite unexpectedly downs half a bottle of brandy before midday and dances naked around a motel room. Colin Firth, who in the film has come to the small town of Hope, Vermont to escape his former fiancée Vera (Minnie Driver), plays the uptight Brit with ease, though he too has toe-curling moments. Driver plays a real bitch who swishes back to recover Colin, and she conforms to the English snob stereotype, bringing a hilarious breath of socially prejudiced vanity to the picture-postcard town full of nosey but nice Americans. While the plot lacks subtlety, unashamedly creating avenues for comedy, it gives the film a pace it would otherwise lack and doesn’t fail to raise a giggle. However, the opportunities for humour are by no means exploited to their full potential and it would appear that the Welsh clearly provide more comical potential than the Americans, in all their cheesy goofiness, ever will. Hope Springs joins this year’s rapidly increasing list of disappointing chick flicks, but that said it is a harmless way to spend 92 minutes. To the delight of box offices both sides of the Atlantic, it points fun at the Yanks and the Brits, capitalising on the stereotypes we all enjoy.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Everyone has an object of hatred. I remember working at a Virgin Megastore when J.E.E.P and ‘Have a Nice Day’ were being released. Maybe it was hearing them dozens of time a day that put Stereophonics as top of my all-time top five mosthated musicians. Though it could also be because they make banal, overproduced excrement. ‘Madame Helga’ is unfortunately nothing new. Luckily, the lead singer is trying so desperately to replace his Welsh accent with a sort of nondescript American bawl, that you cannot hear a word he says. I have to say that Kelly Jones is the dullest guitarist I’ve heard for a long time. On ‘Madame Helga’ he sounds like someone playing highlights of their Grade Four repertoire. As to their forthcoming album, I’d rather eat clay.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Less Than Jake must be dead old by now, but they remain capable of making solid ska-rock. ‘She’s Gonna Break Soon’ is a strong hook-filled shouty anthem. Unfortunately it attempts sensitivity. “It’s the boys in bars on Friday night that replace the emptiness inside.” Go tell it on the mountain… ‘Get Busy’ by Sean Paul is nothing special. “Let’s get it on, til the early morn, it’s all good, just turn me on” is as interesting as it gets. Shaggy probably sounded this forgettable during his lost years. Alexis Strumon the other hand sounds like a dull Kylie. ‘Addicted’ is insipid electro-pop about being a junkie. Please! Strum is a new non-talent that some stupid record label is wasting their money on. And she used to write music reviews in a student paper. Mega sad. All singles out Monday.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Ever since Marilyn Manson donned Aladdin Sane-style hair and make-up for the cover of Mechanical Animals, the world has suspected that wanted to be David Bowie. The Golden Age of Grotesque shows America’s most reviled fetishistic faux-goth adopting Bowie’s most impressive characteristic, the ability reinvent his persona for every album. Manson has cast off the cartoon horror of his debut, the grubby black metal chic of Antichrist Superstar and the religious parody of Holy Wood. This time, the man, the band, the legend, emerges as bizarre amalgamation of tarty burlesque hedonist and sleazy industrial rock star. Taking more than just leaf out of Nine Inch Nails’ book in terms of sharp beats and angsty lyrics, Manson has produced fusion of pervy grindcore and melodramatic groaning, ‘The Bright Young Things’ being a prime example, adding a dash of explosive rock ‘This Is The New Shit’. Oddly, Manson’s friendship with Eminem seems to have rubbed off on his music; the lyrics often turn towards hip hop posturing, with mentions of big cars, bitches and casual sex. And this isn’t the only ludicrous thing about the lyrics. We’ve always known Manson was no poet, but Grotesque has some really awful lines: “I memorise the words to the porno movies, this is a new religion to me” and “I won’t pull out, I just came”. Manson’s deadpan seriousness in wailing these corkers out, banshee style, detracts from the album’s good points, namely its well-mixed beats and darkly atmospheric sounds. Stranger still, there is a curious singalong feel to a couple of tracks, notably ‘Slutgarden’ and ‘mOBSCENE’, the latter being a shameless rip-off of Faith No More’s ‘Be Aggressive’, which Manson is clearly hoping his Kindergoth fans are too young to remember. But Manson isn’t just for the kids in Slipknot hoodies; if you can get past the pseudo-artistic pretentiousness of the frontman whose egocentricity is embarrassingly evident from the album’s artwork, you will be rewarded with some guaranteed rock nite favourites and some quality music-to-shag-to for goths.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Openers Six Ray Sun had to contend with a handful of people wishing they were in the real sun, yet hammered out their usual mix of electro punk rock unabashed. Sorry boys, I’d go back to Japan, because frankly you’re not remarkable here anymore. Newcomers The Delays took to the stage with a startling confidence. It was probably due to their ‘Rough Trade’ upbringing, and the melodic rock was undoubtedly harmless, but their alarming tendency to sound like Del Amitri may well prove to be their downfall. The Zodiac were dubbing Clearlake as “Brighton’s Eccentrics” yet the curse of failing sound system struck again, and the set began slowly. But struggling through screeching was moody, sexy rock, which deserved to be heard clearly. They were at their best at heaviest, and most seedy singer Jason cooed how he wanted to hurt and harm, and somehow made this strangely appealing. The highlight was most recent single ‘Almost the Same’, ironically sounding very similar every other song played. “I vow at this moment that will never be any good”, was announcement of the which got the biggest cheer well at least they are not making false promises.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

CLUBBING COLD AND FUNKY PRESENTS House-core electro beat breaks and hip-hop groove mash off with Karl Murphy and Keith Anderson. GIGGING THERAPY? The ultimate in angsty metal-core, grinding grunge-death and gothmosh . Go along and mourn having missed Mogwai.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Experience has led me to take a reserved approach to remix albums. The established formula tends to consist of adding faster beats, protracted vocal samples and headacheinducing baselines. Remixology is no different. The same pumping bass lines, the same vocal samples and the same techno beats passed off as ‘remixes’ massacre track after track. Not even Fatboy Slim seems arsed on his ‘Old Skool’ take of ‘Renegade Master’. It’s bad enough the people behind this compilation let the record slip past quality control; it’s even worse that more of the same is to follow later with a series of remix albums.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Reading the lyrics to Alkaline trio’s latest album Good Mourning, not dissimilar to trawling through the cringe-worthy efforts of some fifeteen year-old trying to put blood’ ‘death’ ‘stab’ and ‘tears’ into all possible combinations. It’s stage we all go through, but a trait of modern punk bands is that long after these teen angst sensibilities have been relevant to their own lives, they find themselves pushing thirty and coming up with lyrics like I’ve got a needle scratching me, injects the poison of alcohol I.V.”. Either the band are functionally illiterate or any image that could evoke a feeling of goth-like inarticulacy is worth a shot. Pop-punk is tired. It needs more than unimaginative pseudo-poetry.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Another good reason, joyous rampant bisexuality aside, to be a Wadhamite. This Saturday, do anything you can from begging, bribery and sucking Wadhamite cock to gain entry to the definitive student band event, Wadstock (free for college members, £5 for their guests). Featuring everything from disturbation and guaranteed sadistfaction from At Risk to scratch-licious DJ sets later in the evening, this promises to be a great opportunity to get that faux-festival feeling. And to get really really pissed. More drunken dallyings are guaranteed on Monday 19 May at Po Na Nas. It’s another school disco-themed party, organised by members of the law school. We at Cherwell Arts are disappointed by the usually half-arsed attempts at what should be great excuse to dress up in fetish gear, and we demand that people go the whole hog with leather and authentic schoolgirl knee-high socks. Either way, it’s for charidee. Less exhausting is Egmo’s film night on Wednesday 21 May at Magdalen Auditorium at 7.30. Don’t be put off by the fact that these will be authentic Awwwxfud-made films, promises cinematic bliss. At nominal fee of £2 entry, it’s better than scoring those dodgy Es for the same price, right? Look out for St Peter’s Arts festival: if big brother extravaganza and poetry slam mean anything to you. It’s diverse and experimental, they say. Kinky, then. Is it time to finely hone those pulling skills? Maybe you just want to look like a twat in front of your friends? If you haven’t done this adequately after Friday night, then you’re a loser. And you’re not too hungover to wake up for the 11am beginners Salsa class in the Mure room, Merton College, Saturday 16 May, then you’ve missed the point of being a student entirely. More Latino antics than you can shake a J-lo-esque arse at: get piss-fucked on booze in swanky settings at the University Salsa society-organised ball at the Randolph on Saturday 24 May.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003