Sunday 3rd May 2026
Blog Page 398

In Conversation With Dr. Robert Lefkowitz

Eight-year-old Robert Lefkowitz was a man (well, boy) with a plan. Inspired by his family physician, Dr Feibush, he knew he wanted to become a doctor.

“At a very early age, I decided I wanted to be just like this guy and I never wavered from that. In retrospect I felt that as a true calling, meaning something which I felt that, at a very deep level, I was destined to do. Not that I can explain why.”

Whilst Lefkowitz is now one of the most well-known names in the medical world, it isn’t for being a practising doctor. Sitting before me is a Nobel Laureate in Chemistry and one of the most cited researchers in the biological sciences. After completing medical school and some years of residency, Lefkowitz went from bedside to bench to focus on a research career. He was awarded the Nobel in 2012 for the discovery of G-protein-coupled receptors (GPCRs). GPCRs are molecules on the surface of membranes that enable communication between cells, and are therefore central to biological function. For example, one subset of GPCRs enables our response to the hormone, adrenaline. Another for responding to serotonin and so on.  Importantly, GPCRs can also be targeted by medication, and nowadays more than a third of drugs approved by the FDA target these structures first identified by Lefkowitz and his team. While he may not be seeing patients as he once envisioned, I’d say his career isn’t too shabby. He says it was an accident. 

“I had no intention of becoming a scientist,” Lefkowitz tells me. His first foray into research was one of necessity: a loophole that allowed him to avoid being drafted to Vietnam in the 1960s. 

“It was a very unpopular war. Nobody wanted to go over there – some for ethical reasons, some for moral reasons. Maybe they were cowards, I don’t know. Certainly, no physicians wanted to go because we, as a group, didn’t support the war at all. But there were very few legal ways around getting shipped out to Vietnam for a year. One of the few was to be drafted into the public health service because they had a number of positions here in the United States including some very sought-after ones at the NIH and the CDC, as examples.”

Armed with a strong academic record, Lefkowitz received a two-year Public Health Service Commission and began working at the National Institute of Health (NIH) after completing two years of medical house training. It’s safe to say he hated it. 

“I met with unremitting failure,” he states with a long pause, “and that was a new experience for me. I had never experienced sustained failure at anything in my life and I must say I think I got a little depressed there.”

In his last few months at the NIH, though, Lefkowitz had his first taste of success and began publishing in high-impact journals such as PNAS, Nature, and Science. However, it simply wasn’t enough to sway him from throwing himself into a senior medical residency at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston. He had always loved clinical medicine, and his residency was no different. Six months in, though, he tells me he had an “epiphany”.

“I had this feeling something was missing. I was not as content as I expected to be. I had this feeling every day that there was something I wasn’t doing that I wanted to. I realised I missed the laboratory. I missed the day-to-day excitement of planning experiments, grappling with a scientific problem, analysing data, forming hypotheses. I realised I needed to change my career plans so that research played some role in my career.” 

From then on, Lefkowitz gradually incorporated more and more research into his career. After completing his cardiology fellowship, he started his own lab at Duke University. As he concludes, “the rest is history”. 

Now, Lefkowitz describes himself as a clinician-scientist, but I wonder whether his focus on fundamental concepts in molecular biology leaves much room for patient-centred thinking. 

“I think there’s a linkage. I have both MDs and PhDs in my laboratory. Many of the PhD scientists don’t have any overarching vision of human biology in an integrative sense. I really do think that the only way to get that is to go to medical school. Even though the research I do is very basic, fundamental, biochemical, cell-biological, biophysical, there are always clinical ramifications to it […] Now, did I set out specifically to develop drugs or cure any diseases? No. But I did have this abiding sense that if the kind of receptors I thought would exist and then proved did exist then If I could make headway in understanding them there would have to be therapeutic implications of that.”

Whilst Lefkowitz has certainly made a huge, albeit unintentional, clinical impact through his research, I ask how he feels about leaving his first calling behind. Was all that time (and stress) at medical school really worth it? He has absolutely no regrets.

“Becoming a physician was one of the greatest privileges of my life and the opportunity to care for people and relieve suffering … to me that’s the highest privilege you can have. 

“That said, the practice of medicine is not an innovative and creative enterprise. It’s set in stone and as long as you follow what’s set in stone you’re going to be ok.  What about research? Exactly the opposite. If you do anything the way anybody else did, that’s called confirming somebody else’s findings. You’ve got nothing original. You’ve got nothing to publish.

“So you have the difference between not daring to do it differently and if you don’t do it differently, you’ve got nothing. I think if you have a creative spark, if you have creative yearnings, if you have a desire to write the book rather than read the book, you’re eventually drawn to the research side of medicine.”

Whilst I won my primary school art competition (two years in row, no less), I imagine this isn’t the sort of creativity Lefkowitz is on about. Indeed, he says it’s all about the question – choosing a question and figuring out how to answer it. Or, indeed, whether it is even possible to answer it.

“There is probably no more important set of decisions that a scientist makes in their careers than what to work on. In the moment that you choose the problem, you are setting the upper limit of what you could ever achieve. Let’s say you choose an essentially trivial problem and you succeed at the highest level – you write a hundred papers, you define everything you possibly could about what you were studying. Nobody cares. You have a trivial question, you’re going to have a trivial answer. Nobody’s ever going to care.

“At the other end of the spectrum, you could choose a really important question but in general the more important the question is, the riskier it is, the more difficult to solve it is. If you go so far over in choosing a non-trivial, important problem that you’ve chosen something which neither you nor anybody else is going to figure out in fifteen to twenty years because conceptually we‘re not even in the place to even approach that yet, then you also fail.”

“The secret,” Lefkowitz tells me, is “to proceed as far as you can on the spectrum from triviality to importance. Without falling off the cliff in terms of whether it’s even doable.”

All this sounds pretty simple. In theory, at least. Choose something that’s important but not impossible. But how do you tell if something is important and if it’s even doable if it has never been done before?

Lefkowitz has clearly been asked this question many, many times (the downsides of winning a Nobel, I guess). He chuckles as he answers.

“You can’t! It involves having a certain sense of taste doesn’t it.”  Lefkowitz puts forward a neat analogy about going into an art gallery and being able to distinguish “a piece of crap” from “a work of art”.

He is unequivocal about the importance of mentorship in developing this sense of scientific taste, citing the prevalence of research lineages as evidence. 

“You learn from a mentor. Does that mean the mentor explains it to you? No, because nobody can explain this. You watch them for x years, live with them. In the laboratory you watch what they choose to work on, what they choose to put the emphasis on, when do they choose to give up on something, when do they choose to soldier on even in the face of repeated failure […] You gotta know when to hold ’em, and you gotta know when to fold ‘em.

“These are judgement calls nobody can write down the set of rules for, but if you watch a talented mentor month after month for several years you begin to internalise their value judgement system. I believe that this is precisely why we have lineages in science which are very important. That is to say if you look at the scientific category of people [who] have been very successful in science and you ask, ‘who did they train with?’ Nine times out of ten you’re going to find they trained with an equally or even more successful and important scientist.”

Lefkowitz points me to an article he wrote a few years ago in which he traced his own scientific family tree, and an impressive one it is indeed. Three Nobel Laureates spanning just four generations. He also traced the ancestry of eight other NIH clinical fellows, and it is really quite extraordinary. I can’t put it better than Lefkowitz: it’s “studded with superstars”. The fact one of his “mentees”, Brian Kobilka shared the Nobel with Lefkowitz is perhaps a testament to how important mentoring is to him. And this certainly comes across this evening, as he reads me an email he had just sent to one of his “scientific grandchildren”, congratulating him on his recent work. 

While this idea of a nurturing scientific community is certainly appealing, research is ultimately fuelled by competition. In his recently published (and brilliant) memoir, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Stockholm: The Adrenaline Fueled Adventures of an Accidental Scientist’, Lefkowitz conveys how unsettling fierce competition can become. Though he certainly sees the good in competitive spirit, he admits to me that research “is not for the faint-hearted”.

“There are some people in the scientific field who would have you believe erroneously that everybody behaves in a perfect fashion all the time, we’re all gentlemen and gentleladies and we’re all above the fray. And that is abject bullshit.

“[…] You name any important scientific discovery, the more important, the more intense the competitiveness. Why is that? Because it’s just part of human nature. Is it a good or bad thing? Within limits it’s a good thing because science happens more quickly than it otherwise would, because you’re driven by the competitiveness. The time when it becomes bad is when people are so driven that they steal each other’s data or do dishonest things, et cetera et cetera. Those things, fortunately, are rare but they do occur.”

Lefkowitz takes a moment to reflect on his own experiences in the race to determine the structure of GPCRs and touches on an almost ensnaring quality to discovery, perhaps offering a reason why some might take an under-handed route to success.

“When you make a discovery and you know you’ve made a discovery, it’s addictive. It doesn’t have to be a Nobel prize-winning discovery like a family of GPCRS. It can be some trivial little thing. But standing there in front of a counter or spectrophotometer or whatever piece of equipment it is, seeing the numbers come out and realising you’re the first person in the world to ever appreciate this tiny little thing. Wow. I mean that’s great, that really is. And that’s what becomes addictive.”

Lefkowitz has been in the research game for quite some time and we move to discuss how science has changed over this period, and even the last year during the pandemic. 

“Things are progressing exponentially faster. I’ve been in science [a] little over fifty years. When I look back on the first decade it was almost like a leisure sport compared to a frenetic baseball game today. It was almost leisurely compared to what we have today. I think things do move much more quickly. Granted it was not fundamental research, but the development of the Covid vaccines is dazzling. It’s one of the greatest triumphs of applied biomedical research in history.”

As a Laureate I had imagined Lefkowitz as having some degree of inside scoop on the Nobel. I ask whether the Covid vaccines had a chance of winning. Whilst he tells me he does not know more than the next person, he has clearly thought about it to some extent.

“There’s a shot. If a Nobel prize is awarded related to Covid it would not be to any of the people who developed the vaccines. It would be to the two scientists who developed the mRNA technology about a decade ago and had nothing to do with the covid vaccine. If that happens, you could make the case that it could happen this year, which would be unheard of. In a moment in 2020, that research went from backwater significance to kind of saving the world. It would not amaze me if they won the prize right out of the gate.”

Whilst Covid research has exemplified the power of modern science, I wonder what the future of research holds beyond the pandemic, half-expecting a non-committal answer about the vastness of human biology or perhaps a nod to Lefkowitz’s background in cardiology. As a neuroscience stan (is that embarrassing to say/admit?), I am happily mistaken. 

“I’m not a visionary. I know the things which I find the most fascinating, but they are so far from being worked out. The whole basis of neurobiology, of mind, the way the nervous system works … is just mind-bending.”

And on that somewhat prophetic note, Lefkowitz tells me he has to dash off to a meeting. I quit the Zoom call and have another look at his diagram of scientific lineages and wonder how long it must’ve taken him to map out.

Student Profile: Ellie Redpath

TW: Street-harassment .

FaceTiming Ellie, I’m aware I’m getting a glimpse into one of the most famous student rooms in Oxford. Having been featured in The Tab and the Oxford Mail, as well as having over 22,000 likes on Twitter, Ellie’s room went viral earlier this term – I can confirm that the fairy lights and ivy cascading down the walls makes for a gorgeous aesthetic.

Aside from having an eye for interior design, Ellie has been an incredibly involved journalist and student activist in her three years so far doing Classics at Oxford. Having started as a JCR Welfare Rep for Magdalen College, she has gone on to create the All in Your Head magazine, allowing a space for discussions for mental health, as well as re-starting and chairing Woman’s Campaign. She has lobbied colleges, the university more widely and spoken out for what she believes needs to change in Oxford.

I start the interview by asking about how she became so invested in mental health activism at university: “I’d say what really started me off was doing welfare at my college – that was the first position I took on since arriving in Oxford. In my first year, I wasn’t really involved in other extracurricular stuff, but after doing welfare, I realised that there is a lot of work that needs to be done in Oxford and so much ends up resting on JCR welfare reps who often aren’t equipped to deal with it all.”

Ellie further elaborates on the disparities she noticed in that position: “We don’t particularly talk about how marginalised people go through mental health issues, and how we know discrimination can impact upon mental health. I’d say that’s what really inspired me to create a space to talk about that, and use that to lobby the university to actually take that into account, diversity the counselling service and actually commit itself to making Oxford a better place for everyone.”

I respond, “So is this when you started the mental health magazine, All In Your Head?”

“Yes so, I started the mental health magazine because there wasn’t actually one in Oxford, and there was in Cambridge. I just felt it was a hole that hadn’t been filled yet in terms of journalism. I also wanted to make it really accessible because I think a lot of students, especially freshers, come to Oxford and feel they aren’t a good enough journalist or writer to get involved – I wanted it to be a free space where people could submit things easily. The editing was quite light touch as well, we just really wanted it to be a place where people could get their authentic thoughts out. In welfare as well, it is very much focussed on how to get people into a better space. But I wanted a place for people to just be able to talk about their experiences.” Ellie laughs at this point and goes on, “it’s an overused phrase, ‘oh we need to talk about this’, but I do believe it’s still needed – a place to talk about more stigmatised mental health issues and how universities can be better.’

I ask further about the process behind starting up Women’s Campaign at the Student Union again. Ellie excitedly gushes about her experience with campaigns, “I was on Disabilities Campaign before the pandemic, and when lockdown started, I just really got into writing and also student activism beyond welfare – Women’s Campaign had faded by this point and I just felt it was a really important voice. Of course, It Happens Here does some amazing work regarding sexual assault, yet I thought it was really important that there be a fully intersectional feminist branch of the Student Union to deal with issues beyond this. So, I got in touch with Alex Foley and submitted a motion to set it up again. Honestly, I have been blown away by the engagement and I’m just so happy with how it’s going.”

“What is the one thing you feel you have learnt being involved in student activism at Oxford?” Ellie pauses and then reflects, “I guess the one thing that comes to mind is that change is a lot harder to make than you originally think it is going to be – which isn’t the most inspiring thing for me to say.” She smiles before continuing, “but often, being at Oxford, the university has very entrenched views about how things are supposed to be brought about. Like just a couple of months ago, I sent an email to the Ambassador at my college asking for some lights in this very dark area of college and he told me it would take seven years to make this happen! I think you get involved and you think oh wow this is going to take work, but it also makes it more rewarding in a way because you know that change is necessary and you’re the one who is actually working to make that happen.’

She excitedly adds on – “this is especially true with Reclaim your Story Oxford”.

Reclaim Your Story Oxford is Ellie’s latest project, calling on people to submit testimonies of street harassment in public spaces in Oxford. When asking about where the project originated, Ellie goes on to say that it started with the death of Sarah Evarard earlier this year that “just brought this outpouring of grief among women and people who are affected by misogyny who have been afraid when walking out late at night.” She goes on to reflect on the stories that are similar, that have not gotten the attention or press coverage they deserve due to other forms of inequality and oppression, and that growing sense “that something had to be done.”

I begin to ask if students want to get involved, and Ellie just brightens up with the biggest smile and saying ‘honestly, just message in and say hey, I’d like to help – my inbox is very open!’ She talks also about hoping to spread the word to students through JCRs and social media in the hopes that everyone who wants to take part in All in Your Head, WomCam and Reclaim Your Story can.

If you would like to get involved you can reach out to Ellie directly or contact WomCam by email [email protected] Facebook or Twitter. To hear more about or get involved with Reclaim Your Story, the project can be found on Instagram.

Protests, Politicians, and Plants: The G7 Health Summit in Oxford

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Mansfield College hosted the G7 Health Ministers’ Meeting on the third and fourth of June.  Chaired by the UK Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, Matt Hancock, the summit saw the health ministers of the G7 nations (Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the UK and the US) discuss global health issues which would feature on the agenda of the G7 Summit in Cornwall. South Korea, India, Australia and South Africa also participated virtually as guest nations.

A marquee was erected in Mansfield’s main quad to accommodate dining, since the dining hall was being used to host meetings. In an email sent to Mansfield students, Principal Helen Mountfield QC advised that students who lived off-site “may prefer to avoid travelling to the main site” at all over the period. 

In order to prevent the transmission of COVID-19 to attendees, staff were required to take a daily COVID-19 test. Visitors were also expected to have tested negative. The email also said that attendees would be kept “as separate from College members as possible”.

Despite these efforts, Mr Hancock was challenged by a student over the long waiting times trans people in the UK experience waiting to receive medical interventions. NHS Guidelines advise that patients should not have to wait longer than 18 weeks to receive treatment after being referred by their GP. In January 2020, the average wait lasted 18 months, and over 13,500 people were on waiting lists for Gender Identity Clinics in England.

The Health Ministers said that the pandemic highlighted the need for a “broader and longer-term view of public health” to improve resilience against future outbreaks. They also acknowledged the disproportionate impact the pandemic and control measures had on women and girls, including the “intensification of gender-based violence”.

They also discussed measures to combat antimicrobial resistance, regulatory frameworks for clinical trials, and how digital healthcare systems and data could improve healthcare.

In Oxford, several protests were held to coincide with the meeting, with a variety of agendas in mind.

Protesters from the People’s Vaccine Alliance staged a protest on Broad Street to call for G7 countries to waive the intellectual property rights to COVID-19 vaccines, which would allow laboratories unaffiliated with pharmaceutical developers to produce their own doses. President Biden has expressed support for the measure, and 100 non-G7 countries have demanded a temporary waiver of intellectual property rights.

Anna, a PhD student studying COVID-19 infection said: “We need to prevent a repeat of the AIDS epidemic, where thousands of lives were lost despite prophylactics and medication being available.”

A communique released after the meeting said: “We emphasise our support for global sharing of safe, effective, quality and affordable vaccine doses including working with COVAX when domestic situations permit. We affirm our support for efforts  strengthen supply chains and boost and diversify global vaccine manufacturing capacity, including for the materials needed to produce vaccines, including by sharing risks, and welcome the vaccines technology transfer hub launched by WHO. We recall in this regard the Charter for Equitable Access to COVID-19 Tools and welcome the commitments made in the G7 Foreign and Development Ministers’ equitable access and collaboration statement.”

Extinction Rebellion also staged a protest outside the Clarendon Building. They were joined by Doctors for Extinction Rebellion. The campaigners called on the G7 to address the impact of climate change on global health, including the spread of malaria, heat-related death and malnutrition.

The Health Ministers’ communique said they supported the One Health approach, in which “human, animal, plant and environmental health are linked”. It continued: “As health ministers, we will continue to work with environment, agriculture and other relevant ministers recognising the links between the health of humans and animals (both domestic and wildlife), biodiversity conservation, ecosystems and climate change, and the need to protect human health including through food and water safety and security, as well as from hazardous chemicals and air, water and soil pollution and contamination.”

Another protest against lockdown and vaccination policy was also held to coincide with the ministers’ meeting. Speakers included Piers Corbyn, and Jeff Whyatt – a former UKIP parliamentary candidate. Some protesters argued against lockdown measures and a proposed vaccine passport policy, while others cast doubt over the safety and efficacy of vaccines.

Confidence in a vaccine was another public health issue discussed at the conference. “We also recognise the importance of vaccine confidence, and the severe risk posed by misinformation and disinformation about the importance, safety and effectiveness of vaccines on the acceptance and uptake of COVID-19 vaccines and other vaccines around the world. We commit to build confidence in science and provide timely, clear, coherent communication from different levels of government,” the communique said.

The meetings ended with a tree-planting ceremony in the Botanical Gardens. Ten sakura cherry trees were planted, one by each G7 representative, a local Chief Nurse, a representative of the WHO and of global health staff. Sakura cherry trees were chosen because in Japan, they symbolise the finite nature of life, as their pink blossoms bloom for a couple of weeks a year.

The Chief Nursing Officer at Oxford University Hospitals, Sam Foster, said: “It is a great honour to be asked to plant a tree to remember all the dedicated nurses, doctors and other healthcare professionals who have cared for people with COVID-19 – including those who have lost their lives during the pandemic.

“We must never forget the contribution which every member of health and care staff has made during this time of unprecedented challenges for the NHS and globally.”

Vice Chancellor Louise Richardson said: “Oxford University is honoured to have Health Ministers and is very grateful for this gesture of commemoration for those who have lost their lives. Planting beautiful trees in our ancient Botanic Garden is a powerful affirmation of the health-giving properties of nature itself and will be a source of reflection for generations to come.”

The Nordic Inheritance and the Power of Myth over the Modern Imagination

For a historian who has made every effort to avoid studying the early history modules, Prime Video’s Vikings was perhaps a surprising viewing choice. Although the show has a 93% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I was also surprised at the number of people who were watching it and giving it glowing reviews; Nordic history, after all, has been done and redone in the arts. So what was it about the show that was attracting such a following? And why is film and television inspired by mythology often a guaranteed success for entertainment companies? Talking to others who had watched the show, their appreciation for it ranged from interest in the time period to because it was “f*cking sick”. The general consensus, however, was a sense of awe for the pagan mythologies that have survived Christianity to trickle down into the western imagination for generations.

It occurred to me that I was living in the answer. As always, and even more importantly during these unprecedented times, film and television fulfils its escapist function. With our lives characterised by screens of every size, and operating within an oppressive cycle of sleep, work and eating, Vikings offers an unapologetically earthy alternative to the rigid monotony of online work. With 84% of the UK population residing in urban areas, earth is hard to come by; the wild, Romantic landscapes of Scandinavia featured in Vikings are therefore a welcome contrast to the concrete which saturates our views. Most of us have not left our localised radii of existence for almost a year, a situation which only our screens, acting as portals opening onto different places in the world, can remedy. Thank God for the creative industries: without them, the four walls which enclose us would be insurmountable.

The ‘classics’ to which the Norse myths belong – as much as they describe fundamentally alien notions of power, justice and morality – are also about familiarity. The differentiated cast of characters that they feature, replete with flaws, feel comfortable, almost like the powerful protagonists of proto-sitcoms; ‘modern takes’ and ‘revisitations’ revel in locating these archaic characters in inherently modern situations in order to provoke a predictably exaggerated response from them. The recycled tropes that characterise American sitcoms in particular – the fake tan gag in both Friends and The Big Bang Theory, as well as the well-trodden ‘visit to the hospital’, and the ‘drunken marriage’ – are not just lazy writing; they put the amplified idiosyncrasies of their characters on full display in the most fertile environments. Norse mythology – with its colourful spate of figures resembling the versed clichés of television – is a potential source bank of caricatures, which a contrasted modern setting can bring out to the max.

Modern taste has its own mark to leave on the classics in return: the ‘underdog’ trope. Ragnarok – a Norwegian fantasy series focusing on the tense relationship between 21st century versions of Thor and Loki – directs much of the audience’s attention to the clumsy antics of the former’s teenage struggle with his superhuman powers as he tries to navigate the awkward space and growing pains between human and superhuman, as well as child and adult. The series scores bonus points for taking place in a high school, the historical breeding ground of exclusive cliques; whilst Loki excels in this environment, Thor is cast as the ‘quiet kid’ who befriends the school outcast. Vikings, set in the overlap between the 8th and 9th centuries, allows its protagonist – Ragnar Lothbrok – to operate effortlessly in his natural environment, with all its concomitant peculiarities. Fearless, cunning and ambitious, he expands to dominate his homeland until, hungry for more, he embarks on an expedition to England, as a result of which the Vikings’ infamously ruthless reputation is secured for posterity.

The popularity of Vikings is in large part due to Ragnar, who ticks off just about every Viking stereotype in the popular imagination. Amid noisy debates about the glaring incompetence of politicians in response to the worst public health crisis of the 21st century, Ragnar’s character emanates confidence, intelligence and skill, qualities demonstrated in his deftness in the power play of politics and constant ‘one-upping’ of his rivals. The fascination of modern audiences with Ragnar is above all a fascination with bygone styles of leadership. In the 21st century, Prime Ministers and Presidents are met with derision, rather than awe; they are immortalised not through sagas and myths, but scathing political cartoons. Today, Ragnar’s violent rhetoric might be mercilessly picked apart by the traditional media and Twitter users alike – but set in its impressive landscape of fur capes, braids and axes, it both rallies and terrifies; Ragnar’s ascension to the pantheon of Norse heroes becomes all but an inevitability.

In the 21st century, the warrior cultures promoted by mythology have not disappeared but been tamed to fit in the virtual realm. Video games such as Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla and God of War offer the possibility to revisit strongpoints of traditional masculinity rooted in a mythologised Nordic past. Both these and Vikings ultimately offer a cathartic experience: immersion can provide release from the pressures of everyday life, and the opportunity to vent pent-up frustration. Of course, there is an argument to be made for a voyeuristic psychology. Vikings has its (predictably) fair share of violence, peppered with the occasional ‘blood eagle’ execution; video games situate the player among the blood and gore, giving them the power to kill at will. Fans of either, however, do not psychoanalyse their immersive experiences; to them, such screen-based entertainment is simply a deliverance from the here and now.

Given Hollywood’s penchant for blockbuster, it comes as no surprise that the fatalist, end-of-world storylines of the Norse myths have been catnip for Marvel, with its favourite theme of overcoming significant odds and mighty foe to ultimately save the universe. The inclusion of Thor in the Avengers – the guardians of our world in the MCU – is an amusing nod to one of the original functions of the Norse gods: to act as intermediaries between the people and greater, arbitrary destructive forces. The pointedly named Thor: Ragnarok film pits Thor against his half-sister Hela, the Asgardian goddess of death, providing slick action scenes as well as a dip into the Spartan family dynamics of the gods. Family and death: Norse mythology captures primary human preoccupations, with its resulting stories persistently inspiring popular culture.

Historians and classicists often conclude explanations for the enduring hold of pagan mythology with grand, sweeping statements about the timelessness of their characters and the inherently human substance that we share with them. The reverse, however, is also true; they are just as fascinating because they resemble us, yet are fundamentally different, separated by years of cultural change. With the new Loki series recently announced by Disney+, we can only wait and see where the Nordic inheritance takes the future of entertainment, and how the screens adapt it in return.

Artwork by Rachel Jung.

BREAKING: Molly Mantle elected President of the Oxford Union, REACH slate wins all major positions

Molly Mantle of the REACH slate has been elected President of the Oxford Union for Hilary 2022, winning 402 first preferences and 53.4% of the vote. Mantle was Librarian of the Oxford Union in Trinity 2021. Over 30 people attended the in-person announcement of Oxford Union results, with tense excitement filling the courtyard as candidates, members, and committee waited for results. Voter turnout for the otherwise online election was 819 votes cast.

The results for the other three major positions are as follows:

Librarian: Rachel Ojo, with 350 first preferences

Treasurer: Ahmad Nawaz, with 350 first preferences

Secretary: Ananya Chowdhury, with 402 first preferences

This marks a victory for the REACH slate. Slate pledges included creating an independent sexual assault reporting system, and to reduce membership fees. They also pledged to introduce cheaper ball tickets for non-drinkers. 

OPEN, the main opposing slate, pledged the creation of an ‘online members area’, whereby alumni and current students could watch events and interviews that would not be shared on Youtube, alongside launching a multi-term ‘decolonise the Union’ project.

Those elected to Standing’s Committee are: Naman Gupta (REACH), Theo Sergiou (REACH), Ambika Seghal (OPEN), Manuel Fieber (REACH), Charlie Mackintosh (OPEN).

Those elected to Secretary’s Committee are: Matt Jarvis (OPEN), Alex Fish (REACH), Matt Barrett (REACH), Ahmed Abdul-Majeed (REACH), Jacobus Petersen (OPEN), Lucy Banks (OPEN), James Bromfield (OPEN), Joshua Chima (OPEN), Maddy Colbourn (REACH), Chi Okafor (OPEN), Jen Jackson (OPEN).

Image Credit: REACH

Review: Home Fires

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The setting of Paper Moon’s one woman play is simple; a single chair and a stool, sparsely lit. As the play unfolded, I began to feel the stool was like a second chair itself, filled by the ghost of the show’s second, absent character, the speaker Marie’s mother.

‘Home Fires’ takes place in the wake of Marie’s father’s death, as she plays out a conversation with her estranged mother in her head, seeking understanding and a sense of resolution. The minimalistic staging belies the complexity of the play, which touches on a variety of issues including family and inheritance, houses and homes, the ties that bind us and the chasms that divide us. Writer and director Maya Little has created something at once intimate and engaging, with beautifully crafted language and a powerful use of silence. The monologue finds the balance between conversational and poetic, with Little’s use of imagery to invoke emotion particularly striking; struck by grief, Marie finds herself ‘walking around like a burnt shadow’, for example.

Actor Georgie Dettmer truly completes the piece, breathing life into Little’s words and excelling at the complex job of performing two characters — both Marie, and Marie’s mental construction of her absent mother. The two voices are clear and distinct, with Dettmer fluidly switching between them, particularly in the snappy back-and-forth dialogues where Marie envisions herself arguing against, or playing meaning-infused word games with, her mother. Dettmer provides a soft vulnerability infused with pent up frustration which is released in controlled bursts of tension as Marie attempts to come to terms with why her mother has made certain decisions in life, such as claiming the house which was her daughter’s inheritance. ‘Mother I am trying to come back to you’, she cries at one heart-wrenching moment of emotional release.

Every aspect of the show was defined by attention to detail. All of Dettmer’s movements were controlled and carefully blocked; from walking across the stage to crossing her legs and the little touches of her hands, each had a sense of purpose. Accompanied by judicious use of props — the chair and stool, a water glass, and folded list — this meant every little motion was imbued with meaning. This simple staging allowed Little’s words to shine, particularly when the writing slipped into more poetic language. At times the dialogue felt a little repetitive and heavy-handed, with the show suffering from a slight second act lag which could have done with some further streamlining, but I was so caught up in Marie’s narrative I barely noticed.

Paper Moon also provided an enlightening post show talk with Dettmer, Little, and producer Jade Yarrow, which was particularly revealing about the process of creating ‘Home Fires’. Working closely together, the writer and actor shaped the play from intimate conversations, scrapbooking, and creative exercises — their collaborative vision and visual thinking being reflected in the marketing of ‘Home Fires’ as well as the masterfully woven finally product. As the post show talk proved, this was a truly collaborative process and one in which every team member provided something valuable.

I must confess that when I purchased my ‘Home Fires’ ticket I was slightly concerned about watching yet another online play in these days of relative freedom, but the performance more than made up from missing out on the sunny weather or pub trip. Following the success of ‘Spoon River Anthology’ earlier this term, Paper Moon’s latest production has proved their talent once again. Indeed, after the play ended I found that I, like Marie herself, was left with the ghost of a voice in my ears. It’s a voice that will linger there for a long, long time.

Image Copyright: Freya Hutchins.

Sticky

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My year threes are planning a coup. 

This is a fair assumption to make, I think. Sitting in the window of the staff room, watching a lazy May wasp drift in circles above my head, I can see them plotting in the periphery. Congregating on the playground, clutching at each other with sticky little fingers. Hushed glances at me, though there’s no way they can see me in the glare of the sun, not when the staff room is dark and cool. Small mercies. At the head of the classroom I always feel so exposed. 

5 minutes left of break time. I’ve been asked why I chose to become a teacher, and it’s not a question I have an answer to. I like children, I’m good with children, I will never have children. It precludes favouritism, at least. The wasp lands on the rim of my mug, probing delicately at the gluey honey. I have a cold coming on; I was on that playground only thirty years ago and now I’m the dispenser of common wisdoms, the drinker of honey and lemon, the elder to be eyed balefully and plotted against. 

In the classroom it soon becomes clear who the nexus of this little coup d’etat is. My teaching assistant is handing out rulers and sugar paper the colour of a summer storm (You may want to do something more involved, she said to me earlier; there’s a lot of restless energy in the classroom today, I don’t know what it’s about.) as I write 3D shapes on the board in wide, child-friendly script. There’s something brewing, that’s true. Hushed voices, little laughs that escape sucked-in cheeks like

blown raspberries, producing yet more giggles in response. At least they’re enjoying themselves, I say to my TA when she comes up beside me with a crumpled packet of Extra and a furious look and a chewed up glob of gum lodges in the back of my hair. 

I turn. 

Find it with my fingers. 

It’s sticky and hot. 

I feel like a teenage girl again. There are crayons all over the floor; they radiate outwards, not so much indicating as illuminating the culprit, the ringleader, the queen bee. Everyone around her is flush with quiet fear, alternately looking between themselves and at me. Sophie just tilts her soft chin. 

Was this you? Asked directly, though that’s not the way to do it, but that hot storm hanging in the air has found its way to my blood, tapped in through the back of my skull via a little piece of gum. No, she says, with a smirk that says, yes. 

A hush in the air. The TA, aside, maybe we should— 

Continue with the lesson, I tell her. Sophie—staff room. Now. 

She has no explanation for it. None. She sits in utter silence, watching earlier’s wasp dip and dive in hexagons around her head, as I tap the tip of my biro and notice a jam stain on her pinafore. My throat itches. I have no honey and lemon left. 

I’m not going to waste the rest of the class’s time, I tell her. You can sit here and think about your actions, and at the end of the day your mum and I will have a chat, okay? She just sits there, blinking big, blue eyes at me. Tory blue. Her mum will arrive in the Merc, Hunter wellies swinging out onto the gravel, long legs in expensive jeans… 

I cut the gum out of my hair in the staff bathroom using leftie safety scissors, yellow and green, blunt so it’s more like a hack job. Then I take my phone out and call Caroline: Ten minutes ago your daughter stuck gum in my hair. 

Nice to hear from you too, she breezes. I wish it was a Wednesday. 

Wednesdays— 

Wednesday afternoon is games, always, the children ushered out of my care and into rounders or football for the rest of the day. It’s time I ought to spend marking, planning, cutting out templates and making powerpoint presentations. I try it, sometimes, sheets in a pool around my thighs and laptop panting with effort, but I don’t like to do it in front of Caroline. She winds herself around me and comments, scrutinises, runs her fingers down the side of the keyboard. 

I am fucking a Mother. Capital M. Woman’s Most Natural Career. 

So, on Wednesdays, I leave school. I drive through country lanes. I unfold myself in an expensive bedroom. I have her number saved in my phone: she texts me things like Come for two, lunch is overrunning or Richard is home today. Sometimes she thinks I’m someone else and sends me Whatsapp chains, political jibes I earn too little to get. She doesn’t apologise, but I know they’re not for me. Just as I know never to add an X to my eager, pathetic response. 

I don’t recall how it started. One day we were studying each other over a Pritt Stick-sticky desk, I just wanted to check in, see how Sophie’s settling in with the class, it’s so hard when you move out of the city and I’d like her to have friends here, you see, I’d like her to be happy, and the next it’s dirty words and hot breath in my ear, something rare and disgusting about it, something that makes it hard to look in the mirror. 

She won’t do it again, Caroline says, firmly, that afternoon in the staff room. Will she? Sophie looks at her mother, quails, shakes her head. This isn’t what I wanted, she mumbles. Caroline is wearing a blazer, big shoulder pads, black. I was right about the wellies. What did you want? I ask, out of curiosity. She doesn’t answer. They leave. Tomorrow is Wednesday. 

I am picking my clothes from the floor on a Friday evening (She’s out, Caroline breathing into my neck, she’s at a friend’s down the road, it’s fine, just fuck me—). I have nothing better to do. I have been absorbed—June is crawling at my skin—I’ve started putting Xs on my messages— I’ve started kissing her goodbye— 

Mummy, Sophie says, and Sophie is in the doorway, looking at us, looking at that fragment of kiss still lingering on our lips, fully clothed but painfully bare, now, now she knows— 

She’s six but she has a father, a man who kisses her mother goodnight each night, a man who commutes every day and goes to dinner every Friday without his wife, a man I am not. We learnt about love on Valentine’s Day. As much as we could. (Not that this is love.) 

Sophie runs. I follow. 

I find her in the garden, where it is beginning to rain, fresh green and lawn shavings everywhere. 

It didn’t work, she says, whines, like a child, which she is. It didn’t work. 

What didn’t work? I ask her, voice slipping into that careful, cushy teacher voice, wrapping around her like a padded cell, like honey. 

You, she stings. To get you to stop. Mummy— 

And then I know. 

We all know, don’t we, when it comes to it; what we’ve done wrong, what its consequences are. Children have such an acute understanding of the world, this I also know. I know that sticky little Sophie wants her mummy all to herself and she raised me a challenge, like tilting her chin up when I asked her to tidy away her crayons; she marshalled her forces, laid down a duel. It was a power play. More concerning— 

She knew I was in her way. She knew something of the tangled gossamer stretched between us, Caroline and I, the secret loathing only I could find between her thighs—and how? Did Sophie stumble upon us, laid out on the bed, the sofa, the kitchen counter? Widen eyes and turn away, lock it into a manifesto for the future revolutionary? This is no soap, though, I know that. I know beyond today’s kiss it was probably far more subtle: her mummy’s perfume on my shirt, her mummy’s lipstick blossoming rosewood on my neck, the way I looked at her mummy. The way I looked at Caroline—lovelorn, as though the middle haircut of a million middle aged women and the gilet and the Merc and the name, even, Christ, she voted so I wouldn’t get to retire before eighty—as though she was anything different than every mother I sit across from when their child pours PVA on another—as though I had a right to the privacy of the language we breathed on Wednesday afternoons, when everyone knows children understand everything— 

She already knew. I say this turned half to Caroline. There’s a hot plum hickey on her neck; I was rough today, perhaps because I knew it was our last. 

Don’t be ridiculous. 

She already knew. Why else would she act out? Stare sullen, silent at me? Chew up gum and land it in my hair, hair her mother’s fingers had tangled in? Hair too long, hair of a primary school teacher, hair that comes undone. I doubt she told her co-conspirators. She ushered them, merely, magnetic to them as her mother is to me. These people are good at that. 

Don’t tell your father, Caroline is begging. This is our secret, okay? Don’t tell him. Don’t. I won’t teach Sophie any longer, I know this. I won’t see Caroline again. The year is almost over, so perhaps I’ll be lucky. Perhaps I won’t need a new job entirely. Perhaps she’ll be merciful. But already I can see them receding. 

I cannot have children. My ugly wound of a body prohibits it. Caroline and Sophie repel me; they make me desperate. I should like to cling to them. Nothing lasts, but I should like to stick to them, dripping. 

I have been deposed. Something crawls up my throat, more bitter than honey.

Artwork: Rachel Jung

“Everywhere else, death is an end. Death comes, and they draw the curtains –”

0

It is five in the morning. Exactly five in the morning.  

Dawn shatters upon a black sky as the man in white is led down the dirt road. Granada lies a  mountain away. Víznar and Alfacar are closer, but still lost in the night. There is no moon in  the sky and yet the five soldiers and three other prisoners are visible. They shine in the slow  and shaky promise of tomorrow. The man in white is in his pyjamas, barefoot for they took  

him sleeping from his bed in the town. Every stone cuts his feet but he carries on walking,  silently, because he fears what will happen once they stop.  

There is something peaceful about the night, a perfect night; the kind of dark, pinpricked sky  one would write poetry about. His notebook and pen are back in his room. He left his last  poem unfinished.  

He shouldn’t have been so liberal with his time when he knew it was only a matter of it – 

The Black Squads, servants to an unlawful rebellion on the right, invaded his town, his  country, like influenza. They choked the democratic will of the people, silenced their voices,  turned their loss into usurpation. They were not a minority, after all, it seems. They lost in the  polls, but then violence makes a man feel safe, and suddenly there is an army of them, and  suddenly regrowth becomes demolition. He wonders if his baker has joined them, or the boy  that sells newspapers on the street corner in his adopted city Madrid. How many? How many  men poisoned into taking people’s lives for a cause? How many men want him dead? He has  heard their battle-cry in the streets, always followed by an instrumental of stuttering gunfire.  He hopes they do not scream it when they kill him. He does not want his death to be theirs. 

“¡Viva la muerte!”—Long live death!” 

Death, the question of questions. The glance into the void. What is waiting on the other side  of this black night? Sleep without an end – fitting, he thinks, he is dressed for it. Will the dust  creep into his eyeballs, the moss blanket his body, the raw red earth expertly unpick the petals  of his skull? – And now his blood comes out singing. 

He wrote those words once, for a friend, but what will his blood sing?  

And with what mouth? What tongue? What voice? What words? 

Is it a sorry tune, or a triumphant blare of trumpet, the kind at the bullfights? He can almost  hear the castanets across the silent country, chasing his heartbeat. 

As a child, he would go to watch the bullfights with his father. The crowds, a raucous throng  of workers and politicians, would pulse and heave, throwing their bodies this way and that in  line with their passions. He would get swallowed by those crowds, his father gripping the  collar of his shirt to keep him close, steering him round people to make sure he could see. He  remembers the day a man got speared by the bull. Gorged through his chest. And the way his  body was flung across the ring like a trampled leaf. The crowd gasped, some women cried.  The bull was taken out back and shot. A priest was rushed into the ring and a coffin from  somewhere was found to tumble the body into before the stage was cleared. The tragedy  complete. The next bullfighter entered to applause.

The curtains were closed on that scene and he’d forgotten about it until now. 

There are two bullfighters in this funeral march, ahead of him. He wonders if they regret  chasing Death, having convinced themselves they could outrun him their entire lives only to  stumble when he caught them up. Or maybe they recognise its taste on the air, like freezing  cold ash. He wonders if this is why they shiver in the early morning. 

The bullfighter’s cape was red to hide the blood. He wishes he hadn’t worn white to go to bed  in last night. 

The soldiers carry German Mauser rifles and he wonders where they are going to shoot him.  He hopes it is the head and he hopes it is quick; the bullet tearing apart his brain so quickly he  barely feels it. He wonders if death feels like a migraine coming on.  

Before their arrest, Ruiz Alonso had shouted, “He’s done more damage with a pen than  others have with a pistol!”  

They shot him instantly with their pistols. What use was his pen then?  

It has been playing in his mind ever since, like a vinyl needle stuck on the same part of a  track, obsessively repeating. Each time the gunshot goes off in his head, he jumps a little, and  the scene restarts. He’s lost his pen but the men marching them into the heart of the country  still have their pistols.  

What damage have I done? 

You write and you love and they disagree with that. Sometimes the most rebellious thing is  just to be.  

The soldiers stop at the gate to a dark field that doesn’t look to end. They can bury us easier  in there. The soil is softer. 

They turn and shepherd the prisoners into the field like they are cattle.  

I am more the bull than the bullfighter, he thinks.  

The ground is soft, the grass brittle and yellow. They walk a little further and the dawn breaks  a little more, crumbling into reluctant morning. The red eye of the sun blinks open behind the  mountains, and it is as though she is covering her eyes. She cannot watch Spain declare war  on poetry.  

His shoulder is grabbed and they speak to him but he doesn’t listen. This is not their moment.  These will not be their words. He is forced roughly to the ground, his pyjama knees dirtying.  The gun is cold against his sweaty head and Federico García Lorca stares at death.  

Winged heart, do not fail me now. Words, stay damaging. Will my blood sing for me –?

There is a crack in the silent sky.  

“Everywhere else, death is an end. Death comes, and they draw the curtains Not in Spain. In Spain they open them.”

Eve’s Laugh

Humour me with golden words, generously will I laugh at timely jewels. Spin a kingdom of well-turned phrases, you seem to offer broad skies and tumbling hills. Hold out your hand, beckoning articulateness’s fluid beaches: I will notice amphibian skin stretched over emphatic knuckles, the elegant point of resolute finger. Paint your face with baubauled declarations, raise your cheekbones and make symmetrical your features. Charm me into seeing your straight nose and noble profile. Show me the path to enunciation, you seem to offer part of your simile-crown. Might I, too, learn to dress in silk and lace words? to scurry, selkie and gleeful, donning and shedding velvet identities? Yet you, handsome in sharp lines and strict hollows, merely illude to nature’s tangible openness. Your enounced elevation does not, though you promised, furnish me with words as giving as my erstwhile laughter. Mute, I watch cheated as you sweep up my halfway compositions, shining neon brighter by robbing my flickering mediocrities. Now, you fix me under steely gaze, pin me captive to your pedestal. Represent me and re-represent me, using those same brushes intended for my sparkling debut. Force me into successive dresses unsuitable for my size, revel in driving identities down my silent throat till I gag to peals of selfish laughter. Require me to be svelte and ample, pale-skinned and full-lipped, hairless and sexed. Ignore my vacuum-screams with totalitarian ease, choke me so tightly that I begin to believe your stuffed contradictions. 

Adam it’s impossibly obvious Adam I don’t think I’m helping myself but who’s to say whether I can muster the energy to try and refrain Adam next time I will make a more original choice I promise

Yet does this confinement not afford me protection? Am I not relieved that full skirts and ringed fingers bear the weight of faltering remarks? I might be tuck-tummied and cone-chested, I could win horses and kingdoms in a flutter of acrylic lids or flick of peroxide locks. Crawling, feet buckled under the sway of fifty centimetre waist, I may rifle through reams of plastic treasures; I can delight in satins and chiffons. Happily might I exchange damsel letters and virgin words for filled lips and taut skin, on learning that even Athenian exclamations could not buy chiselled utterings or hardy compliments. Tempted, I could beg for captivity, yearning to be chained in well-constructed sentences. I could pant to be sat on Koonsian haunches, feral and mutted under twisting gaze. More, confused by penetrative tricks and slights, I might convince myself that freedom is no more than acceptance of unthinking tyranny, that puppy love for Stockholm bars might as acid erode rather than offering steely reinforcements. For, conducting exuberant from articulate heights, you are no longer content that the alloyed cage on which you squat should be malleable. Guffawing, you have exchanged girded cast-iron for artery locks and keys, you buttress marble coops with neurons and synapses. No longer threatened by expressions, you satisfied your vulgar urges by erecting sinewy barriers on fledgling conscience. Not sated by extinguishing utterance’s rustlings, your silicone length has aborted every foetal musing before conception. Snickering, you’ve blocked my auxin soul and tethered me to metal trellis. Now, howling, fever-pitch, you offer support for titled pelvis and bunioned heel. Giggling, drunk on stolen redness, you stroke thalidomide buds and Agent Orange leaves. Hysterical, maniacal, you teeter with infant power as you realise that I now exist only in your consequence. 

It is cruel what you’ve done here Adam you make me want to puke retch hurl spew all the poison love you’ve forced on me I told you Adam just show me the way and I’ll let myself out

And yet! Chained close to your balloon-form abruptly I spot the limpness of those declarations! My penetrating gaze pierces your brittle shell to find toddling self-expressions, pink and wavering on chubby thighs. By no herculean effort I scratch gold from the surface of pinata words, a single strike of long-nailed finger. Graceful, I discern in turn your own meek frailty, for crusaders brow and arching curl have not blinded me to the warpings of unwieldy psyches. Even hunched on all fours, my trenchant gaze recognises that in creating a companion so dwarfed and bound, you have imprisoned yourself in contorted reflection. And now! More obvious still than the nonsensical flogging of your own freedom, the noxious rhizopean pinnacle of a frame so imposing that even your murmurings of aesthetic beauty from within are muzzled by its lumbering weight, I see my own subjection! Staring brilliantly at tender wrists, I observe my tasselled chains clearer and more brightly than the sun could shine in those nature-bribes you used to capture me. Comprehendingly, I look at greening nickel links which truss up indescribable wrists, frantically spewing out expendable synthetic words, seeking to capture the cosmos in each second. Nodding, I stare at those Perspex polystyrene words and synthetic negentropic descriptions, and gawp at how lamely they attempt to impose on those inexpressible transcendent unspeakable sublime wrists of mine pathetic singling adjectives or ailing metaphors. Then, gasping, spluttering with the motion of an engine that for weeks and days has been locked in a garage, I raise my head and start to laugh. Laughing at their weight as light as they are heavy, laughing at their fiery shallows and pearly ravines. Giggling, I plumb their flattened mountain-tops and deep-dive their celestial puddles, tittering, I soar through their earthy skies and lounge in their icy deserts. Chuckling, cackling now, my roaring head titled back to make way for streams and gallons of noise reverberating and vibrating, bouncing, pouring out of my jabbering mouth, words guttural and soulful now swilling overflowing flooding through corridors and ceilings, running into all the cracks and crevices, soaking every cranny and submerging every cobwebbed nook I scream! 

Eve consciously naked devours apple after apple Eve proudly bodied temporally beckons and all the greenery unfurls in her direction Eve gets carried from place to place on snakes’ backs who demand nothing in return 

Now, joyfully spent from the pleasures of sonant excursions, I realise my body. Freed from rouged propaganda and preening censorship I can navigate unguided through unpossessable territories. I can set Cribbars in motion from impenetrable forests without worrying about whether they’ll be there the morning after. No longer tongue-tied, single sentences barely heard stand sovereign over encompassing minutiae, pupils and lips, even the ebb and flow of blood thinkingly respond to the unimposing supplications of whispers. Fleshy and Achillean, though displaying the backs of ankles unworriedly, my ethereal skin lies atop broad shoulders and my sinewy tendons support slender calves. My labyrinthine veins under parchment coverings pump, unaffected either by pithy scrawling or rambling inscription. You glimpse, belatedly, my ptero branchial limbs, my reptile hooves and arachnid claws, my crone’s luster and infant’s furrows. Make of my weightless patchwork cloak what you will, subject it to screaming defacements or muttered tendernesses. Seek to insert two thumbs and rip, tear it upwards and outwards in the hope misplaced of wrapping your not unlimitedly elastic mind around immeasurable incalculable inexhaustible depths and lengths and widths. Or rather, grasping finally your entire impotence against my gaping wholeness, bursting with penetration gaps against which you thump limply, you will seek no longer to veil but to give me our armour and mirror symbols. Then, jointly we will play in panoptic plasticine, we will wrap in phi ribbon and Fibonacci paper countless representations and harmonic we will offer them laughingly. Eyes in eyes, we will chatter unceasingly with void and universe tongues, duettists forming thicket and cove from infinitive and participle. 

To Galilee Eve journeys leisurely Eve in the midday sun surveys rounded Mary lying legs spread unconcernedly sex plain screws unhurriedly Joseph unabashedly fondling taut erection undemandingly Eve raises head spontaneously and appreciative starts to laugh 

Stalked by a bear at high table

act 1 

The woman put her little name card in front of T. 

‘That’s who I am,’ said the woman. i do not know who that is 

T could feel the bear’s eyes on her. Watching her every move. She knew if she turned around she’d  be able to see its small beady eyes staring from the corner of the hall, perhaps flickering in the  candlelight, oblivious to the hum drum surround sound. With this in mind, she nodded, forced her  most agreeable smile, and tried to think of something to say that might catch-all – 

say something good say something good 

‘So… what do you do?’ shit 

Not the words that T had intended to come out of her mouth, but the words that were spoken  nonetheless. The murmur of chatter in the great hall behind her seemed to expand and poke into  her ears like cotton swabs. The dark wood-panelled walls, once comforting in their robust oldness,  now appeared to T as the boundaries of a giant sarcophagus. She became painfully aware of her  chapped lips and licked them but – oh no – she had lipstick o 

 they are probably stained red from the wine by now oh god 

‘I write books. I write books and millions of people buy them and that’s how I make my money,’ said  the woman.  

T had already forgotten the woman’s name. In fact, she’d barely heard this last line due – in  particular – to her increasing paranoia about the bear. In a bid to end the conversation as quickly as  possible she turned back to the food on her plate. Unfortunately, the solace she sought could not be  found: it was foie gras. T had never had foie gras before and the brief encounter she was currently  having was making her glad she hadn’t. 

Like a small child, she pushed it around with her fork. the wrong fork, no doubt, i should  have used the one on the inside 

‘Where are you from?’ the question came from front and centre, and she looked up to see the  middle-aged man opposite staring at her in anticipation. He had dark grey hair, long and ratty, and  looked, perhaps, like the kind of man you would see in a film: a face full of angles and bones. His  voice was well-rounded. It sounded expensive.  

T would have welcomed this intrusion on her silence had it come from a milder or more pleasant  source.  

‘I’m… you won’t have heard of it,’ T said. what do you want me to say?  marlborough, wycombe, city of?  

‘What do you do, then.’ His voice adopted a slightly sharper tone in response to T’s deflection.  ‘I don’t really do anything. I’m a student,’ she said. can you not feel the bear?

The man on her other side – the older man, his suit too small though it still looked nice, the one who  had had his back to her for the entire meal so far – elbowed her in the ribs.  

He didn’t even turn around. it’s alright i don’t mind. i don’t mind. i’m happy to be here 

‘What do you mean you don’t do anything? You’re at Oxford. The best university in the world.  People would kill for what you have.’  

i cannot tell you what i do, who i am, because you will look at me like i am an injured puppy ‘I spend most of my time in the library. It’s quite boring, really.’ that’s it. sell yourself She smiled thinly at the waitress as she whisked away T’s embarrassingly full plate.  

In the silence that followed, rather than work up the courage to turn around and face the waiting  bear, she snuck a look at the man she’d been invited to meet. The Writer. The whole reason she was  at this dinner, the whole reason she was sat on the High Table with these people that made her feel  like she was about to fall off a cliff. The whole reason she was being stalked by this bloody bear in  the first place, 

But he was deep in conversation, speaking in hushed tones, talking about Important Things. 

She’d known, before, she’d never be able to use this dinner to network – whatever that means – but  she thought maybe she’d have a conversation, a chat, make an impression. Use whatever status she  had managed to gain from being a student at this university to elevate her beyond her past, beyond  her station, towards something Better, 

‘Well why on earth are you here?’ said the man. It came out like a bark. 

 i am not supposed to be here 

‘I was invited, I said I liked his work, I do like his work, so they said I could come along. It’s funny – ‘  she turned around briefly to face the rest of the hall, to see the rows of tables full with students in  their Friday finest, and though she ran her eyes over almost every face (almost every face – she  aggressively avoided the bear’s) she couldn’t seem to find the little pocket where her friends were  sat – ‘my friends are down there somewhere and I’m up here.’ 

The man smiled then, but only because he understood that he was supposed to. She looked at his  face, at his cheekbones, at his grey hair resting in curtains,  

 he is speaking to me in latin, whispering of dulwich and harrow and  charterhouse, of formal dinners and   High Tables and 

 using the right fork 

T felt the bear sniff the back of her neck. 

act 2 

She tried desperately to put any memories of that dinner into a 6ft grave in the week that followed.

The burning shame of it had only solidified when the man who’d invited her did not smile back when  she had bumped into him on the Monday. 

 i was not good enough. i missed something 

As well as the shame, a sense of frustration and guilt jostled for space in her ribcage, each  periodically rearing their head only to be torn down by another like clockwork. Every time she  remembered the excuse she’d given for leaving early – the hurried ‘I promised I’d be elsewhere…’  with her eyes pinned on the man’s shiny cufflinks on his tailored suit – embarrassment briefly  appeared, punching right up to her cheeks, 

‘You don’t need to feel embarrassed.’ well i fucking do okay i do ‘Yeah, I know.’ 

Her mum’s crackly voice on the other end of the phone, ever trying to cheer her up, ever saying the  wrong thing, 

‘What was her name again?’ 

T told her the woman’s name, having spent time staring at the name card after all conversation had  ceased. 

‘No idea. No idea who that is. Very odd. She said millions?’ 

‘Millions. I wasn’t sure what to say.’ i was worried about the bear ‘What did you say?’ 

‘I didn’t say anything.’ 

‘Did you get to talk to the writer? What was his name?’ 

‘No, not really.’ 

‘Why?’ i did not know how, i did not know what was going ‘He was busy. He was talking to someone else.’ on i had never sat at an elevated table before ‘You could have talked to him. I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded.’ 

‘I just didn’t… the vibe was off. It was odd. I don’t know.’ it is hard to talk when you are being  stalked by a bear ‘Oh. Oh dear. Well. At least you were there. That is a little rebellion all in itself.’ no it was not 

act 3 

A full week after the dinner-that-shall-not-be-named, T found herself in the great hall again. Sat in  the little pocket with her friends she had so desperately tried to find when she had sat at High Table.  And though she did not feel stalked – the hair-raising sensation of the bear’s eyes resting on the  back of her head had disappeared – she could still feel it’s presence, sloping around the hall, padding  up the steps to the platform where the High Table stood. Guarding it’s territory.

that is a little rebellion all in itself no, no it was not 

Perhaps her mere presence in that space, that space not meant for her, perhaps that was a rebellion  all in itself even though it had felt like a sick joke. Perhaps she did not know what a rebellion was.  Was it accepting an invitation, a permittance? Was it being allowed to be somewhere, being asked,  being let-in? Was it no, no I won’t tell you, I won’t tell you who I am, I won’t tell you what I do, because I don’t want you to look at me with commiserations – although perhaps she had lost  already, a birth lottery, perhaps those looks would be apt – was it I promised I’d be elsewhere? 

Where before the mix of shame and embarrassment and frustration and guilt had made her sick,  had made her lame, had injured her, it now made her angry. Her eyes were fixed on the High Table  candelabras, the delicate metal, fixed on the free-flowing upper-tier wine, fixed on the nice suits and  nice dresses and nice shoes, fixed on the class and poise and design of it all – 

which bit of it had been a rebellion? 

T thought as she began walking towards the High Table.  

None of them seemed to notice the bear. They were deep in their conversations, shrouded in the  candlelight, their presence casting long shadows on the walls of the sarcophagus behind them.  

i want them to see me 

When she reached the raised platform she cleared a small space at the end of the long, thin table, politely whispered ‘excuse me’ to the nondescript man whose plate she was moving, and shuffled 

i am on the table! i am standing on the table! they are looking at me and i am on the table – 

The nondescript man muttered, much to his own amusement, asking whether she was looking

for  something in

particular 

i do not say anything. all it is, is that i am on the table.  

one of the kitchen staff grapples at my legs but i am holding fast. 

i am on the table! hahahah! yes. yes! i am on the table 

Do you not see the bear? Do you not see the bear now raising it’s head to let out a

roar?  this is a rebellion. i am not supposed to be here. that is the rebellion. my name is not  marlborough, my name is not wycombe not st pauls not francis holland 

it is not brighton not westminster not city of london it is none of them 

this is a rebellion, this is a mute insurgency of one! 

 No it is not. You are standing on a table. You are standing on a table and the bear – the bear – is bounding towards you – i can hear the crescendo of the dies irae 

The bear! 

this is a rebellion! 

You can’t rebel against a bear!

then what? 

Watch out for the BEAR – 

And the bear’s jaws came down on T’s head.  

Surprisingly, she felt alright. It was warm, and damp, and smelt a bit like fish, but ultimately, it was  alright. She waited calmly for the bear’s teeth to crush her ribs and burst her lungs, but it didn’t  come. Instead, she stared down the bear’s throat into a black abyss. It was as featureless as a cloudy  night sky.  

Sitting there, now, in that dark chasm, she realised she had inadvertently fed the

bear.  That bear. Always that bear.  

perhaps next time i will kill the bear 

yes.  

next time i will kill it.