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Review: Portrait of a Lady on Fire

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It’s strange to talk about love in a film review. It seems to be the object of universal pursuit, or rather, more frequently, the object of universal lamentation; yet few could articulate the shape or form it takes. Celine Sciamma, the kaleidoscopic director of Portrait of a Lady on Fire, does not shy away from the description of the film as an exploration of love, the idea and philosophy of love, or even, to be about ‘sentimental education.’

One is reminded of the ancient Greek encouragement of homosexual dalliances between younger and more mature men as a form of education. But here, the gap between worldly or romantic experience is lessened by the fact that the two protagonists are somewhat equal in age. The film is a slow-burner, with much left unspoken and instead communicated through the ‘female gaze’. The artist pursues her subject whilst the subject invites her portrait-painter. The minimalist style characteristic of Sciamma allows maximum focus on the double ententes of the emotional ‘Cat and Mouse’ game to play out. Each gains more ground on the chess board through observation and better understanding of the other, while still succumbing to the passionate dawning of attraction. 

Portrait of a Lady on Fire presents two hours of immersion in the delicate tapestry of a romantic dalliance that ultimately delights in its purity and sincerity: the Romantic ideal played out more on the canvas and in the beholders’ eyes than through words. Much has been made about the feminist statement of a lesbian film conspicuously lacking in male screen-time, but the universality of romantic harmony sparkles. It is a fascinating study of the unarticulated ways in which one falls in love and receives and gives love, and ultimately, how one lives out a long life ahead without the opportunity of living with one’s true beloved. The film is exquisitely optimistic in its portrayal of a life where characters do not live happily ever after upon discovering true love, but rather move on with the loss whilst cherishing the fleeting enlightenment and fulfilment.

The film, well-received at Cannes, avoids the usual qualities that detain the English from French cinema. It lacks the bombastic existential dialogues whilst disagreeing with the idea of profound and pervasive dread or doom. The scenery of Brittany, albeit austere compared to Mediterranean coasts, is pleasing to the eye; and the use of candles and camp fires in an 18th c. setting evokes a sense of romantic nostalgia. Despite the ever-present sense of inevitable loss, the film is fiercely present. The emotions are simmering beneath the surface, eventually bursting out to offer a tender portrayal of two souls united in love. 

One may never love or perhaps one may get to love happily for the rest of their life. But even if these moments are only fleeting, it is still possible to appreciate the joy. Portrait of a Lady on Fire is a film one may revisit many times, only to indulge in its exquisite artistry and delicious moments of discovery. I am still transfixed with the scene where Heloise tells Marianne: ‘In solitude, I felt the liberty you spoke of. But I also felt your absence.’  

Isolation style guide: How to get out of the pyjama day slump

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We are spending more of the vacation indoors than we intended to… and with that comes the temptation to crawl into bed in our pyjamas and Netflix all the stresses away. I for one fell prey to prolonged naps on my first day home, staying in my sleepwear, not making my bed and lounging about. Which resulted in an estimated eighteen hours of sleeping leaving me with six-hours before the days end. Coming to the decision that I would have to get dressed in functional clothes every morning in order to not waste the entire day led me to consider what I would even wear during this isolation.

It made me question whether we dress for ourselves, those around us or the places that we are going to. I came to the conclusion that it is a mix of all three. We often dress in things that reflect how we feel. We also sometimes make our clothes choices based on how other people view us. We most definitely dress for the places we are going to: casual hangouts, work, fancy restaurants or big events. However, being at home in isolation can feel as though it’s impossible to ‘dress to impress’ as it has ceased almost all of our social interactions. Despite this, it is crucial that you don’t make everyday a pyjama day and the first step to doing that is setting a routine for yourself. The first step to this is allowing yourself a regular sleep schedule and waking up at a consistent time. Make a rough plan of what you need to get done for the day, such as: exercise; study time; making meals; time for yourself and with your family members or friends in person or over the phone!

Whilst I would love to do all these things seamlessly in pyjamas, I would be lying if wearing such relaxed clothing fully motivated me to do a workout or do a translation for class. I for one would not dream of going for a run in University Parks wearing my pyjamas, so for a morning exercise routine, I like to wear some sports leggings or joggers to get my brain programmed for exercise. In a similar vein, I try to pull on a pair of jeans and a jumper for working, because they are comfortable but not too relaxed. For special occasions such as a friend’s birthday (which you might have to celebrate electronically) it’s more than important to take the opportunity to dress up. It’s all about making yourself feel like you want to celebrate, so why not wear that outrageous dress you’ve wanted an occasion for, or that gorgeous velvet suit that has not felt enough love. Alternatively, if you’re missing your significant other why not dress-up for a date night and show each other that even if you’re far away, you can still look fabulous in each other’s company.

Now as fun and ridiculous as this may seem, before you know it, it will be time to relax in your pyjamas again and resume that Netflix binge. It’s the little things such as changing your outfits as you go through different parts of your day that can really make your time in isolation seem less like a restriction on your style and rather an opportunity to be bigger and bolder with your fashion decisions. Enjoy the freedom and space to experiment with your clothing to help you succeed within your daily tasks and isolation lifestyle.  

Eventual Ghosts

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My back was towards you on Penny Farthing Lane
But you made the buildings fall away
Replaced by jungles and woods that teemed with chattering life
Washed beneath a napalm rain
And you were the mockingbird, cawing

My ears were secure in podcasted hold as I crossed over Queen Street
But your siren song still drowned out the loud-roaring sea
As we sailed on enthralled in the pursuit of some ardent glory
Unaware of the oblivion rising from the wine-coloured beneath
And you are the prophetess, preaching

My eyes were down as I wandered along Pembroke Street
But you clanked the storybook shut
And opened instead the doors of a gothic manor teeming with chandelier lit balls
As sighs go ignored in the encompassing gardens
And you will be the ghost, haunting

Unless we listen, we’ll all be ghosts.
Lamenting.

Punctuate As The State Sees Fit

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Before we were mad
We could dance as we wanted
We could kiss who we liked
Conversation could bubble enthusiastically
There was no wrong or right

Before we were responsible
There were no pervading questions
We knew no moral grey
There were categories of (not us) villains
and those who saved the day

Before we were old
We could say we’d seen it all
The heartbreak, betrayal, wonder, love
Every empire’s rise and fall

But now I see we only ever appreciate
Before when it is After

NB: Now try placing commas after the ‘Before’s

We are a backwards people

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We are a backwards people.

We created laptops so we could invent printers to set our texts on paper again.

We designed typefaces to mimic handwriting so that the printed text would look handwritten.

We founded the media to inform the public of the truth, in order to diffuse a new genre of truths: “false truths”.

We invented insurance to ensure that the worst can happen to people, just in case it doesn’t.

We made fountain pens and then ballpoint pens and then lunar pens (so that we could write on the moon… since we forgot about our old led pencils).

We replaced candles with gas lamps then incandescent light bulbs and finally LED lights so that years later the new vogue would be “mock-candles”: candle-shaped LED lights.

We had Christmas in December, which is Winter in half of the world, and concocted a “Christmas in July” so that the southern hemisphere might not get heatstroke from all the festivities.

We began to use money and created taxes and complex social-economic systems so that everyone would suffer equally.

We created a backwards world.

The sun revolves around the Earth which revolves around our moon and the twinkling little stars.

And they thought the Antipodes were unfathomable!

Image credit: NASA

Shoulder

She leant back and let the blade of his shoulder frame the picture, for that’s how she would replay it in her head. And her finger drew concentric circles over the hole in his jumper, and he watched her and forgot the advice his father had given him about women. The answer to the question about time pushing on his teeth was unwelcome and his two fingers could wrap around her ankle and she could bite his thumb just hard enough to make his face contort with some deep emotion, but not hard enough for it to bleed. His right hand tickled her upper arm, she responded with a miniature kiss. He was pretty like a doll and had hair that fell perfectly, contracting like a shy animal back into ringlets when it got wet. His teeth were jagged and handsome, and his face flushed when he sat under his desk lamp for too long. She had harsh eyes, and soft hair and looked always in thought, for the top shelf of her mouth naturally perched open. Their hands squeezed like a ribcage and if she told him about the things she kept in her bedside table that reminded her of him it brought tears to some surface. He worried that she was too good for him, and that he wasn’t good enough to be with just one woman. He worried that this was something she also knew, and he worried that this was why she was crying. And they lay there, right in the skin of the moment, with hope not to break themselves.

Image Credit: Charlotte Bunney

Oxford By Night

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As I wandered through midnight Oxford streets
Shimmered gold from lamps and warm dorm room view
Drizzle caught in an auric glow inspired
Beaded crystals on absent cobweb: dew
That should’ve collapsed the whole damn thing there
Yet somehow it clung valiantly on
Lost by an automatic step unplanned
It still quivers in my mind’s morning song.
It haunts me in its fragility that night
Shivering against a Novembered torrent
How many evenings has it weathered in golden light?
To how many has it been forgotten?
I wonder if the weaver will survive longer than its home?
Immortality comes not in cobweb, but in gold tinged stone.

Image Credit: Isabella Lill

Day to live, day to love

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Today is a Sunday, and today is a beautiful day to be alive
Wake up… sniffle and sneeze, wheeze, as your body wakes to the reality of dust inhalation
A dusting across beds and throws, from heads on pillows
It is a hazy start. The mind clear, but a mucus filled nose endlessly dripping

Yoga is next on your list
Yoga is key, relax the body
But it’s hard to feel free in positions like dog, or cat, or tree…..
If the mucus inside makes it harder to breath

Yoga complete, what a feat, what a way to be starting your day
Slide your hands downs your legs and then grab your big toes
Before crouching in ways that resample a crow; your final, and favourite pose…
And there’s not even any more snot in your nose!

Walk. Float. Past the hammock, down the stairs, and out onto the path.
Perhaps a long route back past the old house
Descend only slightly, and select an inefficient route through the olive trees
Increase your changes of seeing a rabbit, or a mouse
Perhaps that red breasted bird that perches fleetingly on the disused washing line

Enter the house, see who is there, only josh in his bed with his crazy new hair
Its late. Its 9:36, and you normally eat just a little past 8, but wait…
Today is a Sunday
A day of rest! No work on a Sunday!
The day of the Lord you might think to your self
Hardly one’s fault to be raised in the throes of a dogmatic cult
But…
Today is a Sunday, and today is a beautiful day to be alive

Josh isn’t hungry and jack is asleep, so breakfast can wait
Negra (the dog). Is. Hungry
She whimpers and sings, with a gurgling moan, in the hope that you might have some food or a bone
But you have set your sights on a lengthy pre-breakfast meditation…
Negra can wait

It’s a cool morning breeze that brings you back
Lost in thought
This time woken by a peculiar song as a gust strikes the eucalyptus beams on the upstairs balcony
Its now 10:38 and you think to yourself that you feel fucking great!
So you walk to your room and remember that nug of your weed that you left in a mug on the side of your bed
Do you need that weed?

Its less about need, and more about want
An inkling that you should appease your desire to be higher than you currently are
You smoke, a tiny, spliff

The day is young. The sun is warm but low
You wait.
Then you walk…
Looking out onto the beach
Searching for the signs of a mid-morning mother collecting stringy sea weed from the high-water mark
But there is nobody there…
Not a bike or a car or a quad so you talk to the air! And she sings back at you

Eyes dampening, corners fill with the beginnings of a tear drop, and you cry
Cry because you can
Cry with the tears that have waited to arrive
Held back by a block that has been there too long, and a ceaseless prolonging of all that was wrong
Tell it “cease and desist and be gone!” don’t let it persist
The time has arrived to be strong and walk out of the mist, so you walk…

With music in your ears, and a distinctly stoned gate
You climb your favourite rock
Watch your favourite tree sway in the same wind
And bask in the light as you dance with your favourite self

Is this the point that we set out to reach?
And by we I mean me but accounting for each of the moments in time that we, have, been…
I am the sum of the parts, all the me’s from the past have necessarily come together
They stand here with me.
And we cry.
As we look upon beauty…

Image Credit: Charlotte Bunney

Walking Together

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Walking together
I thought how I’d never
Forget you
(As friends do at night)
I wondered if you’d
Forget me
I imagined you might

Earlier I’d waited for you
Inevitably late
Glancing around
I don’t want you to surprise me
But you do
Friendly remark
On the tip of my tongue
Gone

All undone
Because I’ll miss you became
The I love you for friends
But please
Don’t say you’ll miss me again

Image Credit: Georgia Watkins

Anxiety and Me

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I was struggling with where to start this. The start seems a tad too conventional for something that is anything but conventional, so we are Tarantino styling this and going from then jumping back and then forwards again.
For anyone who knows me the previous academic year was a weird one and not exactly the easiest but also probably my best yet and I would personally argue the most informative and important year of my life. Without being cliche I learned more about myself in the past year than I had in any of my time at school.
That’s for one simple fact, I started my year at my version of rock bottom (when on a phone assessment for CBT I said life didn’t seem to have any meaning for me anymore and I was referred to high-intensity one to one CBT). I’ll always be grateful for the position I am in that my rock bottom was still living comfortably with family but mentally I was in a really bad place. In September of 2018, I had been told I was being kicked out of university for failing my first-year exams. First-year of university had not been easy and I can safely say my anxiety had never been worse than before my set of exams and over the summer before the subsequent resits. Yet despite all of this I didn’t speak out, I got up every day, put effort into how I looked and tried to be as smiley and friendly and “lit” as possible all in a vain attempt to make other people think I was coping. I somehow thought that if others thought I was doing well or there appeared to be someone struggling more openly than I was that I would be ok and I had nothing to worry about. This is something I’ve done for most of my life, and not something I’m proud of, to find someone who’s doing “worse” than me and take solace in the fact that, at least at face value, I’m not the biggest fuck up out there. Of course, neither of those things are true, someone else’s problems don’t minimise your own and more importantly, I should be as open as other people about how difficult life is. It does, however, extend to avoiding busy places (something I have thankfully been forceful and stopped myself doing), regularly thinking everyone (including close mates) hate me and that my accent is grating on everyone’s ears.
If you’ve seen me around college or Oxford recently and stopped to ask me how I’m doing there’s a chance I’ve told you I’m not doing well. That’s not to say term is going badly or my mental health is deteriorating I’ve just taken to not putting up a facade anymore. If I am having a bad day I am going to tell you and have no shame about it.
I won’t bore you all with the details of how anxiety affects me in everyday life, partly because I am aware just how trivial most of it is when written down, just like many things in life a bullet point list will never get across the experience of what life is like with it.
I started suffering with anxiety around year 11 and my GCSE exams, I remember shaking with nerves (something I’d never done before) outside my English exam. I didn’t finish that exam but ignored what had happened as I still did ok. I now fully believe I have never had a really good experience with exams since that day, be it thoughts that I’ll fail to never fully achieving what I felt I could there has always been something off about exams since that day. It’s not just academically that anxiety affects me, I felt my mind cloud from anxious thoughts in my black belt karate grading (which I subsequently failed) and if you ask me to approach someone new on my own you’ll be met with a laugh and some choice words if you keep pushing.
Growing up both gay and with undiagnosed dyspraxia I was unfortunately prone to developing mental health problems trying to navigate a world that isn’t always the friendliest place. Not feeling like a proper man because I used to play with my sister’s barbie dolls and couldn’t kick or catch a ball if my life depended on it is still something that quietly affects me to this day. But as you get older you do realize that is a problem with how masculinity is defined and not a problem with one’s self.
It was this desire to be seen as a proper man that stopped me from speaking out earlier not wanting to be seen as weak and “attention-seeking” something I now realize was my own prejudices against mental health which rather ironically caused me a lot of harm. This past year I have realized it’s not bad to complain and vent and open up to lots of people, the more people who know you the more people you have to turn to.
I am by no means at the end of my journey being as I only truly started it 6 months back when I started receiving CBT on the NHS (now discharged which is a strange feeling) and I am certainly not, or probably ever, living anxiety free. But I certainly much happier now than during my first year at uni and that’s all that matters. I still put too much effort into how I look on my bad days and the rule about me not approaching people I don’t know at mixers most definitely still stands. This is by no means a full life recount and anything left out has been done so for a reason (I’m probably not comfortable talking about it here). There is to many people to thank for making the past year so good from what should have been nothing (shoutout to the big sis though who has done more than she probably realizes) and I’ll leave this with the small fact that opening up and standing up for myself got me back to uni and if that’s not reason enough to seek help for your own worries and stresses I don’t know what is.