Saturday 2nd August 2025
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A well-stocked student pantry

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John Waters once said not to sleep with anyone who doesn’t own books. I have a similar adage concerning balsamic vinegar. There’s something revelatory about the snapshot of a strangers’ tastes given by the pantry-staple pantheon.

I’m not above judging other people for their choices. Mixed herbs? I’m not at a point in my culinary journey where thyme is all that different to rosemary, but I have the good grace not to flaunt my ignorance so brazenly. Siracha will always win my admiration, with its vibrant colour and promise to zhoosh up any meal, while the use of malt vinegar for anything but cleaning lets me know where I’m not welcome.

On my list of essentials, there’s paprika, because the smoky flavour reminds me of chorizo-filled family holidays to Spain. Soy sauce, because it’s a takeaway in a bottle, making fried rice and peas feel kingly. Chilli flakes, because I’m not a coward.

The dream, hazy and yet unrealised, is to scan an Ottolenghi and realise I already have everything I need. Like a neatly made bed or a Solo account with no pending returns, a well-stocked pantry goes a long way towards a general sense of wellbeing.

Perhaps this is unrealistic when shelf space is as scarce as fixed-rent property in London. In student kitchens, everything must have a purpose. A bag of dessicated coconut left over from a new dal recipe needs to find another life, because it’s taking up space usually reserved for pasta. So it goes into the cabbage I’m frying, with ginger and lime juice, and I’m not disappointed. Perhaps there’s a bright side to this nomadic lifestyle, where the rush to use everything up before the end of term spurs on the most creative dishes.

In lieu of a freezer or even much fridge room, the pantry comprises a backbone from which miracles can be wrought. Baked beans are ripe for experimentation, infinitely more interesting spiked with crushed garlic, barbeque sauce and a handful of kale. Tinned soup can be bulked out with chickpeas and chopped tomatoes, with a few herbs or spices chucked in to up the flavour.

And couscous! I could write an ode to couscous. It’ll forgive any strange assortment of vegetables, especially when dressed with salt, olive oil and vinegar. It asks no special treatment and takes up no more space than it needs – it just sits there, ready to fluff into life within ten minutes of putting the kettle on. This is the best kind of cooking: exploratory, gentle on mistakes, and endlessly adaptable.

Lacrosse Blues miss out on league title to Cambridge

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On 24 January, exactly one month before the Varsity showdown, Oxford faced off against Cambridge in the Southern Premiership Lacrosse League. Both teams went into it undefeated in the Bucs competition to date, with the last meeting between the two sides finishing as a draw.

Although acting as a warm up for Varsity, this match was crucial; the victorious team would win the Southern Premiership title. The excellent form from both sides meant the top two positions in the table were securely theirs, with this game deciding top spot.

It was Cambridge who had the better start to the first half, scoring two well worked goals in quick succession. Yet some excellent Oxford defending coupled with quick smooth transitions up the field, resulted in goals for the dark Blues.  Possession was shared fairly evenly between teams, and as ever the scores remained close: 2-3, 2-4, 3-4. Oxford went into at half time trailing by just one goal, but after a close first period victory was very much still up for grabs.

Straight from the half-time whistle, it was Charlotte Hoskin who once again secured possession for the dark Blues off the draw. Indeed, her performance was so impressive that she secured MVP after the game.

In sports like football both opposition alternate who takes possession from the centre, however in lacrosse the draw decides possession. The centres from each team align their stick heads with the ball trapped between the two. On the whistle both try to propel the ball towards a teammate. Winning the draw is therefore a test of strength and speed.

Oxford quickly carried the ball over the restrainer into the defence. The restrainer is a pitch marking that each team must keep five members (including the goalkeeper) behind at all times to avoid violating the offside rule. Since no fast break was on, the dark Blue attack progressed into a slow break.

Where there is no man up situation for the offensive team, the play moves into settled attack with even numbers defending and attacking: the slow break. From this position Oxford looked set to move in on goal, and some quick passing and cutting through the fan (area in front of goal) created space for a drive and shot.

However, a decent save from the Cambridge keeper generated another chance for the light Blues. The game continued like this throughout the duration of the second half; the ball transitioning quickly back and forth with the scores remaining within one or two goals.  With 15 minutes remaining, Alexandra Drewe was given a yellow card for dangerous shooting.

During this two minute man down period, Cambridge had the first possession and looked set to move in on goal, but some amazing defending from Oxford ensured a crucial turnover, meaning that Cambridge failed to capitalise on their numerical advantage.

With five minutes on the clock, Oxford scored. Now only one goal down, and with the momentum swinging in Oxford’s favour, Cambridge, evidently feeling the pressure, called a time out. Tactically, this decision paid off; with only a few minutes left on the clock, Oxford went into full pressure backer defence, in hope that this risk would result with a turnover.

Yet it was Cambridge who scored  several times in the dying minutes, and thus they were victorious at the full time whistle.

Nevertheless it was a great game to watch, and gave both teams things to consider before the Varsity Match on 24 February.

Vengeance, violence, and why I lost faith in Game of Thrones

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The last three seasons of Game of Thrones have been awful. Don’t even try to deny it.

Its first few seasons were tightly plotted and well-written. With Season Five, however, its quality went into freefall, hurtling passed mediocrity into the depths of outright badness. While the staggering production values, incredible score and wonderful actors haven’t gone anywhere, the show has betrayed the themes of the books on which it is based and, in so utterly misrepresenting them, has become deeply unpleasant to watch.

Its use of violence provides the clearest example of this incomprehension: in its earlier seasons, massacres and killings, whilst common, were integrated seamlessly into the wider storytelling; they were a means, not an end. However, it often seems that the creators have attributed the programme’s success to its willingness to shock and horrify. And so, a once-thoughtful programme has now descended into an ever-escalating sequence of spectacularly insubstantial set-pieces, an extravaganza of gore without meaning, sound and fury signifying nothing. It’s a bloodthirsty game of one-upmanship, with each murderous twist trying to outdo the last, storytelling be damned.

The aftermath of the Season Six finale is emblematic of this subordination of storytelling to pretty pyrotechnics: when the leadership of the Faith Militant, a movement buoyed by an outpouring of popular resentment for the ruling elite, are massacred, you might expect some long-term repercussions or a period of uncertainty about the new balance of power. In Game of Thrones, however, they are important only as a vehicle for violence, an expedient to get some pretty fireworks on the screen. They are destroyed and forgotten, the show striding over their bodies as if they were nothing, hurrying on to the next big thing.

This casual deployment of violence stunts the growth of key characters and undermines the moral framework by which we’re encouraged to understand the world. When Arya kills people in the books, it’s meant to be profoundly disturbing. She’s a child, traumatised by the brutality that has deprived her of a family and a childhood. The show, however, frames her vengeance against the Freys as a moment of triumph and justice.

It’s precisely this simplistic view of vengeance and violence that the books try to problematise. The epilogue of A Storm of Swords, for instance, grants readers the vengeance for which they have been longing while subverting their expectations. When Lady Stoneheart begins executing Freys for their part in the Red Wedding, Martin presents her as cruel, as pitiless, as wrong. As a reader, your vengeful wishes are fulfilled, but they turn to ash in your mouth. The show, which contorts its storytelling in order to be as shocking as possible, could never hope to achieve such a potent subversion of its fans’ expectations.

This unthinking recourse to violence means that human life becomes expendable, each character just another hunk of meat to be chucked onto the flames of spectacle. No act of violence is part of some wider thematic argument and, therefore, no act of violence really matters. It’s just there. Killing. Death. Bloodshed. All because it’s kind of fun to look at, I guess.

Watching Game of Thrones now is an utterly disheartening experience: untethered from thematic coherence, detached from consistent narrative logic, it’s impossible to appreciate it as anything more than a pretty show with a big budget. It’s glib and mean-spirited, using death and violence to cauterise plotlines in which it has lost interest, never reflecting on quite what it’s saying about the acts it depicts.

I guess I’ll just keep waiting for The Winds of Winter. It’ll be out any day now, I’m sure.

Downsizing review – ‘leaving the audience more bored than scintillated’

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Last night, I was flicking through Netflix and I wound up watching an indie noir film from 1996 called Hard Eight. I liked it very much, and one of its qualities that really struck me was how it’s able to make its central character enigmatic, yet interesting and watchable. This struck me because, after seeing Downsizing, it was nice to be reminded that it’s possible to centre a story around a character who is interesting enough to sustain a film’s runtime.

But I’m getting ahead of myself; the premise for Downsizing is really worth sketching out before we go any further, because it is a doozy. In a nebulous future, scientists have decided to combat global warming/overpopulation by creating a way to shrink people down to a few inches tall – a process which is especially appealing to the middle classes because, when you’re small, your money goes much further, and you can live like millionaires without ever working another day in your life.

That’s already an extremely fruitful premise for a satire on middle-class greed, the selfish side of human nature, a class warfare within a national economy and the folly of human responses to climate change, and we haven’t even gotten to the characters yet: and therein, oddly, lies the problem.

Matt Damon plays…Matt Damon. I wish I could tell you anything about his character apart from the fact that he’s an occupational therapist – a detail I would ordinarily forget, but it’s literally all we’re told about his character. Like his last film, Suburbicon, it feels as if the director decided that casting Matt Damon would be a serviceable substitute for creating a lead character with motives, goals, an interesting backstory, or any character traits to speak of. It leaves an irredeemable vacuum at the heart of the film that no high-concept sci-fi intrigue can fix, though the filmmakers try their best.

See, the film is 135 minutes, and it simultaneously feels at least 15 minutes too long yet also painfully rushed. Alexander Payne, a director whose previous work I’ve really loved (you owe it to yourself to see The Descendants and Nebraska if you haven’t yet), seems unable to weld the premise to a functioning storyline for most of the runtime. There are a painful number of ’x years later’ title cards which fracture what story there is, while superficially interesting tangents about economic realities, climate change and wryly misleading marketing are treated with the same gravity as character introductions and plot arcs, leaving the audience more bored than scintillated.

All of this serves to damn-near squander the film’s best asset: Hong Chau as Vietnamese dissident-turned-refugee (oh yeah, there’s a tangent about illegal immigration/oppressive governments which is painfully shoehorned in) Ngoc Lan Tran, a character so controversial that she has her own Wikipedia page. She speaks in a broken English dialect which, as well as considerably muddling the film’s tone, many critics found unspeakably offensive. I personally settled into it after a brief adjustment period, but I found the way she was written considerably more irritating. Though a lot of her narrative function is to attempt to provide Matt Damon’s ‘character’ with an arc, she’s often frustratingly well-written in her own right, with her altruistic nature balanced beautifully against her hilariously insistent personality and even her femininity and sexuality towards the end. It’s a star-making turn that sadly missed out on some well-deserved recognition at this year’s Oscars.

The most frustrating thing about Downsizing is that the good elements, like Chau’s performance, or the stellar production design that wonderfully conveys the slightly unsettling yet charming nature of the miniature world, only serve to foreground the flaws in such a scattershot script. It’s a thought-provoking film that’s beautiful to look at, but with such a meandering storyline and thinly-sketched characters, it never comes close to affecting your heart – even in a small way.

Let’s Talk About: Casual sex

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What’s in a number? If a person has had sex with 50 people, what does that say about their values compared to somebody who is still a virgin? I’d argue that it says very little but, as a sex positive twenty-something, I find that despite the growing sexual liberation movement within our society, there are still people who will automatically jump to conclusions about a person based on their sexual behaviour.

I have found that, despite my own open attitude, actually sitting down to write an article about casual sex is surprisingly difficult. For the most part you’ll be preaching to the choir, or else the reader will have totally different values and you probably aren’t going to change anyone’s opinions. If somebody feels strongly about waiting until marriage, you’re unlikely to convince them that having sex with an attractive acquaintance is the way forward (although both of said decisions are totally legitimate – you do you).

Either way, as a student at university, casual sex is something you will be exposed to. Whether you engage in it yourself, or hear the post-bop college gossip, or even if you just occasionally scroll past an Oxfess hook up confession (but did that person really have sex in the Rad Cam?) With hormones surging and the ubiquitous desire for a release after an essay crisis, sex is everywhere.

Yet, bizarrely, who you have sex with, how often you do it, or how many partners you’ve had, are all factors that people take as entitlement to judge your sense of morality, or else to be fetishised or glamourised.

It’s hard not to have had a personal experience of slut-shaming, or else be called a prude if you are more reserved. Even in casual relationships, people sometimes ask what your ‘number’ is, and there are assumptions that a higher number makes you more likely to be ‘unclean’ or to have an STD. For the record, it doesn’t. For that matter, why is talking about STDs so cringe in the first place?

Half of sexually active people will get an STD before the age of 25, so use protection and get tested, but it’s so common that you’re not suddenly a leper because you’ve had one. Equally, a higher number doesn’t mean that you don’t value romantic intimacy – maybe on top of an Oxford degree – you just don’t need the pressure of a partner!

One thing that really lacks representation and can be particularly hard to navigate is how casual sex fits into queer life, particularly for those who identify as female. Casual hookups seem, to me, to be more often spoken about in TV shows that focus on heterosexual or often cis, homosexual men. There are still the taboos and misconceptions about who can be a sexual person, or who is ‘too sexual’.

As a bisexual woman, I feel that people often automatically view you as more ‘promiscuous’ (who said that word has to be negative anyway?) just for being hypothetically attracted to a bigger pool of people. There are misconceptions that bisexual people are more likely to cheat in relationships, or else men assume that they can have a threesome with you, or lesbians won’t want you because you’re not ‘gold star’ (shocker: you’ve been with a man!) Of course, not everyone treats you like this, but every negative assumption based on your sexuality sounds out louder than 20 positive and informed things.

There is an elitism as to who is perceived as acceptable in their experience of casual sexual relationships, or who is perceived as doing it too much. To be LGBTQ+, BAME or, worryingly, having a mental health condition (think Effy in Skins), is to be automatically sexualised. Yet to be older, or to be disabled, is often to be entirely desexualised, sometimes even causing people to be disgusted at you having a totally normal human feeling (again, humans have human feelings…isn’t shocking really, is it?)

For me, stereotypes and societal attitudes to sex will always make the topic of casual sex difficult. Breaking down our assumptions about how other people should behave in their consensual, private lives (i.e. not treating them differently for their choices), and instead focusing on having a positive atti- tude to ourselves should be all you really care about. Have (safe) fun, or don’t – that’s your choice.

One Size Doesn’t Fit All

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Upon entering the Brandy Melville store on Carnaby Street, you are seduced by the aesthetic of the American high-schooler; slogan quarter-zip sweats and gingham rompers cover walls adorned with stars and stripes. Break through the façade and actually pick up an item, you’ll notice a difference between Brandy Melville and the last styled store that you entered. It only sells one size, and that size converts to a UK size 6. So highly is the community that this brand creates that the exclusive customers are invited by their body shape.

It is undeniable that the fashion industry has always been affiliated with discrimination. Luxury designer brands have long discriminated financially with their high prices, forging a customer base of a certain monetary status. Yet, Brandy Melville opens our eyes to a new kind of discrimination, the customer base is not shaped by finance, or accessibility to the product, but one based on body shape, by the physical shape of your body, by your biology. If you do not fit the exact measurements of their ideal teenage cheerleader fantasy, you can’t buy their clothes. Anyone with a slight arse, thighs that touch together or any sort of breast is isolated.

Despite this, the brand’s USA Instagram account, a smorgasbord of long-legged, bleached-haired, bronzed, effortlessly candid, and obviously thin models and customers hanging out in empty car parks, has 3.8 million followers and it is estimated that the brand turned over $125 million last year and is growing by another 20% each year. Big numbers for a brand that only sells one size. The success of the company that discriminates is down to the desirable image that it endlessly creates. The clothes that they sell are only basics, such as tank tops and sweats, and they’re not expensive either; for example, you can buy a classic striped top for £18 or a pair of tailored trousers for £24.  It is the models and their bodies that seduce the customers. Girls desire the body shape of the model and try to access this through buying her clothes, in the one size that she wears them. This also transfers from the virtual world into reality, the company’s workforce mirror their important ‘image’, mostly female and all attractive. Furthermore, there is allegations that the staff are subject to being photographed at the end of a shift to make sure that eight hours later, they are still fitting the ‘image’. At the end of the day, Brandy Melville is a company that retails an ideal lifestyle, rather than a commodity.

This focus on body image and appearance undermine the work of organisations such as the Be Real campaign or Girls Out Loud, which try to inspire body confidence and self-esteem in teenage girls full of anxiety surrounding their image. Being excluded from a shop which targets your own generation simply because you are not a UK 6 is damaging and certainly not what you need as a teen, insecure or no. This can be seen in Jo Ellison’s article for the Financial Times titled ‘Brandy Melville and the rise of Instabrand’, looking at the effects of the ‘cookie-cutter inclusivism’ of the brand which prescribes a shape and image for its customers. With a twelve-year-old daughter herself, she provides an insight into the relationship between Brandy Melville and its following. The girl is seduced and reeled in by ‘likes and shares’, instead of press or billboards, making the campaign seem real and accessible, it resides on her own Instagram feed instead of in a glossy magazine. It’s the ‘collegiate, sunny cornfed cool’ aesthetic that Ellison says attracts its ‘mostly pubescent patrons’ in a ‘cult-like appeal’ founded on images which are spread via social media.

It’s indisputable that nowadays we shop for an image instead of an item. Still, the existence of a brand such as Brandy Melville shows us how the selling of one-size basics, a business model that is ultimately exclusive and mundane, can become a cultural staple for teenagers through the use of identical skinny models, Instagram filters and a beach front in Santa Monica. American consumerism has always been transfixed with the ideal, whether it is owning the perfect house with a porch and a swingseat or living the American dream, this transfixion now is adapting to the modern age, Brandy Melville proves to us that we now live in a culture where the ideal has moved from the real to the virtual. Simply, the ideal inhabits Instagram.

The trouble with sex in fiction

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Anybody reading this who has tried writing about sex will know that doing it well is bloody tricky. In fact, it is considered so notoriously tricky that the Literary Review felt compelled to set up the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards, if only to accommodate the vast number of contenders for the prize.

So what is the issue? Why do even the most highly regarded novelists slip below their usual standards when it comes to writing about sex?

One of the reasons, it seems to me, is that sex scenes in novels are often gratuitous. That’s to say, while it might occur with enviable frequency that two (or more) characters in a novel sleep together, it is seldom necessary for the reader to witness the act itself. If its role in the action is simply to show a progression in two characters’ relationship then surely, you’d think, we can be spared the carnal details.

The problem is that when a sex scene has no other purpose beyond being a sex scene, the writing, with no substance to cling to, tends to deteriorate into protracted floral metaphors (who knew the many uses to which tulips and roses can be put) and an overemphasis on anatomical description that leave readers squirming – and not in a good way.

Seeming to have reached this same conclusion, Salman Rushdie for many years avoided writing about sex at all. If the plot of his one of his novels called for it, he would manoeuvre so as to have the sex occur ‘off-stage’.

Eventually, however, he rose to the challenge in his novel Shalimar the Clown. And wouldn’t you know it, his attempt landed him on the longlist for that year’s Bad Sex in Fiction Award for his memorable description of the female sex as a “little pot of fire hanging low, below her belly, heating further what was already hot.” What a poor reward for artistic bravery.

The greatest danger of the enterprise, he explained afterwards, was to try to make the sex in any way ‘sexy’, in any way pornographic. Rushdie seems to be on to something here.

Indeed, the risk in trying to write ‘sexily’ is that quite often the effect is the opposite of what was intended. What seemed sexy in the favourable lighting of the mind’s eye ends up on the black-and-white page being either awkward, or ridiculous, or both.

Real sex is not pornography, which in any case is best left to the professionals, and fiction that tries to present it in this way will end up being at best dishonest and at worst ridiculous.

Then again, some writers have seized upon sex’s more ridiculous qualities and used it to their advantage.

Hanif Kureishi is one example of a writer who deploys comedy to moderate the difficulty of writing about sex. Take, if you will, this example from The Buddha of Suburbia, where the protagonist, Karim, is witnessing his step-brother, for whom he has long harboured amorous feelings, endure a sadomasochistic sex session with a New York prostitute.

“She tipped wax all over him – stomach, thighs, feet, prick. This was where, had it been me with hot wax sizzling on my scrotum, I would have gone through the roof… Christ, I thought, what would Eva say if she could see her son and myself right now?… And it was at this moment, as she blew out a candle, lubricated it and forced it up his arse, that I realized I didn’t love Charlie any more.”

Comedy helps to prevent the pretentious tone that can creep into even the best writers’ prose when trying to tastefully present lewd and lascivious subject matter and thus can be a very useful approach for writing fictional sex. It also helps to relieve the tension a bit, letting the reader relax and allowing the writer room to explore the funny, ridiculous and sometimes disgusting aspects of sex.

Speaking of disgusting aspects of sex, Charles Bukowski, in whose novels the beast with two backs is a rather frequently recurring character, had a different method for tackling the issue.

Bukowski preferred to neutralise the difficulty of writing about sex in his novels by making it either perfunctory (“I pushed my tongue into her mouth, kissed her, and climaxed”) or perverse (“When I came I felt it was in the face of everything decent, white sperm dripping down over the heads and souls of my dead parents.”) Charming.

Though in fairness to Bukowski it must be said that in both his poetry and his prose he devoted extensive effort to documenting the loneliness, boredom and self-loathing that drove him to womanising.

Through his prolific exploration of the subject, he also managed to represent the highly variegated nature of sexual experience; how the same act could be an expression of apathy, hatred, love, anger, joy, jealousy, and so on.

Or to take another example: James Joyce… or, in fact, don’t. In his fiction, James Joyce wrote about sex as James Joyce would write about sex. But if there is one thing to be said about his contribution, at least he cannot be accused of expending any effort in trying to make sex ‘sexy’.

By the by, anybody who might be lusting for a taste of literary filth would not be ill-served by reading Joyce’s remarkably depraved loveletters to his partner, Nora.

Let us instead consider a writer who attempted none of the above deflectionary tactics, who wrote about sex with a characteristically bold but delicate touch.

Among his many other superb qualities, James Baldwin is the best writer about sex that I know of, and having explored this sensitive terrain this should be considered no trivial achievement.

To return to an earlier point, what makes Baldwin’s writing top this particular list is that sex in his fiction is never gratuitous: there is always a point to it.

In particular, Baldwin uses the vulnerability and exposure inherent in sex to reveal aspects of his characters that they otherwise do their best to hide from the world. “For the act of love is a confession,” he writes in Another Country, “One lies about the body but the body does not lie about itself; it cannot lie about the force which drives it.”

Baldwin presents more starkly and with more intensity than Bukowski does the motives that drive people to bed with each other. Take the following passage from Giovanni’s Room: “Her lips parted and she set her glass down with extraordinary clumsiness and lay against me. It was a gesture of great despair and I knew that she was giving herself, not to me, but to that lover who would never come.” He exposes better than any other writer the emotions that storm within people during the act itself.

Consider the following from Another Country: “Yes, he had been there: chafing and pushing and pounding, trying to awaken a frozen girl. The battle was awful because the girl wished to be awakened but was terrified of the unknown. Every movement that seemed to bring her closer to him, to bring them closer together, had its violent recoil, driving them farther apart.”

Notice the language of violence. The actors are clearly terrified: sex is a battle, bringing out the inner torment within them both, each partner fighting a battle not with the other but with themselves, attempting by loving another to love themselves.

This is what makes Baldwin’s writing about sex stand apart from the rest, and is perhaps the key to writing sex well in fiction: what you get is understanding, not description.

Our paradise is lost

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For hundreds of years our perception of the Garden of Eden has been idyllic – a landscape that is rich in produce, beautiful plants and wildlife that live in harmony. The Biblical portrayal of the Garden describes “trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food” (Genesis 2:4).

Just a glance at the work of painters who have depicted the Garden shows an abundance of greenery. It seems we never tire of re-telling the Christian story of man’s creation – everyone from Milton to Shakespeare has had a go. Historically, the focus has been on the corruption of man – that age-old tale of the fruit that cast us out of Paradise. Milton viciously blamed all women: William Golding suggested that we’d become barbarous even with an all-male cast of school-boys.

Since the new millennium, however, it appears our attention has shifted. We are living in an age of tenuous ecology, and such anxiety has changed the way we approach the Christian creation story. Concerns about man’s inevitable sinful nature are no longer at the forefront of our cultural exploits. In a nation that is both secular and religiously diverse, worries about our individual damnation have been replaced by a much more pressing issue: the damnation of our environment.

When Adam and Eve are cast out of Paradise their environment changes. In Milton’s postlapsarian landscape, for example, animals hunt each other for food instead of living harmoniously, and the land Adam and Eve once worked on happily is less fruitful. In the mid-seventeenth century, a failed harvest, though potentially fatal for the farmers that relied on their crops for survival, would have been the extent of the environmental damage Milton and his contemporaries were aware of. For British citizens, natural disasters were the stuff of mythical and Biblical stories. Milton could not have imagined the scale of environmental catastrophe that we are now facing.

On Sunday an Iranian oil tanker sank off the coast of Shanghai, dumping about one million barrels of oil into the sea. Last year was the worst fire season in American history, and one of the worst Atlantic hurricane seasons on record. In 2016, the amount of carbon dioxide in earth’s atmosphere reached 403 parts per million – the highest it’s been since at least the last ice age. If Milton had watched the last episode of Blue Planet II, which depicted shocking stories of dolphins exposing their young to contaminants through polluted milk and albatross parents unknowingly feeding plastic to their chicks, his postlapsarian world would have looked very different.

Modern depictions of the Garden of Eden show a world in which the impacts of human actions are more devastating for the environment than anything else. The opening credits of Wall-E (2008) span over a landscape ruined by waste. Wall-E is a robot designed to clean up earth while the planet’s human inhabitants have been housed on a Noah’s Ark-esque spaceship, where they’ve remained for hundreds of years longer than planned. Wall-E’s loneliness as apparently the only functioning robot on a dilapidated, post-apocalyptic planet is remedied by the arrival of Eve, a female robot sent to earth with the purpose of finding life.

Beyond being a charming children’s animation, Wall-E gives us an alternative Eden, stained by the sin of an excessively consumerist and wasteful culture. In the Bible story from which the film is inspired, Eve’s eating from the tree of knowledge causes the downfall of man. The conclusion of Pixar’s animation, however, teaches the opposite; it is only when Captain McCrea learns about agriculture and environmental issues that he steers the Axiom back to earth with the intention of saving the planet.

Z for Zachariah (made into a film in 2015) depicts another new Eden – this time one poisoned by a radioactive leak that has destroyed all of earth except, inexplicably, a valley in the deep south. Unlike Wall-E, which ends with the optimistic notion of humans repairing our environmental mess, Z for Zachariah is hauntingly bleak. There is no option to reverse the radiation that has destroyed the planet and the sole surviving characters are forced to live in tense harmony with each other until they die slow, cancerous deaths.

It may be thousands of years since the Bible was written, yet the Garden of Eden story has remained relevant. We are less concerned, however, with the implication of man’s actions on our individual damnation. Indeed, it is imperative to think about the bigger picture. When Adam and Eve made mistakes in the sixth century BCE, the environment they found themselves in was populated by animals hunting one another and harvests that occasionally failed. But a foot wrong in the twenty-first century will cost us dearly. If we want to reverse the effects of the mass extinction we are the throes of, regrow the 18 million acres of forest that are destroyed each year and clean our oceans of the eight million tonnes of plastic that build up in it yearly, we need to act soon.

Post-apocalyptic depictions of Eden currently only exist on our film screens, but the trend is evidence of a growing anxiety about the future of our planet. Human actions are set to cause the destruction of earth – not through an acquisition of knowledge, but a lack of it.

Roger Stone: How liars take the limelight

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Roger Stone entered the Oxford Union in mournful parade on Tuesday night. His black coat was hung over the shoulders like Darth Vader’s cape, though such an aesthetic was dashed by his pinstripe zoot suit underneath, which was more reminiscent of ‘Fat Tony’ from The Simpsons, than ‘evil ruler of the galaxy’. In his choice of attire, Stone clearly attempts to live up to the moniker ‘Prince of Darkness’, though on the occasion of our meeting it came of looking slightly like a halloween costume, with all the cartoon baddies of pop culture rolled into one.

As the Union hacks around me stood in solemn silence – dazzled by the proximity of political infamy – I stifled giggles as Stone’s entourage appeared, all in the uniform of Burberry rain macs. Were these the Inspector Gadget auditions, or was I in for a strip tease?

The glamour of the Union he adored, and so eager for his avid followers back in the USA to get a glimpse of the famous debating society, Stone instructed one of his team to play paparazzo with his camera-phone alongside the Union’s hired photographer. I suspect these pictures were intended for immediate upload to one of Stone’s  websites in the US, Infowars or Stone Cold Truth – America first, as they say. As Stone and I sat down, I asked why his grandson was prodding a camera in my face. “It’s for the website” I was assured. “We’ll just use some clips.” At that moment I imagined the titles of said video excerpts: ‘Oxford libtard ANNIHILATED by Roger Stone’, etcetera.

Yet despite the anticipated opprobrium of his supporters – those on the nativist right who Stone himself has termed ‘non-sophisticates’ in the past – I could hardly resist an interview with one of Trump’s most prominent supporters. Stone is so intimate with the President that he has received dear Donald’s most esteemed gift – implication in the House of Representatives’ Russia probe (he has attempted to crowdfund half a million dollars for his defence). As I was unable to turn down the chance of an interview, so was he. Referring to himself as “an agent provocateur”, Stone seeks out the attention of any and all media. CNN were in to grill him just before I arrived with my pen, paper, and dictaphone. Despite lambasting the so-called ‘Clinton News Network’ in his address to the Union, Stone was more than happy to sit under their shining lights and boom mic.

Worlds collided in the Union’s dimly lit Gladstone room. The old media and the new. The left and the right. The truth and lies. I wondered what our long dead four time Prime Minister who the room is named after, the arch ‘muscular liberal’ William Gladstone, might have thought if he saw a CNN producer and an employee of the alt-right conspiracy network Infowars standing side by side with their cameras fixed on a man with a track record of racism and misogyny (the words “stupid negro” and “die bitch” spring to mind). Perhaps liberalism should start lifting again. But Stone acts so deftly as intercessor between the two worlds, that those on one side often forget his association with the other. In this he differs in the extreme from his Infowars co-presenter Alex Jones, who humiliated himself with a tirade about ‘the EU Nazi plan’ while appearing on the BBC’s Daily Politics. Stone saves his more noisome diatribe for Twitter (a website from which he is now permanently banned) and

Trump campaign events, where he regularly called for the imprisonment of the opposition candidate during the 2016 election.

When I ask Stone whether his highly composed address to the Union was an example of this duality, Stone admits: “you have to obviously speak to your audience.” Here I was reminded of that old warning about the dangers of a charming zealot. Of Nixon (his political mentor) and the Watergate scandal, he says “I don’t think he knew.” Never have I heard something so doubtful told with such equanimity. Nixon himself resigned from the Presidency, had to be pardoned by his successor, and apologised for wrongdoing. “There’s no evidence” Stone insists. To back up this ‘unorthodox’ claim, he tenders the excuse: “I’ve written an entire book on this subject.” At this moment, a terrible truth dawned on me. Roger Stone knows how to woo an audience. In the Union chamber, he made all the right jokes. Equally, he profits in America from the impression that he is a gentleman. Amongst his base, the simple fact of having written books – regardless of their veracity – is worthy of note, and one expects that President Trump, the least literate holder of the office in history, is similarly enthralled by a ‘literary’ figure. Now, sitting in an armchair at the Oxford Union, with the cameras flashing and the applause of the audience thundering, the impression that this man is somehow respectable only grows. He wants to be seen as more than a conspiracy theorist.

The main lines of Stone’s rhetoric, about “a permanent governing class”, seem at first to have a Jacksonian undertone. But on closer inspection, the sense of any grand ideology falls away. It is so clear that Stone’s driving belief seems not to be patriotism, but rather a kind of paranoia about America. He has never in his career been satisfied that a candidate can stand and fall through the processes of democracy. Instead he has been willing to reach the heights of duplicity to protect his heroes. And whenever they fall, he has the same hysterical excuse. Back in 1960, when Kennedy ran for president, the young Stone ensured that his fellow Catholic would win the school mock election by telling everyone in the cafeteria that his opponent Nixon would bring in a Saturday school day. Stone later called this a political trick, but many would describe it as a lie. He now predictably refers to the assassination of the president in 1963 as “a violent coup against John F Kennedy”. Teenage mendacity did not fall away in later life, and after his conversion to the Republicans, Stone was the youngest person implicated in the aforementioned Watergate scandal, the Nixon administration’s criminal attempt to keep the Democrats out of power. He says of that president’s resignation in 1974: “I think Nixon was taken out in a peaceful coup.”

In 2018, as Robert Mueller’s investigation rolls on, who knows what the outcome will be for Stone’s latest political idol, the serial liar Donald Trump. In regard to Trump’s presidential campaign, he speaks of “the use of the entire government surveillance apparatus to violate the constitution.” The thread between all these major instances in Stone’s career seems not to be any guiding political belief, except that the American political system is always against him. It seems that he can never be satisfied with the political process, instead he paints a sensationalist picture of “a permanent government that is neither Republican or Democrat.”  But that, I suppose, is the problem with conspiracy theorists – their arguments and grievances always endure, because they are never obliged to provide any evidence.

Booze cruise: Cocktails at Catz

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Renowned for being the drink of choice at bops, the Catz Tail’s sparkling blue and purple ombre is a joyful sight to behold. The drink is a (rather edgy) combination of port and VK – and there’s the option to add a shot or two of vodka if you’ve had a really rough day. Beware though – a few of these down you and the last thing you’ll remember will be the already-spinning face of your college dad warning you, “Careful. Those are dangerous,” as you laugh and wave him away.

The drink is a play on the traditional cocktail, the Cheeky Vimto. But instead of WKD, we stay true to the £1 legendary blue bottle of that wonderful place, Parkend, and use VK. Come down to a Catz bop for a few of these (discounted) magic potions. It will be worth the trek.

The Catz Juice is the more-chill, irty cousin of the Catz Tail. It’s the colour of an (overpriced) Tequila Sunrise and tastes just as delicious, without the bitter aftertaste of crippling debt. The drink is a dazzling combination of orange juice, lemonade, and a dash of grenadine.There’s the option to go alcohol- free,or to add a shot or two of vodka. It’s the perfect, sweet end to essay-riddled days, and before long, you’ll find yourself dreaming about its divine taste during your impromptu naps in the library. Catz freshers resorted to making these themselves over the vac, to cope with their intense sadness.

Despite not being unique to Catz, the White Russian deserves its own shoutout. A chic number made of kahlua, vodka, and milk, this drink is an adult-take on your childhood glass of milk before bed.

It contains the perfect ingredients for student-life: coffee liqueur provides an always-needed energy boost; vodka remedies your crushing despair; and the milk gives the illusion that you still lead a child’s carefree life.

It’s no wonder that certain broody freshers have bargained with the bartender to let this drink be named after themselves – on the condition that they drink 168 in a term (one for every day of the year). For those who don’t have the means to do the maths, that averages to three every night. Undeniably ambitious. We wish them luck on their endeavours.