Saturday 26th July 2025
Blog Page 825

The illusion of choice in the land of the free

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Dartmouth College is one of the oldest institutions of higher education on the North American Continent, nestled in the verdant New Hampshire countryside in a crook of the Connecticut River. The college was founded in 1769, originally intended as a cornerstone of a proselytising mission to convert the indigenous population of New England. The tiny town of Hanover, with a population of 12,000, is comprised of a single high street, and utterly defined by the college which grows like a vast carbuncle out of it.

I was lucky enough to spend my summer at Dartmouth, on an exchange programme run by my college. The teaching style was the biggest shock – as a Liberal Arts college, all students take three subjects every term, as widely ranging as History, Chemistry and Psychology. What’s more, there are no big final exams at the end of your degree, as every class is examined cumulatively every single term. However, the change that hit hardest was the food, which was utterly bizarre.

Initially, food at Dartmouth seemed like a sort of dream – an all-you-can-eat buffet all times of the day, a boutique bakery at the entrance of the library, a late night cafe with fried chicken and smoothie machines. All of this food could be eaten anywhere on campus, including inside the libraries, which took a novel Google Campus feel, with beanbags, sofas, whiteboards and, most strikingly, no silence policy.

The main dining area was called ‘Foco’, a shortening of food court, because its official title, ‘The Class of 1953 Commons’ doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. The dining hall was vast, with a dozen or so serving stations offering endless sustenance for wide-eyed undergraduates. The predominant theme was that everything was slightly too sweet, perhaps a reflection of American propensity for high-fructose corn syrup. My highlight was Sunday morning brunch, which featured scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, crisp back bacon, black coffee, and freshly squeezed orange juice. However, for every surprisingly nice plateful of food, there was also a disappointing one – unchewably tough beef, tongue-searingly salty chili, and vegetables consistently cooked to an unstructured mush.

Whilst Foco was hit-and-miss at best, King Arthur’s Flour, the boutique Vermont based bakery, offered an incredible start to every day. Over the summer I became addicted to their caesar salads, with crisp lettuce, tart, anchovy-rich sauce, and croutons which had a hint of garlic, and a faultless crunch without the sandy texture or excess oil that dooms many croutons to the culinary wayside. Equally, their cinnamon rolls balance delicately flakey pastry with thick icing – the lightness of the base avoiding the Cinnabon density that cinnamon rolls so often suffer from.

However, the really interesting thing about dining at Dartmouth is that your options are so limited. There are a handful of fairly expensive restaurants on the high street, and the supermarket has a rather narrow selection of produce available. This is at its most apparent when it comes to fresh fruit – one of the few places to buy fruit is the small on-campus mart, where I was able to find a pitiful punnet of raspberries for $7 – I’d expect to pay a pound at most for a similar container back home. This question of cost is one of the most important underpinning the Dartmouth dining experience – everybody on campus has to opt into the College Dining plan. The least expensive meal plan costs $1,400 a term. Due to limited kitchen facilities, there simply is nowhere else to eat, so this becomes unavoidable even if it wasn’t compulsory. It is a system that only rewards eating as much as possible, as everybody pays the same for access to the buffet dining hall – I can think of a lot of rugby players in Oxford that would love this system, but for the majority it only seems to lead to unnecessary waste, and unnecessary cost.

Dough we really need another pizza place?

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So, Oxford appears to have landed itself a brand new chain restaurant. Given both that I am a committed foodie, and that I consider Italian cheeses to stand above nearly any other food, I should find the arrival of Franco Manca on George Street an event of interest – perhaps even excitement. This being said, we Oxonians appear to be living at a tipping point over land use in the city centre. First, Wahoo departed. For a while, Cellar appeared to be on its way out. Upon finding out about the new restaurant, my response instead was one of trepidation. But, I opted to enter Franco Manca with an open mind, and let its food and atmosphere sway me instead.

The George Street restaurant is certainly doing a valiant job with the space given, but the shallow room was quickly overcrowded, and I found myself squeezed between a friend and a fire extinguisher, a little uncomfortable for most of the night. This said, I’m certain that on a less crowded evening the smaller restaurant size would cease to be a problem.

 

There was a heavy emphasis on wine on the evening we visited – the sommelier personally came to visit our table to dispense various bottles – and several were particularly highlighted as Sicilian. One of my favourites was described as a “sourdough wine”, perfectly complementing the sourdough garlic bread that we had as part of our starter. The dryness and slight sour hint of the wine accentuated the twice-fermented sourdough pizza and garlic bread, working very well together.

 

Curiously, our wine was also a perfect complement to the cured meat presented as part of the ‘Sharer Platter’, which had an unfortunately perfumed taste. All sins were atoned for when garlic bread and buffalo mozzarella arrived at our table, which was a triumph. And it wasn’t even the best dish we had. That honour instead falls to the Burrata Pugliese, a mozzarella filled with cream. This, combined with a pesto to complement the cream and curd of the cheese, left my taste buds sated. After a trip to Florence in the summer vacation, I’ve had a yearning for a decent buffalo mozzarella on this side of the channel – this cheese alone is worth a visit to Franco Manca. The vegans on our table were also satisfied by their combination of artichokes, asparagus and other grilled vegetables, although these did arrive noticeably later than their meat counterparts.

While the starters piqued my interest, in Franco Manca pizza is (naturally) the star of the show. A testament to their deliberate paring down of the menu, the limited selection of toppings ensured that the sourdough bread shone through our combinations of cheese, tomato sauce, herbs, and meats. If you can choose any topping, you will not be disappointed by the chorizo.

 

Rounding off came dessert – a tasting platter of a high performing Tiramisu, a rather bitter chocolate ice cream (which was in fact an asset, cutting through the sickliness of the other cakes), amongst other less memorable dishes. The lemon almond cake was decidedly average, for example.

 

At the end of the meal I found myself in two minds about the desirability of a restaurant like Franco Manca in Oxford. I should be careful not to be unfair – aside from a tight squeeze in the seating arrangements, the meal they served us was absolutely delightful. The wine, cheese, and sourdough bread could not be faulted, and the service was cheerful. The restaurant made an effort to present an enjoyable evening, and for this it cannot be marked down.

 

But we do not exist in a vacuum, and a review of a chain restaurant must be accompanied by a frank look at the context in which it is placed. In Oxford there are already several popular and high performing pizza places, serving the city centre (one doesn’t even have to look beyond George Street!) and further afield alike. While Franco Manca performs well above my experience with pizza in Jamie’s Italian, for example, I can’t help but wonder if Oxford would not be better served by something a little more unique.

‘Random’ review – ‘Nuanced and fresh’

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Entering the Burton Taylor Studio to be greeted by Francesca Amewudah-Rivers slumped on a stark white chair against a backdrop of family pictures, it becomes clear that John Livesey’s adaptation of Debbie Tucker Green’s Random is not your typical Oxford Am-Dram production. Staging a one-woman play that tackles the sensitive yet urgent topic of knife crime, alongside a landscape of race, gender, and familial relationships, is certainly ambitious. However, the astuteness of every cast and crew member makes the production a sleekly emotional triumph.

There are very few plays that could sustain such an electric connection with the audience for fifty minutes without interval. Gazelle Mba’s minimalistic set design forms an intelligently understated symbol for the construction and destruction of family life. The addition of a microphone to the set after the crux of the plot transforms the speech of the sister into a court testimony, unsettling any previous domestic warmth. As Amewudah-Rivers entangles herself in the cord of this stark prop, she wraps herself in the memory of all those affected by the social uncertainty that warrants the line, ‘Death used to be for the old’. Furthermore, the precision of the lighting orchestrated by Linette Chan plays an integral role in separating both the multiple characters, and the time scale of the play, so that fifty minutes becomes a series of days.

Amewudah-Rivers’ acting is nuanced and fresh. Her performance is peppered with perfect comic timing in the first half of the play, an impressive feat considering Random’s emotional depth. Her portrayal of grief, heartbreak, and the dissolution of family roles are professional and clean. Not one word of Tucker Green’s script is wasted. The immense challenge of flipping between the characters of mother, sister, father, and brother could have easily descended into disorientation if approached by a less capable performer, but the standing ovation on the opening night is testament to her talent. The sharpness of the distinction between characters is achieved through an intoxicating blend of vocal contortion, Chan’s fluidity of lighting, and Mba’s raw set design.

Particularly extraordinary, however, is Amewudah-Rivers’ physicality. As she walks across the stage, so do we as an audience traipse to school, to work, to the butcher. The stooped back of the mother reflects a life defined by working hard and giving love, just as the military posture of the father gives gravity to the stock character of the man as the head of the house. The realignment of family positions in the aftermath of the death of a son was questioned through this physical characterisation. Amewudah-Rivers’ command meant there was not a single area of the stage that escaped becoming complicit in the performance. It would be a further challenge to her ability (and immensely intriguing if nothing else) to see the production transposed into a bigger space. The power and vulnerability her presence can evoke indicates that the intimacy required of Random would not be lost, and the impact of the play, with the chilling line “It’s already way too late,” would potentially resonate further.

With just one cast member, no intervals, and an intimate performance space, every element of Random has to flow, to avoid a staccato sense that would detract from the impact Tucker Green intended for her words. The seamless harmony between the direction, production, set design, lighting, and acting goes further than this – the script is elevated so that even as we understand it to be fiction, we cannot escape the wider context of the reality of random violence in an uncertain world.

Former Union president and Tory MP candidate accused of sexual assault

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A former Union president and Scottish Conservative parliamentary candidate has been accused of sexually assaulting another student while at Oxford.

Stuart Cullen, who denies the allegations, has now been suspended from the party, “subject to further inquiry”. Cullen, who studied at Christ Church between 2008-2011, was accused of sexual assault in an Instagram post as part of the #MeToo movement.

Cullen was Union president in Hilary 2010 and was the Scottish Conservative candidate for Glasgow North in this year’s general election. The Scottish Conservatives have suspended Cullen “with immediate effect” and have launched an inquiry following the allegations.

The alleged victim, who has asked not to be named, claimed that Cullen sexually assaulted her whilst she was in her first term at the University.

According to the woman, at the time she “was 18, naive, less than a term into university, and lacking in a robust support network”. Despite saying it was a “difficult post to write”, she was inspired to come forward after increased media coverage of sexual violence in Westminster.

Cullen’s lawyers have said he denies the allegations, which he considers to be false and defamatory.

In her post, she said: “I never reported him, even after he sent me a message a day or so later saying he should have been ‘kicked out of college for what I [he] did’.”

She went on to say: “I didn’t call bullshit at the time but I do now, partly because he’ll probably be given a safe seat to run for in the next election. #MeToo”

The #MeToo hashtag spread on social media in response to the Harvey Weinstein scandal last month. The hashtag has been tweeted more than half a million times and is used
by victims of sexual assault and harassment to indicate the extent of the problem of sexual violence.

In response to the allegations, a spokesperson for the Scottish Conservatives said: “We take allegations like these extremely seriously. Mr Cullen has been suspended with
immediate effect, subject to further inquiry.

“We would encourage anyone to report such allegations to the police.”

Don accused of rape to continue teaching

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Students at the Oxford Middle East Centre have reacted in anger to the University’s response to the mounting accusations of rape against Islamic professor Tariq Ramadan,
accusing senior figures of acting “as if nothing had happened”.

Ramadan is currently being investigated by French authorities over two allegations of rape, sexual assault, violence and harassment. Ramadan has described the allegations as a “campaign of lies” and said he is suing the alleged victims for “slander”.

Since the first allegation of rape surfaced two weeks ago, the professor has reportedly taught a seminar in Oxford and been seen “laughing” with faculty members.

In response to requests from students, senior figures in the faculty held a meeting on Tuesday “to address implications for student welfare arising from the allegations”.
The faculty told students they intend Ramadan to continue to both tutor and supervise on his return to Oxford from Qatar – although students may ask for another faculty member to be in the room if they wish.

At the meeting, held at St Antony’s College, several students expressed anger at the “lack of communication” from the University, claiming they had heard of the allegations by “word of mouth” without any acknowledgement from the department.

Director of the Middle East Centre Eugene Rogan repeatedly apologised to students for taking ten days to respond to the allegations, blaming the delay on the fact that the controversy was happening in another country with a different legal system.

Rogan reminded students: “It’s not just about sexual violence. For some students it’s just another way for Europeans to gang up against a prominent Muslim intellectual. We must protect Muslim students who believe and trust in him, and protect that trust.”

Many staff members encouraged those present not to speak to the media about the furore. Professor Rogan told students: “We can’t tell you what you should say. But I encourage everyone to use their moral judgement about how they voice their concerns – not to victimise the women who’ve made the allegations or the men who’ve been accused of
things they’ve not yet had the chance to defend themselves against.”

One postgrad said: “There should have been a more open and frank discussion with female students about how to make them feel safer,” she said. “Women won’t come forward here and say how they feel.”

A number of students expressed concern about Ramadan continuing to teach and be present in the faculty. One claimed that immediately following the first allegation, Ramadan was seen “walking and laughing in the hall as if nothing had happened.”

Head of humanities Karen O’Brien told students that Ramadan is still a supervisor, but his doctoral supervisees could have individual discussions about how they would like their supervisions to proceed.

She stressed that their priority was that the students’ education could continue uninterrupted, adding:“The situation will be kept under review. We can’t prejudge outcomes.”

A Middle East student told Cherwell: “Frankly, I’m shocked by how badly the University has dealt with this incident. While Professor Ramadan must be assumed innocent until proven guilty, this does not excuse the absolute lack of communication between the Middle East Centre and affected students.

“This story broke two weeks ago. At very least, we should have received an email [from the faculty].

“Also disappointing is how Professor Ramadan was allowed to teach MPhil students as usual last week, despite these serious allegations having been made.”

In a statement to Cherwell, Eugene Rogan said: “Tuesday’s meeting was focused on addressing student welfare issues emerging from the allegations against professor
Ramadan, to ensure the Faculty responded to student concerns as we move forward.”

He added: “The Faculty has been in contact with all of Professor Ramadan’s supervisees to arrange meetings to discuss their concerns and wishes.

“The University acts to ensure that its welfare services and support systems are readily accessible; its harassment and sexual assault reporting systems are confidential, totally supportive and clearly understood. We have arrangements in place for confidential discussion of individual anxieties and for any questions related to immediate personal safety, and graduate student supervisory arrangements will always be responsive to the concerns of the student.”

Police break up Oxford SU pro-choice protest

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Oxford SU has been accused of attacking students’ freedom of speech after demonstrators disrupted a talk held by controversial group Oxford Students For Life (OSFL) at St John’s
on Wednesday.

Police were called to escort pro-choice campaigners from the college after they prevented the start of the OSFL talk for almost an hour through chants and heckling. This followed earlier failed attempts by private security and college porters to move the event into another room.

The move has sparked accusations from demonstrators led by Oxford SU’s WomCam that St John’s actions were “a clear attempt to intimidate protesters” who had entered the
event “peacefully”.

In a statement they insisted they were “not protesting OSFL or their speakers’ right to free speech” but were instead “demonstrating that the speakers’ views deny millions of people bodily autonomy, that subject them to forced pregnancy, resulting in cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment, and sometimes death”.

OSFL members rejected this account however, describing the protest as “a deliberate attempt to shut down discussion and dialogue through harassment and bullying”. Allegedly, pro-choice campaigners chanted from a prepared ‘chant sheet’ that included the lines “pro-
life, that’s a lie, you don’t care if women die”.

The heckling started almost immediately after the first speaker, Irish Times correspondent Breda O’Brien, began to talk. Around 15 students stood and began to chant continuously until O’Brien was forced to stop.

OSFL co-president Anna Branford said: “One minute into her presentation, a group of approximately fifteen protesters from the Oxford SU’s WomCam stood up and chanted
slogans to shout down Breda and prevent her from being heard.

“It was impossible for the committee or security to engage in any meaningful manner with the protestors. This continued for approximately 40 minutes: protesters shouted, jeered, stood in front of the projector and chanted.”

Matthew Kirtley, a student who attended the talk, told Cherwell: “The protesters banged on windows, placed themselves in front of the projector, and impeded access by guests to enter and leave the event by both taking up space and by obstructing the entrances and exits.

“They also strongly intimidated many people, who chose to leave rather than be subjected to some very mean-spirited chants.

Any attempt to claim or imply that this protest was peaceful is false. It was predicated upon intimidation and obstruction.”

In a statement provided to Cherwell, WomCam clarifed their position. They said: “Bodily autonomy is not up for debate; it is not a question of opinion. Access to healthcare is a basic human right.

“We will continue fighting until all people have access to free, safe and legal abortion in Ireland, and everywhere.”

In a statement published in response to the comments made by Oxford SU, OSFL said: “With their latest statement, WomCam have decided to double down on their attack on free speech, while claiming that they are doing no such thing.”

They added that they had “received legal advice that WomCam were breaking the law precisely because they were denying our freedom of speech.”

The furore comes as Ireland looks ahead to a national referendum on the legalisation of abortion that is set to take place next year.

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar announced the poll in September, stating that Irish citizens would
be given the chance to vote on the abolition of the eighth amendment to the constitution, which gives a fetus and its mother an equal right to life.

Thousands of Irish women every year travel to the United Kingdom in order to escape some of the most restrictive abortion laws in the world. In 2016 the UN ruled that Irish abortion law subjugated women to “cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment”.

Revd. Professor William Whythe insisted that St John’s was “committed to protecting the freedom of speech at meetings within the College and the freedom to make
peaceful protest”.

He added: “neither speakers nor listeners should have any reasonable grounds to feel intimidated or censored”.

In a statement Thames Valley Police told Cherwell: “Thames Valley Police was called at 8.22pm last night… about a protest at St John’s College, St Giles, Oxford.

“Further investigation found that the protest was planned and arranged with the university. At 9.03pm all protesters had left the area.”

‘Death and the Maiden’ – ‘Intimately, excruciatingly personal’

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Not all plays come across well on the page, but from the first time I read it I have found Ariel Dorfman’s Death and the Maiden electrifying. Dorfman’s play asks the difficult questions about what happens, what should happen, and what could happen otherwise, in the wake of revolution. With its cast of three and single location until the final scene, it renders these broad questions stifingly, claustrophobically personal, and I would love one day to feel the full effects of this in a staged performance.

Dorfman shows us the slower, limited, bureaucratic side of revolution, the story grounded inescapably in time and place. The play is set in an unnamed South American country, closely based on Chile, in the wake of a revolution that has replaced a totalitarian regime with a fledgling democracy.

The characters each speak to more than a single person’s experience: from Paulina, who saved lives during the regime by smuggling people out of the country, and was caught, tortured and raped; to her husband Gerardo, who did the same but wasn’t caught, and now works for the new government; to Roberto, a newcomer whom Paulina identifies as her torturer. These characters form a powerful kind of synecdoche throughout the play for the conflicts and uncomfortable coexistences that are being played out throughout the nation. This is not to say that they are allegories, and indeed it is their specific, personal experiences that are foregrounded: they are representatives of wider groups, not representations of something other than themselves.

We see in rawly individual ways how the rhetoric of compromise – arguably crucial in saving the young democracy from the lurking threat of the disempowered old order – becomes oppressive. As Paulina declares, acknowledging the shared nature of her experience with a plural pronoun, ‘We’re going to suffocate from so much equanimity.’

Gerardo, heading a commission to investigate the crimes of the old regime, explains that ‘the commission is not supposed to identify the authors of crimes.’ Running scared, he places the healing of the nation as an abstract whole and political entity before that of individual victims (including his wife) without a second thought, accepting on their behalf that they will never receive justice. We see this dynamic patterned throughout, as he continually makes decisions that affect Paulina without consulting her, such as taking on the commission, and inviting Roberto to stay the night at their house, insisting, ‘Paulina will be delighted.’ He tells her, ‘You’re still a prisoner, you stayed there behind with them, locked in that basement,’ using her trauma as evidence of her irrationality, and therefore his mandate, as the ‘rational’ one, to make decisions for the both of them. He treats her trauma as a sign of the need for her to ‘move on’ (by accepting that she will never receive justice), rather than as a real problem that this new society should be addressing.

The way in which Dorfman builds this dynamic, and then introduces Roberto as a catalyst for the explosion of tensions between the couple, must be incredible to watch played out on stage. The cracks in Gerardo’s self-image as the embodiment of moderation and fairness begin to show, as Paulina points out the inherent injustice of his tiptoeing adherence to due process: ‘And why does it always have to be people like me who have to sacrifice, why are we always the ones to make concessions?’

This, truly, is the problem that drives the play. In its desire for self preservation, the new government fails to use its institutions to protect and support its citizens. In Death and the Maiden we watch the pursuit of vengeance, but only because the pursuit of justice is rendered impossible. Through its confinement to the intimately, excruciatingly personal, Death and the Maiden plays out with chilling clarity the implications of the political, particularly in terms of what comes next after revolution.

Three Alternatives to Popcorn

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ChocoLOTS

The varieties are endless: the most appropriate of consumables if classics like Chocolat or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are on your viewing agenda. Smaller nibbles and sharing bags are often the way to go: Maltesers, Minstrels, and M&Ms tend to be the most popular options. Life can often seem like a box of chocolates: particularly if you choose Revels, as you really never know what you’re gonna get.

Grapes

In defence of this fruity option, grapes provide a source of both nutrition and the optimal sweet and crunchy balance! Clean up your diet after a classic post-club Hassan’s; a movie marathon with a punnet of seedless in hand is sure to be the perfect hangover cure. Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath pairs pretty aptly with this munchable, although a slightly more light-hearted and fool-proof option might be The Breakfast Club.

Chips and Dip

A combo as iconic as Netflix and chill, the beauty in this snacking option is its versatility. Opt for the humble tortilla chip with an accompaniment of salsa, or if you’re feeling decadent, splurge on a packet of Popchips, but don’t forget to grab some guac and hummus to pair. If you’re in the mood for something sweeter maybe give Oreos and peanut butter a go, it’s perfect when watching The Parent Trap. Lindsey Lohan would be proud.

In search of originality? Retreat into cinema’s monochrome past

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It is a truth universally acknowledged that commercial filmmaking has recently entered a new phase of life. Countless articles and blogs bemoan the lack of ‘original’ content coming out of the Hollywood machine. It can be frustrating to feel that there are nothing but high-octane action movies and live-action Disney remakes in the cinema. I find that the lack of interesting films on release increasingly makes me want to look back, to examine what earlier filmmakers did.

The limitations of black-and white photography lend themselves to experimentation in lighting, angles and makeup. The concerns of films from the silver era, while sometimes unsubtle by today’s standards, are surprisingly diverse. And of course, having railed against the remake-heavy culture of Hollywood today, I am going to write about a remake: George Cukor’s Gaslight (1944). Boy meets girl. Boy and girl marry. Boy convinces girl that she’s going insane for shady ulterior motives.

In Gaslight Ingrid Bergman’s Paula loses her autonomy, her dignity, and finally her sense of self, as her whirlwind courtship with Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer) takes a horrifying turn for the nightmarish. The original play gave rise to the term ‘gaslighting’, which is still used today. And the emotional and physical terrors that Gaslight documents are terrifyingly familiar. Gaslight is painfully tense. Paula’s sudden movements from frenetic delight to sobbing despair are intensely unsettling. Anton’s powers of suggestion are supreme: he dangles possibilities in front of his wife’s eyes, never quite articulating his suggestions. He whips her into a frenzy of uncertainty that nearly succeeds in breaking her grip on reality.

Part of why Gaslight is so disturbing is that it inverts Hollywood tropes that we all buy into on some level. Anton and Paula’s whirlwind courtship could, in another film, be deeply romantic. We don’t object to the idea of love at first sight, even though it exists only in fiction. Only recently has Disney begun to question its validity: “You can’t marry a man you just met,” says Frozen’s Anna to her sister. Gaslight portrayed the danger of doing just that, 70 years earlier; Paula’s recklessly blind belief in her husband is built on a foundation of ‘trust’, a touchstone of the modern romantic-comedy.

Nonetheless, there is hope to be found. George Cukor, known as a ‘woman’s director’, approaches the story from Paula’s perspective. We rarely see her husband alone, and his designs are obscure until the end. The plot threatens to make Paula simply a passive recipient of abuse, yet in the film’s climactic scene it is she who holds the power to save or damn her husband. Of course Gaslight is in parts corny. The fights are old-fashioned and some of the drama is heavy-handed. Yet overall it is strikingly chilling. Joseph Ruttenberg’s cinematography, which constantly returns to that image of the hanging lamp slowly dimming, is full of dread. It is an exaggerated version of life, a gothic exploration of the way we trust those we love, and what happens when that trust is abused.

Confessions of a Drama Queen: A Change of Career

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Well, on the one hand my review didn’t exactly go down brilliantly.

But on the other hand, this has been a very controversial week for student journalism all round, so hopefully nobody noticed.

It didn’t start well. First of all, I couldn’t find the theatre – I mean, why call it the Keble O’Reilly if the entrance isn’t actually at the Keble lodge? – and then, when I did find it, half-way through, I seemed to be watching completely the wrong play.

I had been expecting to review Aeschylus’s Oristeia (directed by the bitch from last week) so imagine my surprise to find it was the Oralstya instead, an erotic ballet about the relationship between Clytenmnestra and Orestes, with incest personified by an interpretive dance to ABBA’s ‘Does Your Mother Know?’

I couldn’t use any of the pre-made insults I’d come up with, (‘the only way to describe it was tragic“‘, ‘Clytemnestra was more wooden than the Trojan horse’, ‘save your money and don’t make an Aeschy-loss’). So I had to come up with a completely new review in less than ten minutes, as I had forgotten my deadline, and spent most of the evening watching Gossip Girl. Consequently, I did what any self-respecting reviewer would do and copied and pasted a template off the internet and changed the adjectives.

I have to say, I thought the stage editor was quite unreasonable. Even though I’d only used it five times in a 300-word review, I was told off for over-using ‘heinous’ as my adjective of choice, and apparently the title I had suggested (‘Orestes’ Heinous Anus’) wasn’t witty, and just read like shit journalism and fake news. As a result, it has been suggested that perhaps I should write for Cherwell instead.

I have decided to give stage reviewing one last try, and then perhaps try out pole dancing.