Friday, April 25, 2025
Blog Page 957

Scientists with their heads in the clouds

Many people are familiar with the use of blue sky thinking in the business world but fewer are aware of the notion of blue sky science, a free-thinking style of research which, although lacking a defined goal, can lead to great technological advances. Stem cell therapies, the world-wide-web and DNA sequencing are all by-products of this no-holds-barred method of scientific inquiry.

Since senior-ranking scientists are free to choose their own research projects, you might wonder why any scientist would choose to pursue anything other than blue skies research. Unfortunately for the research scientist, many scientific endeavours require large sums of money. The Higgs boson, for instance, cost over £10 billion to discover. Generally only governments or corporations can provide this level of financing, and here we have a problem.

Blue sky science’s goal is simply to further human knowledge, not to provide technology or health benefits. Sure, it often spawns fantastic benefits for mankind, but this is by no means guaranteed. It’s often impossible to know if a particular line of enquiry will change the way we live our lives or whether all it will change is textbooks.

As a consequence of this, blue sky research groups often fail to garner commercial interest. Large corporations want payoffs for their investments and there’s far too much risk involved with this style of research. Similarly, public perception of this research can be poor, making governments and charities reluctant to provide funding. Many people are of the opinion that scientists have an obligation to concentrate their efforts on providing for the human race, helping us live longer and improving our quality of life. There is little desire in the public mind to pour money into abstract endeavours that are not certain to provide tangible benefits.

Perhaps we must remind ourselves that science does not exist to make us live longer. Nor does it exist to make our lives more comfortable. These are merely side-effects of our propensity to question everything. Human beings study science because they want to understand the world. We shouldn’t need to justify blue sky research with promises of serendipitous inventions or miracle cures. Some of the biggest questions we can ask as a species are only answered by investing in our greatest scientists and allowing them to have free reign on the frontiers of human knowledge. Blue sky science should be able to stand proud as a respected and important human endeavour, and it is vital that we protect it.

Wednesday Weltanschauung: Anti-Speciesism

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Over the past century, humans have come far in fighting discrimination, whether in the movement for civil rights or female suffrage. These battles aren’t won, but they give us reason to be optimistic that we are making moral progress. But there are further prejudices that need to be challenged. One thing racism and sexism have in common is that they discriminate based on morally irrelevant information: the colour of one’s skin or one’s gender. In this piece, I argue in favour of rejecting another form of discrimination which is based on similarly irrelevant information, namely, species membership.

What is Speciesism?

Speciesism is discrimination based solely on species membership. That’s not to say anti-speciesists should ignore differences between different species, just that membership of a particular species doesn’t automatically give one individual a higher or lower moral status than any other. For instance, we wouldn’t want to treat a potato and a human equally. But that’s not because the potato is of a “lesser” species. Anti-speciesism means treating equal interests of all individuals equally. Since potatoes don’t have interests, we needn’t treat them as equals to humans. And whilst a pig doesn’t have an interest in voting in an election (so it would not be wrong to deny one a vote), she does have an interest in not being harmed, just as much as a dog does. Yet we often find ourselves cuddling one whilst eating the other.

The implications of anti-speciesism

Many animals are sentient: having the capacity for subjective experience. This means they are able to suffer and have interests in not suffering. However, each year, 70 billion land animals and over a trillion fish are killed for human consumption. And these animals often live lives of extreme suffering – two thirds of them are reared on factory farms. Many animals live in pens so cramped they do not have enough space to turn around, others die from diseases encouraged by squalid conditions, none are capable of carrying out their natural behaviours. Broiler chickens, bred selectively for fast weight, grow so fast that many are unable to support themselves. With their legs crushed they are left unable to stand; and a slow death due to starvation follows. The life of each factory farmed animal presents a similar horror story.

Therefore the crucial question has to be: do human interests in consuming animal-based products outweigh the farmed animals’ interests in not suffering? Considering these animals are often literally tortured in order to give us a comparatively small amount of pleasure, and seeing as a balanced plant-based diet is perfectly healthy (according to the NHS, as well as many other organisations), the anti-speciesist’s response is a definitive “no”. Anti-speciesism implies ending factory farming, and hence, moving towards a plant-based diet.

Some words on intelligence

Often, as justification for our speciesist views we cite our intelligence. We admit suffering on factory farms is bad, but claim that as we’re more intelligent, our interests are more important, so they outweigh those of other animals.

Whilst intelligence is of some relevance to this discussion, it is far from the whole story. In order to have some interests, a high level of intelligence is required, such as an interest in freedom of speech. But that doesn’t mean our interests are necessarily stronger than those of less intelligent animals and that we can neglect all interests of other animals. We just have a broader range of interests. Certainly we would not dream of treating newborn and severely mentally disabled humans the same way we treat animals on factory farms.

Working towards an anti-speciesist world

To live in an anti-speciesist world, we’ve noted that easy steps individuals can take include adopting a plant-based diet. But we can do more than that: we should think carefully about how to use our limited resources to help as many animals as we can. Animal Charity Evaluators estimates that their recommended charities save as many as 11,000 animals per $1000 donated, whereas a vegetarian diet saves roughly 400 animals a year, implying we should be generous with our donations as well as with our diet.

Ultimately, anti-speciesism comes down to equality, treating equal interests equally. And who can argue with that? If we are to continue along the path of moral progress, speciesism must be left behind.

Don’t dread the dread: art and imitation

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Last year it was Valentino’s collection which was inspired by “wild Africa”, now Marc Jacob’s use of dreadlocks. Wikipedia defines cultural appropriation as “the adoption or use of elements of one culture by members of another.” Some call this cultural appropriation; I would just call it culture. The adaptation of new and different ideas is precisely what drives culture forward.

Tchaikovsky’s immortal Nutcracker, in which the Russian composer included stereotypically Chinese and Arab sounding motifs, Isaac Mizrahi’s Native American inspired Fall 1991 collection and at least half of Mozart’s operas including The Magic Flute could qualify as culturally appropriative. Everything, if you trace it back far enough, has crossed cultural borders at one time or another. The best artists of all kinds draw on a variety of cultures and ideas—that is what makes their art powerful. No one “owns” any story or music or hairstyle. From whom, precisely, are artists supposed to ask permission before being inspired by a culture to which they do not belong? Later this month, there will be a discussion at Barnard College in New York about whether or not Yoga and Zumba are permissible under the new strictures of cultural appropriation.

By the same logic I suspect that the Greek Society at Barnard will soon lodge a protest against the school allowing non-Greek students to participate in track & field athletic events as, after all, this constitutes cultural appropriation from the originally Greek Olympic Games.

Students at Oberlin have actually protested the presence of sushi in the dining hall, as it is prepared by white chefs and is hence insensitive. Imagine not being able to eat any food but that traditionally prepared by your own ethnic group. Imagine not being able to write anything from a perspective other than your own. Imagine not being able to exercise in whatever manner you please.

Imagine a world without Shakespeare, Picasso, Mozart, Mark Twain, or James Baldwin. This is the type of world denigrators of cultural appropriation are driving us to. It is not one I ever wish to enter.

Are corsets really sexist?

Kate Asquith:

When you think of corsets, you picture Disney princesses and Victorian ball gowns, not sweaty Kardashian sisters doing lunges in a waist trainer. However, just because the style in which wearing a corset has changed, it does not mean that the reason behind it is in any way less concerned with conforming to an aesthetic silhouette than it was when made of whale bones and cording. Medical corsets are perhaps the only exception to this rule—and “rule” is not actually an inaccurate word to use when describing the trend for corsetting. In the most literal sense, the corset emerged during the 1550s when Catherine de Medici banned thick waists in the court of her husband, King Henry II of France. The idea of suffering for beauty is epitomised by a garment that dominated centuries’ worth of fashion, and damaged centuries’ worth of bodies.

The idea of “waist training” has only recently propelled it into the public consciousness through minor celebrity endorsement, but the health issues are horrifyingly similar to those experienced by women over a century ago. The tightness often means that a woman can only breathe from the top of her lungs, causing the bottom of them to fill with mucus, or forcing the wearer to take shallow breaths which results in lack of oxygen and possible loss of consciousness. The pressure on the stomach also causes indigestion and constipation, with the internal organs squished together so they are unable to function properly. This, according to Dr. Majid Ali, if severe and untreated, can be fatal. The psychological effects are just as profound, “waist training can serve as a constant reminder of your present shape” says Dr Galyna Selezneva, highlighting the difference in appearance with and without the corset, which ultimately aids mental health problems like depression, anxiety and eating disorders to develop.

While I believe a person should be free to wear what they wish, those who claim that corsets are feminist often confuse personal freedom with social standardisation. Essentially, wear them because they make you feel good, not because a narrow waist is the result of narrow-mindedness. Other-wise, you are disregarding consistent and historical oppression. You are supporting the sexism of a garment that, if worn by a woman is considered “sexy”, but if worn by a man is seen as “kinky”. This is a garment that was actively used to perpetuate classism since only the richest women could afford the servants to help tie up the heavily-laced bodices. A garment that is just as destructive as skull-shaping or foot-binding but because it evolved in Western society is not considered barbaric. Ironically, every time a corset was seen on the fall catwalks, it was worn by someone whose waist was already 24 inches, and so was already non-representative of the average woman.

 

Catrin Haberfield:

Sweaty Kardashians have as much right to wear a corset as Disney princesses. You can’t deny the impact the media has had on attitudes towards body image. You could say that this conditions girls from a young age to aspire to these goals—but that doesn’t mean that corsetry in itself is damaging. If anything, wearing a corset could be seen as a feminist statement. Far from making someone feel insecure and hyper-aware of their figure, they can instead off er a dose of confidence, whether for everyday life or special occasions.

By suggesting that there’s something inherently sexist about someone wearing a corset, you’re taking away the fact that it’s a woman’s choice to wear what she wants. Think of the “Slut Walks” that have appeared over recent years; it’s never someone else’s place to judge what you wear, or to say you were “asking for it”. In any case, corsets occupy a liminal space as a simultaneous representation of restriction and sexuality, meaning that no matter who you ask, everyone’s opinion will be different. But if any form of shapewear makes you feel great, then go for it. Besides, being a fan of corsets doesn’t mean that you have to prove it by going out in public wearing nothing but lingerie!

Different aspects of corsetry have made their way into fashion over the years—from bustiers to the current trend for lace-up tops. Whether it’s underneath a dress for formals or balls, or integrated into a cosplay outfit, as long as you’re comfortable and doing it for yourself, I don’t see anything wrong with wearing corsets.

However, there are limits. Chaise loungues were known as “fainting couches” in the 1800’s for a reason, and like anything there’s a balance to find. Surprisingly though, corsets do come with a variety of physical benefits. For those with a larger chest overbust corsets provide support from beneath rather than hanging three kilograms from your neck and shoulders. They’ve been proven to alleviate back pain and migraines, as well as improve posture. Ultimately, I think we both agree that when it comes to corsetry in particular, personal motives are infinitely more important than anyone else’s opinion.

Lessons from the World of Sport

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A long summer away from Oxford has overseen a wealth of sporting stories grabbing the front and back page headlines. Cherwell looks at the lessons Oxford students can draw from the sporting tales beyond our university.

Enjoy it while it lasts:

Sam Allardyce’s ill-fated tenure as England manager and his demise come with a whole host of morals. Firstly, his time in charge lasted a little over 9 weeks, the time between arrival at the beginning of fresher’s week and that relieved departure at the end of term. Oxford terms can be the pinnacle of our social and educative lives so far, as the national managerial role was to Allardyce – a goal he had been working towards for years – and the former England boss helpfully teaches us to appreciate the short but intense time we have here

Drop the excuses:

Not satisfied with only one lesson, Cherwell pairs Allardyce up with the Russian Olympic and Paralympic teams for an excellent, and highly relatable, teaching on excuses. Many students can imagine that daunting feeling of looking over a reading list, or a worksheet, filling up with a sense of dread that the work is too hard, or too long, or too complicated. We understand. If once in a while, a student may slip up, and arrive to their tutorial or seminar with work uncompleted or missing that little piece of understanding that the tutor is going to spot there are two choices ahead. There’s the Allardyce route, and the sensible route.

One can either admit wrongdoing and pledge to improve, or one can blame entrapment, claim the honourable intention of helping out a friend, or in the case of Russia, deny any part in the wrongdoing (and I suppose, in this loose metaphor, act as if you were fairly certain the worksheet had been completed and you cannot understand why it appears blank). The bottom line is that no one is gaining respect for transparent excuses, especially when they are not going to change any outcome.

The land of last minute work:

Sticking with the Olympic theme, Cherwell sees an opportunity to learn from the Rio Paralympic Games organisers. Having effectively admitted to putting the Paralympics on hold while they first try and sort out the Olympics, before failing to pay a number of national Paralympic committees on time (risking their ability to attend the games), and failing to sell tickets on schedule, the Paralympics did eventually go ahead without too much difficulty. Though a thoroughly enjoyable and impressive games it was when it came down to the sport, it was also plainly obvious to all observers that Rio had not exactly produced a blockbuster planned and executed perfectly far in advance. The last-minute job is a common strategy amongst students far and wide, with Oxford being no exception, but Rio has perhaps taught us that a little caution and care does not go amiss.

Know when you’ve had enough:

Moving on from the academic side of things, at least for a moment, and one can learn from the acts of Pat Hickey who was involved in a ticket touting scandal despite being the head of the Olympic Committee of Ireland. It is hard to understand his motivation, just as it is with Allardyce who’s £3,000,000 a year job was lost over a potential £400,000 (and who seems to be in for a rough time in this article). Just as Allardyce and Hickey should have been satisfied and known their limits, so too many freshers, and indeed older students, sometimes need to learn the benefits of moderation when it comes to some of the favourite pastimes of students.

No one is indispensable:

Turning to the shores of the US, one could observe over the summer the long, drawn out saga of deflategate. Tom Brady faced suspension for a quarter of the regular NFL season, and lost his final appeal. The New England Patriots were forced to turn to backup quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo, a 2014 second round draft pick, but he lasted less than one and a half games, to be replaced by his backup, 2016 third round draft pick Jacoby Brissett. Of course, the Patriots hardly stuttered anyway, with fears of a 1-3 or 2-2 start dismantled with ease. The moral of the story, even if you are considered one of the greatest of all time, or in the case of some Oxford students, consider yourself a seriously big deal, remember that you probably are not as indispensable as you may think.

Sometimes it’s a team game:

This summer, and this new season of sport, have demonstrated – just as last season – that the underdog can prosper. Leicester stunned all to win the Premier League last year at the overly repeated odds of 5000 to 1. However, keen to ensure that the fairytale does not end quite yet, the foxes have gone on to win their first two Champions League matches against Club Brugge and Porto, scoring four and keeping two clean sheets in the process. It may not have been the giants of Barcelona or Real Madrid that they were drawn against, but if Club Brugge’s fans can fail to fill the stadium because Leicester were not perceived to be a big enough side, then Leicester still deserve the underdog badge.

Similarly, and to the dismay of England fans far and wide, Iceland upset the odds to make it through to the quarter-finals in what was their first major championship, in a competition that also saw Wales compete in the semi-finals against eventual winners Portugal. Though Wales is a team perhaps built around one or two key individuals, a description that could equally be attributed to Leicester, the successes of these underdogs are all underlined by a brilliant desire to put the team over individual performances, glories or statistics.

Oxford may seem like a competitive environment where it is everyone for themselves, but as many tutors are keen to point out, we could all get the top grades if we wanted. Perhaps more realistically, we can all help each other make it through the weekly tutorials and essays to ease our burdens together rather than struggle apart. If only England had learnt well before its summer of ignominy.

It really is a marathon, not a sprint:

Just a couple of weeks before the start of term, in Mexico, the Brownlee brothers produced a wonderful sporting story that even earned a reference from Theresa May in her party conference speech. In the final race of the Triathlon World Series, with Jonny Brownlee requiring victory to clinch the overall title, the Briton was leading comfortably with 700m to go when, exhausted, he began to weave across the road, stumble, lose pace, and get caught up by the runners tussling for second and third. Fortunately for him, in third place was brother Alistair, who caught his brother, carried him to the finish line and then ensured that Jonny was pushed over the line before his younger sibling and into second place. May would like to focus on the comradery, the notion that we succeed or fail together. Rather, Cherwell would like to focus on the aiding brother’s post-race interview, when he simply stated “I wish the flippin’ idiot had paced it right and crossed the finish line first”. Ultimately, Alistair and Jonny could not really have succeeded together, because Jonny was in the running for the title and Alistair was not. Instead, Jonny could have succeeded if only he had not burned himself out so quickly, and, as his brother helpfully stated “jogged the last two kilometres and won the race”. Oxford terms might be intense, and relatively short compared to other universities, but it does not feel that short when the fifth week struggles permeate around the campus.

From all these helpful athletes and team, whether successful or foolish, students here in Oxford can learn and improve a great deal.
Here ends Cherwell’s lessons.

The Dangers of Sport

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The tragic tale of Mike Towell rocked the sporting news for the past couple of weeks. Towell suffered swelling to his brain and bleeding in his British title eliminator in Glasgow, and died, having “fought right to the end”, according to a statement from his partner.

Unfortunately, Towell’s story is not alone, rare as it may be, and should make the sporting world turn in on itself and question exactly what it is inspiring when it proudly announces increasing numbers of participants, motivating stories from underdogs, gracious champions, the most sportsmanlike conduct imaginable and the like.

The benefits of sport are often obvious. There is, of course, a health aspect in a world were the most developed countries are facing increasing health risks surrounding poor eating and exercise habits. Then, naturally, there are the often feted values that sport can teach young people in a way that little else can. One of my personal favourites I recall from an interview with Irish rugby legend Paul O’Connell, that in rugby sometimes you know someone else is going to be the hero, but you have to work hard and make your sacrifices to allow them to be that hero. There are more generalised values too; the plight of the underdog and never giving up has been a theme of the last couple of years of football, for example.

However, the drawbacks are not inconspicuous. A lot has been made of—and national associations have sought to clamp down on—poor behaviour by sporting stars and the need to stamp it out, lest it influence young impressionable fans; several notable biting incidents seem to spring to mind. Cheating, and drug use particularly as of late, is another poor influence that sport has had in recent times.

What Mike Towell represents to some is another of those negative influences that sport has, as severe injuries, sometimes carrying long term damage, are merely seen as part of the game, part of the sacrifice. In boxing, the threat of severe brain damage is real, as is that of death, though it is of course uncommon. In American Football, for example, former players who have spent at least five seasons in the league are about four times as likely to succumb to Alzheimer’s or ALS, whilst the majority suffer physical injuries that affect their quality of life (to small or large degrees) in their retirement. In rugby, the concussion protocol has been put in place to combat the recognition of the severe damage that the contact sport can do. In Formula 1, incredibly dangerous crashes are not infrequent, and the debate over the halo protection system have included whether or not it will hamper driving ability, regardless of the fact that it would probably save lives.

Why, then, should sports continue to be held up as such bastions of social value?

One answer lies in sports’ simplicity. Football is the most popular sport in the UK, and whatever the causes, one must be that all you need is a ball. Sometimes there is not even a need for another person, you could do shooting practice against a wall. For goals, one can use shirts or jumpers, and for a pitch any patch of grass, or concrete, would do. There is no wealth barrier, no talent barrier to play at the most basic level. Neither is there a complex system of rules to understand. FIFA currently claims there are 17, and famously there were originally four fewer, but in reality all you need to know is that the ball needs to go through the posts, only one person per team can handle it, and excessive physical aggression is probably not allowed.

Boxing enjoys that same simplicity. Gloves are seemingly a must (though they have not always been); besides that, it only takes two. There is no need for a large club, a regularised meeting to ensure the minimum number of people required to play turn up.

Through that simplicity, and the consequential lack of barriers of entry, such sports can become vents for energy for those lacking direction. The old cliché of boxing rises up again, that it is a sport filled with people who would otherwise be in prison, or possibly dead. However, the cliché has not been conjured up out of thin air. Perhaps the most conspicuous example is Anthony Joshua, one of the stars of the sport today, who has on several occasions opened up about his past difficulties with discipline, his close shaves with the law, his time spent on curfew with the police, and that boxing had saved him from all of that and a path that would have surely taken him to far worse.

His friend, Watford captain Troy Deeney, is from the other side of that line; having been jailed in 2012, Deeney came out and reformed his life in part through football, claiming that going to prison was the best thing that happened to him and that football was his redemption.

Of course, none of this hides the fact that boxing is among a number of dangerous sports in which we encourage members of our society to partake.

Yes, the question we should be asking is not why we allow people to engage in these sports that could risk their health or even their lives. The question that should be asked is for every person we tragically lose, though we may try as hard as we can to prevent it, how many has that sport saved?

Not Wong: Homelessness

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Homelessness is a multi-faceted  issue without a panacea. That being said, this article posits that imagining homeless individuals as victims of systemic problems only entrenches their disempowered status.  The counter-narrative that should be adopted is one in which homeless individuals are seen as people  every member of the public can help, without requiring grand structural shifts. It should be noted that it is perfectly legitimate and valid to hold that homelessness  is the result, to a greater or lesser extent, of socioeconomic factors. Yet it is non-conducive to dwell on structural sources of the problem, as opposed to the potential for individual agency to combat the issue.

Firstly, an excessively structural framing of the problem engenders defeatism, and discourages attempts to solve it. The connotations of a structural problem are clear: such problems  are fundamental, macroscopic, and require political or social capital on a scale inaccessible for 99.9% of society. Charity, aid, donations etc. are unhelpfully framed as “temporary, unsustainable strategies”, which in turn allows the average individual on the street to shirk away from contributing and providing immediate assistance that is often necessary. By reducing the problem to manageable sizes, the public can be made to recognise the difference they can make regardless of their lack of structural political and economic power. In a world where individual acts of kindness are emphasised as a key component of resolving the problem, the average citizen is far more likely to feel motivated to extend a helping hand towards the homeless. Problem identification does not equate problem resolution.

Secondly, it must be noted that political capital for the homeless has failed to increase over the past decade for a number of structural reasons:

  1. Political elites respond primarily to votes and secondarily to lobbying power; homeless individuals, have neither.
  2. Politicians prioritise more “visible” problems – so long as the public could not “see” the homeless (consider the exclusion of the homeless from public spaces through the installation of “defensive architecture” – e.g. spikes and barriers lining expensive shops), the problem becomes far easier to dismiss
  3. Issue prioritisation within social welfare has predominantly been centred on “universal” issues – e.g. retirement pensions and healthcare, less so around “local” issues that affect only particular subgroups of individuals.

All of these phenomena suggest that the claim that a structural framing of the problem of the problem of homelessness better enables a solution  is – at best – an assertion; at worst – an excuse. Given these constraints and the above reasoning regarding why citizens are far less likely to care about an issue when they perceive their they cannot change it, we ought to abandon the illusion that politicians can be depended upon to help homeless individuals – and take matters into our own hands. Problem resolution will not occur so long as the public adopts a passive, “wait-and-see” approach.

Thirdly, the premise that all issues pertaining to homelessness are necessarily a manifestation of socioeconomic problems should also be challenged. Discriminatory narratives that construct images of the homeless as “lazy”, “unwanted” dependents; the absence of psychological support and humanisation that has rendered the poor feeling powerless and deprived of normal social functions; or even just the lack of regular supplies of minimal security (i.e. no clothes, blankets, or food) are problems that do not require “grand, structural solutions”. Instead, these are problems that can be resolved through the mobilisation of the relatively affluent to act altruistically. These individuals are far more likely to respond to a paradigm which does not present the homeless as victims waiting for the state’s assistance, but as individual persons – with their own projects, ambitions, and dreams – who could benefit from a fellow citizen’s helping hand.

Perhaps it is true that homelessness is a consequence of capitalism. Yet insisting that it can only be solved through structural shifts is fruitless and counterproductive: change will never arrive through the sheer act of waiting. There is an imperative to act now – and act promptly.

If…France Invaded Britain

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The suggestion that France could invade Britain had been scoffed at by expert government analysts for centuries. “Surely,” ran their line of reasoning “a nation with such a famous reputation for cheese consumption and surrendering to German invasion would never consider, or indeed have the capacity to attempt an invasion of this Island”. How wrong they were.

In fact, the astoundingly successful invasion of 2018 had been coming for years. Francois Mitterand initiated the scheme in 1988 by beginning construction of an underground troop deployment passageway codenamed ‘The Channel Tunnel’. From this point a covert beach head was established on British soil and the French army began to prepare for an inevitable invasion.

The crisis which actually initiated the invasion came as a result of the attempts of the French government to find a solution to the ever growing migrant camps around Calais. Unfortunately, President Le Pen’s strategy of forced deportations drove increasing numbers of refugees to escape to England, by this point welcoming refugees with open arms after Tim Farron’s shock victory in the 2017 general election. With her popularity sliding and with whispers of incompetence flitting around Paris, President Le Pen decided that the embarrassment of what was occurring had to be stopped. Deciding to solve the problem at its source it made perfect sense for the French Army, nearly twice the size of their British counterparts, to invade.

French forces marched through the Tunnel and within a week had seized much of the South East, apart from Slough, which any sensible conqueror would naturally leave to its own devices. Tim Farron’s protestations that the French shouldn’t invade “because it’s 2015” were ignored because a) it wasn’t 2015 anymore and hadn’t been for three years, and b) because nobody ever bought the Trudeau comparison anyway. The Liberal Democrat Government was replaced with a puppet ‘national government’ led by Tony Blair (“I have one priority in government: Occupation, Occupation and Occupation…”) while French armies continued to advance. There were pockets of resistance: Somerset held out for months, and a sustained guerrilla campaign in Yorkshire saw that county become an independent state. Nicola Sturgeon’s hopes of a free Scotland were scotched when French ‘tourists’ in Edinburgh turned out to be agents in deep cover. Holyrood and Edinburgh Castle having been seized, the Tricolore was raised above Scotland as across much of the rest of the UK.

Life under the new regime was distinctly strange for the population. Both Lancashire and Cornwall were given over entirely to the production of garlic, while all aspects of the thriving sparkling wine industry were drowned in a wave of regulation and taxation.

Nonetheless, noble resistance continued: Theresa May was elected Prime Minister in exile and issued inflammatory speeches from the last British Military outpost in the Falkland Islands (Akrotiri and Dhekelia, coupled with the majority of the RAF, had been taken in the early days of the war). Nigel Farage was rumoured to be heading the resistance, although his following of pot-bellied older gentlemen never seemed to carry out attacks on anything other than the posh new wine bars opening up around the country. These ‘’Supply Runs’’ quickly came to be seen as even more of a nuisance than the roving French gourmands who would set up in small villages, insist large meals were cooked for them, and then snootily refuse to eat them.

One particular fan of the new order was Jeremy Corbyn. He retired from public life to pen pamphlets explaining that he was no longer needed in British politics; after all, the French invasion had brought strikes and grumbling workers to the nation in a way which he could never have dreamed, while the massive Foie Gras complexes springing up around every corner represented exactly the state lead investment which he espoused. Owen Smith agreed with him, but said he would be more electable.

President Trump, El Rey de Mexico, King of the 50 States and Protector of the Realm reasoned that the UK deserved it because they had paid for a wall to be built in Calais, rather than making the French pay for it. Didn’t the UK know that America had the biggest army and the best of all armies and they would have stopped the French on their own if they had been there? Perhaps regrettably, nobody could hear him say any of this because he had been locked in his own office several years ago for the general health and wellbeing of the World.

Yet as time wore on, the people of Britain endured the invasion with surprising equanimity. The motorway food had improved as a rule, and a thriving black market had opened up in newly prohibited items, from busts of Wellington, to copies of Jean Froissart’s History of the Hundred Years War. It did sting a bit when Nelson was removed from his column and Napoleon put in his place, and the guillotining of the Royal family was certainly regarded as a bit beyond the pale, but children could now smoke in schools, and the state retirement age had been reduced to 59. Furthermore, those parts of the population not wholly happy with the state of the nation were kept in line by the paramilitary ‘striped shirts’ armed with extremely stale baguettes. The best way of identifying yourself as a loyal supporter of the occupiers was to loudly and quickly sing the Marseillaise at all opportunities.

Alas, this state of affairs was not to last. From Free Yorkshire there eventually rose a leader who managed to ignite a patriotic fervour across the occupied territories. For it was Hilary Benn, after decades in the political wilderness, successfully reunited first the North, and then the South in a campaign to drive out the French occupiers, eventually rolling all the way to the gates of Paris. But that is a story for another day.

Mental health: awareness and beyond

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This week I had the pleasure of meeting Alastair Campbell–famous for being the architect behind New Labour and the (probable) inspiration behind Malcolm Tucker in the BBC satire The Thick of It; but perhaps slightly less famous for his significant work in mental health since his political semi-retirement. Given that World Mental Health Day was earlier this week, I thought I’d ask him, albeit briefly, about his work in mental health and his thoughts on the issue as a whole.

His overriding note was one of optimism. The very fact that there has been a World Mental Health Day and that I was there asking him about the issue shows that there is a much more open dialogue on the matter; and that therefore, the stigma is halfway removed. He himself opened up a while ago about his issues with depression and his brother’s issues with schizophrenia. It was his brother’s issues, not his own, that he says principally motivated his desire to campaign for better understanding mental health. Citing the importance of employers for a better appreciation of adult mental health issues; he greatly approved of Glasgow University’s treatment of him as an employee – not as a ‘schizophrenic’, but ‘as an employee with schizophrenia’, a disease that needs treatment rather than some fundamental character trait. Working there for 27 years, he managed to fit in and feel unjudged for his illness.

His judgement was that we were slowly approaching a ‘tipping point’, where net awareness would exceed net ignorance of the issues regarding mental illness. The ensuing consequences of this will be fairly obvious, an end to stigma and an end to so much of what facilitates these very illnesses in the first place: judgement. The key, he argues, is in our generation; of those who are now about 20, to push forward these more aware views of mental illness and to ensure that they become mainstream opinion.

Alastair’s own personal braveness in being a figure of public importance and discussing his mental illness makes him, to my mind; another member of a list of inspirational men and women who have furthered the discussion (Stephen Fry, Richard Ashcroft and so on). It often feels hard enough talking to your close friends let alone the general public, and so I would argue that this braveness is a wonderful example to set in doing what Alastair says is necessary–making this not a fringe dialogue, but a mainstream dialogue of destigmatisation and greater awareness.

However, with awareness comes greater problems yet to come–working with various campaigns arguing for a parity of importance given to mental and physical illness; Alastair has come to realise that all the awareness in the world won’t solve the issue solely unless resources are also made available on the NHS to deal with the illnesses. The first step is awareness–then after that, we as a generation must push for the proper infrastructure being there to then deal with it.

Any survey done of Oxford University students shows that treatment is wanting, queues are too long and not enough is being done to make sufferers feel like they can find the doctors they need. This is by no means Oxford specific, recent BBC Panorama documentary ‘I’m Broken Inside: Sara’s Story’ showed the prevalence of the problem, here highlighting the broken system for treating mental illness in the North of England. It is a nationwide problem that must be solved. Too many tragedies are happening at the moment; too many people are falling through the cracks of the system.

First, the awareness will come, then the facilities must come after.

An OFW imposter

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Work on your disguise – If you’re going to convince everyone that you’re in the know, you ought to look the part. Wear multiple trends at once. Sunglasses, are a must, if only to hide the fear in your unworthy eyes as you discuss the collections with the industry’s top journalists and bloggers. But remember your impostor status and wear flats instead of heels – you don’t have a team of interns running around for you, nor do you have a limo waiting outside.

Don’t blink at the prices – “We’re targeting our bags at the working class,” the smartly-dressed sales representative replied, when I asked her about her handbag brand at the LFW Designer Showrooms. It defied belief. Could high fashion really be considering real people’s budgets and tastes? Unwilling to ruin the fantasy, but aware of my investigative duties, I asked about the price range. A pause. “The bags start from around £200, with prices reaching around £500,” she said, completely oblivious to the irony of the affair.

This, dear reader, is how prices work in fashion. They start at the “working class” prices of £200 and work themselves to truly stratospheric heights. Do as the Romans do, by feigning indifference at the pricing, and then buying the Topshop alternative instead.

Know your stuff (or just pretend you do) –  Though we complain about the intensity of the Oxford tutorial system, it does help in real life. My training in talking confidently on subjects I know nothing about proved invaluable when I was interviewed by a Korean television company.

“Are you a fashion editor?” the presenter asked, eyes full of misplaced admiration. I am, rather hilariously, a fashion editor, which meant I couldn’t deny the interview. “What are your opinions in Korean fashion in the Western market?” she asked. And with a flair that would make any tutor proud, I developed opinions on the Korean fashion industry’s exposure in the West on the spot. I discussed the emergence of Chinese designers in the West (think Guo Pei and Huishan Zhang) and the established Japanese designers, then expressed my excitement at the new Korean designers. Bluffing is something you’ve been learned to do about Candide and Keynes – learn to bluff about Chanel before turning up.     

Network, network, network –  Another aspect made easier by an Oxford education is the networking. One way to start a conversation with future contacts is to compliment them on their outfit – oh, and don’t forget your business card. You may look and talk the part, and you may shrug your shoulders at those £800 pajama bottoms, but if you turn up without a business card, you’ll be unveiled as the impostor you really are.