It’s (almost) the most wonderful time of the year – or not, depending on how you feel about Jesus’ birthday, how much disposable income you’ve got, and whether you can stand to watch The Brave Little Toaster again. (We’re getting weepy just thinking about it.) Either way, here’s a Christmas present from Cherwell Music to you, you wonderful reader, with some songs for the Scrooges and some carols for the Cratchits among you. Crack open an egg-nog (it comes in cans, right?) and enjoy.
Half Man Half Biscuit – It’s Clichéd To Be Cynical At Christmas
A surprisingly dreamy turn from Nigel Blackwell’s notoriously sarcastic indie heroes. With its total lack of football chants or references to seventies game show hosts it’s far from a typical HMHB number, but it’s rather nice to hear them not being utterly withering about popular culture for once.
The Sonics – Don’t Believe In Christmas
…and, opposing the motion, here are The Sonics. Maybe being cynical at Christmas was less clichéd in 1965, but either way this taut garage rock stomper is Scrooginess at its wildest. It’s not as raucous as some of the best Sonics tracks, but lyrically it’s right up there: ‘Stayin’ up late at night to see Santa Claus fly – sure enough, don’t ya know, fat boy didn’t show.’
Holly Golightly – Christmas Tree On Fire
Perhaps best known outside garage circles for appearing on The White Stripes’ Elephant, Holly Golightly (it’s not a stage name) has been plugging away since the early 90s, first as part of Thee Headcoatees and later as a solo artist. Let this rather excellent pseudo-country single be a warning against the dire consequences of leaving your Christmas decorations up for too long.
Wild Billy Childish & The Musicians of the British Empire – Comanche (Link Wray’s Christmas)
It’s simple enough, a cover of Link Wray’s Comanche with a festive twist, but it provides a perfect pretext for the legendary (and extraordinarily prolific) Billy Childish to fuzz about on guitar with his most recent project. If you like this, have a listen to the rest of the Christmas 1979 album: with songs including ‘Poundland Christmas’ and ‘Christmas Hell’, what could possibly go wrong?
The Ramones – Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)
Ignoring Kirsty MacColl and The Pogues for a minute, this is the alternative Christmas carol. There’s not much more to say about this deserved classic, except that it’s clear evidence of a childhood spent listening to the Phil Spector Christmas album – Joey Ramone’s family apparently celebrated Christmas despite being Jewish.
Shonen Knife – Space Christmas
‘Oo-oo-ultra-eccentric-super-cult-punk-pop-band-Shonen-Knife!’ is how the Japanese power-pop outfit describe themselves, which pretty much covers it. This cute festive track from 1991’s Do The Knife mini-album features razor-sharp Buzzcocks guitars, heavily-accented doo-wop vocals, and adorable (if inexplicable) lyrics about Santa Claus riding on ‘a bison sleigh’. Perfect for banishing the Advent blues.
Cocteau Twins – Frosty the Snowman
Okay, so they’ve always done their own thing, but surely a Christmas EP was a step too far? Snow (1993) features a middling-to-poor version of ‘Winter Wonderland’ on one side (seriously, once you’ve heard it you always expect them to play it in an Argos Christmas advert) but this version of Gene Autry’s classic song is sublime (and only faintly ridiculous). Perfect dream-pop for a grey winter day.
All About Eve – Last Christmas
But wait, there’s more! This lilting, drifting take on Wham’s famous Christmas Number Two is further proof that whatever you think of George Michael’s escapades of the last few years, the man knows how to write a song. All About Eve’s shoegaze-inflected version makes you wish it would just hurry up and snow so you can listen to it on repeat while drinking hot chocolate and wearing a jumper. Yeah, really.
The Raveonettes – Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
The original by Darlene Love – painful, pleading, and incredibly soulful – is one of the best tracks off A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector, but for some reason it hasn’t enjoyed the same fame as, say, ‘Sleigh Ride’ by The Ronettes. This Raveonettes’ version takes a different tack, translating the original Wall of Sound production into a grinding and eerily beautiful synth track, without losing any of the feeling.
Kate Bush – December Will Be Magic Again
British pop music’s very own eccentric aunt is just one of those people who seems like she really, really likes Christmas. This 1980 single goes a long way to support that assumption as it escalates from contemplative piano into full-scale glam balladry, like ‘Wuthering Heights’ but with sleigh bells. Also, she strongly hints that she used to get turned on by Bing Crosby. Brilliant and strange.
The Knife – Christmas Reindeer
A special festive version of the closing track of the Swedish synth duo’s debut album. Alright, it’s pretty much exactly the same with bells on, but, as with all Christmas presents, it’s the thought that counts. Those familiar with The Knife will be totally unsurprised to hear that ‘Reindeer’ isn’t exactly a traditional festive tune – in fact, it seems to be exploring issues of animal cruelty within Father Christmas’ annual delivery round – but it’s not every day you get to hear a song written from the perspective of a magical flying caribou.
Kurtis Blow – Christmas Rappin’
One of Christmas’s less recognised achievements was a significant role in the commercial breakthrough of rap music: Kurtis Blow jumped on the festive market with this semi-ludicrous track in 1979, paving the way for his wildly successful follow-up single ‘The Breaks’. Despite some dubious rhymes about ‘a red suited dude with a ready attitude and a sleigh full of goodies for the people on the block’, Blow’s funky disco samples and smooth old-school flow might explain the 400,000 sales ‘Christmas Rappin’’ racked up. That, plus a big dose of mindless festive fun.
Casiotone for the Painfully Alone – Cold White Christmas
Owen Ashworth, on the other hand – or rather the subject of this typically melancholic track by his former electronic project – is not having a good Christmas. Stuck in St. Paul, Minnesota in a dead-end job (‘Second shift as a fry cook – that’s your holiday in grease’), she’s the unwitting protagonist of the saddest and most touching Christmas song since ‘Fairytale of New York’. Ashworth shut down the Casiotone project almost exactly a year ago, but his new act, Advance Base, already have a couple of depressing Christmas songs of their own. A man obsessed?
Low – Blue Christmas
In case you missed their downbeat appearance on our ‘Cover Me’ playlist, here’s another chance to hear Low living up to their name. This is a cover of an old country song, famously performed by Elvis, stripped down to a stark ballad of lost love at Yule, and best listened to over Christmas dinner for one with a big bottle of sherry.
Weezer – The First Noel
Something more traditional, sort of. Initially recorded for an iPhone app, this alt-rock take on the Cornish carol was released as part of a mini-album in 2008, alongside versions of ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ and ‘Silent Night’ among others. It seems, unusually, to be pretty much devoid of irony – in fact it’s all rather suspiciously heartwarming, as though they’ve turned up outside in bobble hats with a lantern and invited themselves in for hot chocolate, before trashing your house.
Phil Spector & Artists – Silent Night
One murder conviction and several disturbing bouffants later, Phil Spector’s end-credits on his (admittedly wonderful) Christmas album make for the creepiest Christmas track ever (although this Wizzard video – or this classic – make it a close contest). Especially spine-chilling is the bit where he thanks the listener ‘for letting us spend this Christmas with you’. Yes, that’s right – by buying his album, you just automatically invited him and his entire roster of artists to your Christmas party. Good luck, and merry Christmas.
BONUS TRACK: TBC Poundsystem – Losing My Sledge
And here’s an extra present at the bottom of your Oxmas stocking, although unless you’re familiar with the source material (which, to be fair, you should be) it probably won’t hit home. Best line: ‘I hear that everybody that you know is more festive than everybody that I know.’ Sadly, this track hasn’t yet started a trend for Christmas-themed LCD Soundsystem cover versions, and we’re still waiting for a version of ‘Yeah’ where all the words are ‘ho, ho, ho’. Maybe next year?
