1. Richard Stobo to Danny Waugh, brother of Steve and Mark A Sydney grade game between Gordon and Bankstown. After Stobo beats Waugh’s outside edge a few times in succession: ‘Mate, are you fucking adopted?’ 2. Glenn McGrath to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes ‘Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?’ Eddo Brandes: ‘Because every time I fuck your mother, she throws me a biscuit.’ 3. James Ormond & Mark Waugh Ormond had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh. MW: ‘Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.’ JO: ‘Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.’ 4. Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan McGrath to Sarwan: ‘So what does Brian Lara’s dick taste like?’ Sarwan: ‘I don’t know. Ask your wife.’ McGrath (losing it): ‘If you ever fucking mention my wife again, I’ll fucking rip your fucking throat out!’ 5. Mark Waugh & Adam Parore Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Parore) comes to the crease playing and missing the first ball. Mark: ‘Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then; you’re fucking useless now.’ Parore (turning around): ‘Yeah, that’s me. And when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut. And now I hear you’ve married her, you dumb cunt!’ 6. Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row’s legs. Fred doesn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. ‘I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred.’ ‘Not you Raman, your mother,’ Fred replied. 7. Waugh & Jamie Siddons In a Sheffield Shield game between NSW and SA, a Waugh twin (not sure which) was taking an eternity to take guard, asking the umpire for centre, middle and leg, two legs – the whole lot. Then he steps away towards leg side and has another look around the field, before re checking centre. Jamie Siddons is at slip, and decided enough is enough. He yells out. ‘For Christ‘s sake, it’s not a fuckin’ test match.’ Waugh replies: ‘Of course it isn’t: you’re here!‘ 8. Healy & Atherton Michael Atherton, on his first Tour to Australia, was adjudged not out on a caught behind appeal. At the end of the over Ian Healey walked by and announced ‘You’re a fucking cheat.’ Athers replied very politely ‘When in Rome, dear boy…’ 9. W.G.Grace & Umpire Once, when the ball knocked off a bail, he replaced it and told the umpire: ‘Twas the wind which took thy bail off, good sir.’ The umpire replied: ‘Indeed, doctor, and let us hope thy wind helps the good doctor on thy journey back to the pavilion .’ 10. Ian BothamIan Botham arrives in Australia The cheeky customs official asks him ‘Do you have a criminal record?’ Botham: ‘I didn’t know that was still a requirement.’

Morrissey fans are born, not made. It’s in the genes. Morrissey is the eccentric cousin you love unconditionally, but when you take him to a party and he mounts the coffee table, declaring, ‘I have explosive kegs, between my legs’, you can no more disown him than you might your racist Granddad. You’re together until one of you dies. I’m not trying to convert anyone, because Morrissey is not a choice.

Greatest Hits enters a field already over-populated with World of/Best of/Live compilations. So selection is paramount. The focus is here is on the reincarnation of Maz as globe-trotting, gun-toting, sharp-suited Mafia don on the so-so You Are The Quarry and the triumphant Ringleader of The Tormentors. 8 tracks come from the aforementioned, along with four predictable classics. The exercise is justified by the presence of two new tracks and an (already released) cover version. The 1980s’ greatest romantic getting a little cynical, perhaps?

To be fair, it’s joyously incongruous to hear Morrissey waltz through the loping feminist reggae of Patti Smith’s ‘Redondo Beach’ like the old queen he is. New tracks ‘That’s How People Grow Up’ and ‘All You Need Is Me’ are instant classics of the kind he’s pulling out like magic handkerchieves these days: musically concise, vocally theatrical, and hilariously bleak lyrically. The rest are a fair introduction to one of our most unapologetically idiosyncratic pop stars, which will probably either change your life or disgust you. Fans will ruefully count off the neglected classics, particularly, ‘Now My Heart is Full’, but then this CD, like all Greatest collections, wasn’t really made for them in the first place. Morrissey won’t worry; as the beatific cover picture suggests, he knows we’re stuck with him to the bitter end.by Richard Woodall

I hate it. Match-fixing, chucking, drugs bans, Zimbabwe, The Oval snafu, last year’s abysmal World Cup, and now, racism. What next? Anything, it seems, to overshadow the cricket. I’m sick of these controversies – I’ve had enough storms in my teacups, bees in my bonnet, thittlis in my turban (thittlis = butterflies in Hindi) to be sick of the bullshit that comes with the game. Cricket today, it seems, cannot seem to escape from controversy. Much of it is of the game’s own doing, and the blame must fall squarely on the shoulders of the ICC – they might need reminding the I is not meant to stand for Incompetent – for the way they have screwed over the game and all those who have a stake in it. I suppose we have to go through the monkey business that caused the hullabaloo Down Under. Andrew Symonds squares up to Harbhajan Singh and they exchange pleasantries, perhaps making plans for dinner later that day. Who knows what they were talking about? Not us, not the stump cams, not Mike Proctor. It can’t be said for sure that Harbhajan called Symonds a monkey. The BCCI, for all its money, didn’t have the tuppence worth of common sense required to send a lawyer to the hearing. Any lawyer worth his salt could have cleared Harbhajan’s name – there was not a sliver of proof available, and a man’s word is as valuable as a baboon’s bollocks in a hearing. Balance of probabilities, anyone? Reasonable doubt? These are concepts seemingly foreign to the ICC, because Harbhajan was found guilty of calling Symonds a monkey. On the word of the Australians. Ludicrous. The most plausible explanation was, of course, that Harbhajan called Symonds a ‘maa-ki’, which translates from Singh’s native Punjabi as ‘Your Mother’. It sounds similar, and is a common term of abuse. End of story, really. It is only incompetent handling by the monkeys in the ICC that made a mountain out of what was a molehill. Oh, so it was abuse then, and that’s fine? Yes. This is professional sport, not a palace garden party; they can abuse each other all they want. Sledging is part of cricket, always has been and always will be. While it is not accepted practice in say, tennis, cricketers sledge – it is part and parcel of the game. Indeed, I think it is part of cricket’s charm. ‘Bollyline’, as this affair has been branded, was very much like a Bollywood film – big on action and drama with lots of singing, dancing and shouting, but little in the way of substance. The ICC could have handled it so much better. All this while, there was an enthralling series being played out. Make no mistake about it, this was a series between the two best cricketing nations in the world. The only team to have consistently challenged Australia since the turn of the century is India, and they have done so both at home and in Australia. England got hammered in Australia, lending further weight to the school of thought that 2005 was a oneoff, just like ’81. South Africa flatter to deceive, and though Sri Lanka are ever-improving, they are over-reliant on Muralitharan and got rinsed just before India went down under. India, on the other hand, beat Australia in that series in 2001, before losing a closely fought series 2-1 in the next home series, which included a washout on the last day in Chennai with India assured of victory. In between, they did well on a tour down under, and were in fact unlucky not to win that series, emerging with a 1-1 draw. The boys in blue were confident, then, going into this tour. As expected, however, they were blown away in Melbourne – failing to reach 200 in either innings – because the batsmen had had no chance to acclimatise. The BCCI continues to ignore the weight of history and make the same mistakes. Regardless of scheduling demands, teams on tour must be given at least a couple of practice matches to attune themselves to the local pitches and conditions. It was thus no surprise that India lost in Melbourne, having shot themselves in the foot so lamentably. Sydney brought a new year, and a different story. Australia on the brink of matching the record for most consecutive wins, India determined to fight. This was a great test match – it had everything. Australia teetering at 134-6 on the first day, before, typically relentless, they amassed 463. India, in reply, surpassed that – Laxman and Tendulkar played some scintillating shots – one wristy drive through midwicket, from a ball bowled widish outside off stump, was Very Very Special indeed and will abide in the memory. In full flow, Laxman is a batsman inimitably classic, and a joy to watch. The key to competing with Australia is no secret – it is to compete for 3 sessions a day, 5 days at a time. There is no other way, because the killer instincts of the Aussies mean they trample all over opponents at first glimpse of weakness. India showed just such weakness on the last day, perhaps haunted by the ghosts of pathetic past attempts at batting out last days overseas, and it proved fatal – all out six minutes before close. The umpiring in this match was abject, and this was not an exception in a series of horrendous umpiring decisions, including probably the first case of a mistake by the television umpire. Over and above the shocking umpiring, the Indians were irked by the Australians’ breach of the ‘spirit of cricket’, captain Anil Kumble said. It is nothing new – faced with a team that is not intimidated by them and is willing to compete, the Australians are quick to go bananas and get their panties in a bunch. They can dish it out, but cannot stand the taste of their own medicine. The behaviour in this match, claiming catches, charging at umpires, was unacceptable. There is no doubt that all teams are guilty of it, but Australia preaches about it, which makes their behaviour and their hypocrisy harder to stomach than a barbie with rotten meat on. After a deserved victory at Perth, Australia’s traditional stronghold, where India’s young bowlers did well on a helpful track that gave them a chance of taking 20 wickets, the cricketing carnival came to a close in Adelaide, on a batting track made for Virender Sehwag. The daring Delhi destroyer did not disappoint, cracking an attacking 151 that was a reminder to the selectors of what they had missed – Sehwag is a class batsman, and should have played every match – he looks to have calmed down at the crease, has improved his solidity in defence, and has always had the shots to take apart any attack. India couldn’t bowl out Australia twice to win, but a draw was a credible result. Australia are the best team in the world, and have an all-conquering record at home. Once again, India stood up to them and matched them, blow for blow. It was an epic contest, a hard-fought series that was a joy to watch. Above all, this series delivered a fillip the game needed – it was a credit to Test cricket, for reasons on the field.by Ajay Ahluwalia

It was never going to be an easy night for Richard Hawley. As ushers sell ice cream to the overwhelmingly middle-age, middle-class audience pre-show, you get the feeling that the atmosphere might be flat. And it is. Even Hawley acknowledges that the seated audience seem muted: ‘Are you enjoying it? It’s just a bit quiet, that’s all’, he tentatively ventures mid-set.

Hawley doesn’t help himself, as he looks reluctant to front the band and command the stage – perhaps a hangover from his days in the background as a guitarist for Longpigs and Pulp. He does try to rouse the audience, but his attempts at a northern stand-up routine are received like a sexist joke at a W.I. meeting – a meeting that you suspect a good proportion of the crowd would feel more comfortable at. Try as he might, Hawley just isn’t a compelling front man and the audience is giving him nothing.

Maybe, then, it’s a good thing that Hawley doesn’t indulge in the histrionics familiar to indie bands, relying instead on his music alone to run the show. This is, after all, what he does best, and musically the performance is faultless. Individually the band is clearly talented: Hawley’s supporting musicians contribute with shimmering palm steel guitar, double bass, and the jazz piano on ‘Roll River Roll’. There’s even a cameo from a man Hawley ‘met in a pub in Manchester’, who he heralds as ‘the best harmonica player in England’ – and he isn’t far wrong. The strength of Hawley’s music, though, is not based on individuals, but on the creation of the whole. The layered melodies swoosh and resonate through the auditorium, while Hawley’s velvet crooning sounds somehow more vital and visceral live, particularly on ‘Lady Solitude’ and ‘Our Darkness’.

The lush, laid back nature of much of Hawley’s newer material means it’s often easy to let the music wash over you – not always a great thing. After several slow numbers the set risks falling into a lull, but fortunately it is always revived just in time by his more arresting songs, such as the older guitar-driven ‘Something Is’ and the rockabilly ‘Serious’, which nearly brings down the balcony under the frenzied foot-tapping of the forty-somethings upstairs.The encore proves the true highlight of the gig, as Hawley performs a soulful version of Ricky Nelson’s ‘Lonesome Town’, accompanied by harmonica, before finishing with ‘The Ocean’. This, his most skilfully and beautifully crafted song to date, is the inevitable final song: it simply wouldn’t belong anywhere else. The band bring it to its soaring crescendo and after completing his vocals, Hawley improvises a guitar solo. For the first time this evening he looks like a rock and roll hero. Guitar held up, leaning back, he lets himself go. Whilst the gig lacks moments like this, you feel that with a different crowd this may have moved towards something a bit more special: Hawley himself is faultless.by James Rogers 

A row has erupted at Trinity over whether or not students should have to say grace at meal times. Over the past few weeks a number of scholars and exhibitioners have refused to recite the meal-time prayer when asked to do so at dinners in hall. One student explained why some undergraduates had begun to rebel against the practice. He said, “They oppose [the fact] that academic achievement is being seen as having a religious connotation and resent being obliged to participate.”A response by the Chaplain, demanding that the prize-winners deliver the recitation, has opened up a rift between the students and the College’s Governing Body. In an email sent on 7 February, the Revd Emma Percy wrote, “The personal beliefs of the individual are incidental; the role requires them to speak the words that the college community wish to be said on their behalf.”The Chaplain also argued that reciting the prayer was not a religious ritual but a tradition that current scholars and exhibitioners were obliged to take part in. She said, “There seems to be some confusion about the difference between personal and public prayer, the individual and the role. The scholar/exhibitioner is asked to recite the grace, it is a personal matter whether they also pray it,” she added.Some students took offence to the tone of the message. One undergraduate, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Her argument was perfectly sound but the tone was pretty awful and some people weren’t happy about that.”In an anonymous email to Cherwell, another student described it as “an arrogant letter to all students (most of whom are not practicing [sic] Christians) that tolerates no objections.”Following the email from the Chaplain a motion was brought to the JCR by Jonny Wright, a fourth year student. The motion stated that, “despite the Chaplain’s argument, the obligation to say the words of the grace amounts to forced participation in a religious ceremony.”It also noted that, “A scholarship or exhibition is an award for academic achievement, and should not involve any religious obligation.”At the JCR meeting last Monday a motion was passed by 27 votes to 17 to write to the Governing Body requesting a change in College rules, removing the obligation for scholars and exhibitioners to recite grace. The decision was taken to the Governing Body on Wednesday, after the meeting.JCR President Richard Williams said, “The Principal and Fellows were not overly impressed,” and that they laid out a number of objections.“They did not agree that saying grace can be defined as a ‘forced participation in a religious ceremony’…nor [did they agree that] the grace [is] necessarily best understood as a purely religious ritual.“The Governing Body also reminded students that, ‘the exhibition is essentially a gift, a reward for achievement rather than a right we automatically have claim to; moreover these are funded by sources which hold College tradition dear.’ Most of all, the President and Chaplain were concerned for the hall staff.” The Governing Body handed the issue back to the JCR and Williams suggested that a solution will be reached whereby students who do not wish to say grace will not be obliged to.Peter Hughes, President of the Oxford Secular Society, argued that grace should always be considered a religious practice, and therefore students should not be under obligation to perform it. He said, “It seems ludicrous that anyone should be forced to engage in religious practices, and it must be embarrassing for Christians for it to be dismissed as mere tradition.”To become a scholar or exhibitioner students are required to take a vow to observe the College’s rules, including the obligation to say grace in the dining hall if asked. Williams said, “Over the next week or so I’m going to be talking to all the scholars and exhibitioners to devise a system where grace will be distributed in such a way that no one who is determinedly opposed to it will have to say it.” He added, “The University and colleges claim to be inclusive and equally open to people of all faiths and none. Exclusionary practices like this serve as uncomfortable reminders that we still have a way to go.”A statement from Trinity College President Sir Ivor Roberts said, “The JCR is currently considering the best way to maintain the tradition of Scholars and exhibitioners saying the College grace before Formal Hall.”

by Paul Rainford (Blues' Football Captain) It’s been a relatively quiet couple of weeks for the Blues football squad since our title clinching victory over Worcester University. With no competitive fixtures to focus on, the emphasis has been on fitness training and putting together preliminary plans for the Centaurs Varsity match and the Colleges XI Varsity match that will both take place on Saturday 1st March in Cambridge. The success of the Blues this season has been sustained and nourished by the flourishing of our support base in the Centaurs squad, and those who perform with distinction on March 1st may very well force their way into the final sixteen that will be selected for the Blues Varsity match at Craven Cottage later on in March. Last year’s Centaurs Varsity was one of the most competitive and exciting matches that I have ever had the pleasure to witness. The Centaurs had taken an early lead, only to be pegged back late on in the second half by a wonderful goal ironically enough scored by the brother of this year’s Centaurs captain. Cambridge had then gone in front in the first period of extra time and looked to be heading towards victory before Tom Wherry, now playing at right back for the blues, scored with a header from a corner deep into injury time. Both sides scored 12 consecutive penalties before one of the unfortunate, and most probably unwilling, Cambridge players put his effort wide of the post and handed victory to Oxford. We are certainly hoping for a repeat of an Oxford victory this year, but perhaps one achieved in slightly more comfortable circumstances. The Centaurs team that will play in the fixture will certainly be very strong and well prepared, with many individuals having represented the Blues at some point during the season. This year we have called upon more players and managed a much larger squad than has ever been the case in the past. This has helped to provide an extra level of competitiveness, and has ensured that we have been able to make as informed decisions as possible regarding the personnel at our disposal. With regards to the Colleges XI, Varsity match coach David Robinson (OUAFC club President) will be selecting the squad and would like to invite nominations from all college players for any teammates and/or opponents that you feel would be deserving of a place in the representative team. Please email [email protected] with any recommendations you may have, stating their position and college, and including any comments you believe would be helpful. The next Blues fixture will be played in the first round of the BUSA national knockout competition next Wednesday against Team Bath. This fixture should certainly provide us with a stern test and it will be interesting to gauge the standard of our technical play against one of the more prestigious members of the BUSA football community.

Oxford’s Women’s 2nd XI took centre stage on Monday as they thrashed a strong Cambridge team 5-1, surprising even themselves as they dominated a match which was much closer than the score suggests. Oxford started sharply, quickly going 2-0 up thanks to 2 goals from Riki Gale, making her last outing for the Monkeys. Cambridge threatened briefly at 2-1 but goals from Morvan Allen, Helen Macadam and a late strike from Sian Roberts secured a great win. The difference between the 2 sides came in the form of Jess Hughes, Oxford’s Goalkeeper. “She was just a woman-possessed.” said the Monkey’s Captain, Aynsley Bruce, “It seemed like she’d be able to stop anything Cambridge threw at her. It helped that their keeper was utterly pathetic, but Jess still deserves a lot of credit for todayís result.” Their game was followed by the much-anticipated Men’s 2nds match. In a tense affair, which never saw the Occasionals playing their potential, Oxford both took the lead through Martin Pickup and had to come from behind thanks to veteran performer Neil Gallacher to secure a 2-2 draw. Although creating enough chances to have won the match, the 2nds also had to withstand periods of pressure, and a draw seemed the fair result at the final whistle. The same could not be said for the Men’s 3rds who could be forgiven for feeling aggrieved with their game ending 1-1. Cambridge had taken an early lead with the Infrequents looking the more nervous of the 2 teams. Oxford used a moment of undoubted ingenuity from fresher Jonathon Monk to spark them into life and quickly equalised through a coolly taken penalty stroke from Benji Portwin. Having had the majority of possession in the second half, the 3rds could not seem to find the winning goal and it was telling that the final whistle was met with clear relief from the Cambridge bench. The Ladies 3rds, affectionately known as The Hos, ended up on the wrong side of a 2-0 defeat after a determined performance which failed to see them take any reward from a game that on another day they felt they could easily have taken something from.by Ian RossiterMen’s & Women’s 1st XI play Cambridge in 8th week

The next Cowley Road Carnival takes place on 6 July and, for those of you unaware of the one-day event (due to its habit of falling in the summer vacation), it’s a street festival held around the Cowley Road where up to 25,000 people gather for an eclectic mix of music and stalls in an atmosphere described by one veteran as ‘a scaled-down Notting Hill.’ True to the style of the festival, the fundraiser boasted a varied line-up.

Opening the bill were Joe Allen & Anghard Jenkins. Were it not for Jenkins’ violin accompaniment, Allen’s guitar and vocals would only swell the current glut of such sounds, but her strings complemented the vocals well, soaring in more relaxed sections and adding strength and body to intense crescendoes. Next up was rapper Mr. Shaodow and DJ-producer Mars. Good stage presence was on show, although it was to everyone’s detriment when an initially impressive opening display of martial arts backfired with a painful fall and nasty limp for Shaodow. Not normally a fan of rap I held out only limited hope, but largely a shift of subject matter to issues such as minimum wage jobs, racism and the state of the music industry made the music more accessible and enjoyable. Backing tracks were well produced and a real attempt to connect with the audience was made, although the crowd seemed reluctant to respond. Headlining the show was Raggasaurus, a band whose set, titled Camel in the Caribbean, aimed to combine Atlas Mountains singing with reggae. It worked, and the melodic and ululating Arabic vocals added interest to the reggae backing which created life and energy. However, after a few songs it became clear that there wasn’t enough variety in the performance to hold interest. That said, a combination of bouncy sounds and an increasingly intoxicated crowd led to the only dancing of the evening.by Chris Cooling 

Sophie Manning spends 24 hours at the mercy of an SMS answering serviceWhen Danny Wallace, loser, depressive and slightly porky novelist, decided to say ‘yes’ to every offer that came his way, lives were changed. The world enjoyed seeing a Jack Black desperado figure get into more endearing scrapes than Dennis the Menace. They smiled as he rapturously won £25,000 and then amiably lost it again; they chuckled at his goofy seduction attempts, and they just about pissed themselves as the 30-year-old’s ex and her boyfriend ask politely ‘would you like to join us?’ The concept recently became so popular that film rights exchanged hands; producers cast rubber-faced humourist and veteran comedian Jim Carey, as the lead in ‘Yes Man’, due to be released in December 2008. Not that he could very well refuse.Wallace had, in fact, coined an old trick. Long before the prankster was a twinkle in his parents’ eyes, the Dice Man was roaming the streets of America, making decisions based on the roll of a die. This darker version of the game of chance, incorporating sex, rape and murder, spawned a lifestyle – not to mention a revolution in drinking games. And then came mobile phones, and text messages, and before you knew it, you were splitting up with your lifelong love on the whim of a bored mobile services employee. The business of risk-taking took a new turn when in 2004 Colly Myers launched Any Questions Answered. It’s a simple but astoundingly effective moneyspinner: after one free question, customers pay £1 to have any niggling question (small or great) settled once and for all. The companies offer guaranteed answers to any queries – ‘fun, serious or just challenging’ – which soon become surprisingly addictive. Searching for an excellent curry on a day trip to Stratford upon Avon? Scuppered in a pub quiz? Stuck at the back of a seminar with a fatal ignorance of pre-Raphaelitism? Never has the Pringles slogan ‘once you pop, you can’t stop’ been so pertinent. Or almost never. AQA released their top three questions to The Sun in December last year, after several months of PR-manufactured suspense. “What’s the best way to make a million” came in at number one, followed by “how to stop global warming”; third most popular was the old chestnut “is there a god?”Wildcards included “how do I get my manhood out of a hover without going to A&E” and “is it ok to have sex with a dog?” Sadly although the company was happy to inform us of the public’s questions, it declined to release its valuable advice to the papers’ readers.By January 2008, the company had answered over 10 million questions and reached a demand level of over 17,500 questions a day. Snazzy new functions include ‘celebrity answers’, when the likes of Robbie Keane take a few moments to sate fans’ curiosity as to whether Tottenham’s leading scorer prefers Jaffa Cakes or Hobnobs. Soon, the business model caught on around the world; AskMeNow was established in America. Soon, Texperts changed its remit from a subscription-based service called ‘Re5ult’ to a more gimmicky version, designed to catch some of AQA’s drunks, fools and students late at night. Let’s face it, if it’s academic information you’re after, AQA and Texperts aren’t going offer anything that Google can’t get you faster. What it can provide is a little bit of wit, and a little bit of urgency – the cherry-on-top to your 160-character solution service. I tested this service to the limits of its utility, to see if it could help me with some difficult decisions. Over the course of one Tuesday, I asked a faceless stranger the answer to my most important questions, and promised myself to act on their advice.Do you need sucked out of a spiralling attitude of negativity? Try.Start 9am:Wake up. Open cupboards in vain hope of contents. Remember challenge and decide to give it a go.To: AQAWhat's for breakfast?To: S ManningYou should have two Weetabix, for breakfast followed by a big fry up. Try and get someone else to cook it for you, as this improves the taste.10.13amGood start. Unfortunately offers no help as flat deserted and dutiful friends are at lectures. I’m also concerned about calorie counts. Is that Corporate responsibility? Aren’t they looking out for my figure? A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Suddenly remember I too have a academic commitments. Shit. Have done no reading, as ever. Thankfully, with my new personal guru, solutions are just a text away. To: AQAHow typical were the experiences of the Pastons during the Wars of the Roses?To: S ManningApologies, we were unable to find confirmation of their experiences being typical during the War of the Roses. No charge for this reply.12.42pmThanks a bunch AQA. Survive lecture, just. Returning downcast from Christ Church a tramp grabs my arm on Cornmarket. I panic, reach for the phone and hold him off for a second while I text furiously.To: AQAHave you got any spare change?To: S ManningSorry, the AQA service doesn’t have any lose change or it would gladly give you some. Try asking in the kebab shop down the road, or your parents.1.23pmParents are 400 miles away and AQA are, apparently, stingy bastards, so I don’t feel too guilty not shelling out. Hurry on to college to meet a friend for lunch. Fall into dispute about Jordan’s latest rejig and remember to settle the matter using my new best friend.To: AQADo Jordan's new tits look better or worse?To: S ManningKatie Price aka Jordan was 36C-23-34 is now 34D-24-34. She remembers, “I was totally flat-chested at school.” Most would say she looks better now.2.16pmSlightly skeptical of their figures but happy to have the matter settled, I rejoin the masses on Cornmarket to complete my daily dose of harassment. Religious nutter gets me this time but I take this chance to challenge AQA on a bigger question.To: AQAShould I accept Jesus into my life?To: S ManningWe cannot decide for you. Religion continues to play a very important role in many people’s lives. Christianity is the largest religious denomination, accounting for 33% of the world’s population.4.31pmGet home. Half-empty gin bottle is now fully empty. Am raging. To: AQAThe bastards have stolen my gin. What is an appropriate punishment?To: S ManningAQA doesn’t think that you should try to punish the people who have stolen your gin. The hangover they’ll have tomorrow will be sufficient punishment.6.45pmFriend Dave is impressed: ‘Ethically, that makes a lot of sense. That kind of advice prevents the disintegration of society.’ I say: ‘it was you, wasn’t it’. Get ready for night out as faghag to filthy gin-swigger. Try my luck with AQA…To: AQAWill I get lucky tonight?To: S ManningYou will get lucky tonight if you are confident, dress to impress, are generous, and lower your standards. Exude confidence and you will be irresistible.10.55pmDecide to go for it. Confident swagger in place, I roll up skirt and slide fit Bar Boy a two pound coin with the words “Surprise me, sweetcheeks.” Tequila and a grope later decide AQA is a bad friend. 5 shots late I forget this. Turn to AQA again.To: AQAOkly i like him, fulngog good idea?To: S ManningYou have mistakenly texted the AQA service rather than a friend. Some Valentine’s trivia: 5.2million red roses will be sent for Valentine’s in the UK x2.37amWake up. Vomit. Remember challenge. Begin to worry that I’ve given away too many personal details. Wonder who AQA is. Get paranoid.To: AQAWho are you and what do you want with me?To: S ManningAQA provides answers to any question using intelligent algorithms, databases and human researcher. We want you to have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit.8.43amFor once I take their advice, feeling uncomfortable that an SMS answering service knows me better than I know myself. Wake up the next morning with time to ask a final question. Not afraid to use it. Consider some possibilities and end up going with the big one.To: AQAShould I keep relying on AQA to determine my life's course?To: S ManningYou shouldn’t rely on anyone or anything to determine your life’s course.– Work out what you really want from life and AQA will help you along the way.Kind of them to offer. But realise this way of life is costing me a fortune at £1 a text. Make resolution to get real live friends.
Additional research by Billy Kenber

Keble 71 – 17 St. Anne's/St. John's Keble, staking their claim to retain the Cuppers title, thoroughly outplayed St. Anne’s/St. John’s in a onesided quarter final clash. They showcased what they are capable of, and proved that they remain the team to beat this year. The two teams last met in 2005, in the depths of Division Three at the beginning of Keble’s epic march to the summit of college rugby. Then, as now, the huge margin of Keble’s victory reflected a corresponding gulf in training and fitness. The Saints arrived in the quarterfinals having eked out the narrowest of victories against Worcester, their sixth straight win this season, during which they earned the Division Three title. Keble, meanwhile, were rattled by Magdalen’s spirited challenge, clawing back the lead only towards the end of a tense and brutal encounter. However, if the League and Cuppers champions know anything it is how to win, their unbeaten record stretching back more than a year. From the match’s beginning, Keble were ruthless in executing their game plan, pinning the Saints back with accurate kicks and using their well-drilled pack. Driving mauls from the line-out produced four tries in the first half alone. The experienced Brendan McKerchar at the base of the scrum and a raft of other University players marshalled the disciplined home side to make victory quickly seem inevitable. The Saints looked intimidated by their renowned opponents, and suffered from poor decision-making when in possession, allowing the Keble backs to test the defences out wide and run in tries of their own. Frustration led to a caution for Saints enforcer Ed Slack, who lashed out at his opposite number having made a fearsome covering tackle. Despite pace in the front row and throughout the pack, making them competitive at the breakdown, Saints looked bereft of answers and by half-time the match looked as if it might provide little more than kicking practice for the Keble fly-half. However, the underdogs emerged from the break looking much less cowed, with flanker George Nava leading a series of ferocious tackles to earn turnover ball. Centre Dan Simon displayed trademark panache to take advantage of one of these and sprinted over the Keble try-line, which had never before looked at all threatened. Mildly perturbed, Keble did not relax the pressure and maintained a stranglehold on the set pieces, reducing the Saints to feeding from scraps. Their glut of possession was well-used by strong runners who maintained a steady stream of tries throughout the second half. Playing for pride, the Saints were unbowed and snatched a second try through Matt Jones’ interception. While the result was beyond doubt, there was still a large and partisan crowd to impress. The match remained competitive to the last, both sides having to defend their own lines and doing so with intensity. The uniformly powerful Keble forwards drove hard at the fringes of rucks, while the Saints used their own battering rams in the shape of Stuart Hindle and Oli Adams to attempt a break-through. Keble’s technical superiority and clinical training eventually won them this contest and allowed them to open up an unassailable lead. However, the plucky Saints were able to get the last word, stringing together a genuinely impressive run of plays to put scrum-half Matt Evans-Young over in the corner. Keble laid down a marker of their superiority in this match, and their semi-final opponents will have to find a way to contain their heavy physical firepower. It is testament to their discipline and refusal to relax while on top that not since November 2006 has a side put more than 17 points on them in a league match. The Saints meanwhile should not be dispirited by defeat from the masters.by Huw Davies and Peter Wood