Saturday 19th July 2025
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Review – “Nell Gwynn”

It’s garden play season here in Oxford, and colleges across the university treat us to an abundance of productions amongst the flora and fauna. In the enchanting setting of their Master’s Garden, the University College Players have conjured both the extravagance and obscenity of thespian London during the reign of Charles II in their production of Jessica Swale’s 2013 comedy, Nell Gwynn.

The play follows the story of a young woman, Nell Gwynn (Martha West), who works her way up from orange-seller to leading London actress as she navigates the male-dominated world of the playhouse. Before long, Nell’s charisma and wit attracts the attention of the King (Benedict Turvill), and the two begin an intense affair. But how will the fiery Nell reconcile the demands of the King with her love for the stage?

For the garden setting, University College Players’ choice of play feels ideal. The audience immediately gets a sense of cheery informality as cast members sit amongst them in the first scene, or the play’s ‘prologue’, and what becomes apparent is director Emelye Molton’s desire to celebrate the light-hearted nature of Restoration era theatre, whilst highlighting the play-within-a-play motif that Swale’s script revisits continually. In my view, it is when focused on particulars of the thespian lifestyle that this production is most successful. The play’s best moments are the scenes which follow the inner workings of the theatre and the group dynamics amongst its eccentric cast of characters. Here Swale’s script excels, with comic relief offered in the form of cracking one-liners and petty playhouse rivalries. Such scenes are complimented by the debauched extravagance of Charles II’s court, and this back and forth between high and low makes it all too clear that, in spite of class divides, everyone loves a crude joke.

Particularly glorious to watch is Benedict Turvill as Charles II, whose comic presence stands out from the beginning. Martha West delivers a striking performance as the title character, supported in some of her most engaging scenes by James Walsh as her fellow player and mentor, Charles Hart. My personal favourite was Harold Serero as the camp Kynaston, who, with the affected prop of a pattered scarf, intensely mourns the loss of his beloved female roles when Nell joins the playhouse. Equally commendable alongside the acting was the musical addition to the production, composed by the director herself. This situated the audience in the world of the seventeenth century with a captivating whimsicality.

However, despite enchanting individual performances, what makes this production come together nicely is the fact it is a wholly collaborative company affair. I remember last term, in his final lecture as Cameron Mackintosh Visiting Professor of Contemporary Theatre at St Catz, Tom Stoppard gave a seemingly simple piece of advice to prospective theatre-producers in the audience: work with actors who are charming. This can certainly be said of Nell Gwynn. The audience can have no doubts about the joy and laughter that has gone into this production, and a play that is made with love is certainly a play well made.

Whilst at times transitions were somewhat clumsy and there was every now and then confusion with lines, such informality can be forgiven, as this is what gave the production its character. Moulton’s production celebrates emphatically the world of the theatre, and the play-within-a-play motif collapses in on itself as Nell joyously declares towards the end: ‘That’s all that’s in a play – the moment.’ And it is for these moments of spontaneity: a pack of geese flying overhead; the sound of the chapel organ playing the other side of the garden wall; or a joke about Nell (or West) coming on stage at the right time after a period of ad lib, that one should always see a play that promises to bring a smile to your face.

Calls for Oxford Labour Councillor to resign following ‘hateful’ posts

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Oxfordshire’s Conservative Association, Green Party, and Liberal Democrats have called for the resignation of Labour Councillor Ben Lloyd-Shogbesan, after Cherwell revealed his historic anti-semitic and homophobic posts on social media.

Oxford Labour are yet to condemn Lloyd-Shogbesan’s posts, with the City Council Leader, Councillor Susan Brown, only going as far as to call the councillor’s actions “disappointing”.

Oxford Labour have yet to confirm whether Lloyd-Shogbesan will be suspended from the party, or what disciplinary actions will be taken regarding his behaviour.

On Friday, Cherwell revealed that Lloyd-Shogbesan, Labour Councillor for Lye Valley ward, since 2010, had compared Israel to Nazi Germany; praised the actions of former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi; alluded to same sex marriages as “perversion”; and spread a conspiracy theory that cancer does not exist.

In a statement he apologised for any offence caused by the articles and videos shared by him, and for his implicit endorsement of them. He stressed that he no longer holds such views.

In a letter to Councillor Brown calling for Lloyd-Shogbesan’s resignation, Oxford Conservative Association Chairman, Tim Patmore, wrote: “We are pleased to hear that you have taken immediate action concerning the ‘inappropriate’ material Councillor Lloyd-Shogbesan posted on his social media account, and that you recognise the importance for public representatives to adhere to a standard of conduct in keeping with their responsibilities.

“We also appreciate that Councillor Lloyd-Shogbesan should be given every opportunity to give an account of his actions.

“Nevertheless, the seriousness of the content posted by the Councillor casts grave doubt on his suitability to represent Oxford’s residents.

“Assuming that the reported contents of his social media posts are borne out, OCA is calling for Councillor Lloyd-Shogbesan to recognise that his position is no longer tenable, and to tender his resignation.”

Leader of the Opposition on Oxford City Council, Liberal Democrat Councillor Andrew Gant, said: “It is sad to see the poison that is infecting the Labour Party nationally appearing here in Oxford, along with the same feeble response from the leadership.

“It is incredible that Councillor Lloyd-Shogbesan was re-selected by the Labour Party, and that he remains a Labour Councillor since these appalling comments came out. Even activists from the Labour Against Antisemitism group have called for the councillor’s immediate suspension and eventual expulsion.

“The Liberal Democrat Group on Oxford City Council calls on Councillor Susan Brown to suspend him. Councillor Lloyd-Shogbesan should also consider his own position.”

In a statement, the Oxfordshire Green Party said: “Following revelations of the hateful (anti-gay and anti-semitic) posts on Councillor Ben Lloyd-Shogbesan’s Facebook page, Greens are calling for the immediate referral of Councillor Lloyd-Shogbesan to the Council’s Standards Committee.”

Green Councillor for St Mary’s ward, Craig Simmons, who identifies as Jewish, told Cherwell: “Personally, I think he should resign or be sacked and a by-election held. Such behaviour is totally unacceptable.

“But the correct process to follow is to refer him to the  cross-party Standards Committee where his actions can be judged, the evidence scrutinised, and the correct sanctions applied. This can include a permanent or temporary suspension.

“We also need to look at the wider issue of when the posts went public and whether those Councillors who knew about them had a duty to report them sooner. It may well be significant that the posts where made before the local elections but were only reported afterwards.”

Letter to: My Freshers’ Week Fling

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“It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?” to quote Brandon Flowers. And by “like this” I mean us awkwardly avoiding eye contact, virtually running past each other when we pass in the corridor and desperately wishing we’d not had that fifth vodka lemonade.

Let’s start at the beginning: Bridge Thursday of Freshers’ Week. You were number 17 and me number 14. Those two rooms between us came to represent Belgium for the rest of Michaelmas and most of Hilary. The buffer state in the growing diplomatic crisis that was the second floor.

We spoke briefly at the JCR organised pres, it was less “When Harry Met Sally”, more Simon and Tara from The Inbetweeners. Both of us were social misfits, fresh out of secondary school and curious to test drive adulthood. We were soon both reminded how immature we actually were.

I can’t remember which one of us first made eyes at the other- whatever “eyes” are, but before we knew it we were Murray and Federa in the Wimbledon tonsil tennis final.  We made the usual Freshers’ week small talk down High Street, through the Plodge, across the quad and up the staircase. We must be going to mine, I thought to myself, not realising that we’d already passed number 14. By the time my faculties had caught up with me it was too late. I didn’t consider the consequences in the moment, who does though?

Brilliant. I thought to myself as a stared at the bedroom ceiling the next morning. 11,000 undergraduates at this university and you had to sleep with the one who you share a microwave and a bog with. Little consolidation came in the fact the walk of shame was only 12 feet.

The aftermath of the entire situation could have been handled far better. I shouldn’t have left while you were still asleep. You shouldn’t have ignored me when we ended up sitting next to each other at lunch the next day.

I don’t think we hate each other—unless you think otherwise. All I know is its just so bloody awkward. The sudden panic when we both find ourselves alone in the kitchen together, the awkward shuffle when were both meet at the bathroom door. If we were more adult we might have moved on, talked it out, perhaps even gone on a date.

But we weren’t adults, you were a freckly girl in the dungaree dress, I was a spotty boy in the Banksy t-shirt. Neither of us were destined to be Union president or blues rugby captain (not that we would subscribe to such indicators of popularity). But for a brief few hours, we helped each other leave behind the insecurities that dogged us for most of our school years. We showed each other that university really is a place of experimentation and excitement.

I guess what I’m trying to say in a twisted sort of way is thank you. I think we learnt a lot from each other. I hope one day we can be friends— or at least one hold a conversation in the corridor kitchen over our Pot Noodles.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Trashing is one of those ever-so-slightly dirty words. Like a bunch of things at uni, it’s something you do with your friends now and again, but aren’t likely to tell your parents about. Leaving the picturesque cobbles of Merton Street spread with a sticky layer of Cava-scented shaving foam; parading noisily down the High Street picking silly string out of your hair as normal people try and get on with their days: it’s all just a bit too self-aggrandising, a bit too Oxford. The revelation in this newspaper a couple weeks ago that the University coughs up £25,000 a year to keep the crowds controlled and the streets clean didn’t exactly help the image.

And yet, we do it. Ritualistically, mechanically, we show up on hot Trinity mornings and cover our friends in a strange combination of sticky substances, all the while feeling ever so slightly guilty. Why? Just because we can?

Picture, if you can, your college library over the last few weeks. The place is a war zone. Bony faces, bearing the unmistakable scars of vitamin D deprivation and caffeine overload, snatch desperate 20-minute naps in the drool-pools of overdue books, pages stuck together with the lethal cocktail Galaxy Caramel and sweat. No one showers. No one leaves. The unnecessarily loud wall clocks tick, tick, tick away the minutes: meet the finalists.

After months of migraine-inducingly dull revision schedules, of panicked email exchanges with uninterested tutors, and sleepless nights contemplating your future beyond the castle walls, finals arrive. Over the next few weeks, thousands of students will sit in Exam Schools and write and write like their lives depend on it. Like their futures depend on it. Like their parents are depending on it. And that’s probably because that’s how important these exams feel. Of course, I’m generalising – some people are lucky enough to have the temperament to take finals like they take showers. But if you look around right now, you will see the accumulation of months of anxiety, boredom and tiredness lining the streets of Oxford.

Which is where trashing comes in. What better response to the fear and the worry than shaving foam and silly string? To be able to grin and scream and neck cheap fizz and feel as light and as joyful as a kid at your birthday party; to find in the very silliness and stupidity of being pelted with powder paint the realisation that it was just an essay in a very old building; that life is bigger and richer than difference between a 2.i and a first; that your future is longer and more brilliant than the job offer from Newton Investment; and that your friends are grinning back at you, because they’re bloody proud.

Finalists can come out of Exam Schools jubilant, or exhausted, or utterly crushed. But a few quid a head seems like a small price to pay to help them remember that life goes on after the papers are collected, whatever mark you get.

Blind Date: “He offered to buy me a drink but I politely declined.”

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Megan Healy,First Year, Biochemistry, Corpus Christi

Going into the date I was very ner- vous, as this isn’t the kind of thing I normally do. I arrived and spotted my date who was unmistakeable on the basis that he was standing alone outside of the pub. Things got off to a good start as we chatted about colleges, sports, JCR committees – standard Oxford chat. James offered to buy me my drink, which was kind, but I politely declined (#feminism). We were soon interrupted by a large group of rowdy men who made it impossible to sustain small talk, so we moved elsewhere. Conversation flowed well over dinner as we avoided awkward silences by complaining about how spicy our food was. After three hours had passed the date drew to a natural conclusion and James politely walked me back to Corpus. Overall I was pleased that the night wasn’t an awkward disaster – in fact, I enjoyed it.

First impressions?

I liked that he had made an effort and wore a white shirt.

Quality of the chat?

Decent, but no sparks flying.

Most awkward moment?

Saying goodbye. To hug or not to hug?

Kiss or miss?

Miss.

James Hartley, Second Year, PPE, Worcester

Overall the date was really cute. I didn’t realise I had been signed up and we were both (I think) relieved to find that the other person was normal. Megan informed me early on that she was a massive lightweight and went straight for the half pint. She is massively into travelling so we talked a lot about places we had been and where she wanted to go in the future. I struggled a little bit to find common ground as we did not really share any interests or taste in music. However, with the exception of rowing periodically slipping its way in and a bit of classic ‘gap yah’ chat she was quite funny and interesting. There were never any awkward silences. Indeed, apart from a group of absolutely binned men throwing stuff around and harassing the bar staff, everything went pretty well. After that we bailed and went to get Thai food and a few more drinks.

First impressions?

She was very polite and confident.

Quality of the chat?

Pretty good overall, with the exception of rowing.

Most awkward moment?

Weirdly, I didn’t do anything too socially awkward for a change.

Kiss or miss?

No shared interests, so miss.

 

Changing the course of history

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In his novel The Go-Between, L.P. Hartley wrote that “the past is a different country; they do things differently there.” It’s a statement reflective of the allure and strangeness that comes with a retrospective gaze, reflecting the metamorphic power of time, whether in changing a person from childhood to adulthood, a city from decade to decade, or an ancient civilisation from rise to ruin.

However, obsessed our society may be with the promise of progress, of moving forward and improving, there remains in most of us an unshakeable fascination with the past.Whether in the enduring popularity of historical fiction, or in the constant appeal of nostalgia and re-watching our favourite childhood films, the cultural zeitgeist is constantly affected by a creative fixation with history.

Christopher Booker’s theory of “The Seven Basic Plots” gave birth to the popular idea that all fiction can be divided into seven stories. The academic validity of this theory has had aspersions cast upon it by experts, but there is an undeniable appeal to the logic behind the idea.

It is hard to deny, when appreciating the scope of fiction, that there does seem to exist a penchant for recurring patterns and tropes. The “rags-to-riches” story, for example, has held unwavering popularity from Cinderella to Rocky, the “hero’s journey” is visible everywhere from the Homeric epics to Harry Potter.

But in spite of these obvious patterns, it seems inescapably reductive to try to condense all the art people have created across generations and nations into a handful of archetypes.

The idea that we have been telling the exact same stories over and over again is demonstrably false, and the effects of current events and contemporary realities on works are undeniable.

It is hard to argue that Animal Farm, for instance, could have been written without the inspiration of the Russian Revolution, or that Kurt Vonnegut would have penned Slaughterhouse Five had he not experienced World War II. The stories we tell change over time as they reflect the world around us. But sometimes that change comes with the reshaping of our memories.

Orange Prize winner Madeline Miller, for example, has done what so many classicists have done before her and retold The Iliad and The Odyssey. But Miller’s retellings – which come in the shape of her novels The Song of Achilles and Circe – are clearly reframed to draw out new stories from some of the oldest works in Western literary tradition with the benefit of a modern gaze.

Miller is a Classics teacher with a passion for Homer’s works, but both her retellings are borne of an inherent frustration with the original material or the way history has remembered it. The Song of Achilles reframes The Illiad as a love story between Achilles and Patroclus, acting as an argument against academics who claimed that such a romance would never have been included by Homer. Circe is Miller’s rebellion against Homer himself – her frustration at the lack of female characters in epic literature and the fact that the original Circe’s episode reduced her to an obstacle for Odysseus to vanquish drove her to centre her version of the epic in women and female power.

There’s something undeniably powerful when current ideas about LGBTQ+ Rights or Feminism are transplanted into the works that are woven into the historical fabric of our society. It is an implicit acknowledgement that the empowerment of women, or members of the LGBTQ+ community, is something that should have been historically normalised, as opposed to a result of newfangled ‘political correctness’. The temptation to reimagine old works with our modern socio-political lens is difficult to resist. Instead of discontinuing our appreciation for works that we can now see are laced with period-typical bigotry, it feels creatively empowering to rework them, to thread our own ideas and identities into the stories that are familiar to us, that shaped the society we live in.

This love affair with the past is innate to human beings, because, as George Orwell put it, “the most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history”.

We are drawn to this kind of collective look backwards at our social DNA, but intrinsically linked with this retrospective tendency is the need to grapple with the flaws we perceive in bygone times, the differences between our time and the times past preserved in stories.

The works of Shakespeare, for example, have etched indelible marks on the English language, and the popular and academic cultures and storytelling traditions of the whole world. The Taming of the Shrew has long-frustrated modern audiences, the comedy of manners ending jarringly with a monologue in which the spitfire lead character, Katherine, declares not just her subservience to her husband, but the inferiority of females to males.

Instead of consigning the ‘problem’ play to the shadows of obscurity however, contemporary directors have set their sights on grappling with the residue of the deeply entrenched misogyny of a bygone time and repurposing it as a platform upon which to critique modern issues. A recent production of the play, for instance, framed the final monologue as a hostage video, whilst another employed an entirely male cast to perform in this “battle of the sexes.” And a repertoire as extensive as Shakespeare’s provides innumerable lenses by which archaic stories can be used as tools with which to deconstruct current issues.

A collection of 17th century English plays have been immortalised and constantly reincarnated, moulded and shaped to reflect the stories and values of a myriad of societies and cultures. Haider, a 2014 Indian film, reimagines Hamlet as a look at the Kashmir territory conflict in 1995; Disney re-envisioned the same play as a bildungsroman set in the African savannah, The Lion King. The star-crossed lovers Romeo & Juliet have had their tragic tale echoed in everything from West Side Story to High School Musical to Gnomeo and Juliet.

Stories are not told to be forgotten, and we should expect that they carry their history forward with them. Even something as simple as the nursery rhyme “ring-a ring-a roses,” a refrain as common on playgrounds as a swings or slides, is burdened by the story of Bubonic plague. Although urban skylines are hewn with skyscrapers that reach higher and higher each day, the appeal of visiting fairytale castles and old stately homes never diminishes.

However, many new children’s books come out, parents never stop telling the same fairy tales before bed. The fact is, the stories from the past have endured, have continued to echo across generations, because they appeal to some intrinsic facet of our experience. Our nature, as a society, as a culture, is to remember our past, not to abandon it. Even as technology and science advances, our memory grows no less strong. Art is, at its crux, a form of self-expression, and when so much of the self is informed by one’s history and by one’s past, it is inevitable that artists will work with history as with any other material. They will explore the world as it is now by re-examining what it once looked like.

Colleges share more similarities than differences

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I can’t help but feel that comparing colleges is like comparing one Michelin-starred restaurant to another: an Oxford degree is an Oxford degree, and not something to be sneered at, regardless of whether it came from Harris Manchester, the poorest of the Oxford colleges, or Christ Church.

When I was looking around the various Oxford colleges on an open day, I was told by a current undergraduate: “It doesn’t matter where you get in; everyone ends up loving the college they go to.” Yet, the disparity in endowments has created comparisons between college wealth and academic success.

But colleges’ teaching have more similarities than differences. Teaching is coordinated by the faculties and there are esteemed tutors across the University. We all go to the same lectures and colleges often source tutors from other colleges, further  blurring distinctions. While the stock of books across the college libraries does fluctuate, the key libraries are university-wide. I doubt Magdalen and New College have a special first degree serum only procured by greasing a vendor with cash from their deep pockets. Having spoken to people at these colleges, the main difference seems to be that of academic pressure.

In my college – Trinity – we are expected to get a 2.i in collections, while at Magdalen, undergraduates are typically expected to get a first. While the correlation between wealth and academic excellence is undeniable, I think it can be largely chalked up to just that: correlation, not direct causation.

Applicants are likely to be aware of their college’s relative assets and ranking on the Norrington Table, leading high-ability applicants to apply to the high-ranking colleges and thus perpetuating the status quo.

As a student of a relatively wealthy college, I have found that while my college makes concessions in some areas, offering free printing, we are still liable to being fleeced in other aspects of college life: it makes me slightly nauseous to think how much I have paid for subject dinners or Halfway Hall, where alcohol wasn’t even included.

What most frustrates me about the endowment information is not the disparity between the colleges, but the clear fact that most colleges could not only exist, but continue to thrive without the necessity of the £9,000 tuition fees from each of its students. While the sum is a drop in the water for colleges, it forces the majority of students to rack up alarming debt. Every college’s endowments increased in the past financial year to reach a dizzying £4.57 billion.

The real victim here doesn’t seem to be Harris Manchester, with its £27 million in assets – it is me and you, with a student loan sword of Damocles hanging over our heads when we leave Oxford and its billions behind.

The ultimate essay crisis sandwich

It’s just gone midnight and, faced with a reading list more than double the envisaged length and a day’s coffee count that can’t be safe, you quickly realise that there’s still a long while to go before you’ll be able to get to sleep.

This would all normally be fine, except you all too eagerly went down to Hall at 5pm, and so as you sit huddled over your desk, you suddenly hear the low, irritated growl of an unsatisfied stomach. It’s time to waddle the twenty-or-so feet from your room to the kitchen and whisk up that perfect dish to get you through your all-nighter.

With any luck, leftovers remain from when your parents dropped you off at the start of term, so we kick off with a frozen pitta bread. (HOT TIP: If you microwave this for around 30 seconds before toasting, it will puff up, making it much easier to put in the desired filling). Because most people on your floor have probably gone to sleep by now, it’s safe to break out the tuna. Combine with a ‘special thousand island’ for a salad cream spin on your classic ketchup-mayo combo, plus a hint of any random spice that happens to be lying around. Not too much sauce to be added, (we don’t want a soggy pitta), but just enough to make sure that you’re not battling with the perils of dry tuna flakes as you munch your way through the next item on the reading list.

While the pitta is finishing its toasting, you can sort the optional avocado. Some prefer to mash into a guac-like substance, but if it’s texture you’re after I’d recommend long slices. Place these upright in the pitta at regular intervals, with tuna in the gaps. And because no one’s around to judge you (except perhaps Cherwell readers to whom you ill-advisedly choose to relate your nighttime exploits), we must finish this off with cheese. Grated is preferable, fine slices at a pinch, layered on top of the bread and shoved in the microwave for a conservative forty seconds (if you hear the crackling of overdone cheese, I’m afraid you’ll have to start over). Some sort of seasoning across the top wouldn’t go amiss (pepper, chilli, whiskey).

Finish with a side of crisps, or some iceberg lettuce if you’re that way inclined.

Enjoy, briefly, and get straight back to work, safe in the knowledge that there’s a Thousand Island Tuna-Avo Cheese Monster on its way to soothe all your essay-crisis troubles.

A whole new ball game

Teddy Hall Ball, held on Saturday of first week, offered the optimal stomach lining for a ball night. Pizza is definitely a must, and Cotswold Pizza Co. were there to resolve those cravings. For those who wanted something a bit more interesting could turn to Jamon Jamon Paella, who had one massive pan going and offered some great bowl food.

The two undisputable highlights of Teddy Ball food, however, were certainly Nando’s and Anna Mae’s Mac ‘n’ Cheese. While the food unfortunately was not available all night, anyone who felt cheeky early on in the night could grab a Nando’s chicken for the dancefloor– definitely suitable for a long night of drinking. Yet the mac ‘n’ cheese was the best that could be offered at the ball. With different flavours and toppings, if the massive bang of mac ‘n’ cheese was not enough to get someone’s mouth watering, their fun and varied menu certainly was. Perfect for stomach lining, drunk food or even just a yummy snack, Anna Mae’s can definitely be considered a necessity for any future balls.

Ultimately though, Lincoln College Ball at the end of second week fulfilled anyone’s dreams for food at a ball. I could have, and to be fair almost did, spend the whole evening eating something different. Following from the theme, ‘Viatores’, each quad had food themed to a different city. In Istanbul, we were treated to baklawa and kebab wraps– no need to trek down the road to Hassan’s at the end of the night. In Florence, we could grab a pot of polenta chips and a slice of undeniably the best pizza in Oxford from The White Rabbit. Finally, Barcelona had Westgate’s delicious Los Churros Amigos as well as delicious paella, with the best thing being that you could just return throughout the night for top ups.

As if that weren’t enough, there was a whole cheese and wine room, as well as alcoholic milkshakes being served by Alc-au-lait in the JCR next to a tequila luge. Which brings me onto the drinks, which included much more than just random vodka mixers that you could get in someone’s room pres for Bridge. Loads of cocktails were around, with mojitos being especially popular, as well as craft beer and wine. Ultimately, if someone didn’t leave Lincoln Ball well fed and suitably ‘hydrated’, then they must have been doing something wrong. What else could be better to keep someone going at the best Silent Disco in Oxford/Istanbul, and ultimately throughout the best foodie night in Trinity.

With tickets sold out in under three minutes, ‘Apophis’ certainly lived up to the annual spectacle that is Keble Ball. While White Rabbit pizza and Jamon Jamon paella seem to be this year’s crowdpleasers, making their presence known at more balls than one, Keble also mixed it up with tasty meat-free options that kept most from renouncing their part-time vegetarianism a few drinks into the night. Taste Tibet’s momos and chick pea curries proved popular, alongside Oli Baba’s indulgent halloumi fries, topped with enough pomegranate seeds to least in part validate the £100 entry. A mere sighting of the dessert options on offer confirmed the conception of an inevitable food baby, thanks to Naked Dough’s generous scoops of honeycomb cookie dough and even a taste of home comfort, provided by Crumble Shack’s warm apple crumble. If Apophis indeed marked the end of life as we know it, at least it was with a generous mixture of custard, wine and crumbs down our dresses and jackets.

I Need a Dollar

With five-pound pints, library fines, and an inability not to use contactless in clubs, we students avoid talking about costs, at all costs. Yeah, we do budget, the standard vodka for pres has gone from Absolut, to Smirnoff, to Sainsbury’s, and by now you’ve realised Spoons is the only place worth going. But life is just about getting by on basics beans until the next loan payment comes in and you can splash out on some Heinz. Luckily, from the Wu-Tang Clan to the guy-from-Wham, everyone loves moaning about money. Check out our tracks below, using Spotify free (who the fuck can afford premium!)

Image credit: CheapFullCoverageAutoInsurance.com / CC BY 2.0