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Which film best represents your college?

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Oxford colleges are known for their own quirks, stemming from the rich history of the University. Inspired by these traits, here’s the Cherwell guide to movies that reflect the gimmicks of our homes away from home.

Brasenose: Incongruent duos are the name of the game at Brasenose, with the college recently receiving renown for David Cameron’s encounter with a porky, pink playmate. It therefore only seems apt to liken this college then to Babe, which also recounts the development of another equally touching relationship between man and pig.

Corpus Christi: Continuing the theme of politicians, this college was home for three years to DC’s arch-nemesis: the bacon sandwich-scoffing, kitchen fanatic, fratricidal ex-leader of the opposition, on your ‘Ead son Miliband. It has been rumoured (unconfirmed), that his half-brother, Wallace Miliband, appeared in the seminal classic Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, though latest info suggests Wallace has now sought out police protection in order to escape Ed’s brother-killing tendencies.

Merton: Reddit reliably informs this author that Empire by Andy Warhol is the most boring film ever made. Allegedly comprised of merely one uncut 485 minute long single shot of the Empire state building, this feels to be an apt fit for the college in which ‘fun goes to die’. Though perhaps this is a bit unfair on Empire, as cinema viewers only have to grit their teeth and bear with almost seven hours of the film, whereas Mertonians must deal with three years of tedium. Yikes.

St. Catz: An inordinate usage of CGI (otherwise known as fake images) cedes quite poetically for the ghastly modernism that characterises the architectural style of St Catz (otherwise known as fake Oxford). Likewise, its irritating insistence that it’s different makes Catz comparable to perhaps the most universally loathed character to grace the big screen: Jar Jar Binks. That’s right, St. Catherine’s is the Oxford college equivalent of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Sometimes newer is just not better.

Lady Margaret Hall: LMH’s infamy for its stupendous distance from the centre of Oxford means that a comparison with The Hobbit Trilogy has to be made. Having to watch 474 minutes to get to the end of this mind-bendingly and utter unnecessarily long film is akin to the walk from LMH to the Exam Schools, the train station, or indeed, anywhere. Some LMH students have perished on an unexpected journeys, with causes of death including being eaten by a giant spider in the forest of Cowley and being burned alive in Smaug’s cave at the top of the Carfax Tower. Ouch.

Wadham: When we see Wadhamites marching down the high-street with military uniformity, holding aloft portraits of Stalin, Mao and Marx all to the glorious fanfare of trumpets, drums and cymbals, the comparison with any Communist propaganda film has already been made for this author. Anti-establishment iconoclasm is their speciality, with the semi-burning of Christ Church’s hall allegedly a protest against their ‘elitist’ formals.

Oriel: In The Martian, by all accounts Mark Watney should have died at least 17 times: his persistence made one wonder whether more sinister, other-worldly forces were keeping him alive and well. This feeling will strike a chord with all ‘Orielians’ too, with their nagging sense that the statute of Rhodes should also have died or fallen a long time ago.

The Devil’s Advocate: More heat than light—a critique of English press coverage of Northern Ireland

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Many a regime has been laid low by the ravages of fate and fortune: revolutions, palace coups, sex scandals, assassinations. But wood pellets? Governments have been cut down by sharper sabres. Even so, this blunt little bludgeon beat its way through the Northern Ireland Executive one MLA at a time. The Renewable Heat Incentive (RHI) scandal, contained loopholes large enough for Leviathan to swim through, and is predicted to cost the taxpayers of Northern Ireland an estimated £490 million.

The refusal of Arlene Foster to temporarily stand aside as First Minister for an inquiry (as her predecessor did during a period of scandal) led to the resignation of the Deputy First Minister, Martin McGuinness. Under the terms of the power-sharing agreement, the First Minister is not permitted to remain in office without a Deputy, and so Mrs Foster too was forced to stand down. James Brokenshire, Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, frantically grappled with the Executive and Assembly as they slid along the precipitous slope towards that dreaded prospect: election! Northern Ireland descended into turmoil. The infernal fire of wood pellets paid for by the RHI scandal blazed across the province, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rode through a Hadean sky heralding election day!

A bit excessive, I’m sure you’ll agree. But that is what it felt like reading the English press’ reaction to the events in Northern Ireland over the past month. They were all doom and gloom, perforated with words like “crisis”, “catastrophe”, and “disaster”. To read them one would have thought the province had ground to a halt, that all sense of normality was obviated, that life itself was unlivable.

I consider there to be two possible reasons for this hyperbolic assessment. Either these outlets were in the business of sensationalising the political developments of Northern Ireland, or they possessed certain misapprehensions as to the nature of the province’s politics. Either way, on the ground, the response to the month’s events was quite nonchalant. People went about their daily lives, popping into the shops to buy milk, making the daily commute to school or work, and generally just getting on with whatever needed to be done.

The RHI scandal was a cause for anger, of course. £490 million does not go up in smoke without a few frowns. But one can hardly claim the place is in crisis simply because an election is necessitated. Like most any other Western democracy, it’s met with little more than rolling eyes and a sense of mild annoyance as candidates scurry around houses desperately trying to secure support for their seats. This is not a disaster—this is a democracy.

The apocalyptic fearmongering will have, admittedly, little effect upon the Irish, who are far too cynical to think anything so petty as provincial politics would get in the way of their everyday lives. As an Irishman myself, I can vouch for the claim. Humorously, it is oft-remarked (perhaps unfairly, but not unreasonably) that the only piece of “intriguing” legislation which Stormont passed was the introduction of a 5p charge on plastic bags. I’d say that’s probably the bottom rung of the excitement ladder, even as legislation goes.

People are little concerned by the squabbles of Stormont, regarding many of its members as petulant and often infantile in their politics and antics. It is an important indicator of the increasing normalisation of Northern Irish politics, that they place little stock in their leaders and are more concerned with the day-to-day lives they have to lead. One lady I know, devotee of the noble art (and craft) of crochet, rolled her eyes as the local news announced the upcoming election, turned casually and remarked: “It’ll hardly bring down the price of wool.” People have more important things to worry about than politics, and thank goodness that is the case.

But the reports of the press have been unhelpful throughout the UK as a whole. They spread an unhealthy image of Northern Ireland as a volatile and unstable province (an outdated caricature if ever there was one). They encourage Westminster to mollycoddle the Northern Ireland Government, instead of allowing it to find its own solutions to the nuanced and area-specific problems it faces. Ultimately, they ignore the reality that politics is not the fundamental concern of the people of Northern Ireland. Real change, real progress, is driven on the ground by community projects, good citizenship, neighbourly integration, and getting on with life. An election in Northern Ireland, like any other part of the UK, should be greeted not with the pessimism of peril, but with the optimism of promise. When Northern Ireland goes to the polls on the 2 March, 2017, I expect their message to “folks on the hill” will be this: “Get back to work like the rest of us!” Life goes on, and so will Northern Ireland.

Preview: Edward II

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Walking into the rehearsal space mid-scene, I was immediately struck by the passion and intimacy which Calam Lynch’s Edward and Sam Liu’s Gaveston shared, and felt like I was intruding upon a private space. The desperation on Calam Lynch’s face as he attempted to prolong his kiss with Gaveston, who had finally backed away, was very moving. But monarchs are seldom entitled to a private life, and this is a play in which the king’s choice of sexual partner is seen as ruinous for the kingdom, or, at the very least, used as a pretext by power-hungry nobles hoping to usurp him.

Within this context, the choice of a 1980’s setting is inspired, as it provides a backdrop against which Gaveston can be played as a political activist in an ‘ACT UP’ t-shirt, whilst the homophobia of the other characters is all too plausible. Picking bits and pieces from all manner of 80’s culture and sub-culture, from punk to New Romanticism, via Bowie and Brutalism, director Charlotte Vickers and costume designer Marcus Knight-Adams have an extremely original and visually impressive aesthetic vision for the play.

Alongside homosexuality, this is a play about espionage, betrayal, and, above all, power. Marked by long periods of threats and inaction, but interspersed with sudden outbreaks of dramatic violence, the Cold War parallels drawn in this production, at first perhaps surprising, seem entirely apt. In the two scenes I witnessed, multiple characters looked on at the action, before sneaking onstage surreptitiouslythis is a world where everyone watches and is watched.

One such intrusion saw Isabella (Rosa Garland) interrupt Edward and Gaveston’s moment, marking a complete sea-change, and the blocking quickly established the fact that Edward was caught between his wife and his lover. From the little I saw, the production seems to have struck an intriguing balance between a sympathetic and more critical portrayal of Isabella’s character. With both Edward and Gaveston raging against her, even having the audacity to stage a long and passionate kiss to rile her, I certainly pitied her.

However, the way Isabella spat out ‘Ganymede’, referring to Gaveston, had the weight of a homophobic slur, and, though the wronged wife, she was far from helpless. Seeming to wrestle with her conscience whilst planning a daring invasion of England in a later scene I witnessed, it was just as she had seemed to justify her intention, on the grounds that Edward was ‘betraying’ his country, that Joe Stephenson’s seductive Mortimer Jr. snuck up and put his arms around her. Returning his kiss with equal enthusiasm and leading him excitedly offstage, I was reminded that she was a royal with her own transgressive desires.

I could go on waxing lyrical about the many moments of brilliance which this play has to offer, however I should probably stop spoiling it and conclude by recommending that you definitely see this show, which promises to be one of the dramatic highlights of the year. And, with its 80’s music, fashion and stark LED lighting, the perfect pre-Cellar spectacle.

Edward II will show at the Oxford Playhouse, from 25-28 January.

Oxford students join Women’s March against Trump

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A group of around 100 Oxford students, tutors, families and local activists joined the ‘Women’s March on London’ yesterday, organised as part of a global coalition of resistance against the Trump presidency, and for, “the protection of our fundamental rights and for the safeguarding of our freedoms”.

The group marched under a banner reading, “Those who do not move, do not notice their chains. OXFORD RISES”, a quote from feminist revolutionary Rosa Luxemburg.

Members of Oxford’s longest running acapella group the Alternotives led chants such as, “tell me what democracy looks like? this is what democracy looks like!”, and, “back up back up, we want freedom, freedom, all these racist sexist systems, we don’t need ’em, need ’em,” as the protesters walked from the US Embassy in Grosvenor Square to a rally in Trafalgar Square. 

Miriam Stewart, one of the organisers of the Oxford Block, told Cherwell: “I marched today because I believe in the absolute importance of respecting and preserving basic human rights.

“I marched today because I believe in absolute equality for all. I marched because I believe we should all be supported and enabled in living lives of dignity. I marched in solidarity with my sisters and non-binary siblings who find their already vulnerable freedoms even further under threat during a Trump presidency.

“I marched for the preservation of our planet. I marched for the beauty and joy in our vibrant and diverse communities. I marched for all those who were not able to march.”

She described the atmosphere in London as “empowering”, where an estimated 100,000 protesters took to the streets to register their anger with America’s new administration.

Hundreds of thousands marched across the United States, including around half a million in Washington DC. The protest there was notably larger than the crowd for Trump’s inauguration the previous day.

Members of the Oxford Block had met that morning at the Iffley Road squat to produce banners, working alongside its homeless residents. Henry—a homeless artist usually found selling his work at the Woodstock Road bus stop—painted a depiction of Oxford’s skyline on the ‘Oxford Rises’ banner.

Further Oxford residents, unable to travel to London, established their own protest in Oxford as a show of solidarity, attracting several dozen people. The group marched down Broad Street from the Carfax tower to the Sheldonian Theatre, chanting, “build bridges not walls”.

Sophie Scott, an organiser, told the Oxford Mail: “I just felt impassioned and motivated by the march in London.

“I felt like we needed to balance out some of the more radical language that has been used lately and add humanity and acceptance into the way we talk to each other.”

The organisers of the Oxford contingent now intend to continue to work towards, “[the] liberation of people and preservation of planet, and how we can support and stand in solidarity with our American friends both in Oxford and in the USA!”

Wavey Garms and stylistic revival

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Wavey Garms started out as a British based unregulated site on Facebook with over 60,000 members who can sell and purchase vintage items in a market type exchange. Wavey Garms has since become much more than an underground online marketplace. It’s a ‘brand’ that has been integrated into the high-street with stores such as Urban Outfitters and All Saints bringing out ranges of puff a jackets, H&M, and River Island with mock Versace-style chain shirts and a general imitation of this style on online retailers such as Boohoo, Motel Rock, or Misguided.

Naturally, the brands whose vintage items often appeared on Wavey Garms have since officially re-launched the same old styles—such is the case of New Balance, Adidas, and Nike.

Wavey Garms is a stylistic hark back to the attention-grabbing originality of the late 80s and early 90s married to our contemporary fast paced cyber-reality that makes ‘what’s cool’ more fl uid and volatile than ever.

A spokesperson for Wavey Garms comments in indication of this reality, stating that: “Six months ago we had loads of postings for Nike Huarache trainers. Everyone wanted them. Since then there’s been a serious influx—if you try and sell a pair people will post: ‘Bit late mate’.”

Wavey Garms is the cultural product of the younger ‘Generation Y’ in Britain. Its specific turn to the vintage and the unofficially decentralised model has much to say about the emerging attitudes and anxieties the youth of Britain have today.

The Journal of Economic Psychology published an article in late 2015 titled ‘Money and the fear of death: The symbolic power of money as an existential anxiety buffer’, outlining how the accumulation of material capital acts as a psychological crutch enabling the accumulator to feel a sense of purpose and achievement that dulls the human condition of death anxiety.

The emerging adults of Britain today are inheritors of Thatcherite monetarism and the New Labour rhetoric that claimed everyone has purchasing power. Pure consumerism is no longer a virtue or achievement in itself. Rather it is who can purchase in the most original, the most groundbreaking way. Particularly as a youth whose formative years were under the narrative of the 2008 recession and Tory Austerity, materialism in itself is clearly not equivalent to security and so innovation is the only indicator that can ‘leave a mark’.

The very self-creation of Wavey Garms as an independent digital outlet is a testament to this grass-root consumer driven innovation.

It is also important to cast a wondering eye into why it is the late 80s and early 90s which are being pulled back into the future. They are years associated with hope and potential regeneration after years of austere difficulty. These years’ stylistic re-incarnation draws from their empowering attitude, instead of submitting to an anxiety that makes this generation feel like it is the first that will have it worse off than their parents.

Review: ‘White Trash’ by Nancy Isenberg

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The white working class is back in vogue. Never since the great society, fifty years ago, when senators and presidents went to rural Appalachia to take photographs with old miners with black lung and brown teeth, has the media cared so much about the white working class. Trump hails them for his victory. Leftist remnants are trying to get the Democratic Party to pivot towards the white working class, while the alt-right celebrates them as a nationalist constituency.

So you would think in the middle of this a scholarly account of an often forgotten group in American politics would give insight into the current political climate.

Sadly Nancy Isenberg’s White Trash is a shoddily written screed that repeats the same story over and over—a story anyone who has spent more than fifteen minutes looking at American culture could have already told you, namely, that rich people look down at poor people and mock them.

You might think I am being too uncharitable to the book. Surely a work published by a professor of American history at Louisiana State University, would have a more nuanced thesis than “rich white folks make a mockery of poor white folk”. Yet that is exactly the entire thesis. Never is there any attempt at analysis of poor white culture, or at the role poor whites had in shaping their own destiny (or lack thereof). Indeed,
the title would be more accurate if it read Rich Whites, because it is they, not White Trash, who are at all times at the centre of the book.

Isenberg goes chronologically in her whirlwind tour of American history, starting with how Richard Hakluyt said, in 1584, that any English North American colonies must be made of the wretches and waste of England. Hakluyt comes up repeatedly in the course of the book—according to Isenberg, others influenced by thinking include Mitt Romney, Theodore Roosevelt, Thomas Paine, and Thomas Jefferson.

In any such whirlwind tour of history, naturally details would be lost and simplifications made in order to fit all the necessary information into one book. However, Isenberg is too willing to simplify and omit in order to fit her facile thesis within the 321 pages of her book. She focuses nearly entirely on the south—a naïve reader could be forgiven for thinking that poor whites don’t exist north of the Potomac River.

She makes no mention of white working class movements such as the Workingman’s Party of California, which was the main impetus of the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, and makes scarce a mention of major figures in the late 19th century Populist movement. And as for the snobs who disrespected the working class, Isenberg doesn’t even mention the man who did more than anyone else to shape how educated Americans viewed their poorly educated compatriots, H.L. Mencken. For Isenberg, every white is an Anglo Saxon, and that’s good enough for her. But aren’t the Irish immigrants of 1840, the Italians of 1890, and the Russians of 1920 also white workers? Why are they not included in this volume?

This book is a missed opportunity. Now, as the white working class is rising in revolt against the political and cultural system which has covered America for the past generation, it is imperative for someone to write a comprehensive history of ‘white trash’ as white working class. Not through our educated liberal eyes, but through their own eyes. This book can give you some anachronistic insults for them, and little else.

Yayha Jammeh refuses to leave the pool table

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Cherwell has been told that Yahya Jammeh, President(ish) of the Gambia, has been found by the pool table of a bar, drunkenly refusing to leave despite the bar’s “winner stays on” policy.

This is in fact not the first time that Yahya Jammeh has shown disrespect for the informal policy, having assumed his status as Bar Pool Champion by threatening to glass the previous pool champion, President Sir Dawda Jawara, with a bunch of his reportedly “well hard mates” in 1996.

It is believed that Adama Barrow hammered Yahya Jammeh in a game of eight-ball pool, after which he told the bar “well when the eight ball goes down, the eight ball goes down.” He then jovially settled down into his seat with a drink.

However, things turned sour as Barrow proceeded to deposit 50p for the game, and Yahya Jammeh was heard yelling down the phone to his “well hard mates” that the game was in fact “total bollocks” and that “there’s no way I’m letting this pretender take my pool table” shortly before refusing to relinquish his cue, and waving it with menacing and vague intent in Adama Barrow’s direction.

Adama Barrow has since yelled that he wants the bar manager to investigate the pool table for evidence of tampering, despite the fact that no one has been allowed to touch the table since he assumed the Champion title, with many strong pool players being mysteriously barred from playing against Jammeh in the last year.

The bar manager, despite initially promising to come to check the table by the end of January, has since phoned in to say “this actually doesn’t seem that important,” and has instead promised to check in March if Jammeh and Barrow haven’t stopped arguing by then.

In an effort to calm tensions and resume the playing of pool—a vital component of the pub for any group of friends who can only kind of stand each other’s conversation—several West African leaders have piled into a taxi to the pub, and are reportedly offering Jammeh glasses of water and a nice bit of fresh air, and have suggested that he should probably let some other guys play pool while he settles down for a bit.

The flatmates of Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari, colloquially known as the House of Representatives have offered to let Yahya crash on their couch. This has disappointed many others who live in said block of flats, who consider Yahya Jammeh to be “a prick.”

NOTE: President Mohammed Abdel Aziz of Mauritania appears to have  helped  Jammeh into a cab home. Let’s hope he drinks some water before he goes to bed.

In conversation with the creators of ‘STOP’

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One of the latest pieces of new writing to emerge in Oxford is STOP, a new musical written by Annabel Mutale Reed and Leo Munby. As well as being the writers, Annabel stars in the show and Leo is the musical supervisor. Crudely put, it is about a magical bus stop which causes its passengers to stop and face their own demons.

They explain that the pivotal idea of the show is decision making, specifically for people affected by mental illness: “You make a decision about stopping, you take a bus one way or the other.” says Annabel, “We were thinking about how self destruction is, first, a lot of suicidal thoughts, and then it’s a decision to end your own life. So there’s a domino effect where all of these smaller decisions build up to that decision”.

Taking this into account, STOP asks, “‘what if there was an omnipotent, powerful force that could move one of the dominoes and stop the chain of decisions?’ The bus stop in the musical is magical: it won’t let you get on and make that decision.” Leo tells me that the bus stop has its own slightly malevolent musical themes,and describes it as a mischievous ‘Puck-type character’: “it’s less of a bearded man in the sky who’s passing judgement, but it’s trying to poke things in the right direction so the ending can be happier”.

The debut of this musical is timely, as NHS mental health services face increasing under- funding and uncertainty for the future. Annabel acknowledges this: “Hopefully it’s also an entertaining musical, but if there’s a political point, it’s ‘what if people don’t have a place to stop, a place to make the decision to get better?’”.

She stresses that the narrative of the musical actually depends upon its characters having access to a system like the NHS: “None of the characters are healed by the bus stop, but they are able to make a decision which leads them to get the help that they need. You couldn’t really have the same sense of it just being about a decision, in a country where mental health services were incredibly expensive or difficult to access. What’s concerning is that NHS access is becoming more difficult for people with mental health issues.”

When creating their characters they were keen to avoid the tropes of mental illness commonly found in theatre and film. Annabel gives examples of the “weird and kooky girl” or the “slightly mystical black lady who says profound things”.

I ask how they approached writing about such a complex and sensitive topic, and they stress the importance of an authentic portrayal: “We both spent most of this summer doing lots of research. I interviewed some clinical psychologists, got some textbooks out, heard some first- hand accounts.” To create authentic characters, the writers focused on “constructing songs that help people to act properly, not just writing a nice tune, or something that we are really proud of structurally. But hopefully it’s both of those things as well.”

The musical has benefitted from the expertise of Claude-Michel Schönberg (Composer of Les Misérables), who has been running workshops with budding musical theatre composers in Oxford. Annabel says that working with such a celebrated composer “was the most surreal moment, sitting with the man who composed I Dreamed A Dream, discussing things like ‘What would the magical bus stop say?’ I kept thinking ‘am I in a weird dream?’”

They both speak highly of one another in their creative partnership. Musical director Leo finds it “really really helpful having a librettist who is an actor and a musician, who isn’t just handing me poetry and being like ‘Oh, you can sing this, right?’” Annabel continues that, “‘On the same page’ has probably been one of the sentences we’ve said the most: it is really nice working with someone who you’ve got a shorthand with.”

They show me some extracts from the show, and I’m excited by the variety of the selection that they perform: the clever originality of the song ‘Flashcards’ sung by Kathy Peacock’s character, a clinical psychology student who rattles through wordy symptoms of various mental illnesses (whilst clearly suffering from stress herself). I also hear Annabel sing the ballad ‘You Matter Today’, which showcased some moving lyrics sung by a wife to her depressed husband, which I expect will be a tear-jerker.

Tickets sold out so quickly that a matinee performance has been scheduled on Saturday 28 January, so act now if you want to see this unique and ambitious musical.

STOP is showing from Tuesday 24 January to Saturday 28 January in the BT Studio.

J-Soc condemns decision to clear OULC members of anti-semitism

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Oxford Jewish Society (J-Soc) has reacted angrily to reports that the Labour Party will not take disciplinary action against two members of the Oxford University Labour Club (OULC) accused of anti-Semitism.

According to reports, the disputes panel of the party’s ruling body, the National Executive Committee (NEC), voted on Tuesday to clear the two student members under investigation for alleged anti-Semitic behaviour.

The pair were apparently given informal warnings for bullying, but were absolved of showing prejudice against Jews.

This follows an eleven-month investigation into reports of anti-Semitism within OULC, which featured in a report by Baroness Royall last May.

The report controversially withheld a full investigation conducted by Labour Students into anti-Semitism among OULC members. Some claim the evidence found in the report was so damning that the party leadership sought to “block” its publication.

While the published report found no evidence of “institutional anti-Semitism” in OULC, it did find evidence of “cultural discrimination” by members of the club.

The inquiry was triggered last February after OULC’s Co-Chair, Alex Chalmers, resigned in protest at members who he claimed had “some sort of problem with Jews” and sympathised with terrorist groups such as Hamas.

Following this week’s NEC ruling, Chalmers told Cherwell: “Baroness Royall’s Inquiry into OULC concluded that the weight of evidence of anti-Semitism meant that the party’s disciplinary procedures should be invoked.

“This latest move by the party leadership is disappointing but unsurprising considering its track record on this subject.”

The ruling was described as “utterly shameful” by Oxford J-Soc, who said in a statement: “This decision is bitterly disappointing and will only continue the trend of Labour spaces becoming increasingly frightening and alienating for Jewish students.

“It is hard to believe that following Baroness Royall finding that the incidents in the OULC took place, that the NEC decided to drop the case.

“At every stage of this process the Labour Party has sought to help the perpetrators of anti-Semitic abuse and to deny justice for its victims.”

“This decision should not be seen in isolation, but rather as part of the wider story, in which the concerns of Oxford’s Jewish students have been repeatedly ignored.

“Despite this setback, we will continue to fight for justice for Jewish students who have been the victims of anti-Semitism, and work to ensure that Jewish students can feel comfortable being involved with the OULC.”

The Union of Jewish Students (UJS), which represents 8,500 Jewish students across the UK, described the decision as a “discrace”, saying the Labour Party “have created an atmosphere in which antisemitism may thrive without fear of being challenged”.

They described the alleged anti-Semitic incidents as “part of a culture which the University of Oxford, Oxford University Students’ Union (OUSU), and now the Labour Party, have failed to grasp.”

OUSU released a statement last week expressing their “commitment to tackling anti-Semitism”. Oxford University has previously stated that anti-Semitic behaviour is “considered grounds for severe disciplinary action.”

OULC told Cherwell: “Labour party procedures have not given us any insight into these specific cases, and we are unaware of any named individuals.

“In this context we cannot fairly comment on the actions of the Party—though we note that Baroness Royall, who initially conducted the investigation, is disappointed with the NEC’s ruling.

“We are working hard with Oxford J-Soc to make sure that everyone feels comfortable in OULC and condemn antisemitism unreservedly.”

A spokeswoman for the Labour Party declined to comment on an internal NEC decision.

Theresa May to lock Britain in a small and dark cupboard

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Theresa May used a key speech on Tuesday to outline plans to lock Britain in a small and dark cupboard in order to maintain the UK’s friendship with its European neighbours. Speaking to an audience in Westminster, the Prime minister reaffirmed the belief that the continuation of Britain’s strong economic and social ties to the rest of the EU lay in absolute seclusion, several thousand pounds worth of Ikea flat pack, and a heavy daily dose of Berocca.

The speech, which consisted almost entirely of reused sound bites from the 2003 UKIP party conference, also expressed a variation on Mayhoven’s rousing ‘Brexit Means Brexit’ chorus.

“We do not seek to adopt a model already enjoyed by other countries. We do not seek to hold on to the positives of membership as we leave. The United Kingdom is leaving the European Union. My job is to build the cupboard that the United Kingdom will be placed in when that occurs.”

It is reported that the cupboard, which will be custom-built in an Ikea factory relocated to Scunthorpe especially for the task, will be constructed with expert consultancy from the creators of the Labour party’s short-lived Ed Stone and the building firm most recently involved with plans to build a giant wall across Mexico’s northern border to keep out Donald Trump.

It will be made from two hundred thousand English oak trees, twice as many as used to build longbows for the Battle of Agincourt, and be painted red, white, and aquamarine. Reports that it will be slightly misshapen in order to accommodate the Outer Hebrides are yet to be confirmed and have been strongly opposed by Alex Salmond.

A euphoric May described the box, which New Statesman has already dubbed a ‘Britain size eco-coffin’, as the greatest triumph of the British people since their victory in the Boer War.

She became so enraptured that for several minutes she produced no sound apart from white noise and had to be turned on and off again by a visibly embarrassed Elizabeth de Jure Truss, prompting concerns about the Prime Minister’s health.

An NHS insider told Cherwell: “Mrs May seems to have experienced a temporary software glitch prompted by the Great Winter Crisis. As far as we can see, there is nothing wrong with her health.

“Unfortunately, we’re a bit out of practice with this whole diagnosis and treatment thing and someone spilt coffee on Mrs May’s patient record, so for now we’d just advise her to take it easy and for God’s sake avoid visiting any hospitals.”

The speech lasted for three-and-a-half hours and was punctuated by several short intermissions in which fish and chip and full English breakfast-flavour ice cream was sold. Prices were increased sevenfold during the course of the afternoon as the value of the pound hurtled towards historic lows.