Dear 2018 self,
You are going to be the new, shiny, improved version of 2017 me. I like to think that means that you’re going to awake at 6am every morning, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, kale juice in hand, ready to do your daily workout before acing a tute. Although, to be honest, you could literally do anything and it would still be an improvement.
In fact, I know you’re going to excel the previous year’s standards, because I have set seemingly unimpressive, yet currently unattained goals. These incredibly low standards will save you the disappointment that will inevitably occur during 5th week, at the latest, when you can’t even name a vegetable and the only reason you wear your gym leggings are because they are the most comfortable thing in your wardrobe.
Firstly, I have resolved to buy less pizza during my essay crises and desperate procrastination (sorry Gloucester Green pizza van for your loss of business). This will result in you, my 2018 self, being more proactive with work, less broke from frivolous pizza expenses, and hopefully healthier too. You will also have more dignity, due to less time spent picking old crumbs out of your margherita scented bra (it’s actually less sexy than it sounds).
2018 me will also leave later for lectures, giving myself around five minutes to make the ten minute journey to the faculty. I hear you saying, “but Julia, that is actually illogical, how can that be even slightly useful?” You see, the time pressure means that you will inevitably panic, and awkwardly run-walk down Cornmarket Street, such that, by the time you’ve grabbed a handout and found a seat, you will have broken a sweat and got that desirable metabolic boost (bonus points for wearing athleisure). It basically feels like a workout without the time or effort of having to go to PureGym.
That’s two resolutions down, and already you are more athletic, productive, healthy and financially responsible. I mean, let’s cut the crap we’ve tried in previous years – you are not a goddess-like yogi, with perfect grades and a cushy internship, complete with actual employment opportunities at the end.But even the smallest improvements that make you feel happier in yourself equate to having achieved some sort of goal in 2018. Also, I think it’s safe to say that 2018 will be unequivocally better if you make the bold New Year’s resolution to not drink tequila…at least not too often.