The Church of England has expressed mixed feelings after its prayers for ultra-atheist Richard Dawkins were heard and answered by heaven.
Famed biologist Mr. Dawkins, 74, suffered a minor stroke earlier this month, and the Church caused even more minor controversy when it was accused of “trolling” Mr. Dawkins after it tweeted believers’ encouragement to pray for him to get better. However, after it emerged that he would probably make a full recovery, hardline elements within the Church have expressed dismay at offering an old foe such an easy way out.
The Archangel Gabriel, who is God’s chief spokesperson when He is busy dispensing righteous justice, said in a press release, “The Kingdom of Heaven is pleased to announce that Richard Dawkins will be the recipient of a full reprieve from God’s justice. At a time where heavenly resources are stretched thin and prayer requests are at an all-time high, we have once again met our target of responding in under four hours.”
When pressed for comment on Mr. Dawkins’ atheism, the Archangel pointed to Sepp Blatter and Rupert Murdoch, noting it would be “hypocritical” for God to let such evil old men live whilst a learned man died, even if he did hold “some crazy ideas about the nature of creation and so-called ‘evolution’.”
Meanwhile, dissenting voices have arisen from a more conservative faction of the Church of England, which apparently is a thing that exists. One hardliner told The OxStew, “ I thought that having to sit and watch women wearing purple gowns and saying certain special words was the biggest indignity the Church of England could foist upon me, but I was wrong. Apparently, now we have to respect our enemies and pray for them to recover from potentially lifethreatening illnesses.
“What a load of bollocks. I might just switch sides and join Pope Francis and his lot. I mean, at least they know how to shame female sexuality and punish people for their natural bodily urges. There’s none of this happy-clappy shit.
“Whatever happened to burning our enemies at the stake and throwing young women into ponds? It’s PC gone mad.”
The incident is not the only recent controversy in which Christianity has been embroiled. Earlier this week, the Pope announced that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was “not a Christian”. When confronted with the Pontiff’s comments, Trump was dismissive, responding, “What authority does he have?”
Mr. Dawkins could not be reached for comment, but a source indicated that he was spending most of his time going on long walks on his own, lost deep in thought. One close friend told The Oxstew, “He wants to build a wall around his faith… and make the Muslims pay for it.”
