Prime Minister Boris Johnson will be honoured in the way he deserves to be. One of Oxford’s leading nightclubs– ranking below just Bridge, Plush, The Bullingdon, O2 Academy, Anuba, and The Four Candles for quality and fun vibes– will see its biggest reform since owners promised to distribute covered plastic cups. The new Boris Johnson Institution for Parties will provide this new Gen Z population the nocturnal experience they so crave – Tik Tok songs on repeat, choreographed dance moves only policy, excessive “Woo-Woo”ing, and everyone will delightfully be asked to leave 3 hours before the club officially closes.
The Boris Johnson Institution for Parties will be the home of breaking the law in Oxford. All students who attend the nightclub will automatically receive a US Green Card, and any non-oxford students trespassing the premises will instantly be deported. The “cheese floor” will now be known as the Liz Buss-a-Move room and the hip-hop room will now play the classical hits of Bach, Mozart and Beethoven. Jacob Rees Mug has been announced as the headline bouncer.
It has also been confirmed that David Cameron will not be allowed anywhere near pigs within the establishment, and yes there will be pigs in the establishment.
The main opposition’s spokesperson told Oh Well! reporters the following: “Errrrrr… Yeah. It’s bad, I guess. Should we disagree with this? Ummmmm……. Not sure. Just got to go check some important future government things quickly.”
The city’s two universities said that they don’t really care.
Find Oh Well! or cartoons on the back page of Cherwell’s print edition.