Tuesday 7th October 2025
Blog Page 803

Man charged over stabbing of boy outside Pembroke accommodation

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Two Oxford residents have been charged over the stabbing of a boy near a Pembroke College accommodation building. Students in the block have been told to “take care”.

Harun Jama was killed in Friars Wharf last Wednesday, across the river from the college’s Sir Geoffrey Arthur Building (GAB).

Craig Ford, 33, of Luther Street, has been charged with murder, as well as violent crime and drugs-related charges.
The teenage boy, from Birmingham, suffered stab wounds to the abdomen, leg, and chest. He died shortly afterwards in hospital.

Thames Valley Police closed off two bridges leading over the Thames and Castle Mill Stream.

In an email, seen by Cherwell, Pembroke college staff informed students that plain-clothes officers would visit the GAB and would be “talking to residents to see if there were any witnesses.”

Detective Chief Inspector Andy Howard said: “I understand that this incident will cause concern in the community, but I assure people that we are carrying out a full and thorough investigation.”

A spokesperson for Pembroke told Cherwell: “Following the tragic incident at Friars Wharf last week we have taken the opportunity to remind all students who live in the Geoffrey Arthur Building to take care in the area, especially after dark.

“We continue to encourage Pembroke students to take sensible measures to protect their personal safety, including travelling in groups where possible and using well-lit streets in the local area as a preferred route.”

A third year Pembroke student said: “We were very shocked, but not surprised as everyone knew the bridge wasn’t the safest area.”

An eye-witness told the Oxford Mail: “I was cycling up the ramp when I saw a head. A couple of runners were down there on the path.

“There was a lot of blood, right along the path, and his eyes were rolled back. I think he was dead then. I know that there was no pulse.”

The boy’s next-door neighbour Jamal Madar said he was “loved by so many in Birmingham community. He would always greet you with his big white smile and kind words.

“I’ll never forget his cheeky smile. Rest easy bro.”

The accused Craig Ford was remanded in custody, with a provisional trial date set for June by judge Ian Pringle QC, who presided over the Lavinia Woodward case last year.

Alice Ashcroft, 25, was also charged for possession with intent to supply Class A drugs.

Both appeared at Oxford Crown Court on Tuesday.

Rachel Whiteread Tate review: ‘her pieces are embodiments of domestic memories’

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Have you ever struggled to explain why you like modern art to your dad? Are you tired of your friend’s irreverent ‘I could have done this!’, when they very clearly couldn’t have? Then send them to the Rachel Whiteread exhibition at Tate Britain, and go along with them; she’s the epitome of the modern sculptor whose seemingly simplistic and minimalist works raise the eyebrows of modern art-phobics. Whilst I usually adopt an open mind when it comes to modern art and the complexity of the thought-process behind it, I was quite sceptical about Whiteread. The only example of her work I’d seen on the Tate website was the plastic cast of a pink water bottle which, as it was cold December, I was more tempted to buy for myself than to consider as a work of art. The exhibition, though, changed my mind.

Born in London in 1963 and most famous for being the first woman to win the Turner Prize (in 1993), Whiteread is one of the UK’s most acclaimed sculptors. The exhibition takes the viewer through her career by displaying well known works, such as Untitled (100 Spaces), together with new pieces that have never previously been exhibited. It’s the largest collection of Whiteread’s work to date, and a fitting tribute to her easily overlooked artistic versatility, as the subtleties and details within her minimalism. In particular, it cleverly reveals how Whiteread plays around with size; large sculptures such as Untitled (Stairs) give way to her selection of pastel coloured ‘torsos’ (the hot water bottles). By juxtaposing, say, an alignment of multicoloured loo rolls with huge resin models of Victorian houses, this exhibition allows us to appreciate the domesticity central to Whiteread’s work.

 

Speaking to Linsey Young, the contemporary British art curator at Tate Britain, Whiteread explained her attempt to ‘preserve the everyday and give authority to some of the more forgotten things.’ At their heart, her pieces are embodiments of domestic memories. Particularly striking was a cast of two long bookshelves which had be moulded in such a way that preserved the different heights and widths of the books that had been there. This sculpture immortalises a moment in time, one in which a unique combination of books created an inimitable outline. Ironically, before realising that these were actual bookshelves, my first impression was of coffin casts; objects which, in serving to immortalise an individual’s memory, aren’t doing to dissimilar job to Whiteread. The exhibition ends with a short film which reveals just how much work goes into making her casts, whether small or monumental.

Whiteread redefines our perception of living spaces. By halting objects in time and casting them into something solid, she allows us to reflect on the role of the material within immaterial relationships: a home is only a home because it’s encapsulated in a house. With just a few days left before the exhibition closes, it seems the only appropriate words left are the following: for heaven’s sake, go!

Blind Date: “I would like to be the female Louis Theroux”

Barney Pite, First Year, Classics, University

I arrived at the Turf Tavern a fashionable 6 minutes late, experiencing an intoxicating cocktail of nerves and brash determination. The first awkward moment was when I, for some reason unknown even to me, went for the handshake (who does that?). As it turned out, this was faux and we settled for a hug.

The opening stages passed without notable event. Her chat was pretty good (this is the front on which I might have let myself down to be honest), and we bonded over Kanye knowledge and juice avours. Tensions arose when she called my San Pellegrino of choice basic (blood orange by the way – full bodied, but simultaneously tangy and sweet). For some indiscernible reason she preferred pomegranate.

I left the date under the slight impression that she might be a little out of my league.

What was your first impression?

Good on hip hop and nail polish.

Quality of the chat?

High. Outward going.

Most awkward moment?

When I called her phone case basic. Makes up for the San Pell comment.

Kiss or miss?

Would need a second date to know.

Shoma Dhar, Second Year, English, LMH

When Barney arrived I was taken aback by his decision to go for a handshake. I take a strong dislike to the handshake motion – it is simultaneously intimate and non-intimate, something too confusing for my mind to comprehend. However, after explaining this, we hugged and ordered our drinks.

The conversation flowed very easily, even when I’d throw out remarks like “I would like to be the female Louis Theroux” and I appreciated his lack of judgement. We dove into the things that really mattered: Coke or Pepsi? Despite being a Pepsi fanatic myself, I wouldn’t say Coke is the worst beverage choice he made. I may have called his choice of San Pelli (Blood Orange) quite basic, which I apologise for, as that was quite rude. I respect everyone’s choice of drink to quench one’s thirst.

What was your first impression?

Friendly and easy to talk to.

Quality of the chat?

Had many a great convo.

Most awkward moment?

When he told me he hadn’t seen many Heath Ledger movies.

Kiss or miss?

Maybe a kiss on the cheek (with tongue).

 

Gender-swapped remakes are a risk not worth taking

In the months before DC’s new Wonder Woman came out, there was a sense that the women of this world collectively held their breath, because this was not just another superhero movie, this was to be a deciding moment. It shouldn’t have been so momentous of course, it should have been just another superhero movie, to be lauded like Guardians of the Galaxy and Deadpool, or to flop like Green Lantern, but unfortunately, Wonder Woman did not have that luxury.

Instead, it was bearing the heavy load of responsibility for whether more films with a strong female lead, particularly within the superhero genre, would be greenlit. Considering DC’s track record then it was no surprise that this caused some stress, for despite the abominable quality of Batman vs Superman and Suicide Squad, films about Batman and the Joker will never disappear from our screens, but it felt like if there had been just one Wonder Woman flop, it would be the end of all Wonder Woman filmsin perpetuity.

Women are not granted the same liberties as men in cinema, every film made that features anything less than 70:30 split between men and women, or that passes the Bechdel test feels like a risk. It is for these, albeit depressing reasons that gender-swapped remakes need to stop.

There is no question that the film industry as a whole needs more strong female leads, but, gender swapping old scripts is not just a lazy solution to this issue but, more importantly, it sets up female-led films for a fall and is therefore simply not viable under the circumstances. No one ever wants remakes of classics. They are, in fact, notoriously bad. While there are of course exceptions, which have succeeded and are beloved, Scarface being an obvious example, there is a big difference between remaking a quite good, but lesser known, and perhaps underappreciated film, with access to better budgets and technology, and taking a universally loved cult classic and remaking it while it is still very present in the current cultural zeitgeist.

I would argue that the latter can never be anything more successful than ‘divisive’. This is of course entirely understandable, because people do not like the things they love to be meddled with or besmirched. Therefore, when remakes of films like Ghostbusters and Ocean’s Eleven, are announced and women are put into the roles of beloved male characters, in addition to the already ever-present obstacle of sexism, then they have to fight the toxic genre they represent. Even if there are strong elements to the film, it cannot escape being relentlessly compared to and automatically tarnished for being less good than the original. And, unfortunately, due to the pressures that ride on every female-led film, we cannot afford to be making films dominated by women, which from their very conception only have a slim chance of success.

Gender swapping is not the issue here; it is the remake element that throws everything into disarray. There’s no doubt that we need more roles for women in film, more Johns changed to Janes, when there are new scripts on the desks of the big executives currently structured as an all-male cast. In the absence of scripted female-leads, we need more directors and producers to say I’m taking this on, but I’m gender-swapping it.

This method is tried and tested, most notably by Sigourney Weaver’s role in Alien, which was originally written for a man, and has now become one of the most iconic female cinematic heroes of all time. There’s usually no reason why the role couldn’t be played by a woman, but that doesn’t mean we can replace the all-American hero Brad Pitt with Cate Blanchett, or Bill Murray with Melissa McCarthy, and then be surprised by the unhelpfully distracting backlash.

While in concept, the idea of taking big male action or comedy hero types and using actresses for the roles to prove women can do anything men can do is understandable it is also far too optimistic for the world we live in.

‘Black cab rapist’ was hired as stripper for OUCA cabaret social

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The Oxford University Conservative Association (OUCA) once hired the ‘Black cab rapist’ then working as a stripper, for an infamous cabaret social.

John Worboys, then know as ‘Terry the Minder’, performed a striptease for Tory members, alongside a female stripper named “the exotic Vashanti”.

The event at Hertford College was attended by a young Sally Bercow (then Illman), wife of Commons Speaker John Bercow. She was blindfolded on stage before Worboys suggestively placed a banana in her hand.

According to a report at the time, prominent Tory backbencher Jacob Rees Mogg “heartily approved of [the event].

Now dubbed the ‘Black Cab Rapist’, Worboys was later jailed in 2009 after being convicted of 19 sexual assault charges. He notoriously drugged multiple women in his taxi.

The announcement that he would be released after serving only nine years of his sentence was met with heavy criticism nationwide last week.

Following the ‘West One Cabaret’ event, the Senior Proctor of the University refused to recognise OUCA as an official society, banning the Association from using the ‘Oxford University’ title in its name. The Association were also prohibited from holding events at Hertford. The ban apparently remains in place today.

The event provoked outrage across the University. The Entertainments Officer who organised the event did not disclose the nature of the event prior to the evening, but ex-President Lee Roberts stated that the officer put the proposal for a striptease in his election manifesto.

Timothy Doyle, President of OUCA, told Cherwell: “That a stripper should be invited to perform at an Association event is quite inconceivable today. The account of this event is disturbing, and unlike anything I have ever experienced during my time in the Association.

“It cannot be considered to reflect on the Association of today, or our values.”

Steve Best, OUCA president for Hilary 1989, told Cherwell at the time: “Had we been aware of the content of the acts in the cabaret, we would never have allowed the event to go ahead.”

Felicity Spector, then OUSU President, said: “It was indecent and disgusting. They’re sick!”

A January 1989 Cherwell editorial read: “Simulated oral sex in public cannot be defended on the ground that it gives other people pleasure (it doesn’t) or that it is not something to be taken seriously.

“Not only has OUCA permanently ruined its own reputation, it has also damaged the image of the whole university. Everybody suffers from the sel sh antics of a small group of untypical students.

“No-one can take a political group seriously which sees obscene acts as nothing more than a joke.
“The message is clear. Those who organised and took part in this degrading display have no place in a university which rejects sexual depravity.”

Research team uncover the mystery of sleep

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Researchers have shed light on how humans fall into a slumber, by observing how special nerve cells in fruit flies cause drowsiness.

The team at Oxford University’s Centre for Neural Circuits and Behaviour (CNCB) worked with a small cluster of neurons that had previously been shown to put fruit flies to sleep when activated.

It was unclear, however, how activation of these neurons triggers sleep behaviour. The team found that, when activated, these sleep-promoting cells control the flow of electrical signals through a key node in the brain.

This in turn controls all the key aspects that induce sleep: the shutting down of the fly’s locomotive system, preventing the animal from sleep walking; the increasing of sensory arousal thresholds, so the fly is not awoken by every small stimulus from its surroundings; and the clearing of the ‘sleep debt’ or tiredness that had accumulated during waking.

Diogo Pimental, a researcher on the project, described the process as a system where the body builds up enough fatigue to pass a “tipping point”, prompting sleep. He said: “The whole system resembles the repeated filling and emptying of a container with liquid.

“Tiredness is the liquid; sleep-control neutrons determine whether the container is horizontal or tilted; and being awake or asleep corresponds to alternating phases of filling or emptying.”

Professor Gero Miesenboeck, Director of the CNCB, noted that while the study discovered how a “beautifully simple system keeps sleep need and sleep in the balance”, unanswered questions remain.

“We still don’t know why sleep debt builds up, what it consists of physically, how it triggers the switch to sleep and how the accumulated sleep debt is cleared. Finding the answers will help us solve the mystery of sleep.”

The CNCB is an autonomous research centre within the University, which aims to further understanding of how intelligence emerges from the physical interaction of nerve cells.

The full paper, ‘Recurrent Circuitry for Balancing Sleep Need and Sleep’, can be read in the journal, Neuron.

Dreamy spires: Oxford fitter than Cambridge

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Oxford has beaten its rival Cambridge on a list of the “ten most beautiful universities in the UK”.

The centuries-long debate has been claimed settled by a report in Times Higher Education, which described the University as “arguably, one of the UK’s most beautiful.”

Oxford came third in the ranking which also featured Edinburgh, Cardiff, and Bristol. Royal Holloway University, London came first.

The New Year’s report stated: “Expect to be in awe of the dreaming spires and college scarfwearing students on bicycles.”

Special mentions were given to the Radcliffe Camera, Bodleian Library, and the Bridge of Sighs.

Geoffrey Tyack, author of Oxford: An Architectural Guide, told Cherwell: “Oxford also has 38 colleges, some of them outstandingly beautiful, as are many of the colleges of Cambridge, which, however, lacks as imposing a central university area as Oxford’s.”

A spokesperson for Keble College, distinguished from other Oxford colleges by its brickwork, told Cherwell: “We are proud to add to the architectural diversity at this beautiful university. “Keble College was originally designed by William Butterfield, who claimed that he ‘had a mission to give dignity to brick’.”

However, Royal Holloway, London’s red brick Founder’s Building was the centerpiece of the report.

Tyack also told Cherwell: “the central university area of Oxford… is surely at least as beautiful as, though less architecturally uniform than, Royal Holloway and the Old College of the University of Edinburgh, impressive as those buildings are.”

Tom Allen, a resident of Cambridge said of the two unversity towns: “They’re different kinds of pretty, so you can’t really compare them.”

Alex Greenwood, a St Catherine’s student, told Cherwell: “Despite the constant comparisons to prisons, primary schools and Sovietera communist blocks, Oxford’s more modern colleges like Catz and St Anne’s add a certain 60’s charm to the Oxford landscape which Cambridge sorely lacks.”

Matt Carlton said: “Oxford is bustling and Cambridge is ghostly. Everyone there is on bikes, there is no hum of conversation.”

Whilst Tyack admitted disappointment at Oxford not coming first, he said: “Relegating Cambridge to fourth place, after Oxford, is some small consolation.”

This is not the first time that Oxford has beaten Cambridge in architectual rankings. Last year, Oxford was voted the most beautiful university in the UK in The Tab’s nationwide poll of students.

For the last two years, Oxford has beaten Cambridge in the THE’s academic ranking. Both universities came first and second in the world academic rankings in 2017, beating the California Institute of technology while other UK institutions slipped down the league table.

Oxford SU stays neutral on NSS boycott

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Oxford Student Union have taken no position on the National Student Survey (NSS), despite renewed calls to boycott the controversial scheme.

Student activists allege that the survey is used as part of the Teaching Excellence Framework, which could have an impact on tuition fees.

50% of finalists need to complete the survey, which is run by Ipsos MORI, in order for the results to have any weighting.

A similar University-wide protest last year led to Oxford being one of only four Universities to be left out of the survey results.

The survey was delivered to finalists last week, but so far calls for a boycott have only come from individual activists, rather than student societies.

When asked for their position on the survey, which was delivered to finalists last week, Oxford SU declined to clarify.

Activist and former OULC co-chair Tom Zagoria wrote: “Last year Oxford successfully boycotted the NSS, but we can’t drop the ball now. So this one’s easy, just get on with revision/procrastination, and boycott the NSS!”

He told Cherwell: “the protest is behind last year’s in terms of organisation.”

He has sent a motion to the Oxford Student Union for their meeting in 1st week encouraging them to support the boycott.

Another student activist, Neha Shah, posted on Facebook: “The survey is a widely discredited set of metrics that form part of the Teaching Excellence Framework, a tool the government wants to use to justify tuition fee rises for future generations of students.”

Exeter College JCR president, Ellie Milne-Brown, sent an email to Exeter students in support of the boycott. She wrote: “It is the opinion of the Executive Committee of the JCR that they should refuse to do so, and participate in the boycott that worked so well last year.”

Cambridge University Student Union (CUSU) have already supported the boycott.

A post on their website said: “Boycotting the NSS remains one of our best opportunities to make a clear statement against the direction of higher education which is becoming increasingly inaccessible and elitist.”

OULC have also supported the boycott. A post on their Facebook page said: “Let us come together again to send a clear message to this government that we refuse to be part of a system that puts greed before the needs of students.”

Oxford SU replied to a request for comment after the printed version of this article was published.

A spokesperson said: “There are motions for and against a boycott of the NSS which are going to Student Council on Thursday.

Following the decision by student council, Oxford SU will run a campaign on NSS.”

A spokesperson for the University of Oxford said: “In common with other UK universities, we write to our students every year to make them aware of the National Student Survey (NSS).

“We have been working with colleagues from across the collegiate University, and with Oxford SU, to secure a strong response to the NSS, as we genuinely value the feedback we receive from students.

“This exercise is entirely unrelated to the Teaching Excellence Framework.

“The NSS allows students to tell us what they liked and didn’t like about their time at Oxford, giving us valuable feedback as we seek to improve the student experience.

“Additionally, if more than 50% of our students respond, the results are published on the Unistats website, which is linked to the UCAS website and allows students thinking of applying to Oxford to see what previous students thought of their time here.”

In 2017, a similar boycott led to only 31 per cent of finalists filling out the survey.

One of the organisers of the campaign, Anastazja Oppenheim said at the NUS conference: “if students, en masse, either refuse to fill in the surveys at all or sabotage it… the results would become of little use and would wreck plans for the TEF.”

She later told Cherwell: “The fight needs to continue and, building on the experiences of this past year, we can make the boycott in 2018 even more effective.

“Our campaign has already won some concessions, such as delaying the link between the TEF and fees. But we must organise, resist, and wreck the survey until the TEF is scrapped and the Higher Education reforms withdrawn.”

Winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature: reflections on Kazuo Ishiguro’s recognition

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On 5 October 2017, the Swedish Academy announced the winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature with the following press release:

‘The Nobel Prize in Literature for 2017 is awarded to the English author Kazuo Ishiguro

“who, in novels of great emotional force, has uncovered the abyss beneath our illusory sense of connection with the world”.

I don’t know how Ishiguro would sum up his own work, but I doubt it would be much like this blunt and bold announcement, ringing more of Nietzsche than the soft-spoken novelist. Shortly after this statement, the Academy added a biography of the winner: born in Nagasaki in 1954, Ishiguro moved to Surrey at five, published his first book – A Pale View of the Hills – in 1982, and has since written seven other books, most famously The Remains of the Day (1989) and Never Let Me Go (2005). The Permanent Secretary of the Academy, Sara Danius, also gave a short interview about the decision to give Ishiguro the award; adding to the statement from the press release, she described Ishiguro’s work as a blend of P.G.Wodehouse, Kafka and Proust.

Strange as the Swedish Academy’s description may be, it also hints at why Ishiguro won the Nobel Prize in 2017 of all years: his most recent novel, The Buried Giant (2015). Set in a post-Roman Britain plagued by sorcery, a dragon and a mist of forgetfulness, it received a little less critical acclaim than Ishiguro’s more famous works (though was still wonderfully and bizarrely described in The Guardian as “Game of Thrones with a conscience”). Listen carefully to the interview Danius gave, though, and she highlights that novel as Ishiguro’s stand-out piece, even over his Booker Prize-winning classic The Remains of the Day. When she subsequently describes his work as particularly relevant this year, as it “explores what you have to forget in order to survive… as an individual or as a society”, she again seems to be thinking of The Buried Giant. In this novel, Ishiguro certainly does compare individuals’ and societies’ respective needs to forgive and forget: as the protagonist Axl wonders by the end of the work,

“You and I longed for Querig’s end, thinking only of our dear memories. Yet who knows what old hatreds will loosen across the lands now… Who knows what will come when quick-tongued men make ancient grievances rhyme with fresh desire for land and conquest?”

In most of Ishiguro’s other work, however, the pattern is of individuals searching and questioning their pasts. Take Never Let Me Go, where the narrator, Kathy, makes this admission only a page and a half in:

“It’s ever since then, I suppose, that I started seeking out for my donors people from the past, and whenever I could, people from Hailsham. There have been times over the years when I’ve tried to leave Hailsham behind, when I’ve told myself I shouldn’t look back so much. But then there came a point where I just stopped resisting.”

Much the same could be said of the butler Mr Stevens in The Remains of the Day, or the painter Ono in Ishiguro’s second novel, An Artist in a Floating World. The latter of these works, set in post-war Japan, explores how we reconcile past and present when forgetfulness is no longer possible. Ono is conducting his youngest daughter’s marriage negotiations, and decides to take “certain precautionary steps” against his prospective son-in-law understanding his past as a pro-government artist who betrayed a former colleague to the secret police; as time wears on, Ono seemingly moves from forgetfulness to deceit, then admission, and finally denial.

Any of these themes touch on the zeitgeist of 2017, but to me, the most apt of all is the way Ishiguro makes his characters ask how things might have been. Almost without exception in Ishiguro’s novels, the central characters come to a point where they realise that they do not need to make peace with the actual errors or regrets that they find in their past so much as the lingering hopes for a different set of outcomes. Take the moment in The Remains of the Day where Mrs Benn (whom, incidentally, Mr Stevens can only ever think of as Miss Kenton) describes this realisation:

“But that doesn’t mean to say, of course, there aren’t occasions now and then – extremely desolate occasions – when you think to yourself: “What a terrible mistake I’ve made with my life.” And you get to thinking about a different life, a better life you might have had. For instance, I get to thinking about a life I might have had with you, Mr Stevens… But each time I do so, I realise before long – my rightful place is with my husband. After all, there’s no turning back the clock now. One can’t be forever dwelling on what might have been. One should realise one has as good as most, perhaps better, and be grateful.”

I think it is this blend of nostalgia and hope which characterises Ishiguro’s work: his characters allow the reader to participate in and practice the art of remembering well. To that extent, while I enthusiastically welcomed their decision to give Ishiguro the award, I think the Swedish Academy’s description misses the beauty of his writing. His novels do have great emotional force, but wield it gently; there is an emptiness in many of his characters, but also a joy in precious memories and a readiness to face the future. And above all, though some of the connections and relationships he describes are illusions, many more are fragile but real: Mr Stevens’ with Miss Kenton or his father, Kathy’s with Ruth and Tommy, or even Axl’s with Beatrice. Ishiguro does not so much uncover the abyss in the past as explore reconciliation in the present.

 

A letter to: My 2018 self

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Dear 2018 self,

You are going to be the new, shiny, improved version of 2017 me. I like to think that means that you’re going to awake at 6am every morning, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, kale juice in hand, ready to do your daily workout before acing a tute. Although, to be honest, you could literally do anything and it would still be an improvement.

In fact, I know you’re going to excel the previous year’s standards, because I have set seemingly unimpressive, yet currently unattained goals. These incredibly low standards will save you the disappointment that will inevitably occur during 5th week, at the latest, when you can’t even name a vegetable and the only reason you wear your gym leggings are because they are the most comfortable thing in your wardrobe.

Firstly, I have resolved to buy less pizza during my essay crises and desperate procrastination (sorry Gloucester Green pizza van for your loss of business). This will result in you, my 2018 self, being more proactive with work, less broke from frivolous pizza expenses, and hopefully healthier too. You will also have more dignity, due to less time spent picking old crumbs out of your margherita scented bra (it’s actually less sexy than it sounds).

2018 me will also leave later for lectures, giving myself around five minutes to make the ten minute journey to the faculty. I hear you saying, “but Julia, that is actually illogical, how can that be even slightly useful?” You see, the time pressure means that you will inevitably panic, and awkwardly run-walk down Cornmarket Street, such that, by the time you’ve grabbed a handout and found a seat, you will have broken a sweat and got that desirable metabolic boost (bonus points for wearing athleisure). It basically feels like a workout without the time or effort of having to go to PureGym.

That’s two resolutions down, and already you are more athletic, productive, healthy and financially responsible. I mean, let’s cut the crap we’ve tried in previous years – you are not a goddess-like yogi, with perfect grades and a cushy internship, complete with actual employment opportunities at the end.But even the smallest improvements that make you feel happier in yourself equate to having achieved some sort of goal in 2018. Also, I think it’s safe to say that 2018 will be unequivocally better if you make the bold New Year’s resolution to not drink tequila…at least not too often.

Best,

Julia x